My husband passed away over a year ago. Before that, he fought cancer for 7 months. It was a long, ugly battle filled with more dark times, yelling, anger, depression and sadness than I could have ever imagined.  But it was also filled with apologies, time to discuss difficult topics nobody wants to think about, saying things that needed to be said, and love.

Every situation and every marriage is different. People are different. I always look at the glass as full, not half-full, but totally filled with love and joy and God’s blessings everyday. Bobby’s glass was unfortunately always empty and that made fighting cancer hard, so very hard. It also made for a difficult marriage. I fell in love with my husband and never lost that love, no matter what we went through. I prayed for him and for us and our children and I always had hope that we could all be happy together, that the depression and anger would go away.

Then, he was diagnosed with stage 4 gastric cancer. We went through all of the suggested chemo, diet, etc. We had wonderful friends and family who couldn’t have been more supportive. We did everything right, but God’s plan is always bigger than our own. Bobby was a good man. There is no doubt about that. He helped people whenever he could, he worked hard, he loved his kids and me to the moon and back.  He was hilarious and outgoing. Some of the good friends I have now were his friends first and I am blessed that he had a personality that attracted good people.  We had some great times together and I am blessed to have friends and family that will talk about those good times and keep all the good memories alive for our children.  It’s impossible to go back and change the past, but he did make the future easier for me. He tied up loose ends and had the courage to talk about what I was facing as a single mom of 4. We talked about finances, house issues, the children, and me dating again. I couldn’t even imagine another man in my life and didn’t want to talk about it. He apologized for so many things and told me to promise him that I would find someone to sweep me off my feet and make me happy. I told him to just shut up!  At the time, I didn’t want to think about it. I also have always had great faith in God and know He will take care of me.

When the smoke cleared, I did decide to start being good to myself and get out and meet new people. I just want to have fun and not think too hard about what will come of it. And that’s what I’ve been doing. I am having fun and enjoying the life I have been given to the fullest.

When you lose your spouse, your head spins and it doesn’t stop for quite some time.  Even after a year, there are still duties of running a household that I need to get under control, but I know I am getting closer every day. I get rather impatient, but need to remind myself that with 4 children and being a single mom, shit will just take time to get done.

I know there are other young widows out there that struggle with the same issues in dating.  Here is what I’ve come up with.  As I take time for myself and spend time with friends and family who care about me and make me laugh, I also get a big kick out of dating.  I enjoy meeting new people and being social. And almost everyone in my life is supportive.

I think we should all do what is right for each of us. I don’t believe there is a magic time for when dating is or isn’t ok again. It depends on you and what will make YOU happy.  I think so many widows feel guilty when they date again, but here is why I don’t think we should.

I lost my mom almost 15 years ago. Since then, I have found 3 women I can go to on a regular basis for advice or help or just to be there as company.  They are all older, near my mom’s age, and they are all very motherly to me. This does not mean that any of them have replaced my mom or become my mom. I will only ever have 1 mom, but these women have filled a void in my life that nobody should have to go without. They love me and help me and I love them for who they are to me.  I am grateful for their presence and what they have brought to my life, both for me and for my children.  Similarly, when my brother passed away 13 years ago, many of his friends stepped in to fill the ‘big brother’ void.  They are still part of my life and in a big way. My brothers friends became my friends. They still look out for me, check on me, and are here to protect me as well, like a big brother should. I don’t know what I would do without these men in my life. None of them will ever replace my brother, but they are also filling a void for me.  They have taken over a job and stepped up to love me like a sister. Again, I am nothing but grateful for their love and support  (even if they still tease me like I’m 10!).

Finding a partner in life is no different, in my opinion.  There will never be another Bobby.  And, to all widows, your partner will never be replaced. Like my mom and my brother, they are people we will always miss. But it’s ok for us to have someone in our lives that provides what we had. In fact, it’s more than ok!  We need and deserve to find that love again!  It’s more than ok for us to enjoy fun, companionship, support, and adventures again with someone.  Life is not meant to be lived alone. Do what you need to do in your own time. Listen to your own heart, not others judgements.  And never feel guilty for getting back out into the world and enjoying some fun!!  Dress up, make yourself smell nice, and hire a babysitter.  You will be surprised what a few hours out will do, especially for a single parent!!