So, after a day like today, where I can’t do anything right for my kids and we are late everywhere (as usual) and I didn’t accomplish even a small portion of what was on my ‘to do’ list (again, as usual), I thought about this Mommin’ job and what makes it work. So, here is a list of mom’s I would NOT relate to at all….

1. Mom’s who don’t drink. How? Don’t your children drive you crazy? I mean, obviously drinking everyday is out of the question and overdoing it is out of the question, but once in a while it just.makes.sense.

2. Mom’s who don’t yell. Again, how? The most common scenario in my house is that I ask nicely about 125 times. Nobody listens. I then scream. Everybody looks horrified and sometimes cry. Then they ask me why I had to yell…. REALLY?!?

3. Mom’s who don’t swear….Because guess what? When the baby craps his pants just as we are leaving the house, it’s not just literally a shitshow, it’s a f**king shitshow.

4. Mom’s with clean houses. Do you live there? Where is all your stuff? You make me feel messy and we can’t be friends…unless you’d like to clean my house. Then we can be best friends.

5. Mom’s who look put together.  Don’t you own yoga pants? Don’t you know how comfy they are?? How did you have a chance to blow dry your hair today AND put on makeup? How have your tween girls not taken and destroyed all of your makeup anyways?!?

6. Mom’s with clean cars. You MUST have other moms pick up your children and bring them places for you. Children are gross little people that leave wrappers and lollipops where ever they go….  Do you seriously have time more than once or twice a year to see what’s under those car seats??

7. Mom’s who are organized. This is a pipe dream people. I suppose there was a time I was organized when I had one baby… bahahaha!! How do you keep track of what every kid needs for school and activities? Isn’t it enough that I feed them?!?

8. Mom’s who cook every.single.night. Don’t get me wrong, I love to cook and bake. I would do much more of it if I could. How do you manage to make dinner every night with kids activities and just being stinkin exhausted? And when you do make dinner, how do you cover ALL the food groups? Can we consider a muffin for lunch healthy? I mean, it’s not a cupcake… even if it is a chocolate muffin….

9. Mom’s who don’t laugh.  These little shits drive me nuts all day long, but they do some seriously messed up stuff. If I didn’t make light of it, I would just bang my head against the wall. They are like little shitty comedians. Really they should have their own show…and make mama some money while they’re at it!

10. Mom’s who don’t hug and cuddle. At the end of the day, when these guys have me losing my voice, replacing every word in my vocabulary with an f bomb, and finishing another bottle of wine, I still know they are the most awesome little brats on the face of the earth. The greatest feeling in the world that melts all that other crap away are those hugs!!