My mother passed away December 23, 2001. I remember every detail of that day and the next. I remember being with her right as she passed. I remember the visitors, my friends not saying a word because there was nothing to say, but just bringing me Friendly’s mint chocolate chip ice cream like any best friends would have done.  I remember needing to have a Christmas tree up and decorated, for her. I remember my brother and I and two of our friends going to pick one out. It was more important to me than anyone could understand. I don’t think I even truly understood why it was so important to me, but now, 15 years later, I do.

My mother loved Christmas.  She gave me a love for the holiday that I will always cherish and hand down to my own children.  She shopped early, we listened to Christmas music together in the car by the end of September, and she always had her wonderful Christmas party. Thanksgiving night was more special to me than the entire day because that’s the night we would put out the nativity- our first Christmas decoration up every year.

Christmas eve at church was always my mom and I, usually with my aunt and my cousin.  The men all worked together and had their annual xmas party at the store. I remember her singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” just a bit off key. I loved that song and still do. Christmas eve mass was always something special and I have yet to sit through an entire one since the year she died without crying like a baby at some point.

Christmas morning, I woke up before my siblings every year. My brother was always the last one up and, especially when he was in high school and college, my mom had a rule that we couldn’t wake him up until 9 to open presents. We all had to wait to go into the living room until all three of us were up and ready and my dad had this video camera rolling.  Once everyone was up, we opened our stockings and then went to work on the gifts under the tree.  I don’t really remember the stuff, but I do remember the magic that went along with it all. I can even still see the excitement on my parents faces, awaiting our own expressions.

The memories my mother gave me will always be important, but they are especially precious to me at Christmas time. I know everything happens for a reason. I don’t know why she had to be taken from us so soon, but I do know her passing two days before Christmas was her way of making sure I always keep her memory alive at her favorite time of year. I love every second of this season, celebrating, not just Christmas, but honoring my mom. The smells of her recipes, the stories that I tell my children, and the special homemade decorations that I have that she made are all ways to have her extra close to me at a time I miss her the most.

I believe that when you all of a sudden have something you want to tell someone who is in heaven and you actually have a moment where you want to call them, that it just means they are so close you really could talk to them. It means they are there with you. Two nights ago Hanna, my 9 year old, asked to help me make my mother’s special Christmas bread. I showed her how to knead it and braid it. I walked away and she did one all by herself and it looked amazing. When I told her so, she replied, “Grandma Joan must have been working through my hands and helping me to make it perfect!” I immediately wanted to call her because I knew she would be so proud of the job Hanna did on her first try. Hanna and I both decided that my mom must have been right there beside us, watching, helping, and most definitely proud.

I am so proud of the people that my children are becoming. I get complimented on them often. I know that it would be impossible for me to raise great kids if I wasn’t raised by such great parents. I am so grateful for all they did for me, but I am most grateful for the memories that I will always share.  Fifteen years later and it still takes my breath away. Life isn’t always fair, but we need to accept the ways we are blessed and hold those memories and stories close. Thank you, Mom, for helping to make me who I am and, most definitely for giving me my love of Christmas!

Joan F. Fernandes

January 12, 1939-December 23, 2001

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I LOVE YOU!!