Dear Bobby,

You’ve been gone 2 years today. Sometimes it feels like a dream. Sometimes it’s still just so surreal. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like any time has passed at all and other times it feels like a lifetime has gone by. When I think about it, it really is a completely different lifetime now.

First off, we miss you. The kids miss you. I talk about stories and fun times very often. I want them to always remember the fun. I know it wasn’t all roses, but thats ok. I asked them to tell me what they think of first when they think of you. Joni said how you coached her in everything. Brody said he remembers when you went to so many different Dunkin Donuts because he wanted a strawberry frosted with sprinkles on a Saturday morning on Cape Cod in the summer and everyone was out, but you made sure you found him one! Hanna said she remembers you always wanting slush puppies and getting her them too, even though I would be mad.  We tell the baby stories. I can’t believe he was only 18 months when it happened. It’s not fair. He will only know you through stories. That sucks. So we do what we can to tell lots of stories and make sure there are lots of pictures of you for him to see. I miss you. Like I said, we had our problems, and it meant so much to me that we could talk about them and forgive everything in the end…but, we had so many good times too! You were my best friend.  I miss when you sang me karaoke (I’m guessing the neighbors don’t though). It was always either REO Speedwagon or Boys II Men. I love that I was able to meet someone who could let go and be crazy in the same way that I did. When we did stuff like that, we would roll our eyes at each other, but secretly loved it. Other anal retentive people would never get our way of “crazy”.  I miss seeing you play with the kids, especially Brody. He needs that so badly. I try. I really do. I am just spread so thin. The boys have each other and play together alot, but the baby beats on him and he knows he needs to be nice to his little brother. It gets old for him pretty quickly.

I miss being able to share milestones with you. The girls started school this year. I am so proud of them and how well they are doing. I know you would be too.  When the girls got their first report card I cried. I just wanted to share that with you so badly.  Brody has found this crazy love for football which makes me so happy! He is slow as molasses, but as he gets older we will work on it.  He loves to play center. Maddy is going to play this year too. He is so aggressive. I think he will have fun.  I know you are there watching when they do everything, but it’s not the same. I want to high five you. I want to hug you.  I miss you.

I miss when you could make me laugh to cheer me up. I miss watching Storage Wars with you. I miss going to The Captain Kidd every year on our anniversary in July.  I miss your stupid farmers tan from surveying and how your neck was always red and you would swear you used sunscreen. I miss running with you. I remember that year at The Paul White road race when we decided to compete with each other. I started out fast and was ahead of you until that last big hill before the finish line.  You knew I suck at hills. Behind me I heard the Jaws shark music and I knew you caught me. You didn’t go ahead though, and you could have easily done so. You ran the end with me and then made me go ahead of you into the chute so I would officially have won our little competition that day.

I miss the girls dressing up for the Father Daughter dance every year at the rec. I know they do too. I miss you telling everyone you would never forget our anniversary because it was the day the big fight broke out at the red sox game with A-Rod.  I miss you. I remember the way you looked at me and cried when I was in labor with Hanna and you knew I was in so much pain. I remember you acting like the Red Sox won the world series in the ultrasound room when we found out Brody was a boy.

It has been so hard. The second year has easily been harder than the first too. In the first year your head is spinning. In the first year there is so much help too.  After the first year, you start to settle into the crazy reality and everyone thinks you’re okay now and the help and support starts to fade. But we aren’t ok. I hate to admit it, but I can’t do it all. I’m trying and it seems like there is always something that gets neglected and sometimes someone.  I wear too many hats and it sucks. I really do enjoy being independent.  I enjoy doing things on my own my way.  There just is never enough time in the day or week or month for one person with four kids to get it all done.  I am trying to take time for myself too. I know that’s important. I go out with friends. I date. I thank God for my amazing girlfriends that put up with me. I wonder though if I will ever have a best friend like you again. I hope so. I know you want that for me.

Every season that goes by makes the kids and I miss different things all over again. Thank God I have the kids! They are awesome, even if they can be little shits. Oh and the boys make sure I never miss a body next to me in my bed! They are awesome snugglers.

I know you are not in pain in any way now. I know you are happy. I know that you are watching us and guiding us and helping us. I know that you are with our son, Greyson. Give him lots of hugs and kisses from his mama. Give Gretzky a hug too. He was the best dog ever. Tell my mom that this mommin shit ain’t easy and I am sorry that my room was always a mess and that I left dishes in the sink. Thank her too though for teaching me to cook and, especially her pumpkin bread. Thank her for helping to teach me how to be a good person and how to smile through tears.  Have a brownie Sundae with Mike and tell him I miss his stinky farts. Tell my brother David that someday we will meet and thank you for always being my angel since the day I was born. Have some rootbeer with Uncle John and play some catch. I miss him being next door. Give them all hugs for me, seriously HUGE hugs. And I’m sending the biggest one I can muster up to heaven for you. Please continue to keep us safe and help us stay healthy and make Joni better. Please make year 3 easier than year 2. I know we will always miss you,  but I have hope that everything in our lives will somehow get easier, that things just work out. I know they will. I love you.  Thank you for being our angel.

Love,

Your Best Friend,

Kelly ❤