Mostly I like to write with humor. I seem to find humor in nearly every situation and I think that’s definitely a good thing. There are some situations where it is harder than others. This entry is not one of the funny ones. It’s just some real life. I am not writing this for pity. Those who know me well know that it is not my style. I am very much someone who tries to always pull myself up and out of lifes bullshit and move on with hope. I am doing that every. single. day. I think I feel the need to write this entry more for understanding. I am not even sure that others will really, truly understand and it doesn’t really matter. I guess maybe it would just get it off of my chest or be “part of the healing process”. I think we all have situations that hit us and, if we are to be successful human beings, we need to heal in whatever form that may take.

I lost my dad 3 months ago. Writing this made me think about how long it has been. It’s shocking to me that its been 3 months. It seems more like 3 weeks maybe. Besides my kids, he was what I had left. Now, I do NOT discount my amazing friends in the least and they know that. I love them and they help me and get me through each day with sometimes venting and sometimes, most times, laughter. But not having immediate family is hard. That’s just a fact. I lost my mom when I was 25. I felt so lost. Your parents are responsible for your identity. You rely on them for so much, at least in my case I did. I know I am lucky for all that I did have with my mom, but greedily, obviously, I wish I had more. She wasn’t there when I got married or had babies. That was hard. But, guess who was there? My dad. And guess who amazingly did all he could to comfort me, help with baby advice, and listen to me, and make me smile? My dad. Two years after my mom died, my brother passed away. He was 4 years older than me and, after growing up with the normal sibling rivalries, we were just starting to become friends. Losing him came so soon after losing my mom, that I’m still not sure I ever grieved properly (as if there is a proper way!). My dad and I had each other. I am sure that for him losing a son was gut wrenching and much harder than losing a sibling, no matter how much it hurt me. He was still my dad and he was still there to pick up the pieces and give me strength and hope.

Almost 3 years ago, I lost my husband to cancer, leaving me to raise 4 youmg children on my own including the youngest at only 18 months old. And guess who was there for me? My dad. In every way, shape, and form that man was there for me. He did more than I could ever have asked for me and my kids. The relationship he had with my children was untouchable, just so damn special. It was almost as special as the relationship he had with me. My dad was my sounding board, my comedian, my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, sometimes my punching bag, and always my best friend. I always felt that all would be ok. He made it so. He gave me hope and brought peace to my crazy, single mom life. He drove my kids to activities so I could cook us all dinner. He brought them to school in the morning so I didn’t have to wake the baby. He called me a million times a day or I called him. It was just normal. Everytime the kids said something cute, I called him. When they pissed me off, I called him. He went around my house and if something were wrong and he couldn’t fix it, he would call someone who could before I could blink. He saw problems before I knew there could be a problem and he would make sure there wasn’t. As his health deteriorated, I watched carefully when he played with the kids, taking pictures in my head, knowing it wouldn’t last forever. It truly is amazing how much this man spoiled me, but I always knew he was a generous, amazing man and I would like to think that I never took that for granted. Through all of my losses, our losses, I had him. We had each other. Even the times I felt lonely after losing my husband, I was never truly alone because I knew I still had my dad. Then he passed away.

I had never felt this feeling before and it bugged me that I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what I have felt. Then, I figured it out.

Have you ever been away from home? I don’t mean on vacation either. I mean college, bootcamp, or moving to another state? In 1996, I went away from home to Colorado for Up With People. That was the longest amount of time I would face away from my family and friends and what I knew as familiar. It was this lost, lonely feeling. It was true homesickness. Being homesick then was hard, but I could call home and I knew I would get visits from my family and that I would return home. I had that longing for them, that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just wanted to hug them and not let go and they were miles and states away. It made my heart break at times, but I would pick up the phone and hear their voices and I would start counting down til their next visit or my days back home. It would be ok. I would hug them again, see them, hear their voices. That empty feeling, that horrible feeling of homesick in the pit of your stomach, thats what I’ve got now. Only now, I can never “go back home”. The only visits are through pictures, stories, dreams, and my medium friends. That homesickness is something I know I need to learn to live with and I know I will. I am too strong not to. I have my mom and dad in me. I have 4 amazing kids. I do truly love life. I know I am blessed. This all gets me through, but it will take time.

I am also now left with truly raising 4 kids as a single mom. My dad never left me feeling that way. Like I said, he spoiled me. I am at a point in my life where 4 kids need my attention, my house needs my attention, the cars need my attention, my fathers estate needs my attention, bills need my attention, cleaning out two houses needs my attention, trying to get back out into the work world to better my family’s financial situation and for my sanity needs my attention, taking online courses needs my attention, carving out time to take a breath needs my attention. I am wearing too many hats for one person and I know it. Not sure others realize this and that doesn’t matter to me, as long as they don’t ask me to do something and wonder why it takes me so long to get to it.

I am spent. I am lonely. My head is spinning. My world is upside down. And, most of all, I miss my dad with all my heart.

So, if I don’t seem like myself lately, please remember this isn’t the usual me. This isn’t who I want to be and I won’t stay here and I am not wallowing. It’s just alot and I need time. I am chipping away, I know that. I will be me again, and soon. I am sure of it. In fact, like every time I have come out of the storm, I have hope that I will be an even better version of myself. If I can help anyone have hope in their own struggles, then mine have been blessings.