Dear Bobby,

Friday marks 4 years. I’m choking. It’s hard to breathe. Why does it still have to be like this? Every year. May hits. It’s raw all over again, like it happened yesterday. The rest of the time, mostly, I am fine. I am hopeful and positive and genuinely enjoying life, looking forward and having fun along the way. But these anniversaries roll around and BOOM! I’m hit, knocked off my feet, confused, in a fog. I know it’s normal. I know I am still strong. I know it will pass and the good memories will flow without choking and tears again. Anniversaries, however, suck!

So, another year without you physically here….

I know you’re always with us, always listening and always helping. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

This year was filled with more changes, as life always holds. The biggest change was the girls’ school closing. That was really difficult for them and for me. They ended up both home again for this year until they go back to public school next year.

Joni is a fucking rockstar. There is no way else to put it. I am proud of all of our children in different ways, but this kid just blows me away with her maturity and willingness and desire to help me and our family. There is something every single night for someone and I am out driving them around. The nights that she doesn’t have an activity, she happily makes us all dinner. She is such a good cook too! She likes things clean and tidy and really does all she can to help me with the others being slobs. She is also hilarious in that very sarcastic, dry way. She gets that sarcasm from me and I am so proud. Her and I go at it like best friends and get the best belly laughs, the way you and I would or the way my family used to be growing up. She is going to high school in a few months!! That blows my mind! I watch old home videos and see her, a little peanut with that high pitched voice and the tiniest features. Now she is a gorgeous young woman. Don’t worry, I’ve applied for my LTC. At least you would like the boys that she is friends with. They are definitely great kids from great families. We are blessed!

Hanna is 12. So, there’s that. I love the hell out of her and she can be so helpful and wonderful when she wants to be. But, hormones. Ugh. I am sure I will survive another tween. I hope. I can only imagine the hell you would be in when 3 females get PMS at the same time. She has found a love for tennis and field hockey this year. She doesn’t love schoolwork, but is so smart and looking forward to joining some of her old friends for school in the fall. She has gotten very girly. She always kind of has been, I suppose. She loves style, nails, hair, etc. She does a great job when she gets creative. I love that about her.

Brody is still my perfect little man. (Shhh…) He loves football, just like his mama! It’s all he wants to do. I try to help him and I am getting quite the arm myself. You would be proud! He has awesome grades and loves his friends. I do not understand his humor, but I laugh. I am pretty sure it is 9 year old boy poopy fart superhero humor mostly. He seems to crack up with his friends though so I’ll take it. He misses you so much. It still breaks my heart. Today 2 different kids at school mentioned something about dads and it made him come home upset. It really isn’t fair. I try whenever I can to place positive male role models in his life. I know he needs that. We have a few good friends who Brody looks up to and that makes me happy. There is still a void that I can’t fill and that sucks.

Maddox is 5 now. He has more energy than you can imagine and is so athletic! He loves his friends at preschool and will go to kindergarten next year. I wish I could keep him home and homeschool him for a few years at least, as I was able to do with the others, but I wear too many hats. It’s hard to accept really. That one on one time I got with the other three, I want it with him too! He is so adorable and mischievous. He is a horrible eater and we are working on it. He won’t even try anything new, acts like we’re poisoning him! He is very dramatic about everything. I should have him in a drama club. He did hip hop this past year and his show is coming up. That will be a sight to see, I’m sure!

So, then there’s me. The crazy, burnt out, trying to stay head above water, smiling and hoping and praying single mom of four. The lonely is the worst. I miss my sharing partner. I miss talking about the good and fighting about the bad. I miss having a hand around the house. I miss your smile, your green eyes, your arms, and your hugs. I miss so much about you. I know you’re always here. I see the signs everywhere. You loved Janet Jackson. Today, while thinking of you and upset, her song “Miss you Much” came on the radio. Thank you for being there. I am trying to get rid of the lonely, find other adults, but it’s not as easy as it sounds! I’m sure men think it’s a huge score to meet a widow with 4 young children! Ha! I am so busy with them too! I am happy and blessed for good friends that check on us and bring the wine! I am learning with time, that every year that goes by, I don’t miss you less. The missing you is deep. I know now that will never change. I will never be able to “move on”. I am, instead, still trying to learn how to move forward with you in my heart always. You’re a part of me, ever since we met in May of 2000. We became a part of each other. That is something special. That is something difficult for most to understand, but understanding it now, for me, creates a huge step in the right direction.

I do not know what year 5 without you will hold for us. I can only pray that the blessings are plentiful and that your signs from heaven never stop showing themselves and making me smile.

Love you lots. Miss you forever. ❤