I remember the day clearly. It was eighteen years ago, but still it’s all burned into my memories like it was yesterday. I remember my dad needing his pills and all of us being so tired, but just not wanting to leave her side. She knew that too. Moms and their kids, that’s special stuff right there. I remember the ICU nurse telling me that I needed to do whatever it was that would make me feel best, since these are moments we never get back. I finally decided that since nobody would leave without me, I would go home so we could all get some sleep. The next day, we woke up and drove straight back to Boston. We walked into the ICU at 11:59am. The nurses grabbed us to come in right away because she was passing. We went and prayed over my mom as she passed away at noon on December 23, 2001. She had battled leukemia for just 3 short months. It was a whirlwind. I remember my aunt telling me her clock was blinking noon when she walked in the bedroom, but only that clock and she hadn’t lost power. She knew that was my mom’s sign to her that she had passed. They were very close sisters.

The days that followed were so strange. It was surreal. How could my mom be gone? She was 62. I was 25. That just isn’t fair. Thank God for friends. They were there, supporting me and my family with whatever we needed. Most of the time I didn’t even know what it was I needed.

It’s a really hard thing, to lose someone so close to you.  It’s impossible to reason or to even have a healthy perspective.  That takes time.  I didn’t like that it took time. I wanted to be ok right away.  But I wasn’t.  Not even close.  I didn’t give up. I never do. I had two great parents that showed me giving up is never an option. It’s all how you move forward. I got married without my mom and had kids without my mom. I am so grateful that she is inside of me in so many ways. I am also grateful for the women who stepped up to help me when I had no clue and no direction.

It’s funny. I am ok now. I still miss her like hell, but I’m ok. I wonder how it would have been if she were still alive. She always wanted grandchildren. I know that I would not have to leave my kids alone as much. My house would be neater. I would probably be able to cook less too, even though I love it. I wonder if I would be a different mom though. Our experiences shape who we become and change us along the way, whether we like it or not. Perhaps I would not be as protective. Perhaps I would not have started some of the traditions I now have with my children. I wonder how they would be different with her as a grandmother. I wonder if we would butt heads and fight.

I don’t wonder if she would be proud. I’m a mom. We know we are always proud of our children as long as they’re doing their best. I am definitely doing my best. I am grateful for my mom. I am grateful for her sweet bread, her chicken and rice, her shepard’s pie. I am grateful for her silliness and her love of “a little something sweet” that I too possess. I am grateful I got her legs and her smile. I am grateful I look at the world as a good place, people as good, that I always want to help, and that the glass is full. I am grateful that I can pass a healthy outlook on life and our place in this world down to my children. I am grateful that, although I miss both of my parents dearly, I know they had a rare love and are together celebrating it now.

I miss that crazy, funny, and sometimes Irish-tempered lady (yup, inherited that too). I am grateful for all the memories and to be able to share them with my own crazy, funny, and, yes, also sometimes Irish-tempered kids.

Thanks Mom. For it all.❤