When I met my husband, I was dating another man at the time.  It wasn’t anything serious.  It was reasonable to date and still have male friends.  I think I may have been oblivious, to be honest.  I was always quite naive.   I was being honest when I told Bobby (my future husband) that he should come over and be my guinea pig, tasting the food that I wanted to cook for the guy I was dating!  I was really, really naive…  He drove the hour to see me and I made us dinner.  It was delicious, he told me.  We watched the movie that was both of our favorite.  We sat on the couch and he told me how great he was at belly button kisses and I was still oblivious to him possibly liking me.  After the movie, I innocently told him he could sleep in my room if he wanted.  He followed me upstairs and I pointed to one twin bed telling him it was mine, but that he was welcome to sleep in the other twin bed on the other side of the room.  Oh, looking back…I was REALLY NAIVE.  He slept over in the other twin bed.  The next day we golfed 9 holes.  I was having a blast.  I never thought twice. I was just having fun.  That second night together, we went to see a local band.  I remember dancing and having a great time.  On the way home, we stopped at the beach.  We got out and went onto the sand and I sat down.  He sat behind me.  That was the first time my heart went in my throat and it dawned on me that it was possible he was not looking at the last 2 days as two new friends just hanging out.  When he kissed me, I remember I said, “Please don’t do that unless you really mean it.” He kissed me again.  Two years later, that was the same place where he proposed to me. 

Five years ago, after Bobby died, I was left with a whirlwind of emotions and responsibilities. After that first 8 or 9 months, I decided that I needed to get out of the house and be social. Raising four kids was consuming me. I didn’t want something crazy with a man, just a chance to get a break from my kids and enjoy adult conversations. Being social, for me, is self care. I met a few really great guys, some whom I am happy I can call my friends now. I also met some men with…um…questionable morals. Being naive made me think that because I was honest and kind, everyone else should be too! Like most life lessons, that wasn’t an easy one to learn. I have had some fun dating and love meeting new people, but I have also noticed patterns in people and in myself, as well as learning to never be surprised by behaviors. People always keep life interesting.

When I set out to write about men, women, dating, relationships, etc, I did not want to write from a soap box. I am not a relationship expert in the least! I have learned SO MUCH, but hopefully we all have. I have my opinions for sure, but I also notice they continue to be challenged. So, instead of preaching my own opinion on the matter, I chose to do a little “research”. I asked just over 50 people the same question. I tried to make sure I had a broad demographic range. The people polled ranged in age from 20 to 70+, varied in marital status, sexual orientation, and gender. There are also variations on past relationship history and current relationship history. The question I asked stemmed in all honesty from a frustration with dating in general and a true desire to learn what might lead to “success”. These people were asked, “What do YOU believe is the most important quality to have to make a relationship successful? And, do you believe that you exhibit this quality?”

After asking, getting answers, and having a few really good conversations, I made a spreadsheet. Here is what I found. Among single individuals, whether they have never been married or are divorced and whether they currently have a partner or not, the most common answers were “communication” and “honesty”. The age range for these answers didn’t seem to matter. Among people who were married, claimed they had overall wonderful relationships, and also especially with people in longer marriages, the answers were more surprising. These people listed compatibility, humor, knowing you are equal partners, teamwork, staying true to who you are and being with someone who appreciates that, and knowing how to let go of the little things.

I have thought about this quite a bit and had conversations with others about these “results” as well. The people who have made it work for years are much more specific in their answers. I am guessing, perhaps, when their relationships first began that maybe the answers would be different, but I am thinking we single folk should learn from them. They are successful because they are forgiving and flexible. They each have humility when it is warranted. They know who they are as a person and as they have grown into that person, their partner has done the same for themselves and both appreciate the other and their journey. They have things in common, compatibility, hobbies and adventures they have shared and will continue to share and create memories. They have humor! They are able to laugh at themselves and each other and let go of what really doesn’t matter!

Now all of this makes perfect sense to me, but let’s go back to our other answers from my fellow singles. Let’s start with communication. What does that mean? Think of your definition. Do you believe that everyone would agree with you? Is your definition general or specific? Would your way of communicating ensure that a partner would understand your feelings, your wants, and your needs? We are all so different. We have had different role models growing up. Our role models, in general, teach us how to behave in our relationships based on theirs. Now, there are definitely times when this is not true. Some I know have sworn that they will not repeat what they grew up seeing. However, that then takes tremendous courage, to change an upbringing. Society also shows us various ways relationships can work or not work. Communication is a very broad term. How you express yourself and how your partner expresses themselves may be so different. This makes understanding each other impossible, unless both partners are willing to put in the work for change. How many of us are stubborn? How many of us just assume that if the other person doesn’t “get” us, it’s their fault? How many people think they are effectively communicating, but don’t realize that their way is simply not understood by the other person? I know I am guilty of this. I admit it. I believe I have learned to communicate much more effectively over the past 5 or so years than I ever have before having to date again. I also know that I have thought I was communicating effectively, yet the other person truly did not “get it”. I have been quick to run, when maybe a better response would be a conversation and an effort to try to change how I communicate so my partner could better understand me and my needs. Plenty of “matches” out there just aren’t meant to be for one reason or another, and communication might still lead two people to realize they aren’t compatible or meant for each other, but it also can’t hurt to try. Of course, the only success, I believe, would come from an effort from BOTH partners. Remember, we are not out to lose ourselves, only to try for that teamwork for the betterment of the relationship at stake.

Ok, now let’s take that other popular answer among our singles. Honesty. I would guess that the relationships with longevity have been that way because both partners are honest with themselves and one another. I would also guess that they did not list this as most important because it’s a given, or should be. Who is raised to lie, after all? Honesty is a quality we are all taught to possess from a very young age. We are usually punished if we lie. As we get older, we realize there is a very yucky feeling (or should be!) inside of us if we lie. Those who know me, know that I am an honest person. I tend to be “too honest” if that’s a thing. I cannot be fake to save my life. If you ask me my opinion on your shoes or your make up, or your life choices, I will tell it to you whether you like it or not. We live in a society where not everyone wants the truth. The truth can certainly hurt. That’s a fact. The truth also stops a number of hurts from ever occurring! Being honest with someone shows respect, helps you to be trusted, and enhances that tricky thing we call “communication”! People who answered “honesty” as the most important quality for them, in most cases, had been lied to. It hurt them. Perhaps honesty would have hurt them as well, especially if cheating was involved, but, in the longterm, the honesty will always be the better option.

I am not going to lie, hearing answers and having these conversations has opened my eyes to my own past behaviors, as well as the men I have been involved with along the way. I am only responsible for my own behavior. They are responsible for theirs. You are responsible for yours. However, I see where more conversations and less throwing in the towel could be far more effective and less hurtful.

Sometimes I wonder what Bobby would say to all of this. Sometimes I just wish I could have him back and not have to go through the crazy dating rollercoaster. That’s not the case though. He told me to make sure I found a good one because I am young and still have fun to be had and deserve to have someone by my side. I agree with him. Some people are perfectly content to go about their business alone. I like my alone time too. I’m also raising 4 kids alone and that takes up a lot of my time and energy. Mostly, I am working on being me and staying true to that. I have goals, personal and professional, and I intend to crush them, create new goals, and never stop learning and growing. This makes me whole. Nobody will ever complete me. I’m doing that for myself. The goal is for a partner, an equal. It exists, for us all. I am not quite sure what you will do with this information. I can tell you for certain, don’t sell yourself short. Don’t settle. Don’t be stubborn. Be open and willing to bend a little and let go of what doesn’t matter, in the pursuit of what truly does. And, if you happen to be like me, and you’ve lost your best friend who you were lucky enough to be truly and madly in love with, then stand with me in knowing that lightning does strike twice. It will all happen again. In fact, we may never even see it coming and maybe that’s the best way.