My husband, Bobby, passed away after a 7 month battle with stomach cancer on May 17th, 2015. Our 4 children were 1 1/2, 5, 8, and 9. Every year I write a letter to him and post it. I write this letter as a way to honor him and his memory, to remind others that there can always be faith, hope, and love in the toughest of situations (and that these WILL lift us up), and because love never dies. I also write these letters to honor the strength, resiliency, and perseverance in my children and in myself. So, here’s my letter and here’s to Bobby.

5 Years…

Dear Bobby,  I miss you.  We miss you.  That’s never going to change.  I know that.  That’s ok.  It just shows how blessed we were to have had you in our lives and how much you are still loved.  This has been one hell of an effing year. Holy crap! Joni started high school this past fall! I definitely prefer the worries of when they are younger to the worries of teenagers! She has had a great year though. She has made honor roll every quarter and gotten herself into the health careers program. She currently would like to become a pediatric surgeon of some sort. God bless her! I still hate hospitals! She played volleyball and basketball. She also made the lacrosse team, but the season was cancelled because of the Covid19 pandemic. It is so scary to know she needs more independence and to figure out the safe ways to give it to her. I hold on a little too tight maybe, but these kids are all I got. Someday they’ll understand. I am grateful for the friends that she has made this year. They are good kids with good families. I am most grateful that she maintains the connections from her St. Margaret’s years. These are families that I couldn’t live without! She is a great kid with a great heart, but it’s now mixed in with teenager stuff. She helps when she wants to or when I finally yell about it. She tells me I don’t understand anything. She also still wants me to tuck her in and sing to her and she still gives me random hugs. It’s all balance I guess. She is navigating being a high schooler and I am navigating parenting one. We will both screw up, I’m sure, but it’s been done before so I think we will be OK. You would be so excited watching her play sports. She really works so hard and has improved tremendously.

Hanna is 13 now. I am not qualified to raise one teenager, let alone two. Also, forgive me for all the times I curse you for leaving me here by myself with two teenage girls, but teenage girls suck! This year was also the first year for Hanna in a public school. There has been alot of getting used to things for her and we have had our struggles, but we are getting there. She worked hard as Chip in the school play Beauty and the Beast. Unfortunately, pandemic cancelled the performance which was just so hard to take after all that anticipation, excitement, and work. She has maintained good grades this year and also played field hockey last fall. She did awesome and I could imagine you screaming and cheering on the sidelines. She is so creative too. I love that about her. She comes up with some of the coolest ideas.

Brody is finishing up 4th grade. He is super nervous to go to a new school next year, a bigger school without his best friend. That part breaks my heart. I will do everything I can to keep them connected though. They have a friendship and bond that I’ve never seen before and I love it. He misses you every day and most days tells me. He misses someone to shoot on him when he puts on his street hockey goalie pads and rollerblades. He misses someone to pitch to him. He misses so much more than that too. I try. I always do. I’m not the same though and I know it. He is the sweetest and tells me often that he knows I’m trying and that he appreciates it and loves me. He also asks me when I could please get a boyfriend! Haha. I know boys need boys. That makes me love that he does have his best friend even more. Brody is definitely a jack of all trades. He gets straight A’s nearly all the time. He is sweet, respectful, and kind. He loves to play sports and reminds me of you in that he has started to memorize every sports fact in history! He loves football, hockey, basketball, and baseball. He is also great at fixing broken stuff and making things work around here and so helpful. Thank God! He is an amazing cook too. The list of foods he has made keeps growing. He makes his own bagels from scratch and also made a ricotta pie 2 weeks ago. I tell him, and all our kids, how proud I know you are of them. Thank God they are all great cooks!

Then there is our youngest baby. Maddox started kindergarten this year! He is as unique as they come. Each child is, I know. Maddox is absolutely crazy. His energy for everything is off the charts. He has become more independent this year in so many ways, but he still milks the fact that he is the youngest. He pretends he can’t do stuff when he is lazy and wants someone else to do it for him. Little stinker. He has made awesome friends at school. We are blessed for these friends and will work to keep these connections. St. Margaret’s will be closed now, so Maddox will be at public school too, and without any of his buddies. I hate this. I have every faith in the public schools, I think they are wonderful, and I know he will excel. But they were at a small school for a reason and thats what we all know and love, so this is a hard transition. No matter how upset it makes me, I smile and give them all the reassurances I can and point out the positives. Maddox says he is excited he won’t have to wear a uniform because it always gave him a wedgie and the playgrounds at the new school are awesome. It’s all about the recess when you’re six. He loves sports too and wants to do everything Brody does. He also loves to build forts and do anything that causes me to freak out. He says he wants to be a firefighter. I know when I finally go grey, he will be the reason. He misses you in a different way than the others. It sucks that he didn’t have much time with you at all. I tell him stories and we have pictures everywhere. But he knows it’s not fair. He wants a man around too. I swear he would marry me off tomorrow if he could, just to have a man to do “boy” stuff with!

All of the kids miss you. I know that. We all have a void. The girls don’t say much, but the boys tell me often. I try to date and meet men, but to be honest, I was spoiled in many ways. I don’t compare other men to you, but I know what made us compatible. I know what I was attracted to in you. Those wants aren’t going to change. I was spoiled in that you were a very attractive man and your personality made you even better. I was spoiled because you were funny and sarcastic and could take a joke. I was spoiled because you let me be me and do the quirky stuff I do and you would just shake your head and give me a kiss. I was spoiled and I haven’t found that yet again. I will. It’s harder now than 20 years ago when we met. Now I have kids that kind of pressure me to find a man dammit! Haha I also have so many other things on my plate too. Every year I grow my fitness career a little more and I’m proud of that. Working while raising 4 kids alone is a challenge, but little by little and day by day I make it work. I have also been working on things around the house and that to do list never ends. I have learned alot, no doubt. I think about you everyday. Lately, I gave thought to some things I’ll never forget. I remember the night we met at The Charlie Horse. You knew my friend and I knew yours. We randomly saw each other the next night at a different place too. Tell me that wasn’t fate. I remember being miserable one day on my couch with cramps and you bringing me swedish fish because I loved Swedish fish. I remember you running out every Sunday night to get Somerset Creamery for us while I put the kids to bed so we could eat it together in peace. I remember you questioning if I really needed to bring my medicine ball when we drove cross country and letting me bring it anyways. I didn’t use it once. I remember working out together at Bruce’s gym. We pushed each other to be faster, stronger, healthier. Man, that was sexy as hell! I remember when we were addicted to Storage Wars. We experienced so much in our 15 years together! Life is always a journey and we learn as we go. As I have lived these past 5 years without you here on earth with me, I have come to accept so many things. I have also made changes in ways that better our lives and make us happier. I am my worst critic, but when it comes down to it, I know that all I can do is my best. I have made awesome memories with the kids and I will continue to make more. Right now I can hear them fighting and tearing up the house. There are stages we all go through. I guess this is where I’m at right now. I am a tired mom, not as burnt out as I was a few months ago (thanks to the pandemic for slowing life down!), knowing I can take care of shit on my own, but not really wanting to, and living with the hope that there will always be good things to come. I am proud of us. God, the way I miss you sometimes does still takes my breath away.

Love you Bobby. Always. Xoxo