I am NOT an expert on trauma. I do not have a degree in the field. I am not a doctor of anything. I do, however, have experience, lots of experience. So if you want to read my opinion, keep going. If you are seeking professional help, however, this isn’t it. Just my two cents…

Trauma isn’t black and white. It isn’t one experience worse than the other at a certain time. My own trauma mostly has grief at the root, but there are other situations in my life that have also caused trauma, especially if it has to do with my children. We all process trauma differently and in various time frames, but TRAUMA MUST BE PROCESSED. I saw a quote recently and I am not sure who said it, but it really gets to my point here. “The only way out is through.” The only way to heal from what happens to us and around us is to address it, talk about it, work through it, hopefully with someone you trust, and then pick up the pieces to build your future without that trauma at the root of it. It will always be a piece of your life, but you won’t always see it front and center. I would like to think of trauma as stones in our garden that we have painted our own messages on. They remind us of how far we have come. These stones are just small pieces leftover from what once was the foundation of our house and on which our life was built. When we address that foundation, and the cracks in it, we break it down and the trauma is easier to see and handle as part of a stronger self. We are then able to rebuild the foundation and cast those stones out of the house and into the garden. Then we can find them as a sign of our strength whenever we might feel weak. Look how far you have come!

When trauma is not addressed, things can get really ugly. That foundation, made up of the trauma, will eventually cause the house to crumble. I have seen it firsthand. My daughter did not cry for a year after her father died. She was 9. I worried about where that sadness was hiding. She went into full on taking over, helping with everything, delving into school work and her sports. On the 1 year anniversary of his death, I asked the children to each write a letter to their dad to bring to the cemetery. She went upstairs for 45 minutes, came downstairs crying and holding the letter, and cried almost all the time for the next 2 weeks. It was hard to see, but it was her time and it had to happen. My daughter is just like me, for better or worse. In this case, worse. I too used to stay as busy as possible, partly because 4 kids keep you busy and partly because thinking is sometimes too painful. After my husband died, I did think and I did cry alot for years. It was mostly at night when the house was quiet and I was by myself. As time went on, this happened less and less. It doesn’t mean I miss him any less. It just means that I have healed in a way that allows me to be ok missing him and still live life to the fullest.

When my dad died, I did exactly what my daughter had done when her dad died. It scared the crap out of me. I spoke with my therapist about it. (Everybody should have one by the way!) She asked me why I thought I hadn’t cried. I told her it hurt too much. I was afraid that if I started, I might never stop. This man was the one with me through losing everyone else I had lost. He was what I had left to keep me sane. She assured me that yes it would hurt and also that I would eventually stop. That evening my kids and I talked about my dad and what we missed and we did all cry, alot. And I did stop. I am not sure you can ever really be the same after you lose a parent, but you can still rebuild, using those stones as reminders of your strength.

Trauma is not only grief from death of loved ones. I can’t begin to list examples of trauma. However, we all have it. Adults and children all will at some point suffer trauma. We live in a world where everyone just keeps going, no matter what. When you end a relationship and are waking up the next day, buying your coffee, at the office, at the grocery store, look around. There is nobody that knows how empty you feel and the world is still turning. That is a shitty feeling, yet you are supposed to keep going because that’s what the rest of the world does, right? WRONG. You are supposed to give yourself grace. You are human. You need to process your emotions! It’s not only okay, but necessary. They will come out. We cannot run from it. Sometimes we just need time to think and regroup. Sometimes we need more. Yesterday, my son’s school went on lockdown. The children were in no danger, thank God. There was a domestic issue in the neighborhood. However, these children did not know why their day was suddenly going to be different than planned. They did not know why they had to get on buses and ride to another school to see their mommies and daddies. Parents waited over 3 hours from the first notice of a lockdown until they held their babies tight. That is a long time. It’s a long time to pray and not know and pray some more. It’s a long time to think about your kid being scared and you not being there to comfort them and let them know they are indeed safe. Today my son is home from school. We talked about what happened and decided together that a mental health day off would be a good idea. This is the start of giving him space to process this trauma. We need quiet and someone we trust to do this. Adults need to model this for our children. This will help them to grow up knowing that it’s ok to stop and think and process and move through it to get past it.

Unfortunately, we live in a very All-or-Nothing society. Much of society is either completely on one end or the other of everything. Nothing seems to be in moderation. Everything is taken to the extreme. We are either mentally tough and never cry or we fall apart at every turn. This is simply not true. I need to clarify. Emotions are ALL normal and natural. We all have every emotion and we should feel them. Without feeling sad, we won’t know happy. Without feeling anxious, we wouldn’t feel relaxed. There is not one emotion that we should not feel at one point or another. It’s still ok to feel sad or angry, but it is how we deal with those emotions that is important. If we feel sad and stay there, that becomes a problem. If we are anxious and never face a certain situation because of it, then we are not truly living and this requires help. There is a difference in facing traumatic events and the emotions they stir up in us in a healthy way versus dwelling on it all and letting it take over. We must face it, work through it, come up with a plan, and move forward with our lives. I do not believe that we should allow any event or emotion to become a crutch. There is no excuse for being a jerk or stifling your own growth. In our children, we should also not make excuses for them or their behavior. Let’s build strength in ourselves and in our children. Let’s use mental health strategies to make the world a kinder, more joyful place. Let’s normalize taking a break and regrouping over going non-stop until trauma bites us in the ass. Let’s normalize asking people how they are doing and actually caring. Let’s listen to one another, help each other and be the sunshine someone may need. Help me to show our children that, no matter how they are feeling, it’s ok. Help them feel safe to process it. Let it become the norm. We are here to help them through it and we will help them write their own messages on their stones of life, as we learn to write our own.