A few years ago my father asked me a question. “Do you really think your mother ever gave a s**t if she hurt your feelings when she punished you?” He asked me this when I was upset that I had to punish one of my kids for something. As I stared at him, he answered. “Oh hell no she didn’t. BUT you still loved her and looked up to her and had fun with her.”

She knew her job wasn’t to be my friend. All of my aunts and uncles were the same way. Awesome, no doubt, but they would discipline and that was that. My close friends all had similar parents as well. I loved all my friends’ parents. I never thought they were jerks. Our parents were all just doing their jobs. They were raising us. And, for the most part, they were not raising assholes! We didn’t expect our parents to cater to us or be our friends or let us get away with things that we shouldn’t. My parents had the authority and that was that.

Where has this concept changed? Why has it changed? I ask these questions because, undoubtedly, it has changed. I think I punish when punishing is due. I definitely follow through on my threats of consequences. But I always feel awful about it. I know I shouldn’t. I know I am doing the right thing. Why do I feel so bad? Where did we get soft? My mother, God rest her soul, had a temper. I’m not sure if she ever actually smacked me, but she would get in my face with her open hand and somehow I knew this was a threat she would follow through on if I didn’t shut my mouth and do exactly what she requested. I was the youngest. I had seen what had happened to the ones before me and my mother was taking no shit. That was clear. This woman had broken a record over my sister’s head when she wouldn’t turn her music down. She had hit her over the head with the telephone when she wouldn’t get off of it. She had thrown a stapler at my brother when she couldn’t catch him running from her through my dad’s office. Surely, there was no way anything with her would be taken as an empty threat. Over the years my dad, more laid back than my mom, would get in on it from time to time, but we knew my mom was the one to fear. So now here I am. I inherited my mother’s Irish temper. Just like her, I too am patient and sweet for a good amount of time. It’s like that game we played when we were little, Perfection. You don’t actually know how much time you’ve got before it blows and all hell breaks loose, pieces flying everywhere. I ask for my children to do things. I ask for them not to do things. I break up their fights. I try to harness my inner Mary Poppins. It works temporarily. You would think, by now, my kids would know this. I learned this quickly about my own mother. When the inner timer goes off, not only is it unpredictable, but it’s loud and mad. So here I am, a single mom of 4, including a tween and two teens. I am the boss. There is nobody else for that role. Here I am and I mean business. Why the f%*k isn’t anyone acting afraid of me?!? Is it because they know I won’t hit them? Is it because they are spoiled somehow, even though we aren’t rich and I say no alot? Is it because I haven’t cried yet? Sometimes I don’t think they respond until I have tears, until they push me to the edge.

This weekend I got really mean. As in, I didn’t let one of my daughters borrow my sweatshirt until she did dishes to earn it. I made them help me clean. I expected them to do nice things for me! I didn’t do this because I’m being selfish. I did this because there isn’t another parent to point out that they are being assholes or that their mother is about to lose her shit. I do these things because it is my job (our job as parents!) to raise our children NOT to be selfish assholes, but to be thoughtful and caring and to bring that out into the world.

I have been really frustrated lately with how parenting has changed. Maybe it hasn’t, since my point of view 30 years ago was from a teenagers perspective, but I’m just going on how it feels. Did we have so many of my generation that were bitter that they didn’t get that trophy? In return, they were bound and determined to make sure their own kids would always get one? Now we have this entitled bullshit to deal with? Nobody can argue the internet changed parenting. I don’t think it’s a positive change either. Now we have every kid trying to keep up with everyone else. Remember when everyone who was cool wore BodyGlove? I could handle that MUCH easier than kids repeating the stupid stuff they see online or just feeling like their worth as a human being is connected to the amount of “likes”.

Now I get it. Our generation was different in many ways from our parents. Theirs was different from their parents. The world evolves and changes with time. We need to evolve and change with it in many ways too. Why though are parents not acting like parents? With the changes in the world today, it is our job as parents to keep our children from getting hurt (including hurting themselves by doing stupid stuff), from hurting other people, and to make sure they have morals and values at the heart of who they are and all they do. It is the hardest job. We get paid no money. Teenagers definitely don’t even hug you or act grateful! We have to stop taking this personally!

As they get older and parenting changes, some things stay the same. It’s ok for them to be upset with us sometimes if it means we have done our job! No matter the generation, we all need at some point to be taught discipline to succeed in life. So this is my plea to you as a parent. Please teach your children that even if they lose or go through some kind of crap, which they will, they still need to be kind and follow rules. Please remember that it is up to YOU to enforce those rules. Teachers teach. Coaches coach. Both can be wonderful role models, but, when it comes to making sure YOUR kid is not an asshole, that’s YOUR job. I’ll try not to be soft over here and you do the same. The world thanks us and our kids will someday too!