I can’t be fake if I try. It’s not natural, it’s painful, even. It’s like there is some sort of block in my brain that just won’t let it happen. When I try to entertain a conversation with someone who is fake, it makes me cringe. I smile and usually throw in sarcasm to see if they catch it or think I’m really being that sicky sweet. People that know me, if they witness this display, usually burst out laughing afterwards because they just know. They know I was struggling. It’s not that I am a rude person or that I am trying to be mean. I would like to think that I am quite polite. It’s just that sometimes you have to have conversations with people that really are not genuine. Those are not my people.

This year I began a journey that has turned out to be giving me more than I had expected. I am taking a year long yoga teacher training course. I went into it assuming it would be all about poses and mechanics and breathing. It does teach all of that, but at the heart of it is some pretty cool soul searching. I say pretty cool because that’s my opinion. Others might think it’s been difficult to dig into themselves, but I love it. Here is why: I love studying people. Therefore, to study myself is really extra interesting. See, some people are afraid to challenge who they have always been. I am not. I think it’s exciting to learn and grow and see just what you can become. I love using the term “the best version of yourself”. We have all of these wonderful powers inside of us. Sadly, many people go their entire lives without using these powers and therefore not completely living life to the fullest. I love life! I’ll be damned if I won’t live it to the fullest.

One term we use alot in this class is “speaking our truth”. I have come to absolutely love and embrace this special superpower that we ALL possess! Speaking YOUR truth means that you stay true to who you are and what you want. It doesn’t mean not compromising at all, but it means not compromising when it comes to the things that are meaningful to you. It doesn’t mean not listening to others opinions or changing your own mind as you learn and grow, but it does mean that you speak up for what you believe to be right and for the opinions that you have and are allowed to respectfully share. It means having the confidence to have a conversation and contribute your own ideas without fear of them being made fun of or told somehow they are wrong or less than someone else’s ideas. It also doesn’t mean being rude. You can speak your truth in a way that allows everyone to feel safe and respected and heard. That’s a superpower!

A very interesting thing for me to learn about myself is that there was a time when I wasn’t speaking my truth. As real and blunt as I am, I still didn’t always do it. In fact, I don’t believe I was really even aware of this, to be honest, but it has been life changing. I implore you to try it. In conversations I have always made sure that I listened and didn’t push some opinion unless it was well educated as to not be ignorant. Many times I would say that “I can’t speak to that because I haven’t learned enough yet.” Listening to ignorant people give an opinion when they don’t know what they’re talking about is annoying for everyone, but that is not what speaking your truth is about.

The area of my life where I was not speaking my truth has been in relationships. I was speaking my truth to a pretty good degree when it came to friends because I always felt the ones that will love and accept you certainly won’t turn you away for thinking differently than they do! Why would you want a friend like that anyways? We can be ourselves and still be loved, after all, by the right people! Now move this idea to relationships with possible partners, to dating. This is where I was not speaking my truth. It has taken me 7 years to realize this, maybe more.

When I met Bobby, it was so easy. Everything about us getting together was easy and natural. It was like I had an instant best friend. There was no drama. I was 100% me and that’s what he fell in love with. I remember us having this one conversation very early on about how nice it was to be able to say whatever we wanted and know we were accepted. We also very naively talked about how we would never fight as long as we both always respected one another. We were pretty young then. It’s easy to say you’ll never fight when there really isn’t anything to fight about. It’s easy to get along before making decisions together on kids, finances, and day to day living. As time went on, we always stayed in love and we definitely still did so many fun things together. We also fought. As we fought, I realized that I hated fighting. So I stopped. He didn’t, but I did. So I lost my voice. Eventually that led to not really being in a great situation, not really being who I am meant to be, who I always have been. After he passed away, there was so much to deal with. Grief was at the forefront, but many times pushed aside by the logistics of raising four kids on my own now. It took some time for the dust to settle and to process the grief. Fights don’t matter as much now when you love someone and they’re gone. I know the love was always there. When I remember him now, I remember the way he looked at me with love. I remember him being crazy fun and me being so attracted to that. I remember his smile and the way he called me “Baby” when he was trying to be cute because he had left a mess for me to clean or let one of the kids to do something they shouldn’t have. I remember the way he hugged me, with so much love. These are the important things to remember. The only reason to remember the negative stuff is to learn from it and leave it in the past, just as I have left that version of myself in the past, the one without her true voice.

It has taken me 7 years of being a widow and about 6 years or so of dating and being in a few different relationships to learn to stick to being who I am and to bring back that person inside that was pushed down, that voice that stopped trying to be heard. It took some serious “stop and think time” to learn who I am and to learn how to be true to that woman, to that voice. That voice will never be silent again. It seems most men really hate that! As we speak our truth, we need to be prepared for people to leave our lives. Maybe they’ll come back and maybe they won’t, but the people that are meant to stay, will stay. They will stay because they respect you and your voice. They will stay because they know you are strong and they are not threatened by this, but proud they know you! I realize that, when I entered into a relationship, like many women I would sometimes allow myself to be neglected or ignored at times and then accept stupid excuses. “Bread crumbs” I’ve heard it referred to as this. Someone keeps your attention on them by giving you a bit of attention here and there, instead of their full attention. They do this because you aren’t a priority. They want to know they can have someone when they feel like it, that’s all. If it doesn’t fit into their schedule or they have other things they would rather do, then you get put on the back burner. Nobody should allow themselves to be put on the back burner. EVER. But, we do it. I did it because I was lonely. It’s not easy to be with someone for 15 years and lose them. There is a void. We are human and we want that connection with another human. That is all okay too! It’s just not ok to allow the loneliness we feel to give us an excuse to be treated poorly. If we allow it to happen, we are not being truthful to ourselves. If we pretend to be something we are not, then we aren’t speaking our truth at all. If we enter into a relationship not standing up for who we are and what we want, then we cannot expect to ever get it! We cannot be something we aren’t and then expect to be happy and fulfilled with another person. It isn’t until we truly open ourselves up to being vulnerable, that we chance finding someone that matches our energy, that accepts who we are in all of our beauty and in all of our faults. As I have said, some people won’t like this, but that’s on them! If someone doesn’t accept you changing, it’s probably because they were getting something from you that you are no longer allowing them to take. They may also be unhappy or stuck in some kind of rut. Maybe they aren’t speaking up themselves. None of that is on you! You are becoming more, so much more! You have a responsibility to your true self to keep being more. You should never stop being better, being more, because someone else might feel as if they are less. That’s on them! Let them do their own healing, their own journey. You do you!

As I have said, I love studying people. It allows me to better understand where others are coming from when they say something or do something, good or bad. It helps me to connect with people from all walks of life. It helps me to see how alike we all really are while still being so very different. If you are also analytical, please do not to study people to judge them. Use your powers of observation to seek to understand. Most importantly, however, take the time to look inside and study yourself. You will have an opportunity to get to know someone who is more amazing than you ever could imagine. As you get to know this person, you will understand how your past experiences have shaped who you are now. You will also see how far you have come and where you may need to put in a little work. Not everyone will like this person who speaks their truth, but the people who are supposed to be in your life will find their way to you. Once you know yourself and your talents, you will not only improve your own life, but the lives around you as well. Do not be afraid to embrace the best version of yourself and all of your talents and share them! Speaking your truth, when done right, is not selfish. On the contrary, this is your gift to the world. Stand strong knowing that your voice matters and so does your heart. Share them wisely with those that are open to both.