I’m going to cry alot next week. Especially Thursday. See, it’s senior night for volleyball and I have a high school senior. She is a three sport athlete and volleyball is her fall sport. There will still be basketball and lacrosse, but volleyball is her favorite. This is also the first of the “lasts”. In a few weeks, her last season of her high school volleyball career will be over. It’s a reminder of all the high school “lasts” left to come. I’m tearing up, in fact, writing this and just thinking about it! They aren’t bad tears. They’re human tears. This all evokes emotion and emotion has to come out somehow.

She is the oldest of my four children. She is the first to give me these “lasts”. Maybe I’ll get used to it or maybe I won’t. Firsts have always been really difficult for me. It makes me think of my late husband. I know he is always still with us, but not being able to share the pride I have for what these kids accomplish is just so hard. From the first year after he passed, I have been feeling these emotions. I am certain they never go away. I am not being pessimistic by saying so either. This is life. There will always be something that it just would have been nice to have him here for, especially for my children. It sucks to miss your dad. It’s that simple. When the bigger accomplishments happen, it sucks even more. Doing this on my own has not been easy. I make it a point to try to live in each moment and enjoy every possible second I can. I do this while also having this kind of relief as they get through different stages and accomplish different things. It’s like sometimes I’m holding my breath. Every year older they get, every next grade, every sport they move up in, every trip we take, I feel closer to thinking “I’ve done this!”. I am sometimes so scared of screwing up and so tired and burnt out that’s its amazing and relieving to me when they’ve gotten to the next age/level/etc. Like, while enjoying them now, I am trying to also make it to the point where I have raised them all and “made it” to where they are, hopefully, fully functional and responsible adults. It’s alot of pressure!

I am not writing all of this to be a Debbie- Downer either. I joke alot because we have to! Life is supposed to be fun and I know it has and will continue to be fun. I know I will look back and be amazed it went so fast. I already am. There are always hilarious moments when raising children. Right now, it’s just one of those times when the reality hits and the emotion of seeing my baby growing up is a bit overwhelming.

It seems like I was just bringing home from the hospital! She was a peanut, 4 lbs 5 oz! “Though she be little, she is fierce” has always applied! She did not sleep through the night for 2 years. We couldn’t sit her down long enough to feed her. As she ran by the table, we would make her stop and take a bite or two before she was off again. She probably ate like that for 5 years. In alot of ways, she still does. She amazes me with her drive and her energy. Even through health issues and losing loved ones, she never skips a beat. She knows how to have fun, even if it’s difficult to balance with school, work, sports, and community service. But she figures it out. She may never actually know how proud I am of her until she has her own children. I know I didn’t get it until then. I don’t think any of us do.

So here we are. In 12 days she will be playing in her last high school volleyball game. It will be Senior Night. She will be honored along with the other seniors. Our family will be there. I’m taking one of my other kids out of school early so we don’t miss a moment. We will go down on the court to take a picture with her. Don’t mind me. I will be balling my eyes out. It will probably make my kids cry too because that’s what happens in our family. I’m not going to apologize for it, not one bit. Nobody has to feel bad. It isn’t a bad thing. It just means we did it, we did another thing. SHE did it. And I am just SO PROUD.