Dear Bobby,

Time flies, but also it doesn’t. I remember hearing someone tell me when the kids were little, “The days are long, but the years are short”. Somehow, in truth, the years are short, but also long. Raising kids as a single mom is no joke. Add all the stuff and things that go into that along with two jobs. Hustle, hustle, hustle. People always comment on how busy I am. Well, no shit. What other way is there? I may be busy and exhausted, but I also love most of the stuff that keeps me busy. I swear though, there are times when I picture myself smacking the next person making a “busy” comment to me.

Nine years. You’ve been gone for almost a decade. It is a long time, yet still the same feeling hits me every, single year. That choking feeling that comes along when it becomes May, even though it’s also my birthday month and I try to focus on that and smile. But the choking feeling stays and I get emotional, even at the littlest things. Today I was subbing and in music the 4th graders sang “Wind Beneath my Wings” and I thought I was going to lose it! What the heck is wrong with me? I’m happy the kids aren’t affected in the same way that I am. They were so little. I know they do get upset and show it in different ways though, too. For me, it’s like I have ptsd from living through losing you and everything that led up to it. From the late nights spent in the hospital so that I could be home to take care of the kids during the day and burning it at both ends, to your family being so shitty to me and somehow thinking them putting more stress on me was acceptable in the midst of their own grief. I knew you for fifteen years. That’s a long time. We shared so many memories. I suppose mixing the loss of you with the ptsd just is something that might never go away. Some years it definitely is easier. This year, I have really busted ass and been burnt out in many ways. I know that’s why it hits harder. If you were here, in theory I wouldn’t be so wiped out by wearing so many hats. However, I will always continue to count my blessings.

It has been a great year in many ways. All the work I’ve spent so much time on is paying off in some big ways and opportunities. I know my purpose is to help spread hope to others and also to help them to thrive and love life despite going through tough times. I love speaking and teaching workshops and classes. I most of all love connecting with people and helping them know they aren’t alone.

Mommin’ had been insanely challenging this year. Teenagers are tough, especially girls and especially on their mamas. I hate that you aren’t here for this, definitely my least favorite stage ever. Little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems. Ain’t that the truth! Teenagers are messy and talk back and lazy. But I still love them. They may be all those things, but they also show me what a great job I’ve done in raising them. They are hard workers (when money is involved!). They are smart and do well in school. They make me laugh. They are good friends to others. They are athletic and strong and fearless.

We’ve got Joni done with year one of college! She did amazing with her grades taking 5 classes each semester. She has no idea how proud I am of her. She also has worked 2 jobs most of the year. I’m starting the college search with Hanna. I think we both learned from when I went through this process with Joni. This time we are trying to stream-line it a bit. It’s exciting and scary and crazy all at once. Hanna kicks ass in lacrosse and maintains a high GPA. She started her co-op job, and also still works at Somerset Creamery. She got her license this year too. Brody is in high school, still a boy genius, and starting catcher for the freshman baseball team. He is finally the tallest one in the family. He is the peace keeper, the helper, the chill one. Maddox has grown out of the little boy look and into a big kid. He is as rambunctious as ever. He can easily get sucked into fortnite, but loves sports too, especially baseball. His personality is so extroverted and fun. He makes people around him smile and laugh. He is a great friend. Soon he will have surgery for his vocal nodules. I’m not sure if I want to part with that adorable, raspy voice, but I know it’s not good for him and necessary.

I am so proud of all four of the kids. They are so funny sometimes. They can make me insane, but they also make me laugh. I think that’s pretty typical. I am just so grateful for the laughing part the most. I’m grateful for a lot of things. As the years go on, I understand all I have done and continue to do. I have been forced into opportunities and down paths that I may never have found had it not been for you not being here. I have met friends that are family. I have coached teams that I have no doubt you would have insisted was your job. But I did it and I love every minute of it and I’ll keep doing it. I will always love you. I also realize though who I am on my own. And I think that woman is awesome. I am grateful for the opportunity to be her. We never would want to go through the shit that the kids and I have gone through, but we are better people for having fought to be where we are.

Unless they’re living it, people don’t realize that you can have “opposite” or “different” feelings all at once. I can miss you and wish you were here with us. I can also be proud of myself and truly happy that I have been forced to learn what I have learned about life. It has made me a better person and continues to do so every day. We sometimes forget who we are and what we want when we find a partner. We sometimes lose sight of our authenticity when we become parents. This is especially true of moms. I know that we only get one life. I feel sad for others who aren’t even paying attention to the time they are wasting. Wasting on a job they don’t love, on being mean and hateful to others, on not taking care of their health, on not making time for friends, on not pursuing hobbies and dreams and goals, on not believing in themselves, on letting others judge them and listening to it. It’s sad. And I refuse to live sad. You had dreams and goals too. It sucks that you never even began to live them, that you listened too much to others who didn’t matter and weren’t living your life. I want everyone to love their life. I bitch about a messy house and making ends meet and kids and schedules. I’m human. We can all do that. In the grand scheme of things, what do we want though? Who do we want to spend our time with? We each write our own story. If we are lucky enough to be alive, then we have an obligation to make it a fucking best seller. This is just a chapter, but boy are we entering into a good one. Thank you, Bobby. Thank you for being an angel, for still listening to me bitch, for being here in your way. Thank you for the lessons learned throughout our relationship and for our beautiful children. As weird as it seems to some, thank you also to the freedom you gave me, for the second chance at another love someday. Thank you for it helping me to realize it also gives me a second chance to love and appreciate myself for all that I do and all that I am and for all that I will continue to give to the world. We miss you. Keep watching out for us.

Love,

Kelly