Today is Thanksgiving, but it’s also your birthday. November 28th, the day you were stillborn, so also the anniversary of your passing. You would have been 13 today.  I realized a long time ago that you were always meant to be an angel.  I was blessed to feel you move around and to be able to talk to you and read to you and sing to you too.  It is one thing to accept that you are an angel.  There will still always be those occasional moments when I wonder what it would have been like if you had lived.  Who would you be? What kind of personality would you have? You would be 22 months younger than Brody and 2 years older than Maddox.  The middle brother… Would you be into baseball, too? Would I be helping to coach three teams? Would I be breaking up three-way wrestling matches on the trampoline, or would you take turns beating the crap out of each other? Would I be able to keep up with the amount of food in the house? How would you get along with your sisters? They can be a lot.  Would there be even more pee on the toilet seat? Or would you be the boy that actually lifted the lid?  Would you still give me snuggles? Would I still be cool, or would I be cringy in your mind?  Who would you look like? Would you be the one that finally looked like your dad?

I’m your mom. I will always be your mom. I will always have times that I wonder and wish.  I will also always love you. We all will.  I only got to see your face briefly and hold you in my arms for a few hours, but I will always hold you in my heart.  I am at peace that my mom has a grandchild up there with her since she missed out on that down here.  I have faith that you get all the hugs you need.  I’ll keep stealing them from these siblings of yours whenever they still allow it.  Today, although you are not here with us physically, I give thanks for you and for being able to hold you inside of me close to my heart, for eight and a half months, and always.