Some readers will completely get this and some will be left wondering if I have lost my mind. You’ll know who you are…if you get it, you just get it and you’ll know to wave.

I got my first Jeep when I got my license. I grew up in a family of Jeep owners and always knew it was in my blood. It was an ’89 black wrangler (back before the 4 doors were a thing). It was gorgeous as far as I was concerned. It was also a piece of crap in the running-efficiently-with-no-issues department. I didn’t care about that though. What 16 year old girl would? Looking back, it was a blessing. I learned quite a bit about how to fix things and at least which parts were which and what they did. That Jeep drove my high school friends around every weekend. Every weekday she barely got my best friend and I to school on time! I remember commuting to the campus of Bridgewater State to my classes when I was in college. I carpooled with a friend. After class, we would pop the hood and put dry gas in the carburetor to get it to start up. The boys always asked if we needed help, but we would just smile at them as the little flame shot out and we knew we were good to go. Another time, I had an oil leak, but plans to visit a friend in Maine, about 4-5 hours away. My dad was the coolest, buying me a case of oil, and reminding me to keep checking it or I would be screwed and we would fix it when I got home the next week. I am pretty certain my friend thought I was crazy when we left the movies, I checked the oil, and added a quart. I did it every so many miles. That Jeep made me appreciate every vehicle I have had since then that ran with all the parts working!

I drove her for about 3 years. The last time I drove her, I was on my way to work and smoke started to come out of the steering wheel. The next day my dad co-signed a loan for me and I brought home my new 1996 turquoise wrangler. She was a beauty! I called her my Buffett-mobile (after Jimmy, of course). It was, and still is, my favorite color: summer, fun, friends, sun, sand, margaritas.

That girl saw years of memories. She was with me when I met my husband. She must have been attracted to his black wrangler. I know I was! Together we drove my girl down to West Virginia to Camp Jeep three years in a row. The first year, we decided to tent camp. Neither he nor I had ever done it before. It rained all three nights! In the middle of the third night, we packed up and drove to a damn hotel! I have never tent camped since! One year we got my dad and my uncle to drive down with us to Camp Jeep. It was so fun! Bobby, my future husband, and I used to enter the contests to see who could take down and put back up the soft top in the fastest time. Back then they were easy! Loud as heck, but quick to maneuver. He broke a minute and I broke a minute and a half. We won a new soft top and an extra set of new windows one year. In 2001, that girl drove the two of us across the country. One day, she drove all the way from Denver to Kentucky, but that was Bobby’s stubbornness kicking in really. She saw the Hoover Dam, the Grand Canyon, the 4 corners, drove straight across Kansas, almost the entire East Coast… She was the “Limo” that was decorated and drove us from the church to the reception when we got married. She saw the birth of both of my daughters. It broke my heart to sell her when our girls were 1 and 3, but Bobby insisted it wasn’t practical and we shouldn’t keep it to just put on the road a few months a year (he was sooo wrong!). She was definitely one of those Jeeps where what happens in the Jeep, stays in the Jeep!

Our lives took some crazy turns over the years. We had another son, then lost our second son at birth, then had a rainbow baby boy after that. Motherhood took over, homeschooling, just trying to survive. Summers came and went and I always longed for that damn Jeep! Thank God I know the awesome people that have had it and appreciated it like me, and the memories I am certain they too have had with her.

Five years ago, Bobby died. He had bought a nice truck about a year prior to his passing away. That first year, lots of things were thrown at me (as they still are!). About a year after he died, I was turning 40. I had definitely lost who I used to be. I lost her in babies and marriage stress and financial crap and worst of all cancer. It was time to find her again, to get her back. If anything, it was not only a gift I could give myself, but a gift Bobby had made possible for me by way of his truck and being able to sell it. I knew the best thing that I could do for myself, was to remind myself of who I have always been. Remind myself of what makes me smile, of the fun life always has to offer if you just look for it. I opened my eyes and looked. I got rid of that truck and bought myself the perfect 40th birthday present, a 2013 4 door sport. She is a cool shade of yellow and reminded me of when my brother owned a yellow Jeep. I named her Little Miss Mango and its written on her hood, along with an anchor “tattoo” I gave her. After all, like my blog title states, “I refuse to sink”. She is covered in fun stickers just like her sisters before her too. See, when you have a Jeep, you need to make it your own. You give it the style and the accessories. Each Jeep is unique because the owner shows its personality. Sometimes those personalities take time to build. Sometimes they just aren’t cheap!

I’ve got four kiddos now. The five of us have made sure she has seen some of the road as well. She has already been packed to the gills each year for our annual trip to Maine and she took the trek down to Hershey one year for a cheer comp. She took us to the Ben and Jerry’s factory two years ago and to Lake Champlain. My oldest three now fight over who gets to ride shotgun when the doors are off. They stick their feet out and love the wind. They’ve learned to keep a sweatshirt on hand and we always have a few blankets in the back. The six year old cracks us up by insisting his window be rolled up even when the top is off. They are learning things along the way, like don’t eat popcorn because it will blow away and it’s no use fighting and asking for Mom’s help because she won’t hear you over the radio! They know the Jeep code and respect it. They will always wave to you or, my personal favorite, shoot you a peace sign when we drive our Jeep past yours.

There is a peace inside of me when I drive her. There is a freedom when the top is off, when the doors are off. I can’t find that same feeling in any other place and I don’t want to. It isn’t for the high maintenance or anyone that doesn’t want their hair in a ponytail or a braid. It isn’t for anyone that cares if they get a little wet. It isn’t for anyone that cares if they can’t hear the person sitting next to them over the wind or the radio. It isn’t for someone who needs clean, dry carpets. I have known people who get a Jeep, complain about it, and get rid of it. It’s not for them. I know the people who get one when they’re younger, then need the “grown up car”. Those people are definitely missing the point. I’ve also met people (especially men) who will say to me, “Oh you are a chick on the Cape and drive a Jeep? Isn’t that every chick on the Cape?” There are people who get the Jeep for the “fun car” or for some kind of status or thinking a Jeep is just going to make them cooler for the summer. I’m not judging. But those people usually don’t “get it” the way the rest of us do.

Once you get that feeling…once you smile just because your vehicle is open to the elements and it feels amazing, once that gets in your blood and stays, then you “get it”. To all my fellow Jeep peeps, my hope is that, if anything, maybe getting lost in that feeling has somehow helped you to find yourself again too. Wave on my Jeep friends, wave on.

My husband, Bobby, passed away after a 7 month battle with stomach cancer on May 17th, 2015. Our 4 children were 1 1/2, 5, 8, and 9. Every year I write a letter to him and post it. I write this letter as a way to honor him and his memory, to remind others that there can always be faith, hope, and love in the toughest of situations (and that these WILL lift us up), and because love never dies. I also write these letters to honor the strength, resiliency, and perseverance in my children and in myself. So, here’s my letter and here’s to Bobby.

5 Years…

Dear Bobby,  I miss you.  We miss you.  That’s never going to change.  I know that.  That’s ok.  It just shows how blessed we were to have had you in our lives and how much you are still loved.  This has been one hell of an effing year. Holy crap! Joni started high school this past fall! I definitely prefer the worries of when they are younger to the worries of teenagers! She has had a great year though. She has made honor roll every quarter and gotten herself into the health careers program. She currently would like to become a pediatric surgeon of some sort. God bless her! I still hate hospitals! She played volleyball and basketball. She also made the lacrosse team, but the season was cancelled because of the Covid19 pandemic. It is so scary to know she needs more independence and to figure out the safe ways to give it to her. I hold on a little too tight maybe, but these kids are all I got. Someday they’ll understand. I am grateful for the friends that she has made this year. They are good kids with good families. I am most grateful that she maintains the connections from her St. Margaret’s years. These are families that I couldn’t live without! She is a great kid with a great heart, but it’s now mixed in with teenager stuff. She helps when she wants to or when I finally yell about it. She tells me I don’t understand anything. She also still wants me to tuck her in and sing to her and she still gives me random hugs. It’s all balance I guess. She is navigating being a high schooler and I am navigating parenting one. We will both screw up, I’m sure, but it’s been done before so I think we will be OK. You would be so excited watching her play sports. She really works so hard and has improved tremendously.

Hanna is 13 now. I am not qualified to raise one teenager, let alone two. Also, forgive me for all the times I curse you for leaving me here by myself with two teenage girls, but teenage girls suck! This year was also the first year for Hanna in a public school. There has been alot of getting used to things for her and we have had our struggles, but we are getting there. She worked hard as Chip in the school play Beauty and the Beast. Unfortunately, pandemic cancelled the performance which was just so hard to take after all that anticipation, excitement, and work. She has maintained good grades this year and also played field hockey last fall. She did awesome and I could imagine you screaming and cheering on the sidelines. She is so creative too. I love that about her. She comes up with some of the coolest ideas.

Brody is finishing up 4th grade. He is super nervous to go to a new school next year, a bigger school without his best friend. That part breaks my heart. I will do everything I can to keep them connected though. They have a friendship and bond that I’ve never seen before and I love it. He misses you every day and most days tells me. He misses someone to shoot on him when he puts on his street hockey goalie pads and rollerblades. He misses someone to pitch to him. He misses so much more than that too. I try. I always do. I’m not the same though and I know it. He is the sweetest and tells me often that he knows I’m trying and that he appreciates it and loves me. He also asks me when I could please get a boyfriend! Haha. I know boys need boys. That makes me love that he does have his best friend even more. Brody is definitely a jack of all trades. He gets straight A’s nearly all the time. He is sweet, respectful, and kind. He loves to play sports and reminds me of you in that he has started to memorize every sports fact in history! He loves football, hockey, basketball, and baseball. He is also great at fixing broken stuff and making things work around here and so helpful. Thank God! He is an amazing cook too. The list of foods he has made keeps growing. He makes his own bagels from scratch and also made a ricotta pie 2 weeks ago. I tell him, and all our kids, how proud I know you are of them. Thank God they are all great cooks!

Then there is our youngest baby. Maddox started kindergarten this year! He is as unique as they come. Each child is, I know. Maddox is absolutely crazy. His energy for everything is off the charts. He has become more independent this year in so many ways, but he still milks the fact that he is the youngest. He pretends he can’t do stuff when he is lazy and wants someone else to do it for him. Little stinker. He has made awesome friends at school. We are blessed for these friends and will work to keep these connections. St. Margaret’s will be closed now, so Maddox will be at public school too, and without any of his buddies. I hate this. I have every faith in the public schools, I think they are wonderful, and I know he will excel. But they were at a small school for a reason and thats what we all know and love, so this is a hard transition. No matter how upset it makes me, I smile and give them all the reassurances I can and point out the positives. Maddox says he is excited he won’t have to wear a uniform because it always gave him a wedgie and the playgrounds at the new school are awesome. It’s all about the recess when you’re six. He loves sports too and wants to do everything Brody does. He also loves to build forts and do anything that causes me to freak out. He says he wants to be a firefighter. I know when I finally go grey, he will be the reason. He misses you in a different way than the others. It sucks that he didn’t have much time with you at all. I tell him stories and we have pictures everywhere. But he knows it’s not fair. He wants a man around too. I swear he would marry me off tomorrow if he could, just to have a man to do “boy” stuff with!

All of the kids miss you. I know that. We all have a void. The girls don’t say much, but the boys tell me often. I try to date and meet men, but to be honest, I was spoiled in many ways. I don’t compare other men to you, but I know what made us compatible. I know what I was attracted to in you. Those wants aren’t going to change. I was spoiled in that you were a very attractive man and your personality made you even better. I was spoiled because you were funny and sarcastic and could take a joke. I was spoiled because you let me be me and do the quirky stuff I do and you would just shake your head and give me a kiss. I was spoiled and I haven’t found that yet again. I will. It’s harder now than 20 years ago when we met. Now I have kids that kind of pressure me to find a man dammit! Haha I also have so many other things on my plate too. Every year I grow my fitness career a little more and I’m proud of that. Working while raising 4 kids alone is a challenge, but little by little and day by day I make it work. I have also been working on things around the house and that to do list never ends. I have learned alot, no doubt. I think about you everyday. Lately, I gave thought to some things I’ll never forget. I remember the night we met at The Charlie Horse. You knew my friend and I knew yours. We randomly saw each other the next night at a different place too. Tell me that wasn’t fate. I remember being miserable one day on my couch with cramps and you bringing me swedish fish because I loved Swedish fish. I remember you running out every Sunday night to get Somerset Creamery for us while I put the kids to bed so we could eat it together in peace. I remember you questioning if I really needed to bring my medicine ball when we drove cross country and letting me bring it anyways. I didn’t use it once. I remember working out together at Bruce’s gym. We pushed each other to be faster, stronger, healthier. Man, that was sexy as hell! I remember when we were addicted to Storage Wars. We experienced so much in our 15 years together! Life is always a journey and we learn as we go. As I have lived these past 5 years without you here on earth with me, I have come to accept so many things. I have also made changes in ways that better our lives and make us happier. I am my worst critic, but when it comes down to it, I know that all I can do is my best. I have made awesome memories with the kids and I will continue to make more. Right now I can hear them fighting and tearing up the house. There are stages we all go through. I guess this is where I’m at right now. I am a tired mom, not as burnt out as I was a few months ago (thanks to the pandemic for slowing life down!), knowing I can take care of shit on my own, but not really wanting to, and living with the hope that there will always be good things to come. I am proud of us. God, the way I miss you sometimes does still takes my breath away.

Love you Bobby. Always. Xoxo

Right at the foot of the Bourne Bridge, in a little place called Buzzards Bay, lies what many of us refer to as “a hidden gem”. We are not referring to the great bike path at the canal or the cool campground or even the best little smoothie bar. Nope, not even close. We are speaking of a school, but not just any school. This “gem” is St. Margaret’s Regional/Primary School. It’s set back right there behind the church on Main Street. It doesn’t look like much really from the outside, but appearances can be deceiving. I have known this place as SMRS for too long now, so this is how I will shorten it for writings sake. SMRS is not just a school, not to me or to my children, not to any of the teachers, staff, and families that are a part or ever have been a part of this place. SMRS is a family. Once you are a part of it, this family never leaves you.

Let me back this up just a bit to how we came upon joining the SMRS family. I homeschooled my children for 7 years. I have 4 of them. Five years ago their dad, my husband, passed away. The following year I knew I now wore too many hats to keep homeschooling 4 children, work, and maintain a household. It was difficult to make this decision and I wanted to find a place where my children would transition well without being lost in a large setting. We looked at a few places, but stopped looking the day we toured St. Margaret’s. There was an instant feeling here of belonging, support, acceptance, love. There was nothing fake or overwhelming about it either. It was just a natural thing that seemed to come from every person with whom we spoke. My girls left there so excited. The following year they entered in grades 4th and 6th. A year later my older son would start there and, a year after that, my youngest started preschool at SMRS. Throughout the years we have personally had ups and downs within our own family. SMRS has been there for us every step of the way. Other friends have had hardships. We have collectively as a school family been there to help. Two years ago, our middle school was closed by the diocese. It was very abrupt and caused us all much sadness and disappointment, and some anger as well. Being a regional school, it makes it harder for our children to be in other schools in the same town. The good thing about being a family, however, is that the love doesn’t end. The friendships have continued and will continue. We are bonded.

Currently, our school has been a prek through grade 4 experience. We have been blessed with amazing teachers and staff. They have cared for our children as their own. We have laughed together and cried together. We have also fought as families do. In the end, we all want what is best for our children. Today we received news. There are not enough adjectives, enough words, to describe this news. Sad, disappointing, angering are a few. What has remained of our little gem of a school is being closed at the end of this school year forever. Done. No more St. Margaret’s Regional/Primary School. No more gem at the foot of the bridge. The diocese has decided they cannot fund our school family any longer. What they don’t know is that we will NEVER stop being a FAMILY. We don’t need a building. We don’t need permission to love one another. We are the SMRS family and that will NEVER leave us. As we have been loving and fighting as families do, now we are coming together. We have been hit. We have been hit hard. We are grieving. All of us. If there is one thing loss has taught me (and there is far more than 1 thing) its that everyone grieves differently. We all have our own way of dealing with this loss. It is a huge loss. If you haven’t been a part of it, then you won’t truly understand, but that’s OK. We don’t need you to understand. Just respect that we are grieving. To my fellow SMRS family, I love you. We are a force to be reckoned with. We are faithful. We know God is in charge. We know God’s love because we have seen it in each other and, especially, in our children. To our teachers, you have changed my family and all of the other ones that God blessed you to touch. You have taught our children that adults other than their parents truly care about them and welcome them unconditionally. You have gone beyond what you have learned in school. You have taught with your heads and your hearts. You have sat with me before my children started there to learn about Joni’s autoimmune disease and you were willing to listen and learn and care for her if I wasn’t there to do so myself. When we lost my dad, my kids Pubby, you helped hold my kids and I together. You listened to me and let me cry. You understood the anxiety Hanna had leaving me to be in school. When Brody had a tough time starting school, you had open arms, warm hearts, and plenty of fun things to make him happy and to make him thrive! When Maddox entered school still behind in his speech, you never treated him differently. In fact, you worked with me and learned what you could do to help him. When I have been a scatter-brain (almost always!) staff and teachers have been understanding and have joked with me and made me feel like maybe I’m not really a hot mess, but just have a lot to think about. You have ALL just gone above and beyond.

To our families, some of you I know well and some I don’t. That doesn’t matter. I am here for you. You as a whole have carried me when I have been weak. I am here now and always if you need to be carried. WE ARE NOT ONLY FAMILY, WE ARE FRIENDS. You have my back and I have yours. SMRS runs in our blood. And it runs strong. We have been on a journey together and I say this is NOT the end. The doors can close, but we do not need a building to love and cherish each other and each others children. As the teachers and staff have treated my children as their own, many of you have as well. I love your children too. I cannot imagine our lives without you in it. And so I will not. We may live in different towns. Next year, our kids may be at different schools. We have learned through our current pandemic that a slower life is a blessing. I urge you, do not get too busy to keep these bonds and continue to nurture them. I will not be too busy for a playdate or drinks or a phone call from any of you. This goes for my amazing teacher friends at SMRS too. I want to sit on the beach with you. I want to see you for dinner. I want my kids to know that you didn’t go away. That you still are family. That you still love them. They will always love you. So will I!

God brought us together. He had a reason. Each of us was brought to St. Margaret’s under one of His brilliant plans. Whether you were brought there to teach, to volunteer, to learn, or to give your children a stellar education, it has ALL been part of God’s plan. There are so many parts of this horrible news today that can make us angry. That is all OK. As I have said, we all grieve in different ways. No judgment. As we move forward, as God is clearly commanding us to do, let’s hold one another tight in our hearts. Let us remember the blessing that is St. Margaret’s. Let us remember that like God’s love for each of us, the love that SMRS created runs through our veins and always will. We will all move forward, even with heavy hearts, through this loss, through this grief. We will move forward. We will do it with love for one another. We will do it as a family should. And, in the next chapter, we will still hold each other in our hearts and be a part of each other’s lives.

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” Mark 10:9

For a while now, I believe I have heard many people say something along the lines of, “the world has just become out of control these days”. I agree in many ways. On a personal level, it has been nearly impossible for me to keep up with everything I am supposed to do and want to do. I have spent much time contemplating how to slow life down. I want to stop and enjoy my children. I want to reconnect with friends. We are always “so busy”. There is never a good time. I’ll get to it next week. We can make plans to see each other once every few months. All of that is bullshit and not the way I want to live my life. People are important. Friends and family and strangers too, are the most important part of our lives. Human connection. Time to connect with others and to reflect on who we are as well. Time to connect with nature. Time to slow down.

Having a virus that pretty much shuts down life as we know it across the globe is a blessing in disguise. Listen, people dying is not a blessing. My own father who had underlying conditions died after developing pneumonia two years ago. I get it. I also have a daughter who is immunocompromised. We are used to washing our hands and many other precautions to keep her safe. So I get it. I pray for the families who have lost loved ones. But I also pray for the families who have lost their loved ones to cancer, car accidents, the flu, and any other way at all. Losing people sucks. Period.

But, here’s the thing. Here is where my faith comes in, my thinking beyond the current situation, the bigger picture. This is where you might want to stop reading if talk of God and faith bothers you or isn’t your thing. Because, guys, I believe and I believe BIG TIME in God. My faith is strong and I believe that is a blessing in and of itself!

I have spent months praying to God for life to somehow slow down and give me time to clean and organize things at home and, mostly, to be able to stop and relax with my kids. I got it. We all got it. We all needed it too! Just because we live under one roof doesn’t mean we are connected. We connect through family dinners, conversations, and snuggles. We connect through going through old pictures and telling and retelling stories. We connect through crying about missing dad and laughing about when he had diarrhea on the side of the road. My children connect with my deceased parents through pictures and stories and I smile as I know I am bringing generations together in our own way. The dog reminds us how nice it is when her head is on our laps and just how much she enjoys playing catch. Saying, “Sorry, but I’m too busy. You’ll have to wait” doesn’t exist. Attention is given and absorbed and appreciated!

We have the internet. How amazing of a tool is this? We can take time to facetime or skype or video chat in whatever way to connect with friends around the globe that we never get to chat with because of working and time differences and schedules! We can still get our time in to exercise and do it with live classes. We can take the time to go for a walk and enjoy things we don’t usually notice. We can look up recipes and bake and share goodies. We can use the internet to watch a Broadway play we might not have ever seen. We can decide to learn something new, take a course, learn a language and even do it together with our family.

Guys, the sky is clearer! God said, “You humans are out of control. I will fix this”. And He did! Air pollution has dramatically decreased. In places where there was only smog, there are now beautiful, blue skies! People who have had breathing problems will be noticing this difference as time goes on. Everyone will notice this difference! Water is cleaner. Spring is here and we will see it in more gorgeous ways than we could have imagined! The lens on our camera has been wiped clean. Our pictures will be crisp and new!

People are good, so so good. They always have been. We are seeing people come together. They are singing to each other from balconies across streets or through internet videos. We are checking on our neighbors like we should have done all along. We are encouraging each other. We are making each other laugh through some of the best, craziest memes I have ever seen. Companies are donating food and supplies. Many places are still doing what they can to pay employees. People are realizing how important small businesses are to our communities. Due to having to stop and be at home, many people are now sewing masks for hospitals and getting creative in other ways. I believe that people are learning about themselves and many will change careers or begin new adventures after this time to reflect.

We have amazing people fighting for us and going to work every single day to keep the world running and to make it healthy again. Healthcare workers, truck drivers, postal workers, firefighters, emts, paramedics, police officers, grocery store employees, and the list goes on. Many are working from home as well that are essential to the world running.

Teachers have scrambled and learned to teach online and change lessons in just a matter of days as schools closed around the globe. I am grateful to them. I know they care about my children. I’m hopeful that they will try and be easy on themselves and on parents. God is giving a new opportunity for our children to learn. God sees a world of people who know books, but not life. Parents working cannot oversee a child in their online courses. That is too much on their plate. Parents home are never lacking for something to do either. Taking this time as a break, for bonding instead of arguing over schoolwork, for learning life skills, and for connecting with families is a gift from God. I am hopeful that teachers and administrators will see and appreciate this as much as we as parents appreciate all they do every single day all year long to help our children.

So I say God has given us a gift. He has blessed us in disguise. He has changed the world. It needed to happen. We were killing ourselves and each other in far worse ways than this virus. God has made us stronger and smarter. God always has blessings. They are abundant.

We will get through this. We will do it together. I won’t say life will soon be back to “normal”. It won’t ever be the same, nor should we want it to be! Let’s embrace a new normal. Let’s keep checking on our neighbors, let’s hug more, let’s stop multitasking and, instead, enjoy one thing at a time being in that moment! Let’s make sure we shop local businesses. Take time to chat with others. Stop being in a rush. Schedule less so that you can do less and enjoy each thing more! Continue to read more books. Look at your children when they are talking to you. Stop and pay attention. See your old friends more than once or twice a year. Facetime more. Call more. Just to say hi.

We are all human. We are all doing our best. What is it that we should be doing our best at though? Let us all remember to be kind and enjoy the gifts around us every single day. And let each of us look in our hearts and always remember to keep our human connections and to take care of one another the way God takes care of each of us.

Nothing is ever forever. Good times and bad times will inevitably both change. You lose nothing when you focus on the good. So here are my top 10 good things about the covid-19 quarantine.

1. I don’t have to wear a bra if I don’t wanna.

2. My clothes never have to match.

3. Day drinking has become perfectly acceptable. (Yeah I wouldn’t have judged you before anyways.)

4. I have saved shitloads of money on gas from not driving my 4 kids every effing place on the globe every single day after school.

5. I have time to clean my house. I know this seems sketchy, but, hey, it’s a good thing.

6. I don’t know what day it is and I don’t care

7. I have never seen so many hilarious memes while everyone is home on their phones sending them. I love memes!

8. I don’t care what time we all go to bed and everyone is less grouchy cause they slept in!

9. Watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding and Sweet Home Alabama over and over again.

10. Online dating has never been so interesting!

Whatever is making you happy right now, concentrate on that. I’m going to finish making dinner and feeding my hungry kids. Then we will play games and watch more movies and snuggle. That is a gift from God, my friends! Embrace the positive, wash your hands, and share the effing toilet paper!

4.

My sons class have been doing state projects this year. He absolutely loves researching the states and listening to my stories from the places I’ve been. I have told him about how he had been to the place that invented the hamburger, Louie’s Lunch in Connecticut, when he was about 2. We also talk about how, at the age of 10, he and his siblings have already been to 28 of the 50 states and how each one holds something different to discover.

I visited his class to volunteer and help with the state projects. I myself, having been to 42 of them, was eager to share some fun stories with the kids about each of the states they had chosen to learn more about. This started me thinking about all of the special memories I have from my travels and how important it is to see new places and meet new people. I discovered my love of a good road trip early on with parents that were always up for taking us on an adventure. I learned through traveling with Up With People in 1996 that the best education comes from experience and that you can never learn more than when you’re out of your comfort zone. My cross country road trips with my husband, husband and kids, and then just me and the kids taught me even more about the importance of sticking together as a family. This rings true during tough situations in your own backyard, as well as when you’re in a new place only relying on one another. I still have 8 states to see and so many countries as well. My love for travel and adventure will continue, but so many adventures have already made me who I am today. Here are just a few of the special memories, experiences, and lessons that I have collected from some of the states that I have been fortunate enough to visit.

Colorado: This state is the first one I had ever visited on my own, without my family. It was the beginning of my time as a cast member of Up With People. It was here that I would learn about being homesick. It was here that I would learn that language barriers are nothing to new friends. Denver’s weather taught me to always be ready for anything. Four seasons can absolutely happen in one day there! I also learned that as beautiful as the mountains are, I am an ocean girl. That salt water is in my soul and it always has been.

West Virginia: My experience here always sticks out in my mind. I was 19 years old and doing community service in an elementary school. My eyes were opened when I saw racism firsthand. I had grown up with friends that were caucasian, African American, Asian, Puerto Rican, Cape Verdean and never thought twice about it. I was blessed to live in a community that welcomed everyone. I was fortunate to have learned about racism in history books, but not the playground. Then, flash forward, and here I am in 1996 doing community service with people from several different countries and states, speaking many different languages, and having plenty of various skin tones. There is ONE little white girl here in this class. The other kids were all African American and all bullying her, leaving her out, making fun of what she could or couldn’t do. It was one of those moments when confusion sets in and you don’t know any other way to react, but to remind ALL of the children that we need to get along and that skin color NEVER matters. I was never on the receiving end of racism and I know I am lucky for that. I know even today that it is hard to not be white in this country. I personally think it’s disgusting. There is a song from Up With People, my favorite one they have ever sung. It is called, “What Color is God’s Skin”? I know it by heart. “I said it’s black, brown, it’s yellow, it’s red, it is white. Everyone’s the same in the good Lord’s sight.” Please remember that whether you are black, brown, yellow, red, white, or even purple, it is always ok to be kind and never ok not to be.

Missouri: The best thing that ever happened to me in Missouri was meeting my host family in St. Louis. We were housed when we traveled with UWP in host families. This, by far, was my favorite one. Opening your home to someone, especially a complete stranger, is a gesture that shows a big heart. The Kennedys opened their home and made a spot where they have forever stayed in my heart. Keeping in touch with yearly Christmas cards was nice. Then Facebook changed my world for the better by giving me an easier connection. My husband and I made sure to stop and be “hosted” again when we drove cross country in 2001. I was thrilled when I finally got them up to Cape Cod and a day on the beach. When I think of my time spent in St. Louis, I think of the arch I was too scared to ride up in, the riverboat gambling, and these friends that will always be a part of my life.

New Mexico: I learned quite a bit about the Mormon religion in New Mexico. I may not choose this for myself, but I respect the heart and kindness given to me by a very good friend at the time who was Mormon and her family. Again, an eye opener and another reason to not judge based on media or stories we hear, but to be open to learning about people different than yourself.

Nevada: Here I learned that telling me that, “It’s not so bad if its 120 degrees in the desert because it’s a dry heat” is just bullshit. It’s still hot as hell and uncomfortable and sucks. Best off inside a casino for sure.

Kansas: Bobby and I did a trek across Kansas. The sun was out that day, no rain. Yet it almost seemed like hail or something was hitting the windshield at a rapid rate. We kept having to clean the windshield and use the wipers to see. After a while, we stopped at a Subway for lunch. We went inside and ate. When we came outside and saw the front of the Jeep, it was covered in dead pieces of monarch butterflies! It was so gross to see! I had a problem for a few years after that, thinking butterflies were pretty! I will always remember it “raining butterflies” in Kansas.

Georgia: I have two great memories here. In 1996, I was lucky enough to be at the Olympics in Atlanta. Atlanta was cool, but the feeling surrounding an Olympic Games is amazing. I was part of an Up With People cast that performed at a special opening ceremonies they had specifically for introducing softball as an Olympic sport for the first time. Not THE opening ceremonies, but still super cool. Years later, my kids and I fell in love with Savannah. The gorgeous city is filled with the coolest ghost stories, eclectic restaurants, beautiful scenery, and, of course, it was the first time I visited a place where I could walk down the street drinking an alcoholic beverage! Oh, and also people are way nicer in the South. It’s a fact. Not that we think we are rude up here, but you can see a difference as you drive south or west out of the Northeast.

Louisiana: We wanted to check New Orleans off the bucket list. So, one day, we decided to drive from Mobile, Alabama over to see the city. We had no idea that the traffic easily rivaled New York City. FOUR HOURS. That’s how long the drive took. The bumper to bumper traffic was definitely not my style, especially not with 4 kids, including a 3 year old that needed to pee! My older son had previously helped his brother pee in a bottle before, only to get his hand peed on. So, this time, the younger of my two daughters volunteered to help. She got a cup for him to pee in and helped him maneuver around his seatbelt to get his little wee wee out. As she was trying to aim it into the bottle, I heard the screaming. “HE JUST PEED ALL OVER MY SHIRT AND MY FACE! ITS IN MY EYE!!!!” This was definitely NOT funny to her, but holy crap did the rest of us laugh! I’ll never forget that ride and I am sure she won’t either!

Vermont: Ben and Jerry’s and a marathon. This is where I ran my very first marathon. Memorial Day weekend 2002 I ran the Vermont City Marathon in Burlington, VT. I did it with my husband and my awesome cousin. We raised $12,000 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society 5 months after my mom had lost her fight with AML. It was a gorgeous course and a very emotional run. It was one of the best things I have ever done and one of the most beautiful races I have ever run. A few years ago, I went back up to VT. I took my kids this time and surprised them with a little road trip. We had a blast! Lake Champlain was breathtaking, although cold to swim in and the Ben and Jerry’s tour and free ice cream was definitely a hit for us all!

Maine: I had never really grown up going to Maine, since we always spent the summers on the Cape or went south. I didn’t grow up skiing either. For a few years before my husband died, we would see friends on social media posting their pictures from Point Sebago Resort up in Casco. It looked like so much fun, a modern day “Dirty Dancing” type vacation. I was far more into travelling and planning new adventures than Bobby, so we never got up there. Then he died in May of 2015. I decided that this was going to be the summer. I called and booked a cabin. I packed up a weeks worth of everything I could think we would need and drove up for our inaugural visit. That was 5 years ago. This summer we will have our 6th trip up there. We all fell in love. I found that I was relieved in a sense that we had never taken the trip when Bobby was alive. It might be strange for someone else to understand, but it gave my children and I a chance to make new memories. We always remember him in the things we do and the places we go. Up there though, it’s different. We don’t have to also carry an air of sadness remembering the time we did something there with him. This is also a place where all of my kids can do their own thing and be happy while I actually sit on the beach and read a book. It truly has become the one week a year that I really do relax!

I have far more memories than I have been able to relay in just a blog post. Many more places I have seen and people that I have met. Traveling is the best education I have ever received and given to my children. The lessons and memories are always so unique and irreplaceable. I will conclude with just one more state…

Massachusetts: Well, this is where I have been born and bred. I love seeing new places, but there really is nothing like coming home. This is where my life has always been anchored. Through the losses and the gains, the friends and the family, the loved ones lost and the loved ones born, to our history, our sarcasm (Proud to be a Masshole), our foliage, and the sunsets over the ocean, this is home. As the saying goes, there’s no place like it!

When I met my husband, I was dating another man at the time.  It wasn’t anything serious.  It was reasonable to date and still have male friends.  I think I may have been oblivious, to be honest.  I was always quite naive.   I was being honest when I told Bobby (my future husband) that he should come over and be my guinea pig, tasting the food that I wanted to cook for the guy I was dating!  I was really, really naive…  He drove the hour to see me and I made us dinner.  It was delicious, he told me.  We watched the movie that was both of our favorite.  We sat on the couch and he told me how great he was at belly button kisses and I was still oblivious to him possibly liking me.  After the movie, I innocently told him he could sleep in my room if he wanted.  He followed me upstairs and I pointed to one twin bed telling him it was mine, but that he was welcome to sleep in the other twin bed on the other side of the room.  Oh, looking back…I was REALLY NAIVE.  He slept over in the other twin bed.  The next day we golfed 9 holes.  I was having a blast.  I never thought twice. I was just having fun.  That second night together, we went to see a local band.  I remember dancing and having a great time.  On the way home, we stopped at the beach.  We got out and went onto the sand and I sat down.  He sat behind me.  That was the first time my heart went in my throat and it dawned on me that it was possible he was not looking at the last 2 days as two new friends just hanging out.  When he kissed me, I remember I said, “Please don’t do that unless you really mean it.” He kissed me again.  Two years later, that was the same place where he proposed to me. 

Five years ago, after Bobby died, I was left with a whirlwind of emotions and responsibilities. After that first 8 or 9 months, I decided that I needed to get out of the house and be social. Raising four kids was consuming me. I didn’t want something crazy with a man, just a chance to get a break from my kids and enjoy adult conversations. Being social, for me, is self care. I met a few really great guys, some whom I am happy I can call my friends now. I also met some men with…um…questionable morals. Being naive made me think that because I was honest and kind, everyone else should be too! Like most life lessons, that wasn’t an easy one to learn. I have had some fun dating and love meeting new people, but I have also noticed patterns in people and in myself, as well as learning to never be surprised by behaviors. People always keep life interesting.

When I set out to write about men, women, dating, relationships, etc, I did not want to write from a soap box. I am not a relationship expert in the least! I have learned SO MUCH, but hopefully we all have. I have my opinions for sure, but I also notice they continue to be challenged. So, instead of preaching my own opinion on the matter, I chose to do a little “research”. I asked just over 50 people the same question. I tried to make sure I had a broad demographic range. The people polled ranged in age from 20 to 70+, varied in marital status, sexual orientation, and gender. There are also variations on past relationship history and current relationship history. The question I asked stemmed in all honesty from a frustration with dating in general and a true desire to learn what might lead to “success”. These people were asked, “What do YOU believe is the most important quality to have to make a relationship successful? And, do you believe that you exhibit this quality?”

After asking, getting answers, and having a few really good conversations, I made a spreadsheet. Here is what I found. Among single individuals, whether they have never been married or are divorced and whether they currently have a partner or not, the most common answers were “communication” and “honesty”. The age range for these answers didn’t seem to matter. Among people who were married, claimed they had overall wonderful relationships, and also especially with people in longer marriages, the answers were more surprising. These people listed compatibility, humor, knowing you are equal partners, teamwork, staying true to who you are and being with someone who appreciates that, and knowing how to let go of the little things.

I have thought about this quite a bit and had conversations with others about these “results” as well. The people who have made it work for years are much more specific in their answers. I am guessing, perhaps, when their relationships first began that maybe the answers would be different, but I am thinking we single folk should learn from them. They are successful because they are forgiving and flexible. They each have humility when it is warranted. They know who they are as a person and as they have grown into that person, their partner has done the same for themselves and both appreciate the other and their journey. They have things in common, compatibility, hobbies and adventures they have shared and will continue to share and create memories. They have humor! They are able to laugh at themselves and each other and let go of what really doesn’t matter!

Now all of this makes perfect sense to me, but let’s go back to our other answers from my fellow singles. Let’s start with communication. What does that mean? Think of your definition. Do you believe that everyone would agree with you? Is your definition general or specific? Would your way of communicating ensure that a partner would understand your feelings, your wants, and your needs? We are all so different. We have had different role models growing up. Our role models, in general, teach us how to behave in our relationships based on theirs. Now, there are definitely times when this is not true. Some I know have sworn that they will not repeat what they grew up seeing. However, that then takes tremendous courage, to change an upbringing. Society also shows us various ways relationships can work or not work. Communication is a very broad term. How you express yourself and how your partner expresses themselves may be so different. This makes understanding each other impossible, unless both partners are willing to put in the work for change. How many of us are stubborn? How many of us just assume that if the other person doesn’t “get” us, it’s their fault? How many people think they are effectively communicating, but don’t realize that their way is simply not understood by the other person? I know I am guilty of this. I admit it. I believe I have learned to communicate much more effectively over the past 5 or so years than I ever have before having to date again. I also know that I have thought I was communicating effectively, yet the other person truly did not “get it”. I have been quick to run, when maybe a better response would be a conversation and an effort to try to change how I communicate so my partner could better understand me and my needs. Plenty of “matches” out there just aren’t meant to be for one reason or another, and communication might still lead two people to realize they aren’t compatible or meant for each other, but it also can’t hurt to try. Of course, the only success, I believe, would come from an effort from BOTH partners. Remember, we are not out to lose ourselves, only to try for that teamwork for the betterment of the relationship at stake.

Ok, now let’s take that other popular answer among our singles. Honesty. I would guess that the relationships with longevity have been that way because both partners are honest with themselves and one another. I would also guess that they did not list this as most important because it’s a given, or should be. Who is raised to lie, after all? Honesty is a quality we are all taught to possess from a very young age. We are usually punished if we lie. As we get older, we realize there is a very yucky feeling (or should be!) inside of us if we lie. Those who know me, know that I am an honest person. I tend to be “too honest” if that’s a thing. I cannot be fake to save my life. If you ask me my opinion on your shoes or your make up, or your life choices, I will tell it to you whether you like it or not. We live in a society where not everyone wants the truth. The truth can certainly hurt. That’s a fact. The truth also stops a number of hurts from ever occurring! Being honest with someone shows respect, helps you to be trusted, and enhances that tricky thing we call “communication”! People who answered “honesty” as the most important quality for them, in most cases, had been lied to. It hurt them. Perhaps honesty would have hurt them as well, especially if cheating was involved, but, in the longterm, the honesty will always be the better option.

I am not going to lie, hearing answers and having these conversations has opened my eyes to my own past behaviors, as well as the men I have been involved with along the way. I am only responsible for my own behavior. They are responsible for theirs. You are responsible for yours. However, I see where more conversations and less throwing in the towel could be far more effective and less hurtful.

Sometimes I wonder what Bobby would say to all of this. Sometimes I just wish I could have him back and not have to go through the crazy dating rollercoaster. That’s not the case though. He told me to make sure I found a good one because I am young and still have fun to be had and deserve to have someone by my side. I agree with him. Some people are perfectly content to go about their business alone. I like my alone time too. I’m also raising 4 kids alone and that takes up a lot of my time and energy. Mostly, I am working on being me and staying true to that. I have goals, personal and professional, and I intend to crush them, create new goals, and never stop learning and growing. This makes me whole. Nobody will ever complete me. I’m doing that for myself. The goal is for a partner, an equal. It exists, for us all. I am not quite sure what you will do with this information. I can tell you for certain, don’t sell yourself short. Don’t settle. Don’t be stubborn. Be open and willing to bend a little and let go of what doesn’t matter, in the pursuit of what truly does. And, if you happen to be like me, and you’ve lost your best friend who you were lucky enough to be truly and madly in love with, then stand with me in knowing that lightning does strike twice. It will all happen again. In fact, we may never even see it coming and maybe that’s the best way.

Have you ever walked into one of those houses where everything is neat? Perhaps your own house is neat and clean and tidy. There is no clutter. The floors sparkle. There are no cobwebs on the ceilings in those hard to reach corners. The couch looks new. There are no water bottles half empty on the table. The toys are all in bins, maybe even with all the pieces. There are no dishes in the sink, no clothes in the washer starting to smell because they still haven’t been put into the dryer. There are no curious and unknown sticky liquids inside the bottom of the refrigerator. Shoes are only on the mat by the door. Coats are hung up in the hallway. There is not even little boy pee on the toilet seat. I have seen these houses. I have had playdates in these houses. I have gone to parties in these houses. My house is not one of them. If your house is neat and clean and tidy, I am truly happy for you. I just have no idea how you do it. Do you have children? Does your spouse/mom/dad/etc. help you? Are your children older and moved out? Can you afford a cleaning service? I dream of my house someday being one of these dust bunny free spaces. I try hard to achieve it. But, for now, we do messy.

I have four kids. I am a single mom. I would like to think that I am rocking this gig just based on the fact that my children are fed and clothed and have wifi. However, things are messy. The house is messy. We have stuff. No matter how much I seem to throw away, it seems like it just keeps coming out of no where. We have busy, messy lives. This leaves me minimal time for cleaning. Speaking of messy lives… We do not do anything seamlessly. There is nothing graceful about our messy life. We lay out everything for school the night before, but inevitably the morning is rushed. We oversleep or someone can’t find breakfast or their shoes or both. We do screaming and hurrying and oh-so-messy to get out the door for school and work. I take the back roads to try to make it faster and avoid traffic while we check the clock. Then I drop the high schooler off with just enough time for her to fly to class and not be marked late. We finish doing drop offs and I get my messy ‘have a good day’ kisses and get back in the very messy car. Yes, the car… I get in other vehicles sometimes and they are so clean. It’s like a witch must own it. There is nothing sticky in the door handle. There is no moldy food stuck to the floor in the backseat. There are no empty water bottles that fall out when they open the door. A witch…my only explanation. I drive to work in my messy car and tell myself I really need a trash bag and 5 minutes to clean this up. I work at 3 different gyms. Also, those 4 kids I have, yeah they go to 3 different schools in 2 different towns. So I drive and drive and drive (in my messy car). I get home sometimes with time to shower or eat lunch before I need to start to pick everyone up in the afternoon. As I look for lunch, I realize I haven’t gotten groceries in a while. I figure out what to eat, but it is a messy process. I shower as fast as I can, thinking that maybe it will give me time to clean something. It rarely does. After school is as messy as it can get. Pick one up at 2:20, next one at 4, then onto the 3rd. They get in the messy car and head to our messy house. I yell about not leaving backpacks right in front of the doorway. I ask them to please not be so messy. It doesn’t matter. I walk in and trip over shoes that could have just as easily gone on the shoe mat as they did in the middle of the kitchen. They’re hungry and want a snack even though I’m going to start supper. Oh and I should mention the microwave broke! Try living without a microwave with 4 kiddos. Two words: pioneer days. I listen to their stories about the day they have had. They all talk at once. Its very messy. Then they fight. Again. And again. And again. Sometimes I wish I could just tie them together and hose them down. Would still be messy, just more fun, at least for me. We figure out dinner. I get the boys showered, uniforms laid out, lunch boxes packed. I start to put food away from dinner and clean up when I get the text from my oldest (but not messiest) child. She is on her way back from the away game and needs me to go pick her up. By now I have changed my clothes and shouldn’t be allowed anywhere, but Walmart. Out the door I go again! About 45 minutes later I am back home. I tuck the rest of the crew in, stare at the dishes (which I hate!) and walk upstairs. They’ll be there tomorrow. They always are!

It’s not just the day to day that’s messy. Our normal outings or adventures always look chaotic and crazy to outsiders. After all, it is again quite messy, but it’s how we do it and it works. Take, for example, when we go to the movies. My only saving grace is being able to get the tickets and seats ahead of time online. This way, when we are late, we don’t miss as much or, hopefully, just the previews. There is one large popcorn and small plastic cups. Each person gets their own cup that I fill for them and pass down. Pretty much I spend movies filling cups of popcorn until they slow down. Don’t ask me what happened at the beginning of a movie, but I do love that, after I finally decompress, I always see the end! I do love the movies. It is usually the one place where eventually, after everyone gets their popcorn, candy, and drinks, they are all calm and interested and I can sit and relax.

A strong family should always make sure they communicate with each other. We are absolutely a strong family and we definitely communicate. It is almost always messy. There is problem solving (one kid stealing the remote for a turn). There is mediating (she said this, he did that). There is taking responsibility (I saw HER do it Mommy!). There is decision making (I don’t want THAT for dinner). There is yelling to get a point across. Eventually, there is calm, forgiveness, and peace on earth (for 5 minutes).

I would like to think that, at some point, every one of us has had a “messy” life. I wasn’t always like this, after all. I’m in the trenches. This is survival. This is how it’s getting done for this chapter of MY book of life. It works for us. It may sound all bad, but it’s really not. There are pluses to this messy chapter. After all, I would never trade in those wonderfully, sloppy, messy little boy kisses that I get over and over again.

I remember the day clearly. It was eighteen years ago, but still it’s all burned into my memories like it was yesterday. I remember my dad needing his pills and all of us being so tired, but just not wanting to leave her side. She knew that too. Moms and their kids, that’s special stuff right there. I remember the ICU nurse telling me that I needed to do whatever it was that would make me feel best, since these are moments we never get back. I finally decided that since nobody would leave without me, I would go home so we could all get some sleep. The next day, we woke up and drove straight back to Boston. We walked into the ICU at 11:59am. The nurses grabbed us to come in right away because she was passing. We went and prayed over my mom as she passed away at noon on December 23, 2001. She had battled leukemia for just 3 short months. It was a whirlwind. I remember my aunt telling me her clock was blinking noon when she walked in the bedroom, but only that clock and she hadn’t lost power. She knew that was my mom’s sign to her that she had passed. They were very close sisters.

The days that followed were so strange. It was surreal. How could my mom be gone? She was 62. I was 25. That just isn’t fair. Thank God for friends. They were there, supporting me and my family with whatever we needed. Most of the time I didn’t even know what it was I needed.

It’s a really hard thing, to lose someone so close to you.  It’s impossible to reason or to even have a healthy perspective.  That takes time.  I didn’t like that it took time. I wanted to be ok right away.  But I wasn’t.  Not even close.  I didn’t give up. I never do. I had two great parents that showed me giving up is never an option. It’s all how you move forward. I got married without my mom and had kids without my mom. I am so grateful that she is inside of me in so many ways. I am also grateful for the women who stepped up to help me when I had no clue and no direction.

It’s funny. I am ok now. I still miss her like hell, but I’m ok. I wonder how it would have been if she were still alive. She always wanted grandchildren. I know that I would not have to leave my kids alone as much. My house would be neater. I would probably be able to cook less too, even though I love it. I wonder if I would be a different mom though. Our experiences shape who we become and change us along the way, whether we like it or not. Perhaps I would not be as protective. Perhaps I would not have started some of the traditions I now have with my children. I wonder how they would be different with her as a grandmother. I wonder if we would butt heads and fight.

I don’t wonder if she would be proud. I’m a mom. We know we are always proud of our children as long as they’re doing their best. I am definitely doing my best. I am grateful for my mom. I am grateful for her sweet bread, her chicken and rice, her shepard’s pie. I am grateful for her silliness and her love of “a little something sweet” that I too possess. I am grateful I got her legs and her smile. I am grateful I look at the world as a good place, people as good, that I always want to help, and that the glass is full. I am grateful that I can pass a healthy outlook on life and our place in this world down to my children. I am grateful that, although I miss both of my parents dearly, I know they had a rare love and are together celebrating it now.

I miss that crazy, funny, and sometimes Irish-tempered lady (yup, inherited that too). I am grateful for all the memories and to be able to share them with my own crazy, funny, and, yes, also sometimes Irish-tempered kids.

Thanks Mom. For it all.❤

Fall and pumpkin bread are synonymous in my house. I don’t mean just any pumpkin bread. I mean my mom’s pumpkin bread. Every year, by August, my kids are asking when I’m going to make Grandma Joan’s famous pumpkin bread again!? I like to wait until it feels like fall is in the air, until leaves start to become orange and red and yellow. Last week, I checked and had all my ingredients in the house. I announced that I would be making it…and the crowd went wild. It was a school night, but everyone needed to stay up to have some. Pumpkin bread is allowed to break the rules.

It makes me think about being a kid. When my mom would bake it, my brother Mike and I would sit outside the oven door on the kitchen floor and just stare at it, waiting. As soon as it came out of the oven, we would start begging her for a piece. She insisted it needed to cool for at least 10 minutes to even cut it and that if we ate it while it was too hot, we would get a belly ache. She was talking to the two kids that could easily finish off an entire box of devil dogs she had just bought before the rest of the groceries had even been put away. Deaf ears, but good try Ma. If you’ve known me long enough, then you have probably been lucky enough to know why we obsessed about it back then and why my kids still obsess about it today. Mike and I would usually eat an entire loaf if she let us.

I know I am similar to most, when I say that food stirs up memories. It takes me into a home movie that’s been safely tucked back into my brain. Creating the smells and tastes that my mother created before me is like looking through a photo album. I see the faces and remember the stories. I couldn’t love that more! My favorite part of cooking and baking is what I’m giving to my children. It’s more than food. It’s a connection for them, to me and to where they come from. I grew up in a home where food brought people together and was shared and enjoyed. It’s in my blood to continue to celebrate all it gives.

My mom’s pumpkin bread and the memory it gives me with my brother is so wonderful to me. It is especially meaningful because the fall also makes me think of Mike more than usual. He passed away on October 10th. Next week will mark 16 years since he was given his angel wings. I was a lucky girl to have a big brother. We fought sometimes, usually over the tv, food, or the front seat in the car, but he had my back. I always knew that he did. He was just a normal, genuine guy. He had quite a few friends. His personality attracted people, especially his sense of humor.

I do have tons of memories with Mike of so many different things, but the ones involving food seem to stand out. I guess when you’re both fat kids, that would happen! We also were blessed with a mother who really did know how to cook! I remember her shepards pie. I make that now for my own family. As a kid, I hated the mashed potatoes and my brother hated the meat. It was the perfect team. We switched and gave each other what we didn’t want. We wouldn’t dare waste food! We fought over mom’s deviled cocktail meatballs. Fresh bread was heaven and still makes my inner fat kid smile. Bringing freshly baked malasadas dripping grease through the paper bag into my house was the equivalent to waving the red flag at the bull run. Good luck getting out alive when Mike and Kelly ran your way! My parents would take us to a place called The Riverside where kids would “pay what you weigh”. They may have paid more than other parents, but it sure must have been cheaper than paying for what we would usually order. On that same note, buffets were the best! Mike and I heard that word and became instantly giddy.

Ice cream has always been a big thing for us. When Mike was probably a tween or so, he entered a hot fudge sundae eating contest. He said he just wanted a free sundae and he certainly enjoyed just that! One of his favorite things to eat was a brownie sundae: fudge brownie, vanilla ice cream, hot fudge, whipped cream, and a cherry. It became well known as his thing amongst his friends.

Sunday mornings my mom would always get us out of bed by promising to go out to breakfast after church. I continue this tradition wth my children. Sunday morning breakfasts are the best! The week is crazy and hectic and we don’t always get a chance to connect, but we can count on Sunday mornings.

When we got older and my mom worked, she didn’t always want to cook and my dad would be the first to take us out. I recall many dinners at the Ground Round in the mall near my house with my parents and Mike. We all went in so many directions all day, but this gave us the captive audience. I remember times when it was hard to chew and swallow because of laughing so hard. Again, food bringing us together.

Mike could always make me laugh. I know so many others that would say the same. We all have great stories about him and they’re always about something hilarious he said or did. I am blessed to still have his friends in my life that can help me keep his memory alive for my children. I am especially grateful for the ones who help me celebrate his life every year with a brownie sundae.

In loving memory of Michael David Fernandes February 5, 1972- October 10, 2003