I stared out my door into a group of close to 200 people, on my deck, around my yard, singing karaoke, and standing at the keg. It was a sea of red and white, of that famous insignia of the pair of socks, and the “B” that is recognizable by even the non sports fans. The Red Sox jerseys, t-shirts, sweatshirts, and hats: everywhere you looked was the tribute. This wasn’t because the Red Sox had just won the world series. This wasn’t just a Red Sox themed party. This tribute was to my husband. This tribute was to honor the memory of a man that lived and breathed the sport of baseball and the Boston Red Sox. This is what you do with your husbands friends and your own friends after you have to bury your him because cancer sucks. You take his two favorite things, beer and the Red Sox, and you have one hell of a kegger where everybody wears Red Sox gear. This is where, even your sweet friends from NY that you haven’t seen in years drive 4 hours to be here for you and stop on their way to buy Red Sox hats that you know they’ll never wear again. This is when one of your husbands friends and his wife who works for team brings bobble heads for everyone to take home, a special bag for each of your children with memorable items from the team, and a legit Jersey that she had made with your last name on the back for everyone to sign with a sharpie so it can forever be a keepsake. This is just what needs to be done when baseball was such a huge part of our lives because of Bobby.

We met in May of 2000. I was all about hockey and football, but always a Boston fan through and through for the Sox and Celtics too. He was 100% Red Sox, although he followed all sports and remembered sports stats like a genius. I told him baseball was boring and that it was a game, not a sport. The guys weren’t all exactly in the best shape, after all. This was a common conversation teasing him and him giving it right back. He was cute so I let him talk me into going to Fenway with him. I enjoyed the atmosphere and even got into the games, but still had a hard time watching at home unless we were playing the Yankees or it was the world series. As time went on, I couldn’t help but absorb more of that baseball love. For my following birthday, we went to Chicago to Wrigley and I absolutely loved the nostalgia. The history behind the game was what swooned me. That following summer, he and I drove across the country. We made stops at Busch Stadium, Coors Field, and Camden Yards. That first year we were together I got to see both Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire play.

We got married on July 24, 2004. This day became famous in the baseball world. We had a morning wedding, afternoon reception, and a whole lot of people back at our house after to watch the Sox vs the Yankees (yes, on my wedding night). This was the game that Jason Varitek clocked A-Rod and both benches cleared for the brawl that followed. Some say this was a night that changed Red Sox history. I know it became important in my house because it was definitely the reason I had a husband who ALWAYS remembered our anniversary!

When our kids were born, Bobby swore he would be the dad that coached everything, and he did. He couldn’t wait for the kids to turn 4 so he could get them into the town rec t-ball, then junior baseball after that. Our first 2 kids being girls, they gravitated more towards cheer, dancing, and gymnastics as they got older. When our 3rd came along and was a boy, well that was a game changer in his mind.

We are pretty lucky to live on Cape Cod for so many reasons, but come summertime, one of the best things the Cape offers is the CCBL. This stands for the Cape Cod Baseball League, the top league for summer ball in the nation. Every summer we can head over to one of the fields any given night and see the top college baseball players from sea to shining sea play America’s favorite pastime. It’s a wooden bat league and hearing that crack is a pretty cool sound. Watching these guys play is nothing less than thrilling. This is history and tradition and nostalgia paired with hard working young men lucky enough to get a chance to be here, seeing those scouts at the games, and doing all they can to be taken as soon as they’re draft eligible.

Bobby and I used to take the dog down to the field to sit on a blanket and watch these guys play. He would recite the stats and I would always wonder about the psychology behind it all. How did they always seem so cool and collected? How did the pitcher not choke? These guys aren’t just college kids though. These young men are the blood, sweat, and tears of the game.

Eventually, we left the dog at home to bring the kids. When our 1st son, Brody was 2, we decided to become a host family for the CCBL. We heard the players stay with local families and my husband thought that sounded like a lot of fun. We got our first player. After that we hosted 3 years in a row, 6 young men altogether. We formed some wonderful, lasting bonds with some great guys and their own families as well. The last year we hosted was the summer before Bobby was diagnosed with cancer and our lives were forever changed. The outpouring of love from my “summer sons” was amazing. Those close enough to pay respects did so in person. Those too far away sent comforting messages and mentioned how special my husband had been to them.

Bobby had always coached t-ball in the spring. The spring he was sick, I stepped in and coached with a sweet friend because otherwise Brody said he didn’t want to play. Bobby died in the middle of the season. Brody was 5. His dad was his best friend. He refused to play baseball anymore. That summer, we had to forget about hosting for the college boys. I had 1 guest room and spent the next 4 summers filling it with friends or their older kids who had the summer off and could help me with my kids and give me an extra set of hands around the house. I am blessed that so many people were willing and able to help me when I was left to be a single mom to 4 kids between the ages of 9 and 18 months.

Every spring when baseball season came around, I would ask Brody if he wanted to play. Every year he said no. He said he hated baseball and it was boring. I never needed him to have it be his sport and I never pushed him to play it, but it has been so difficult to see something that was so loved become hated because he associates it with his dad dying. It has broken my heart, really. Baseball has been such a huge part of who we all are for so long.

I have made it a point to keep an eye on where our former college guys are now and, thanks to social media, we have kept in touch fairly well. My kids are older now. They are more independent and don’t need the extra hands they did a few years ago. They have begged me every year to get baseball players again. This year, I agreed it was time. We also finally had a player close enough to road trip and visit. My kids are obsessed with our favorite right fielder and it was awesome to see my boys in their glory. It is so important to put positive role models in our kid’s lives and I am grateful beyond measure to have that! Brody played some baseball in gym and told me he was really good at it so I asked him if he thought he wanted to play again, but he still said, “no”.

June was approaching and so the arrival of our latest college ball players was getting closer. We were hosting 2 young men and the kids and I were all excited, not discussing much else at the dinner table. I noticed Brody seemed a bit distant, sad even, not really like himself. His teacher mentioned it on Friday that week as well. When I picked him up from school that day, I brought it up. He immediately started to cry and I pulled the car over, got out, and opened his door to hug him. He said, “Mom, I really am excited to be having baseball players come stay with us again, but it just makes me really sad too because the last time we hosted, Dad was still alive. So it makes me really, really miss him so much.”

Here is what I said, “Brody, it’s kind of like losing my mom. She loved to cook and she gave me that love, one of the best gifts she could have ever given me. When I cook her recipes and smell those smells, I am taken back. It makes me feel closer to her. It makes me sad, but it also gives me a chance to have a piece of her back in my life, even if it’s just for a little bit. Daddy loved baseball. He gave us all a love for baseball. It’s been missing from our lives for 4 years, even if we haven’t known it. By getting back into hosting, we are getting baseball back into our lives in a positive way. It makes us sad because we think of Daddy and miss him, but it also gives us a piece of him, even if it’s just for the summer.” I reminded him that it’s ok to be sad, as I always do, but he said that he liked that idea of having a little bit of Daddy back.

Now that I have my “summer sons”, I have realized that Brody really hasn’t been the only one needing this piece of Bobby back. I was inside making dinner and listening to my 4 kids and my 2 new big kids playing capture the flag. The true joy of the laughs and screams made my heart soar. Going to games again and screaming when your guy is at the plate or on the mound is an excitement that I almost forgot how much I loved and still do. I am cleaning up more dishes, being eaten out of house and home, and having my washer full of uniforms, but I am also seeing my children have a chance to have more positive role models in their lives, I’m having a blast looking at stats, and I’m in pure heaven screaming my ass off for my guys. You start to care about them quickly and you want to see them do well. As a mom, we want our kids to be happy. As a host mom we want that too. We also want to see these guys succeed, but we know they already have by being picked to play Cape ball in the first place.

I’m not really sure these young men are aware of the positive impact they have on the people around them, especially my children. There is a camp each team puts on weekly in the summer for the kids. My 5 year old decided to do it a long time ago, the first time I mentioned it. Brody, however, kept saying no. Last week, Brody and I were in the car together. Out of the blue he said, “Hey Mom, I decided I wanna do the baseball camp this summer.”

Healing happens differently for every person and with every loss. We will spend the rest of our lives continuing to heal in one way or another as different experiences and stages come and go. For the summers though, we will heal just a little more with every crack of that wooden bat.

Play ball!!!

Dear Bobby,

Friday marks 4 years. I’m choking. It’s hard to breathe. Why does it still have to be like this? Every year. May hits. It’s raw all over again, like it happened yesterday. The rest of the time, mostly, I am fine. I am hopeful and positive and genuinely enjoying life, looking forward and having fun along the way. But these anniversaries roll around and BOOM! I’m hit, knocked off my feet, confused, in a fog. I know it’s normal. I know I am still strong. I know it will pass and the good memories will flow without choking and tears again. Anniversaries, however, suck!

So, another year without you physically here….

I know you’re always with us, always listening and always helping. You wouldn’t have it any other way.

This year was filled with more changes, as life always holds. The biggest change was the girls’ school closing. That was really difficult for them and for me. They ended up both home again for this year until they go back to public school next year.

Joni is a fucking rockstar. There is no way else to put it. I am proud of all of our children in different ways, but this kid just blows me away with her maturity and willingness and desire to help me and our family. There is something every single night for someone and I am out driving them around. The nights that she doesn’t have an activity, she happily makes us all dinner. She is such a good cook too! She likes things clean and tidy and really does all she can to help me with the others being slobs. She is also hilarious in that very sarcastic, dry way. She gets that sarcasm from me and I am so proud. Her and I go at it like best friends and get the best belly laughs, the way you and I would or the way my family used to be growing up. She is going to high school in a few months!! That blows my mind! I watch old home videos and see her, a little peanut with that high pitched voice and the tiniest features. Now she is a gorgeous young woman. Don’t worry, I’ve applied for my LTC. At least you would like the boys that she is friends with. They are definitely great kids from great families. We are blessed!

Hanna is 12. So, there’s that. I love the hell out of her and she can be so helpful and wonderful when she wants to be. But, hormones. Ugh. I am sure I will survive another tween. I hope. I can only imagine the hell you would be in when 3 females get PMS at the same time. She has found a love for tennis and field hockey this year. She doesn’t love schoolwork, but is so smart and looking forward to joining some of her old friends for school in the fall. She has gotten very girly. She always kind of has been, I suppose. She loves style, nails, hair, etc. She does a great job when she gets creative. I love that about her.

Brody is still my perfect little man. (Shhh…) He loves football, just like his mama! It’s all he wants to do. I try to help him and I am getting quite the arm myself. You would be proud! He has awesome grades and loves his friends. I do not understand his humor, but I laugh. I am pretty sure it is 9 year old boy poopy fart superhero humor mostly. He seems to crack up with his friends though so I’ll take it. He misses you so much. It still breaks my heart. Today 2 different kids at school mentioned something about dads and it made him come home upset. It really isn’t fair. I try whenever I can to place positive male role models in his life. I know he needs that. We have a few good friends who Brody looks up to and that makes me happy. There is still a void that I can’t fill and that sucks.

Maddox is 5 now. He has more energy than you can imagine and is so athletic! He loves his friends at preschool and will go to kindergarten next year. I wish I could keep him home and homeschool him for a few years at least, as I was able to do with the others, but I wear too many hats. It’s hard to accept really. That one on one time I got with the other three, I want it with him too! He is so adorable and mischievous. He is a horrible eater and we are working on it. He won’t even try anything new, acts like we’re poisoning him! He is very dramatic about everything. I should have him in a drama club. He did hip hop this past year and his show is coming up. That will be a sight to see, I’m sure!

So, then there’s me. The crazy, burnt out, trying to stay head above water, smiling and hoping and praying single mom of four. The lonely is the worst. I miss my sharing partner. I miss talking about the good and fighting about the bad. I miss having a hand around the house. I miss your smile, your green eyes, your arms, and your hugs. I miss so much about you. I know you’re always here. I see the signs everywhere. You loved Janet Jackson. Today, while thinking of you and upset, her song “Miss you Much” came on the radio. Thank you for being there. I am trying to get rid of the lonely, find other adults, but it’s not as easy as it sounds! I’m sure men think it’s a huge score to meet a widow with 4 young children! Ha! I am so busy with them too! I am happy and blessed for good friends that check on us and bring the wine! I am learning with time, that every year that goes by, I don’t miss you less. The missing you is deep. I know now that will never change. I will never be able to “move on”. I am, instead, still trying to learn how to move forward with you in my heart always. You’re a part of me, ever since we met in May of 2000. We became a part of each other. That is something special. That is something difficult for most to understand, but understanding it now, for me, creates a huge step in the right direction.

I do not know what year 5 without you will hold for us. I can only pray that the blessings are plentiful and that your signs from heaven never stop showing themselves and making me smile.

Love you lots. Miss you forever. ❤

“I’m too tired.”

“It’s not my thing.”

“Not enough hours in the day.”

“I need to get in better shape first. ”

“People will just look at how fat and out of shape I am.”

“I have too many other things to worry about.”

“I don’t like to sweat.”

“I don’t even know what to wear.”

“I don’t like to be around alot of people.”

“It’s just not my crowd.”

“It’s pricey to join.”

“I have a bad back/knees/other health issue.”

I have spent most of my life being active. I was overweight as a kid and hated it. I was always attracted to being in a gym. The people there were healthy and seemed so bright and cheerful. I started running after high school because one of my friends lost weight that way. I HATED running. The first mile I “ran” took me 13 minutes. I know there are people that could have walked it faster, but I was ok with that. I was proud that I got off my ass. I decided to do it again. Then I did it again. Then I went 2 miles. I lost weight that summer, 30 pounds! I started to go further and got faster. I decided to pursue a degree in Exercise Science. It was fascinating to me how something as simple as moving more could help so many aspects of our lives!

Throughout college, I worked in a gym, led fitness classes of all sorts, and personal trained clients. I graduated and ran a few marathons. My social time was usually on the road training with a group or in the gym. I wanted in on whatever was happening. Racquetball, tennis, road races, classes, volleyball on the beach…count me in!! Being active always made me happy.

Flash forward to mom life. I kept running and staying active throughout all of my pregnancies. I ran up until 3 days before I delivered my first and completed a half marathon while pregnant with my first two. Then I bought the treadmill. Then the weights, the yoga mats, and the dvds. I created a pretty cool gym in the basement. I woke up at 5am to workout before the kids got up and life got crazy. It was the only way to fit it in and I had to make it work to stay sane. I did make that work for years.

Then Bobby died. Then I never got a break. I never got out of the house. Working out still happened, but it wasn’t the same. I needed another outlet. I got turned onto POUND ROCKOUT WORKOUT by an awesome friend. I started taking her class and fell in love. I hit and sweat and was social again. I chatted after class and it was therapy. I stole a few hours a week away from my crazy life and it was therapy. I got back into the gym! I became a licensed POUND PRO about 6 months after taking my first class. A few months later I was back in the gym teaching like I had been 20 years prior. Having kids and needing to use the gym daycare (thank God it was there!) made me mostly in and out of the gym for teaching. It is awesome to be back doing something I love and meeting amazing people. They don’t even know how much they change my life when they let me into theirs!

This year with my baby in preschool, it has given me a chance to REALLY get back into the gym. I have started to do other instructors classes, meet even more people, and get into the weight area. I also decided to get my personal training certification again. Helping and inspiring other people is a passion that chases me and makes me the happiest.

I have noticed quite a few things being back in the gym 20 years later. I would like to think that life and experiences have made me smarter and more observant. People at the gym are happy, especially when they have finished their workouts! I have never seen anyone leave saying they regret spending that time at the gym. Everyone smiles. They’re friendly. They’re supportive! Nobody cares how big or little you are or what you wear. When people come in tired, they leave energized. When people come in stressed, they leave relaxed. When people make time for what makes them healthier, it makes them happier! I have met people that hated the thought of exercise. I have met shy people and insecure people. That all changes when they enter the gym. We are one! We are all on a journey here, for a better life, a healthier one, a life where we have more energy for our families and for all that we choose to accomplish any given day. This is a special place. Come join us! Give it a chance. You have nothing to lose! You could discover an entire new, wonderful world out there that you didn’t even know existed!

Now….what’s YOUR excuse??

1. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you. Be yourself.

2. We are all bound to get hurt. It’s the comeback that matters. You work hard and you get back in the game.

3. Have fun!

4. Always find a clear path to where you need to be to reach your goal. When a clear path is not available, be willing to trample over any obstacles that block your way.

5. Teamwork makes any endeavor run more smoothly and the win is always better when you’re sharing it with your friends.

6. Use those with more experience as a resource. Don’t be afraid to listen and use direction mixed with what you already know in your heart and your soul.

7. Smile! Smile! Smile!

8. Be kind.

9. There is always time to make a difference in the life of a child, no matter how busy life or your job or anything else gets.

10. Follow your dreams and, when those dreams change, dont be afraid to follow a different path.

#87: Always in our hearts and, God willing, always shirtless…..❤🏈❤

I was trying to figure out what to title this entry. My dad’s anniversary of his death is this week. One year. That’s a tough one, especially when it has, without a doubt, been the most difficult year of my life. Now, more than ever, I need to dig deep. I need to pull out all those weapons in my arsenal. I need to remember all of those lessons my dad taught me, about life, survival, and grace. I also need to remember the strength. When I think of my dad and his life, I think of strength over everything. When I think of my Uncle, his brother, and of their ancestors, I just keep thinking of the strength. I am honoring my dad and his memory this year by remembering what he taught me about life and living, and about strength.

Always look on the positive side. Always. Hope is sometimes all that you have, but it will still get you through.

Laugh. Make a joke of everything and everyone. Laugh at yourself. Laugh especially when you know you’re being really dumb in your thoughts or actions.

Money is definitely not everything. It’s not something to obsess over. It’s not something to cry about. You go out there and do something you love and make some money. Keeping up with the Jones’s is stupid.

You are the only one who can truly make you happy. Make decisions based on that. You get to live your life. Everybody else and their opinions can screw off.

Help someone whenever you can. You might be all that they have.

Play cards. Sit the heck down. Teach the kids how to play rummy, cribbage, and good ole 45!

There is nothing like good music.

There are men who treat women like gold. Find one and take care of them in return.

When you live an honest life and do what you think is right, you don’t ever need to worry about your reputation. The people who won’t like you or come up with something negative about you are either jealous or just assholes. Neither of those are the people who you want as your friends anyways.

Choose your friends wisely and keep them.

Men won’t melt if they do the dishes.

Strength is inherited and I got that gene. It’s a strong one. We Portagees are made of some crazy shit.

After the bad stuff happens, you refocus on the good and make the most out of what you have.

Strong doesn’t mean you won’t have a bad day. It means that after the bad day, you get back up again and try even harder.

I picture my dad and see strength. I remember growing up wondering how he could be so strong after my brother dying, then years later my other brother dying. I watched him lose my mom and still be my rock. I watched him struggle in business and still make it work and succeed. I watched him struggle to breath and still be strong enough to keep going, every single day. I watched him show my kids how to be strong. I watched him constantly taking care of me even when he needed the help. I watched him die of COPD. I witnessed incredible strength when he couldn’t breathe, but just couldn’t let go.

I pray for that strength daily. But, I also know I already have it. It might not be my last name anymore, but I’m a Fernandes for Pete’s sake. Through and through. I’m Portuguese. I’m stubborn, I’m sexy, and, most of all, I’m strong. I am made of some damn good stuff and this year will be my best year yet. Thanks Dad.

Joan was pretty awesome. She always smiled. She was silly. She was quick to take care of all my friends. She was the best cook I have ever known. And, I was blessed to call her Mom. She has been in heaven since 2001, but I still miss her like she just left. I hold on tight to the lessons she taught me. Here are some of them.

Where there is an all-you-can-eat buffet, there is happiness.

There should always be chocolate cake.

Weighing in at Weight Watchers and losing a half a pound is worth measuring out the gross deli turkey.

Tab and Sweet n Low always come in handy in your purse.

If you get drunk Saturday night and pass out in the back of the van, you will wake up in the church parking lot Sunday morning because she will NOT miss mass.

You’re allowed to be upset about something and get a hug, but then life goes on and you move forward too.

Dogs are people too.

Puzzles are one of the best forms of relaxation, but if you want to put the last piece in, you need to steal it when nobody is looking.

Card games are competitive and winning and rubbing it in is an important life skill.

You do not want to say gonorrhea if you mean diarrhea.

Women are badass and strong, but still deserve a man to spoil them.

Putting up with idiots is best done with a smile on your face.

Some of the best traditions come in edible form.

If you’re fighting with your sibling, you’re on your own. Figure it out. Even if he is beating the snot out of you.

Jean Nate is one of the most comforting smells ever.

Drama is stupid. Tell it like it is and take life in stride.

Cousins are better than gold.

Parents having a night on the town, friends, and a social life besides their kids is ok!

There should always be a junk drawer.

Chicken and rice and tollhouse cookie squares will make everyone happy.

All food needs pepper.

Swearing is blasphemous (sorry mom).

Teaching is the most important profession there is, next to being a mom.

There’s always room for a little something sweet.

A mom won’t laugh at you when you break a bone, even when everyone else does.

Do your nails.

Don’t finish an entire box of devil dogs before the rest of the groceries are even put away.

Sing, even if you don’t sing great.

It’s ok to eat an entire bag of Pepperidge Farms cookies.

The more Aquanet the better.

It’s ok to live your life and enjoy it to the fullest after a loss.

Chew your food 26 times before you swallow.

Road trips are awesome when you have the right people.

The door is always open. Someone always needs an ear or a snack. Be there for them.

Christmas is awesome and magical!

Lots of angels celebrating up there this year. We better live it up for them down here! Missing my mom❤

I have been a huge fan of Christmas ever since I can remember. When I say huge fan, I mean I am one of those crazy people that you might (most likely) find listening to Christmas music in September. I start picking presents up in the summer and tucking them away. The wheels turn with me thinking about the fun surprises to plan for the kids and for my friends. As far as I’m concerned there are two seasons: Christmas and summer. I hate being cold, but I love the magic.

The holidays are hard for many people and I get that, especially this year. It’s my first Christmas without my dad. This makes it really difficult and sometimes quite emotional. My mom died on December 23rd 17 years ago and I still cry at mass every Christmas Eve. However, my mom is the biggest reason I love Christmas. She loved it too! We had so many traditions that we looked forward to and shared. I get to keep those and share them with my own children. That’s a blessing! At Christmas especially, I get to make those foods that give me the tastes and smells that bring me back to my childhood, to my family. I miss them so much! This is a way to have them again! This joyous season, when people get depressed and think about what they are missing or what they can’t do or buy, I am praying that you see the good! Believe in the magic! There are so many really hard life events, but there are also amazing ones! We can focus on the stories of horror and sorrow or we can choose the ones that exhibit kindness and joy! You choose!

We all need something to believe in. Our happiness, our attitudes are always up to us, our reactions, and how we choose to view any given situation. Last year, my 12 year old told me that some kids in her class don’t believe in Santa Claus. She asked me if I believed in Santa.

I explained it like this. We believe in God, even though we don’t see him. We can see the good around us. We can see everything that our faith has taught us that God has made. We talk to God daily (at least!) in this house. We believe in Him. St. Nicholas was a real person. He was a bishop and a defender of Jesus Christ. His status of bishop was taken away because of how violently he fought to defend Jesus being the King, the son of God. Later, he was reinstated as a Bishop because of how loved he was by the people. He came from a wealthy family. He found joy in giving and was well known for giving presents to children. This man’s legacy very clearly gives us our modern day right to believe in St. Nicholas or, Santa Claus.

After my explanation, my daughter agreed with me that she too believes.

So, this holiday season, amongst the lonely, the sad, the angry, dig deep to find the good, the hope, the joy. Help those who may have trouble seeing the magic of the season. Know that there is a reason for the season. People come together. We have heard that many times people come together in a tragedy. The holiday season is not a tragedy, yet we see the Giving Trees, the Toys for Tots drives, the volunteers at so very many places around the globe! We have neighbors bring treats. We gather with friends and family. We give gifts of our time, our heart, our joy. We see others do the same for us, our friends, and our families.

In a time of JOY, we all come together!! This is magical!! This is wonderful!! This is what I believe in!! Do you?

I know I still have quite a bit to learn and that we all have varying experiences and different knowledge to share. I am going to share 43 bits of knowledge I have learned through the years I have behind me. I am 42, but I’m a big believer in the “One to grow” thing. So, here is some (possibly useless) knowledge from Kelly, in no particular order.

1. Poop smell does not come off your hands right away no matter how many times you wash them. You are either a liar or practicing witchcraft if you say it does. Change a diaper or wipe your toddler and get some under your fingernails? Good luck! Wash your hands. Wash them three times. An hour later you’re eating some chips, you bring your hand up to your mouth to put one inside, and GUARANTEED you smell shit! Don’t tell me you don’t. Liar.

2. Everything is relative. Some people’s big stuff is not the same as others, but it can still hurt or be joyful depending on the person and the circumstances. Never discount someone’s pain and never be a joykill. We are leading different lives. It’s all important to someone, even if it’s not important to you.

3. Lazy sucks. Don’t be lazy. It gets you no where fast and it’s annoying to others.

4. Playdoh sucks. It gets in the rug. It gets hair in it. It gets dirt in it. It breaks apart and you find it everywhere for months. If you have kids you know what I mean. If you don’t mind it, then you aren’t the one cleaning up after your children. If you like someone at all, do not buy their kid playdoh for a gift. If you don’t like them, then knock yourself out. That’ll teach ’em!

5. It’s ok to sit still and not do stuff. I am working on this one. I envy people that give themselves a chance to sit and relax. Don’t beat yourself up the way I do when I give myself downtime.

6. EVERYTHING in moderation. Food, booze, exercise, a hobby, people….

7. Don’t do something for someone who doesn’t know how to do the task themselves unless you show them how they can do it next time. They may still need some help in the future, but you are arming them with a new skill. This is invaluable!

8. Never stop learning. Seek new skills. Seek new hobbies. You will feel badass. I promise.

9. Volunteer. There is nothing like putting your own shit in perspective by working with someone who needs you and teaches you about what is and is not important in life.

10. We all need help sometime. Help when you can. Ask for help and take the help when you need it.

11. Everyone is insecure about something. Remember this when you feel insecure. Think of how you would see yourself from the outside if you were a stranger. Odds are that nobody is focusing on you or your insecurities the way you think they are.

12. Eat what you want, but then burn it off. Nothing in life is free, including calories! Don’t go nuts eating crap, then you don’t need to go nuts burning it off.

13. On that same note, food is medicine. Good or bad. Value that shit.

14. Olive oil. If you want your kids to eat it (or just want it to be good in general), put olive oil on it. Cook everything with olive oil. Sautee any vegetable you can find in olive oil and add salt and pepper. I swear. Suddenly, they will fight over the brussel sprouts! No joke. Use the whole effing bottle if you need to. Oil and salt fix every.single.food. (Well maybe not cake or ice cream.)

15. If you use enough smelly body lotion, you can get away without a shower. But not for more than 2 days. Don’t do that. Then you’re just gross.

16. If you feel like crap, force yourself to shower. Then dress in something that is cute. Look in the mirror. You will not see someone who looks like shit. This may help you function for the day at least. This is especially true if you’re sad.

17. Don’t pity anyone. Ever. If someone is in unfortunate circumstances, and you are able to help them, then do it. If you can only offer support or words of encouragement and hope, then do it. Pity doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

18. Some people will always look for drama. Life is easier when those are not your people.

19. Bleach wipes. Buy them in bulk. Keep them everywhere.

20. Stay active. Never stop moving, no matter how slow. Move it or lose it is a true story!

21. Say Thank you. Nobody owes you a thing, not even common courtesy, unfortunately. Thank you goes a long way to reinforce doing the right thing.

22. Say Please. Why not? Again, a little goes a long way. Oh, and if you’re in a bad mood or feeling nasty, at least saying please will make you seem a bit sweeter.

23. When a kid asks you to read them a story, you have to say yes. It’s a rule. Or it should be. Everytime a child is read to, they are learning to read. Everytime a child is read to, they are relishing the attention. They are relaxing and so are you. And honestly, what does it take to read most kids books? 5 or 10 minutes, tops! Put your phone down. Stop folding laundry. Make that phone call in 10 minutes instead of now. Read the book.

24. You can’t possibly spoil a baby. Hug them. Love them. Kiss them. They need that shit. So do you.

25. NEVER wake a sleeping baby or toddler. NEVER. I don’t care if it keeps them up later. Waking them when they are asleep is like asking to see Satan. I would much rather have them lay in bed with me watching Disney Jr. while I sleep, if they are still awake at night, than have my entire afternoon or dinnertime and everything I need to do complete crap because the kid was grouchy.

26. Just say NO to slime! Tell them to leave that shit at school or camp or their friend’s houses! Slime is worse than playdoh! You will never think your saline solution will run out in 2 days until you let your kids make slime. You will buy gallon sized glue! The only time you should see gallon sized glue is in a school or daycare for Pete’s sake!! No Slime!

27. Go with your gut. If something doesn’t seem right, then it probably isn’t.

28. Pick your battles. You really don’t need to win them all. Sometimes you’ll just be dealing with an asshole and it’s better to walk away.

29. If you’re an exhausted parent, Wendy’s or McDonalds is a top notch meal for your kids. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

30. Popcorn can count as breakfast if you haven’t grocery shopped yet and the kids need to catch the bus. Hey, they’re fed, aren’t they?

31. Watch the sunset. Often. Watch the sunrise if you’re up that early cause that shits cool too.

32. Learn how to drive stick and write in cursive.

33. Keep your friends. Savor them. Be good to them. Someday they might be the only support you have left.

34. Listen to music, loud and often. Sing It! Turn that radio up! Get lost in a great song. It’s free therapy!

35. It’s perfectly acceptable to laugh at yourself. You’re going to do stupid stuff. We all do. Laugh it off and let it go. Trust me, someone, somewhere, is probably laughing at you right now.

36. Be nice to your mail carrier and sanitation engineer. They are there through all weather making sure we get taken care of, so smile and say “thank you”!

37. Travel. Often. Alot. Travel is by far the BEST way to spend your money (after the necessities of course, since you need to eat as well). I have seen 42 states and 4 countries and I am chomping at the bit to add to that list of places I’ve been. My children have already seen 27 states. It’s not as expensive as one would think. Plan it out or just jump in the car and go! The things that you think will drive you crazy will become some of the best memories you ever make. Like when Brody learned to pee in a bottle in the Jeep on 95 in New Jersey traffic while Hanna screamed about how it was so gross. Then he did it the rest of the trip so the baby wanted to try too. Well, one time he ended up peeing in Hanna’s face in New Orleans traffic. Good times, but I digress. Travel. Just go.

38. Join a team. The support and comraderie you will experience is unparalleled.

39. Get to know people. They will surprise you, for better or worse. People that come off as snobby, many times are just shy. People who seem sweet and nice, aren’t always trustworthy. Before you create an opinion about a person, learn a little first.

40. Get your butt outside! I love summer and could soak up sun and never get bored. Winter comes and I’m too freaking cold. I am still way happier though when I bundle up and get some fresh air. As humans we need nature. We need sun. We need fresh, outdoor air! So throw your long johns on and get some!!

41. Root for the home team. Nobody wants to hang with that annoying person talking crap about every one else’s favorite team. Unless you grew up in another state and bring that pride with you when you moved here, don’t go against the home team. Don’t be that person.

42. Celebrate your birthdays! Do it big! Have a birthday month! Screw the people that think you’re annoying! If you’re here on earth to live and breathe and get another year, LIVE IT UP!! Growing older is not something everyone gets to do. Too many people die too young. They didn’t get to live more years, but you do! Savor each and every one of them! Party like a rockstar! You deserve it baby!

43. Life changes in a heartbeat. Sometimes in good ways and sometimes in bad ones. LIVE!! Don’t ponder too long. Have fun!!!!! Do the things you want to do NOW. Be with the people that make your day brighter NOW!!!!! Savor every second and LOVE the shit out of your life!!!!!

Today I really didn’t do anything on my to do list. I am always going at a constant pace. If it seems like I never stop, it’s because I don’t. Even on the weekends, we don’t always just relax. Last weekend I decided to treat myself. By treating myself, I mean that I decided to clean MY bedroom. The toys scattered around my dresser do not belong to me. The overflowing baskets of laundry are not just my clothing. The 7 water bottles half full on my night stand are not mine. So, yes, this was a real treat for Mom. I don’t eat in my bedroom, yet the vacuum sucked up a moldy ear of corn and what I think was a half eaten donut. (Pictured below.)

So, today, I slacked.

I remember when I used to walk into the house and sit down. I would take a break and watch a little TV. Now, I need to do laundry, get dinner ready, or any number of other tasks. My children do help with chores, but for the most part it’s all on me. I spend quite a bit of time driving my children wherever they want to go as well. I bring them to soccer, football, hip-hop dance class, school activities, friends houses, and every place in between. On any given day if someone asks me what I have planned, there is usually an extremely long list. I rarely get to everything on the list, but I don’t stop until it’s bedtime. I know this isn’t good, but I do it anyway. I hate to procrastinate. I hate to know that there are things that I should be doing.

Over the last several months, life has been pretty upside down. Just when I thought I had a handle on raising four kids on my own after their dad died, we had another rug pulled out from underneath us when my dad died. Life has definitely been an adjustment again! I spent months cleaning out my father’s house. Thank God for the friends who helped me with that! It still took an emotional toll. I finally got rid of his car. I sold furniture of his and threw a lot of things away.

I sold the house a week ago. Perhaps it’s just hitting me that I’ve experienced that closure. Perhaps it’s the nasty rain that this day brought. But I am tired. I am not just physically tired, but emotionally and mentally drained. So, today I did not check things off my to-do list. Today, after I played with the preschoolers at my son’s school and then taught my pound class at the gym, I slacked off. I hate to admit it, but I did. Before I went to the gym, I had plans to run 2 miles and do some extra ab work after my pound class. After all, two weeks ago I committed to losing the 20 pounds I gained over the last 3 years. I’ve already lost five and been really working hard for that accomplishment. When I left the gym I still had plans in my head to go home and run on my treadmill and do that ab work. I decided to stop for a coffee. Next door to the coffee shop is a new, cute, little boutique. It is filled with unique gifts. It’s a place that I wanted to check out for a couple of months. I decided to take a look. I didn’t buy anything, but it was nice to take a breath, stop, and just take my time. Then I grabbed my coffee and headed back home. When I got home, I chatted a little bit with my daughters. They are now back to homeschooling. (So, yeah, that’s been an adjustment as well.) I treated myself to sitting down and eating lunch. Most people do that every day, but it’s really a treat for me. Usually I’m out of the door with a smoothie or grabbing some kind of bar while multi-tasking in the house. After that, I decided that I deserve to shower. (Selfish, right?) I forgot all about that two mile run and that extra ab work. I took a really nice, hot shower. I took my time. I noticed the sun was coming out. Then, I also noticed that it was already time to pick up my boys from school. Once they come home, usually a few more things get done around the house. I usually throw in more laundry or clean up the kitchen or whatever else it is that I could be doing. But today I decided not to. We hadn’t seen each other all day. They had stories to tell me and I had lots of snuggles to give them. I still hadn’t sat on the couch. I’m pretty sure that when you slack off you’re supposed to do that. I already succumbed to slacking off today. I need to make sure I do it right.

I have caught my breath now. I need to feed them, but I think leftovers are in order for tonight. I probably should fold some of that laundry after dinner…

Nope! Checked the movie listings instead. Looks like Friday night movie night for us!! I could really get used to this relaxing stuff…

Yeah, you and I both know that won’t happen!!

Now, seriously….a donut?!?!?!

I was blessed to grow up with my brother. He was about 4 years older than me. He teased me. He punched me to get the remote control or the last devil dog. His friends stole my food too, sitting on me and making me watch them eat the sandwich I had just made. He was loud. When it was the two of us and my parents, I couldn’t get a word in no matter how hard I tried. He would sit and read the magazines with cars for sale and make us all listen. That annoyed the crap out of me. I remember when he shut the door of the Dodge Caravan on my fingers.

It was definitely a joy to have him as my brother. It was a joy because this is the stuff that siblings do to each other! They also teach us. Having Mike as my older brother taught me how to get along with others, no matter how they treated me. It taught me how to stand up for myself. It taught me that, even when you know you did nothing wrong, someone will probably always think you did. It taught me that there was someone looking out for me even when I didn’t know it. It taught me that you can fight with someone and still love them more than anything in the world.

My brother was taken too early. He was only with us for 31 years. In that time, he left his mark. That’s for sure. He was kind, smart, handsome, generous, and above all else funny as heck.

Tonight I heard my girls upstairs making way too much noise considering that their brothers were sleeping. At first, I asked them to quiet down. Then, I let it go. I let it go and listened. I listened to the silly giggles that turned into outright snorting. I thought about how precious it is to have a sibling, right there with you, laughing with you, sharing a joke, a bond. Those girls fight SO MUCH. They also laugh. They get along. They are best friends. I am pretty certain they don’t yet know that they are each other’s best friend, but someday I have hope they will. I cherish every stupid memory I have of my brother.

31 years goes by in flash. The 15 years today that he has been gone seems like a whole different lifetime. I may have gotten cut short on the sibling stuff, but I now get to see my 4 children fight like crazy, but then also know EXACTLY how to make each other laugh. That’s definitely the good stuff. Cherish that my friends, cherish that.