My kids are givers. Total givers. Yours are too, right? These sweet little cherubs just do the sweetest things to test Mommy’s limits, to see just how close I can get to crazy. Here is a short list of some of the things they do that I just love…

1. Never flushing the toilet. We have two bathrooms. Every single time I need to pee or shower or I’m just putting some towels away, I get to flush a toilet! I know how much fun it is to push that little handle. My kids are sweet to think of me and let me always be the one who gets a turn! Sometimes I even get to smell it and need to spray the button on the air freshener! I just love buttons! I especially love when they have all gone over and over again and left it for me, like a big fluffy nest of toilet paper. Its nearly like staring at the big, beautiful sky filled with soft clouds, except on a blanket of s*** instead of sky. So sweet.. Oh! And don’t forget, thats when it usually gets clogged too! I LOVE working a plunger and I have become SO good at it. I need to remember to add that to my resume now that I think about it.

2. Food in the sink. We have no garbage disposal. I love how my kids make sure they always leave a little something (or alot) on their plates, especially since it is nearly impossible for me to get to the dishes every day. I believe they are so concerned about the mice and ants and fruit flies, seeing as they were an issue this past year. I apparently have been inhumane in trying to kill them or make them stop coming. Much nicer to feed them and all live in harmony! When I do get to the dishes, my kids know I always enjoy a good challenge. I love the caked on food. That makes scrubbing fun. Oh, and that time I paid a plumber nearly 300 bucks because the tub and the kitchen sink were clogged and it all needed to be snaked and he showed me 16 plastic straws that had somehow gone down the kitchen sink drain…well that was super fun!!!!! Who knew disposable straws cost so much?? What a treat though for the kids and I to learn about recycling in such a nice way. Yes, I love my givers…

3. Laundry. Not sure if your kids are as sweet as mine, but my kids do know how much I love exercise. They make sure to put their dirty clothes right NEXT TO the laundry bins on the floor. This way I always need to bend and reach to pick them up! I have been working on my bikini bod for the summer. So sweet!! Oh, and when I have no towel after a shower, but there are 13 dirty ones on my daughter’s bedroom floor, well thats just perfect! I heard that air drying is much better for the skin anyways. Or if I manage to find and use a face cloth and its nice and wet afterwards, I could just reuse it to wash the baby’s face and really be saving the environment in just so many ways! My children really do care about nature.

4. My girls “borrow” my things. Who doesn’t LOVE running late and looking for their hairbrush, but not finding it ANYWHERE because their 12 year old put it in her backpack and took it to school? Come on now! You know you all raised your hands! The other day it was a total treat when I walked around the house for 10 minutes with no pants on because the same 12 year old was wearing the ones I was looking for and wouldn’t answer when I asked if anyone had seen them. She knows I just love a good mystery!

5. Leaving trash all over the house. If I ever need to wear an orange vest and carry a stick, I will have that s*** mastered! Under the couch is the best. I mean, since you don’t really look there every single day, that stuff can really add up and fester. It can be an entire hour of community service practice! Oh and again, I love when the trash is on the floor right next to the trash can. Mama’s workin’ those abs, baby!

These kids really do care about my health. All this extra exercise will really pay off. I love how they give me all these extra reasons to sweat! Just wait til you see me on the beach this summer! We will be the family with no towels, surrounded by trash, and leaving all the food around for the sweet, beautiful seagulls that we all just love so much!

My dad passed away this week. He was 78 years young. Even though you see someone you love in poor health, and even though you know they will soon not be here, it still hits like a throat punch. Takes my breath away to think about it. I was blessed and need to share what I wrote to honor his memory.

Everyone who knew my dad, knew he was special. Ive gotten messages and phone calls left and right about what an amazing, kind, generous, great man my dad was. Thank you so much for that! Our family has been through a tremendous amount of loss, as you know, some before I was even born. My dad was my backbone and the backbone of our family through it all. He has been my source for laughs and support and hugs and venting for my entire life. He truly was, and always will be, my best friend. Thinking about days without him makes me choke. So I don’t. I know he is another angel and will always be with me and with all of my children. I cannot get too sad. That wasn’t my dad. It wasn’t what he wanted. I want us all to remember him and smile. Here are some best thoughts and memories I personally have and also some from his family and friends that I wanted to share.

I happened to ask 3 people in a row…2 cousins and a friend what sticks out when they think of my dad. All of them said, “The Grand National and how damn fast he drove!” He loved that car! I remember he got it because it was one of the fastest cars in the nation. That fact was so lost on me, but not on my guy friends at THS. Whenever my dad let me take his car, I would be bombarded with pleading from them begging to get a chance to drive it. I am proud to say that I never let them! My dad would have killed me and that car would surely have been done in the hands of a teenage boy!

My dad gave us our first taste of a global education. As president of the Taunton Rotary Club, he brought Up With People to Taunton. We got to meet people from all over the world. This gave us a desire to learn more about other places and people and ways of life. He was in charge of several exchange programs throughout the years as well. Through these exchanges, I still have some wonderful friends. Thanks to him and my mom both, we were taught that we are part of a community larger than ourselves. We were taught to be understanding, non judgemental, and kind. My father truly did treat the janitor the same as the CEO. At the furniture store, I have been told, that when you walked in there and couldn’t afford what you needed, you still took it home with the promise that you would come back each week and pay a little down. Many people have told me that it was the only way they ever would have been able to afford their first new bedroom or dining room sets. That was a special thing, that trust and faith that my father always kept in people.

My dad loved music and all kinds. He took me to my first concert. I was in 7th grade and got to see Bon Jovi and Skid Row! He took my friends and I to see SO MANY CONCERTS. Pretty sure he saw New Kids on The Block at least a dozen times…. not sure it was really his favorite singing group though. Years later, he was the chauffeur for my kids for school and activities. I always felt bad asking him to bring them somewhere or to pick them up, but he would insist. I soon learned that he loved that time together with them and so did they. My dad was way cooler than me, letting them listen to whatever they wanted on the radio. Eventually, their music grew on him and he ended up sometimes telling me I should be listening myself! My kids tell me thats one thing they will remember the most. Those car rides. He would spoil them with Starbucks or Dunkin or whatever else they asked for, and they knew I would have said no. My kids’ friends all knew Pubby well too. He picked them all up at one time or another and he was always likely to be at the house when friends were over. He loved people. He took care of his friends, then my friends, and then was doing the best he could to take care of his grandkids friends too. Thats just the kind of man he was.

He was also patient. He let my friends and I get away with just about anything we wanted. He had plenty of times that he could have told them all to go home, but instead, he was more likely the one pulling out the deck of cards. And sometimes he would let us do things and get away with them as long as we promised not to tell my mother.

Speaking of Joan… A few weeks ago, my dad and I talked about him dying. It did break my heart. But I held his hand and I told him that it will never be okay for him pass away because I want to hold onto him forever, but he had his brother, his 2 boys, and one heck of a gorgeous woman waiting for him. I told him that when the moment came for that reunion, I was sure i’d be seeing fireworks in the sky.

I love hearing all the wonderful things that people are telling me about him. I love that people have told me that they feel lucky and blessed to have known such a man. I am the lucky one though. That’s my dad you are talking about and I got to have him for 41 years! It is too hard to say goodbye, but I know I don’t have to. I know he isn’t gone. I know that he is another angel. I know his helping days are not gone either. He will always be my best friend. Even though I already miss calling him 100 times a day or him calling me, I know he will still make sure that I know he is here. Death cannot stop the love between two people, nor will it make me sad for long. He has left a legacy for certain. And that legacy is truly filled with nothing but joy and kindness to the world around us.

I didn’t grow up in a small town. I grew up in a city, population 56,843. I did summer in a small town though. It’s a beautiful town right on the water where the tourists quadruple the population of about 4,000 every summer. I was blessed enough to move to that small town full time in 2002. When I got here, all my summer friends had gone home for the winter and I pretty much didn’t know anyone. The first thing my husband and I did was to join the local track club. They welcomed us warmly with wide open arms. They were some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. They quickly became friends and made my transition to year-round living in this small coastal town much, much easier. Since then, four children have made life a bit busy and I’m not involved much with the Track Club anymore. I still run, of course, but now it’s when I can fit it in between gymnastics and soccer and swimming class and football and school. The one thing that sticks out in my head is how loving that group really was to me, and still are today. Over the years I have realized that group is a true representation of this small town. This truly is a community with wide open arms.

For my first 26 years, I lived in a wonderful city as well. Now that I’ve spent some time in a good-sized city and a small town, I think I can honestly compare the two.

I never heard any negative comments about where I grew up until probably high school. By then, we were playing sports against other schools and going to multiple district student council functions where we were interacting with other kids from different towns and cities in our state. I started to realize that our city, where I always felt safe, had this reputation for being “tough”. For years, I sort of “went with it” somehow thinking that this chubby band chick with acne was now badass. When I went away to college, my roommate was from another, much smaller town in my state about an hour from where I lived. She looked at me like I was a thug and must have guns and drugs. Again, I got a kick out of it because…well, she was prissy as hell and I really couldn’t stand her!

When I moved year round to my forever place here by the sea, I noticed I was still hearing much of the same negativity about my city of origin. Now, it was coming from adults. These adults were supposed to be well-educated people, yet still they believed the stereotypes and rumors, even having never stepped foot in my “big” city at any point in their lives. It started to make me defensive. I loved and still love that city. My memories of growing up include amazing teachers, hanging out at the girls club after school making arts and crafts, the science fairs, taking pride in having the best softball teams in the state, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, marching in parades, and parents that were involved in the community in whatever ways possible. I was taught to get involved. I had friends from every background, every color, different beliefs and I was actually taught that this was ok. No, it was more than ok. This was GREAT. This was a representation of life! It didn’t matter how much money we had or how much money they had. It didn’t matter what side of the tracks (literally) you were from. I look back and feel that I grew up in a community that cared and still does care today. We helped one another. We stuck together. Somebody always had your back. I still have my roots there and I wouldnt change that for the world. When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and our childhood friends found out, they quickly helped in any way they could. Our awesome friends used their band to have a concert and get the community together for a giant fundraiser. They blew us away with their generosity of time, effort, and raising of money that truly helped my family more than they will ever know. I don’t even live there anymore, but I’m still supported through an amazing network of great people! Today, some of my friends are teachers there, some are police officers and firefighters, and some are running that city. I take pride in seeing how they make a wonderful city even better every day.

It is the same way I feel about where I live. This small town has already had my back on more than one occasion. This is a place where parents, teachers, police officers, firefighters, business owners, municipal workers, coaches, and residents from the North side to the East side all care about this town and the people in it. I see it where ever I go, and I’m proud.

When I had my fourth child stillborn and came home from the hospital feeling lost and overwhelmed, I was taken care of by this community. Two different churches had members going out of their way for my family. Strangers were doing my laundry to help us. Those strangers became friends. I felt supported by more than just my family. I saw a town come together for one of its own and fill a need. While my husband fought for his life, and shortly passed away 7 months later, this community came out full force in a way I never could have imagined. People helped me in every possible avenue. I felt loved and supported and humbled. I mostly felt, and still feel, blessed.

A little over a week ago, NBC aired a special segment on my small town. It was highlighting one of our elementary schools and the way they have responded to help children in our community who have either lost a parent to drug overdose or are struggling with a parent with an addiction. It also showed what they are doing to help keep children away from drugs and give them avenues to talk to trusted adults and relieve their stress in productive ways. When I watched the segment, I was filled with pride. Again, I saw a community seeing a problem here and working above and beyond to fix it. So much so, in fact, that NBC came and spread this story to the rest of the country to use our town as an example of doing good for others and as a model other cities and towns can use for their own communities!

The next day, I was appalled when I scrolled down my Facebook feed. I was pretty sure we had all watched the same segment. However, I read comments that focused on the towns drug problem. Some even going so far as to say they were glad they had gotten out of here when they did and that the town wasn’t like when they were a kid. I was seriously dumbfounded. Im not sure what rock these people have crawled out from under, but let me enlighten you. DRUGS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!! If you think for one second that your town or city is somehow immune from drug addiction, you are so very wrong. You know people addicted to drugs or that have overcome addiction. Trust me, you do. They are your neighbors, your co-workers. Some have made it and some have not. Some are buried in the cemetary next to your grandmother. This is happening everywhere!! To act like our town has more of a problem than every other place in our country is pure ignorance, completely missing the point, and just plain WRONG.

I’m proud of NBC coming out here. I’m proud to open my eyes at the world around me and see the good. This isnt a gift. This is making a choice to be positive in a world where we are bombared by the media with negative. So much so, perhaps, that when a good, positive story comes out, some people can’t even recognize it anymore?!?

I grew up in a place where there were most definitely drugs, crime, and people who just did bad things, but there was also a sense of community. There were good things happening every day. There were teachers walking kids home from school if parents couldn’t. There were sports teams celebrating their wins at Friendly’s, there were people helping at the shelter and food pantry. There were programs and activities everywhere to help the community and the people in it and to come together for our neighbors in need. This is exactly how I see the town I live in as well. In fact, look around you. This is every town and city “from sea to shining sea”. This is our country, our amazing, wonderful country. This is where, yes, bad does happen, but so does good. There are copycat crimes. BUT, there are also copycat solutions, fundraisers, and good deeds! The good can spread, IF we choose to focus on it! Look around where you live. Really look. Think about what you want to spread in your own community. You are a catalyst. Each one of us spreads something, positive or negative, whenever we speak or perform an action. Open your eyes to the world around you. What do YOU choose to see?

I didn’t grow up in a small town. I grew up in a city, population 56,843. I did summer in a small town though. It’s a beautiful town right on the water where the tourists quadruple the population of about 4,000 every summer. I was blessed enough to move to that small town full time in 2002. When I got here, all my summer friends had gone home for the winter and I pretty much didn’t know anyone. The first thing my husband and I did was to join the local track club. They welcomed us warmly with wide open arms. They were some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. They quickly became friends and made my transition to year-round living in this small coastal town much, much easier. Since then, four children have made life a bit busy and I’m not involved much with the Track Club anymore. I still run, of course, but now it’s when I can fit it in between gymnastics and soccer and swimming class and football and school. The one thing that sticks out in my head is how loving that group really was to me, and still are today. Over the years I have realized that group is a true representation of this small town. This truly is a community with wide open arms.

For my first 26 years, I lived in a wonderful city as well. Now that I’ve spent some time in a good-sized city and a small town, I think I can honestly compare the two.

I never heard any negative comments about where I grew up until probably high school. By then, we were playing sports against other schools and going to multiple district student council functions where we were interacting with other kids from different towns and cities in our state. I started to realize that our city, where I always felt safe, had this reputation for being “tough”. For years, I sort of “went with it” somehow thinking that this chubby band chick with acne was now badass. When I went away to college, my roommate was from another, much smaller town in my state about an hour from where I lived. She looked at me like I was a thug and must have guns and drugs. Again, I got a kick out of it because…well, she was prissy as hell and I really couldn’t stand her!

When I moved year round to my forever place here by the sea, I noticed I was still hearing much of the same negativity about my city of origin. Now, it was coming from adults. These adults were supposed to be well-educated people, yet still they believed the stereotypes and rumors, even having never stepped foot in my “big” city at any point in their lives. It started to make me defensive. I loved and still love that city. My memories of growing up include amazing teachers, hanging out at the girls club after school making arts and crafts, the science fairs, taking pride in having the best softball teams in the state, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, marching in parades, and parents that were involved in the community in whatever ways possible. I was taught to get involved. I had friends from every background, every color, different beliefs and I was actually taught that this was ok. No, it was more than ok. This was GREAT. This was a representation of life! It didn’t matter how much money we had or how much money they had. It didn’t matter what side of the tracks (literally) you were from. I look back and feel that I grew up in a community that cared and still does care today. We helped one another. We stuck together. Somebody always had your back. I still have my roots there and I wouldnt change that for the world. When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and our childhood friends found out, they quickly helped in any way they could. Our awesome friends used their band to have a concert and get the community together for a giant fundraiser. They blew us away with their generosity of time, effort, and raising of money that truly helped my family more than they will ever know. I don’t even live there anymore, but I’m still supported through an amazing network of great people! Today, some of my friends are teachers there, some are police officers and firefighters, and some are running that city. I take pride in seeing how they make a wonderful city even better every day.

It is the same way I feel about where I live. This small town has already had my back on more than one occasion. This is a place where parents, teachers, police officers, firefighters, business owners, municipal workers, coaches, and residents from the North side to the East side all care about this town and the people in it. I see it where ever I go, and I’m proud.

When I had my fourth child stillborn and came home from the hospital feeling lost and overwhelmed, I was taken care of by this community. Two different churches had members going out of their way for my family. Strangers were doing my laundry to help us. Those strangers became friends. I felt supported by more than just my family. I saw a town come together for one of its own and fill a need. While my husband fought for his life, and shortly passed away 7 months later, this community came out full force in a way I never could have imagined. People helped me in every possible avenue. I felt loved and supported and humbled. I mostly felt, and still feel, blessed.

A little over a week ago, NBC aired a special segment on my small town. It was highlighting one of our elementary schools and the way they have responded to help children in our community who have either lost a parent to drug overdose or are struggling with a parent with an addiction. It also showed what they are doing to help keep children away from drugs and give them avenues to talk to trusted adults and relieve their stress in productive ways. When I watched the segment, I was filled with pride. Again, I saw a community seeing a problem here and working above and beyond to fix it. So much so, in fact, that NBC came and spread this story to the rest of the country to use our town as an example of doing good for others and as a model other cities and towns can use for their own communities!

The next day, I was appalled when I scrolled down my Facebook feed. I was pretty sure we had all watched the same segment. However, I read comments that focused on the towns drug problem. Some even going so far as to say they were glad they had gotten out of here when they did and that the town wasn’t like when they were a kid. I was seriously dumbfounded. Im not sure what rock these people have crawled out from under, but let me enlighten you. DRUGS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!! If you think for one second that your town or city is somehow immune from drug addiction, you are so very wrong. You know people addicted to drugs or that have overcome addiction. Trust me, you do. They are your neighbors, your co-workers. Some have made it and some have not. Some are buried in the cemetary next to your grandmother. This is happening everywhere!! To act like our town has more of a problem than every other place in our country is pure ignorance, completely missing the point, and just plain WRONG.

I’m proud of NBC coming out here. I’m proud to open my eyes at the world around me and see the good. This isnt a gift. This is making a choice to be positive in a world where we are bombared by the media with negative. So much so, perhaps, that when a good, positive story comes out, some people can’t even recognize it anymore?!?

I grew up in a place where there were most definitely drugs, crime, and people who just did bad things, but there was also a sense of community. There were good things happening every day. There were teachers walking kids home from school if parents couldn’t. There were sports teams celebrating their wins at Friendly’s, there were people helping at the shelter and food pantry. There were programs and activities everywhere to help the community and the people in it and to come together for our neighbors in need. This is exactly how I see the town I live in as well. In fact, look around you. This is every town and city “from sea to shining sea”. This is our country, our amazing, wonderful country. This is where, yes, bad does happen, but so does good. There are copycat crimes. BUT, there are also copycat solutions, fundraisers, and good deeds! The good can spread, IF we choose to focus on it! Look around where you live. Really look. Think about what you want to spread in your own community. You are a catalyst. Each one of us spreads something, positive or negative, whenever we speak or perform an action. Open your eyes to the world around you. What do YOU choose to see?

I drive too fast. I know I do. I see the speed limit sign says 50 and I do 60, 65 and I do 75. Its become how I roll. I don’t have road rage. I dont cuss at people unless they are a real a-hole. I just have to be SOMEWHERE. ALL THE EFFING TIME. I have 4 kids and each one has their own schedule. I also have things I want or need to do as well. There are 24 hours in a day. There is no time to lose!

Raising a big family on my own requires an enormous amount of organization. Otherwise, it just doesn’t run smoothly. We are NOT an organized family. We are loud. We fight. We can’t find our shoes. Someone stole their sister’s gym shorts. Someone needs to pee. The baby shit his pants on the way out the door. Someone forgot to eat breakfast. Someone has a 24 page notice from school that I NEED to read RIGHT NOW. Someone forgot they need a check for flute lessons. Someone only found one shin gaurd and there’s practice today.

We have school, faith formation classes, gymnastics, soccer, football, music lessons, doctors appointments, swim lessons, homework, dinner, showers, etc. I could say “NO” to any of the “extracurricular” stuff, but I won’t. My kids want to be active. They enjoy sports and trying new things. I do wish we had more downtime and I am always trying to figure out how to juggle and get it, but I still wouldn’t say no. I love seeing them active and happy. I also know that this crazy, hectic schedule won’t last forever.

I do wish my kids would be more cooperative and understanding. After one of them just took 16 minutes to find their right shoe, they will be in the car upset that we aren’t going to be on time for something. They will ask me why I can’t go even faster. They will request an exact amount of minutes late we will be. Sometimes there are even tears. I remind them about 1000 times a week that Im doing the best I can and that everything isn’t always going to work out and be perfect. That’s life. It is what it is. Inevitably, I feel “mom guilt”. I tell myself we will be on time next time. Then, the next time, when we arrive 5 minutes late, I’m cursing and mad that it has happened again.

It seems that even when we leave early and it looks like we will make it somewhere on time, for some reason like a traffic jam or a school bus, we either just make it or are late again. We are teased by some friends because they know we will be late more than not. Many of my friends run late as well, which makes me way less stressed. I love inviting them over for dinner knowing that when the food still has 40 minutes in the oven, I will see their text about being 40 minutes late.

I wonder if there will ever come a time when we are on time for everything. I wonder if I should throw in the towel, but it’s just not my style. I know I’m doing the best I can. I want to do it all and I want my kids to do it all. I cram too much into each day. I know I do, but I have great intentions and a good heart. We are completely unorganized, but I am working little by little to change that too. Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? I have decided to continue to do the best I can at any given time. We all need to remember this in our lives. We are human. We mess up. We need to be easier on each other and ourselves! Remember, there will always be critics. Try not to be one of those. We are all here doing the best we can!

So, if you invite us to your party, please remember reheating food doesn’t bother us in the least and, if we pass you on the highway, just wave and smile. A thumbs up wouldn’t hurt either.

A few weeks ago I began a journey around the country with my four kids. Its has been many things: fun, exciting, educational, hilarious,  frustrating,  rewarding…. Here are some lessons I have learned.

1. After having 5 babies, I pee more than my kids. It is what it is. I cannot pee in a bottle while the car is moving since Im the only driver. So we stop. Often. Ugh.

2.  Do not ask your 7 year old son to help your 3 year old son pee in a bottle when you are sitting in traffic. That will end with pee all over said 3 year old’s pants.

3. Do not ask your 10 year old daughter to help her 3 year old brother pee in a bottle while sitting in traffic. She will try to hold his little wee wee in the bottle to avoid what happened when her 7 year old brother tried this before her. 3 year old will think this is funny and shove her hand out of the way to allow his wee wee to fly around willy nilly. This will result in 3 year old peeing on 10 year olds face and shirt. 10 year old will be very angry. Everybody else will laugh so hard that its hard to breathe.

4. People in the south are way nicer than Massholes. And yes,  we are Massholes. Even when I think Im being nice, compared to the southern people, Im just a jerk.

5. Do not empty a bottle of pee out the window while driving. It will blow back in and hit your children.

6. Children should all be forced to pee and poop on the side of the road. You are not being gross, dirty, or classless. You are preparing them for college.

7. If you dont drink soda and eat much fried food at home, don’t do it on vacation.  You will spend 2 days walking around Disney World with the world’s worst indigestion.

8. Sleeping in a queen sized bed on vacation with 7 and 3 year old boys is just as relaxing as it is at home….

9. When your children ask you some great questions about state facts and US history, you need to google. Its been 25 years since history class. The vague recollection I have of famous historical moments all blend together with decades of movies Ive seen and rumors I may or may not have heard. It all comes back to you when you google, but sadly, in most cases, I am not smarter than a 5th grader.

10.  You will never regret making memories. My trip sounded crazy to some people.  Others claimed I was brave to drive through 18 places in 18 days by myself with my 4 kids. You only live once. Although at times I may be both, brave and crazy have nothing to do with it.  We have ONE life to live and to love. My kids and I will never forget this trip. Here’s to many, many more insane adventures with my amazing (and sometimes crazy) family!

Dear Bobby,

You’ve been gone 2 years today. Sometimes it feels like a dream. Sometimes it’s still just so surreal. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like any time has passed at all and other times it feels like a lifetime has gone by. When I think about it, it really is a completely different lifetime now.

First off, we miss you. The kids miss you. I talk about stories and fun times very often. I want them to always remember the fun. I know it wasn’t all roses, but thats ok. I asked them to tell me what they think of first when they think of you. Joni said how you coached her in everything. Brody said he remembers when you went to so many different Dunkin Donuts because he wanted a strawberry frosted with sprinkles on a Saturday morning on Cape Cod in the summer and everyone was out, but you made sure you found him one! Hanna said she remembers you always wanting slush puppies and getting her them too, even though I would be mad.  We tell the baby stories. I can’t believe he was only 18 months when it happened. It’s not fair. He will only know you through stories. That sucks. So we do what we can to tell lots of stories and make sure there are lots of pictures of you for him to see. I miss you. Like I said, we had our problems, and it meant so much to me that we could talk about them and forgive everything in the end…but, we had so many good times too! You were my best friend.  I miss when you sang me karaoke (I’m guessing the neighbors don’t though). It was always either REO Speedwagon or Boys II Men. I love that I was able to meet someone who could let go and be crazy in the same way that I did. When we did stuff like that, we would roll our eyes at each other, but secretly loved it. Other anal retentive people would never get our way of “crazy”.  I miss seeing you play with the kids, especially Brody. He needs that so badly. I try. I really do. I am just spread so thin. The boys have each other and play together alot, but the baby beats on him and he knows he needs to be nice to his little brother. It gets old for him pretty quickly.

I miss being able to share milestones with you. The girls started school this year. I am so proud of them and how well they are doing. I know you would be too.  When the girls got their first report card I cried. I just wanted to share that with you so badly.  Brody has found this crazy love for football which makes me so happy! He is slow as molasses, but as he gets older we will work on it.  He loves to play center. Maddy is going to play this year too. He is so aggressive. I think he will have fun.  I know you are there watching when they do everything, but it’s not the same. I want to high five you. I want to hug you.  I miss you.

I miss when you could make me laugh to cheer me up. I miss watching Storage Wars with you. I miss going to The Captain Kidd every year on our anniversary in July.  I miss your stupid farmers tan from surveying and how your neck was always red and you would swear you used sunscreen. I miss running with you. I remember that year at The Paul White road race when we decided to compete with each other. I started out fast and was ahead of you until that last big hill before the finish line.  You knew I suck at hills. Behind me I heard the Jaws shark music and I knew you caught me. You didn’t go ahead though, and you could have easily done so. You ran the end with me and then made me go ahead of you into the chute so I would officially have won our little competition that day.

I miss the girls dressing up for the Father Daughter dance every year at the rec. I know they do too. I miss you telling everyone you would never forget our anniversary because it was the day the big fight broke out at the red sox game with A-Rod.  I miss you. I remember the way you looked at me and cried when I was in labor with Hanna and you knew I was in so much pain. I remember you acting like the Red Sox won the world series in the ultrasound room when we found out Brody was a boy.

It has been so hard. The second year has easily been harder than the first too. In the first year your head is spinning. In the first year there is so much help too.  After the first year, you start to settle into the crazy reality and everyone thinks you’re okay now and the help and support starts to fade. But we aren’t ok. I hate to admit it, but I can’t do it all. I’m trying and it seems like there is always something that gets neglected and sometimes someone.  I wear too many hats and it sucks. I really do enjoy being independent.  I enjoy doing things on my own my way.  There just is never enough time in the day or week or month for one person with four kids to get it all done.  I am trying to take time for myself too. I know that’s important. I go out with friends. I date. I thank God for my amazing girlfriends that put up with me. I wonder though if I will ever have a best friend like you again. I hope so. I know you want that for me.

Every season that goes by makes the kids and I miss different things all over again. Thank God I have the kids! They are awesome, even if they can be little shits. Oh and the boys make sure I never miss a body next to me in my bed! They are awesome snugglers.

I know you are not in pain in any way now. I know you are happy. I know that you are watching us and guiding us and helping us. I know that you are with our son, Greyson. Give him lots of hugs and kisses from his mama. Give Gretzky a hug too. He was the best dog ever. Tell my mom that this mommin shit ain’t easy and I am sorry that my room was always a mess and that I left dishes in the sink. Thank her too though for teaching me to cook and, especially her pumpkin bread. Thank her for helping to teach me how to be a good person and how to smile through tears.  Have a brownie Sundae with Mike and tell him I miss his stinky farts. Tell my brother David that someday we will meet and thank you for always being my angel since the day I was born. Have some rootbeer with Uncle John and play some catch. I miss him being next door. Give them all hugs for me, seriously HUGE hugs. And I’m sending the biggest one I can muster up to heaven for you. Please continue to keep us safe and help us stay healthy and make Joni better. Please make year 3 easier than year 2. I know we will always miss you,  but I have hope that everything in our lives will somehow get easier, that things just work out. I know they will. I love you.  Thank you for being our angel.

Love,

Your Best Friend,

Kelly ❤

Online dating sucks. Okay, any dating sucks. Being on the other side of marriage just plain sucks! That dating world is full of liars, assholes, and people that view relationships as disposable.  It’s extremely frustrating to say the very least! However,  it seems to be the only way to meet anyone these days! If you can’t beat ’em, join em! So, I’ve decided that writing about it would definitely give others that “Me Too!” moment. If you’re dating after 30 or 40 even, then im pretty sure you can relate to my experiences. Following is just one of many….

I stood outside the restaurant waiting for the man I had yet to meet who was supposed to be my date for dinner and assuming I was being stood up. Oh, how I wish I had. As a car peels down the street with a man hanging outside the driver’s side window, I prayed. “Please no. Please please please NO.” The car whips into a parking spot, narrowly missing the car next to it. A man, excuse me, a very, very tiny man jumps out the door and yells across the street at me, “Hey, Kels!”. I tried not to make eye contact, like it wasn’t me. My name surely could NOT be Kels? I looked around behind me, crossing fingers and toes that another woman, any other woman in the world was behind me. Nope. He came running up the restaurant stairs to me. This very tiny man said hello again. I politely said hello as I stepped back. It’s amazing how different one can look in an online photograph. Just.Fucking.Amazing.
Now, I would like to think that I am not vain. I have met people who are not as good looking as they seem because they have an awful personality and also men who are just ok and their personality makes them look way better. Either way, I don’t like to be lied to. Bottom line. If your pictures show that you are jacked and have hair and look about 20 and your profile says you’re 5’8″, then you should NOT be looking me in the eye at a mere 5’2″. You also should not have a combover or weigh less than me.  I’m sorry, but this is lying.  If you will lie about how you look, what else will you lie about?
I took a deep breath and tried to pull all the positive thoughts from deep in the abyss of my brain. I’ve already got a babysitter. I’m kid less for a few hours. The weather is nice. I can enjoy a meal out without being interrupted, therefore eating an entire meal while it is still hot. Okay, these were the positives…
Well, I would rather cut up my kids food and go to the bathroom 15 times and pull the boys apart from wrestling in the middle of the floor any.fucking.day. than be here now with this man. Ugh. I’m pretty sure he forgot his meds. He’s all over the place. Hands flailing, talking so fast and loud that I have no clue what he is telling me about. I nod and smile and order a drink. The drink comes and he just won’t shut up. The food comes and I really have no appetite.  If he calls me “Kels” one more time, I’m going to throw my chicken at him. I politely excuse myself to the bathroom. I call my Out right away. She gets it. This online shit is for the birds. You always need an Out, that one friend that will help you bail when you just can’t take it anymore. I have my girl, my Out and she is ready to help.
I sit back down to dinner and try to make small talk, but, honestly, this man doesn’t even know what my voice sounds like. However, the entire place knows he’s there! Ugh. Double.Ugh. My phone rings! Oh HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!! What’s that? Oh, no! I’m sorry, but my kid just won’t stop crying. He needs me. Yes, I do understand that my sitter can probably handle him. (Asshole). But he must be sick and my kids always come first (THANK YOU GOD FOR THOSE LITTLE SHITS!) So, I must go. RIGHT.NOW. I’m so sorry. Yes! Of course, I was having a blast too! Yes, very very disappointed.  Oh we will DEFINITELY  (never) do this again! Here’s some cash…Again, so sorry! GOTTA GO! Yup, sure call you tomorrow  (as long as tomorrow is never)! Ok, bye!
….Welcome to the world of dating….

As a gemini, I have been told before that I fit the “multiple personalities” bill. I believe this is a good thing considering all of the hats that I need to wear on any given day to make life happen for my family and me.  However, my son and I had a conversation about me being cloned. Now if that could happen, it would be way easier on my brain and my body! I might be able to think less and sleep more! The monkey banging the cymbals in my head could just finally take an effing break! Here are the clones we decided I need.

1. The Cleaning Clone

This clone would have the sole job of cleaning every room in the house, decluttering, and organizing on a regular basis. Most days, my house looks like a twister went through. Oh wait, it did! In the form of FOUR kids! We all know the drill. We clean one room spotless and feel so good about it and become excited about the time we will now have for other things. Then, we walk out of that room to see that, while we were cleaning there, the kids were pretty much shitting up the rest of the house. Now, I gotta say its great to hear people say, “Oh you just gotta keep on them!” BAHAHAHA!!! To them, I lift a huge middle finger and mentally give them a punch in the throat. You see, anyone that truly knows children, knows that it is a constant battle to get them to pick up! Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I just don’t want to scream anymore! I feel like I spend 90% of my children’s lives reminding them to pick up their shit! Its exhausting! Many times, no matter how clean or disgusting your house is, you need to just go to the playground or snuggle and watch a movie and let it all go to shit! This brings me to clone #2.

2. The Play Clone

OMG uninterrupted time with my children doing fun stuff and not thinking about anything else, but being there right then?!? Now THAT is an amazing feeling! My Play Clone needs to take the kids to the movies, the bike path, kick a ball around outside, read more books on the hammock, and all the other things I really want to spend my whole day doing! They are only young once! I spend too much time feeling like I’m missing out on the fun stuff with them because of all the “other” stuff that needs to be done. This is the single most frustrating thing I would change if i could!

3. The Paperwork Clone

Bills, health insurance paperwork, permission slips…they all keep piling up! Just when I sit down for a couple of hours and make a dent, the mail comes! Lo and behold, there’s more! It never ends! Taking care of the paperwork that goes into raising a family is nothing less than a full-time job in and of itself!

4. The Errand Clone

This chick would be hitting the post office, the bank, the dry cleaners, the grocery store, town hall, Walmart, Home Depot, and all the other places that are on my mile long to-do list of shit that I’ve been meaning to get to! If I get a chance in between home-schooling my son and cleaning to run any errands, the list is never completely finished before we are heading off to after school activities.  I have things in the back of my car that I claimed I would drop off somewhere 7 months ago!

5. The Teacher Clone

I love home schooling. I was blessed to do it with my daughters for 6 years. I am now doing it with my son for 1st grade. The difference between then and now is…..drum roll please…all the fucking hats I wear! And know what? There are people out there that will read this and think, “Gee, everyone is busy. It is what it is. Just deal with it or put him in school.” Trust me, I have met these people. To them, I again shoot the middle finger.  Guess what? If you are reading this and you are a single mom or dad with multiple children and you are making it all work, then I am truly happy for you! However, I’m comimg up on 2 years being widowed and I have NOT gotten my shit together yet. It is not from lack of trying either. I know I will get there. If you think you could be one of my clones, then by all means…. When it comes to my children, I want whats best for them. I believe home schooling is still best for my 1st grader for several reasons that would be another blog entry entirely! So…a teacher clone would be great. Watching our children learn and hit milestones like reading and mastering subtraction are truly exciting parts of my life!

6. The Chauffeur Clone

Luckily, I have a great dad who helps me carpool my kids where they need to be, but it would be awesome to just have a taxi waiting outside for their convenience! Gymnastics, cheerleading, football, ccd, school, school activities, time with friends….enough said.

7. The Writer Clone

I love writing! I need to squeeze time in at weird hours in order to get it done now. I need to do a little here and a little there. The thing about writing though is that, once you start and get on a roll, you don’t want to stop! I am in the process of writing a book. I have a goal to finish it this year. I will make it work with a little time here and a little time there because that’s just how it needs to happen! Oh, but having hours at a time to write? Yes, I need this clone!

8. The Traveling Clone

I love to travel. Whether it be local or not, travel is the best form of education and memories that I have ever experienced.  I’m not just referring to vacationing in tropical places either. I want to see things I have never seen and meet new people from different cultures and learn about them. I want to give my children these experiences as well!

9. The Money Making Clone

Well…duh?!? We can all use more, especially if I need to fund my traveling clone! Haha.

10. The Me-Time Clone

Working out, reading a book, going out for dinner, chatting with a friend over coffee, going to see a movie…these are all on my list of the things I enjoy that keep me semi sane. We all need some down time. I am a better person when I fit it in somewhere in my day or my week.

Each day, I juggle these jobs and more, just like we all do! I know I’m not alone! One of the reasons I write these entries is because I know others can relate. It makes me feel better when I read something and can say, “Yes! I know what you mean! ME TOO!” I hope someone reads this and feels better knowing that life is crazy for all of us. I do believe we just need to do the best we can.  Eventually, it all really does get done.  I also believe that we need to remember what is important and count our blessings. I am guilty of doing something because I think it needs to be done that instant, instead of taking 10 minutes out to read with my kids and just take a break. I am working on this. I need to remind myself that the dishes in the sink don’t matter, and neither do the crumbs on my floor. It matters that my kids laugh and know that I love them. It matters that I do what I know I need to be happy inside and take care of myself.  So, I suppose I would benefit if I had 10 of me, but, seeing as I’m pretty sure the world couldn’t handle it, I will just continue to do the best I can. Multi-task on my friends, multi-task on….

I went away for one night over a weekend last year. It is the only time I have ever been away from my kids for an overnight.  The next afternoon, in the kitchen, my 9 year old said to me, “Mom, why are you being so nice to us today?”

Wow. What a wake up call! And it should NOT have come as a surprise. You take a burnt out, 24/7 single mom of 4 and get her a night off and she comes back refreshed?!? Wow! What a revelation!

When we board a plane, before take-off, they always give us the oxygen mask speech. They always tell us to put our mask on before helping others, including our own children. If we don’t, then we will pass out and not be any good to anyone! TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES IS LIKE PUTTING OUR MASKS ON FIRST!

Unfortunately, society gives out quite mixed messages. We hear how awesome it is that women can “do it all”. They can work, take care of children, take care of a house, etc… Then we are told to make sure we are taking care of ourselves and being good to ourselves and taking some time out to do things we enjoy.  Then there’s the “mom guilt” that comes alomg with every single thing we do or say. Moms(and dads!), especially single ones with their kids all the time CANNOT do it all. WE CANNOT.  Something’s gotta give. It seems that in most situations, it’s us and our sanity and our mental and physical health! Why do we feel selfish when we do something that puts us first? What we are doing is becoming a better parent, friend, and person! We are teaching our children an important lesson in self-care.

I believe we need to put our oxygen masks on first! We are no good to our children if we don’t! We are not being selfish! Think of all we do for our children!  We have them in every activity we can find.  We cart them across towns and states for sports. We make sure they are clothed and fed. We make sure they see their friends. We do this and laundry, dishes, floors, bills, and keeping cars and yards maintained!  This is not all possible for one person to do! I decided something was going to give at my house and it can’t be me. Laundry can wait. I can let my kids entertain themselves.  I can get a babysitter.  I need my time, my outlet. I need to take breaks. Call me selfish. I need to run. I need to workout. I need to go out with my friends and others I care about. My children are not going to break if they are left alone for an hour or two while I run or take an exercise class.  Independent children are a good thing! They will be ok if they do not have me entertaining them.  They will be ok if they are trusted to not kill one another because Mommy needs to get herself a little break. This morning I needed to run. I knew I needed to run. Every kid needed something from me. Every.Single.One.  It took me 3 hours from when I woke up to get my ass out the door and run, but I did it. And it was all ok. I put myself…FIRST (gasp!) for 2 hours out of 24. Nothing bad happened! The only result is that I feel really good and got some stress out!  I love my children, obviously, and I made sure they all had what they needed before I left.  I’m so grateful, especially after losing loved ones, that we have each other.  We are a very close family and that’s a great thing.  I’m still a 24/7 single mom though and that’s a tough thing to be. I have learned to do things for myself and my sanity. At this point I can see the burn out and I’m barely keeping it at bay.  I’m pretty sure I could use at least a week away to refresh my batteries, but ironically I wouldn’t do that because I certainly would miss those little shits too much to enjoy it! I would take one night again though in a heartbeat!  According to my kids, I’ll be a nicer mom for it!