My seven year old cooks the best scrambled eggs I have ever eaten. This is not an exaggeration.  He found a combination of herbs he adds to them to make them quite savory and they just melt in your mouth.  Is he a prodigy? Is he a genius? Well, we are all a bit biased when it comes to our own children, so I think he is perfect. However, the reason he can do this is because of one reason and one reason alone.

I let him try.

It’s that simple. I’ve always encouraged my children to cook with me in any way they were able to at any given age. They all love to cook. I wasn’t afraid of the messes they were going to make. I wasn’t afraid of them messing something up or making it taste funny. I let them try. I let them do what they think is best when it comes to what they are cooking. We have had many messes and some disastrous outcomes that nobody wanted to eat. We have also had quite a few laughs about it and they have learned from their mistakes. Just as in all of life, we all need to make our own mistakes and do it better the next time.  When my son was 3 he learned to crack an egg. By the time he was 5 he was making over easy eggs for himself every morning.  He was taught how to use the stove. He knows safety because I taught him. He knows how to use a knife because I taught him. He tells us which burner he used so we all know which one is still hot. He let’s his 3 year old brother mix things and gets him excited to help as well. His expertise has widened from just eggs. He makes a great chicken soup and some mean guacamole as well as a few other specialties.  He’s not the only one who has these skills. For years now, I’ll smell something yummy when I wake up on a Saturday morning, walk downstairs, and my 11 year old is taking a cake or some other concoction out of the oven. We are still working on the clean up part, but she certainly has become awesome at making things from scratch! My 10 year old loves to decorate cakes and cupcakes. She enjoys making unique treats and made us some amazing whoopee pies not too long ago.

My friends have seen my kids cook and comment on how crazy it is that they do it at such a young age and without my help. Like I said, I let them try.  Too many parents seem to do everything for their kids, as if their kids are going to break or somehow be too fragile to put in the effort themselves. We all need to let them try! And not just in the kitchen!

The world is so concerned with reading, math, science, social studies, technology, etc. I’m on my 7th year home schooling. I’ve taught my children all of those things, but I’ve also paid attention to life skills. My children know how to use the washer and dryer. They unload and load the dishwasher. They take out the trash. They sweep the floor. The older children help feed and dress the baby. I let them take off on their bikes around the neighborhood together. I love that they explore.  They know the rules. They know about safety and emergencies.  We are fortunate to know our neighbors.

Yes, my children have sat down and had to memorize facts and written out worksheets. But they also know how to count money back at a grocery store. They learned science and math and reading from cooking! I was so excited when my 10 year old came home from school and told me that they were doing fractions and it was so easy. She said some other kids were having trouble, but she just remembered what she learned from measuring when we cook! I want my kids to be safe. so I teach them how. I want my kids to learn independence, so I give them some in an age appropriate way. I want my kids to learn to be self sufficient, so they must help out around the house and practice life skills everyday.  It is definitely not always pretty.  Getting kids to do chores can really suck. I just persist. I don’t back down. I don’t give in.  I talk to my kids about the importance of being a team. We all need to work together in order for our household to run smoothly.  It not only helps them to learn and grow into responsible adults, but it helps me too!

Being single, I have met grown men who send their laundry out, who have their mommies clean their houses, who can’t even boil water for pasta, and even men who are extremely book smart, but have no social skills!  Meanwhile, my 2 middle kids are fighting over who gets to have the “magic wand” (aka clorox toilet wand) to clean the toilets! And to their future spouses I say, “YOUR WELCOME”!

 

I notice sometimes people are surprised to know I still have very many friends from my childhood. I also make it a point to keep in touch with my friends and, in the midst of our busy lives, we do try to get together once in a while as well. The same way people are surprised that I’ve kept these friends for, in some cases, 35 years, I’m surprised that they have not. Now, friends in any capacity are great. I’m a true believer in surrounding yourself with good people. I also have made some wonderful friends at each different stage in my life, including the present. I have some amazing people I am blessed to call my friends that I have only known just a few years. I just still do not understand how some people don’t keep in contact with their childhood friends.

In my case, I don’t believe there are any people better equipped to know and understand and accept me than my childhood friends. They have seen me at my worst and at my best. They have seen my awkward stage…or years. They know what I look like with a mullet. They remember when I was fat. They remember me before the contact lenses. They still love me!

We know each other’s entire families for better or worse. We still remember each other’s phone numbers.  We knew each other’s pets. We drove in each others cars. We were taken together on family vacations and crazy road trips. We were there for everyone’s first kiss, first crush, first heartbreak, first school dance, graduations, proms, parties, and also for the first devastating losses.

Our parents were by default parents to each kid that walked into their house. They stuck by us and fed us and put up with all of our drama. Mom and Dad were Mom and Dad no matter who they belonged to. When my mom was diagnosed with leukemia and died 3 months later, my friends showed up at my door with mint chocolate chip ice cream and jimmies from Friendly’s.  This is something I will never forget and always appreciate and love about them. Nothing could be said or done to bring my mom back, but these people did what we had always done to cheer each other up. What seems trite to some spoke volumes to me. We still know ice cream can make you feel even better than booze sometimes. Not alot of people get that, but my best friends do.

As adults we have learned that life changes rather quickly and that it’s not going to stop changing. Some changes are good and some changes not. Old friends knew us before all these changes. They knew us at a time when we could just have fun without many of the stressors that we encounter as adults. Spending time with these friends takes me back to when things seemed so simple.  And they were. I need my friends. I will always need my friends. They make me laugh and wipe my tears and remind me of who I really am under the stress that sometimes can overwhelm us all.  They also remind me of my hopes and dreams and of who I want to be and of what I want to accomplish. They support me and they never judge me or my actions or my decisions.  It’s an unconditional love. It is a love like no other love and I am grateful to have this in my life.

I’m a competitive mom. Yup. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m competitive at heart. It probably stems from my mom and dad and growing up playing rummy, scrabble, cribbage, and anything else that brought on a little friendly competition. Okay, well we called it “friendly”. When we won, we gloated. When we lost, we were teased. But it really all was in fun and it made me really enjoy the winning part, but still have fun either way. I also learned that I wasn’t going to always win and that nobody would just let me either. I needed to practice and learn more to get better at whatever I wanted to win at..(btw..a lesson missed on all these kids today that get a trophy for participating!)

So, now I’m a mom and I still like to win. The thing is, I’m not JUST a mom. I’m a Sports Mom. I’m a Sports Mom that likes to see my kids do well, and yes, win. I have learned that getting better is important and I know full well that in the end we are only competing against ourselves. We should always strive to be better than we were yesterday in sports and in life. I see my kids compete. The boys are still young and looking at the sky or the grass while the ball is flying right at them. My girls, however, are outright, full-fledged, in the throws of competing.  They go to practice and have fun with their friends and once in a while get frustrated, but, for the most part, they don’t care. They do their thing. And that makes me happy for them. Seriously.  I’m truly proud of them no matter the outcome, always. There’s just that piece inside of me… that obnoxious, annoying piece…

They have a crazy mama at those comps that is a mess inside!!!! When one falls off the beam on her cartwheel or misses her second back handspring on her floor routine, I’m screaming inside. When one misses something in the air or is a bit behind on a dance routine, I cringe. Right before the girls are about to compete, I’m sweating. My heart is racing. I might puke. I watch holding my breath. I’m a complete and utter idiot inside and I know it. I remind myself that neither of them is going to the Olympics. This is for fun and to stay active and they are both doing great.  I get it, but my brain resists! It takes me time to unwind after watching a routine, no matter how they do!  Yet, no matter what, they look happy as clams!  I always say, “Great Job!” and high-five or give them a thumbs up from afar. Still, inside I want to scream!! If they do awesome, I want to jump up and down and run up and grab them and celebrate. If they miss something or fall, I want to squeeze them and comfort them assuming they must be crushed! Their nonchalant look drives me crazy! I know it’s what we want. I know it’s humble and good sportsmanship and, if they weren’t like that, I’d probably need to have a talk with them lol.  Still, drives a mom like me crazy!  I can’t be the only one like this….surely I can’t.  I know there are more like me, but you just won’t admit it. Everyone wants to be nice, so damn nice. Well, admit it, like me.  We can both be competitive and obnoxious and I’ll still love you.  Come over and see who wins at air hockey or rummy or scrabble.  I’ll still be your friend if you beat me…just as long as you bring the Xanax to my kids next competition.

Tonight my daughter and I got our “15 minutes of fame”.  She has an autoimmune disorder and her body attacks itself. This means her body creates antibodies against her own blood cells, killing her platelets (clotting cells) and red blood cells (oxygen and energy carriers).  This has made her dependent on platelet transfusions weekly and red blood cells transfusions every 3-4 weeks. She has a port which makes it easier on her veins. We travel the hour each week to clinic in Providence and she gets her transfusions. This has been the norm for us since 2012.

Today, the Rhode Island Blood Center had a special event to recruit new donors, especially for platelets.  Along with the help of Dunkin Donuts incentives like giftcards and Patriots tickets, they are kicking off a goal of 1000 new donors this year. They asked my daughter and I to come and speak about how important it is for her to be able to receive platelets and how she is able to be a pretty normal kid and very active because of these wonderful donors. We also met a donor that is there to give platelets every two weeks and 3 people that were in the lab giving while we were there. This was a very special event to be part of and we were grateful to be included and to be able to thank these wonderful people who donate.  The media was there and so we were on television too! Very cool to see my beautiful tween being her rockstar self. Everyone at the blood bank already knew who she was and was excited to put a face with the name.  They treated her like a real celebrity and it definitely has gone to her head! Ha!

Tons of friends contacted me to say they had seen us and our story.  The people who have known us for a while and know us well, gave their thumbs up in one way or another. The people who haven’t known us very long, seem to have a different reaction. People messaged that they feel bad for us or that our story left them heartbroken.  They are missing the point…

Medicine has come far enough to have a process for giving your own blood to another person who needs it and then them being able to receive it and LIVE!! My daughter is able to be a competitive gymnast because she gets platelets. She is able to cheer for her school because she gets platelets.  She is able to do sports because she gets platelets. She is able to LIVE because she gets blood!!

You need perspective in life. We could look at it like it sucks that we have to go to clinic each week. She misses a few hours of school on Thursdays and once every few weeks we have a really long day of transfusions and it’s exhausting for us all. There is no protocol for her except keeping her stable. There is no definitive end to her treatment.  But none of this is what’s important.  SHE IS ALIVE. She can get what she needs because of wonderful blood donors.  She is able to spend as little time as possible at the clinic because of the amazing staff at Hasbro Children’s Hospital in Providence that treat us, and all their patients, like family.  They know we have better places to be and much more fun things we’d rather be doing. While we are there, they have made it so much fun that the kids sometimes don’t want to leave! We have an amazing new group of friends who happen to be the strongest group of parents and kids you’ll ever meet. We know this isn’t the best situation. I live on faith. I’ve learned to live one day at a time and enjoy the fuck out of it all I possibly can and I’m teaching my kids to do the same. As we sit in clinic one day, and mostly one half day, a week, there are plenty of people that have lost their children or other loved ones and they would do anything to trade places with us. Please don’t ever feel bad for us. We have learned how important life is and how important it is to live each day fully. Don’t pity us.  My kids have a trampoline that makes our hematology team cringe, but YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!! Don’t be heartbroken in the least. We know how to have fun and live it up and we do!!

I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that God is good. I do have a strong faith that my daughter will someday get better, hopefully in an “easy” way.  I also know that we all need to keep our lives in perspective. While other children have limited life experiences and activities due to their conditions, my daughter is getting so many amazing opportunities to LIVE her life. She is getting to be mostly “normal” and, just like other tweens, drive me nuts.  While other parents, including my own, have had to bury their children, my daughter is here and LIVING! I get to see her every day. I get to fight with her. I get to kiss her and tuck her in at night. I get to play her in air hockey.  I get to watch her talk to boys and embarrass her. I GET TO BE HER MOM!!  So, please, please don’t ever be heartbroken for us or pity us or feel bad for us. I get down sometimes myself, like we all do, but I know how blessed we are to be together as a family to love one another, to fight, to play, to hug, to cuddle, and to LIVE as amazing a life as we do.

My mother passed away December 23, 2001. I remember every detail of that day and the next. I remember being with her right as she passed. I remember the visitors, my friends not saying a word because there was nothing to say, but just bringing me Friendly’s mint chocolate chip ice cream like any best friends would have done.  I remember needing to have a Christmas tree up and decorated, for her. I remember my brother and I and two of our friends going to pick one out. It was more important to me than anyone could understand. I don’t think I even truly understood why it was so important to me, but now, 15 years later, I do.

My mother loved Christmas.  She gave me a love for the holiday that I will always cherish and hand down to my own children.  She shopped early, we listened to Christmas music together in the car by the end of September, and she always had her wonderful Christmas party. Thanksgiving night was more special to me than the entire day because that’s the night we would put out the nativity- our first Christmas decoration up every year.

Christmas eve at church was always my mom and I, usually with my aunt and my cousin.  The men all worked together and had their annual xmas party at the store. I remember her singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” just a bit off key. I loved that song and still do. Christmas eve mass was always something special and I have yet to sit through an entire one since the year she died without crying like a baby at some point.

Christmas morning, I woke up before my siblings every year. My brother was always the last one up and, especially when he was in high school and college, my mom had a rule that we couldn’t wake him up until 9 to open presents. We all had to wait to go into the living room until all three of us were up and ready and my dad had this video camera rolling.  Once everyone was up, we opened our stockings and then went to work on the gifts under the tree.  I don’t really remember the stuff, but I do remember the magic that went along with it all. I can even still see the excitement on my parents faces, awaiting our own expressions.

The memories my mother gave me will always be important, but they are especially precious to me at Christmas time. I know everything happens for a reason. I don’t know why she had to be taken from us so soon, but I do know her passing two days before Christmas was her way of making sure I always keep her memory alive at her favorite time of year. I love every second of this season, celebrating, not just Christmas, but honoring my mom. The smells of her recipes, the stories that I tell my children, and the special homemade decorations that I have that she made are all ways to have her extra close to me at a time I miss her the most.

I believe that when you all of a sudden have something you want to tell someone who is in heaven and you actually have a moment where you want to call them, that it just means they are so close you really could talk to them. It means they are there with you. Two nights ago Hanna, my 9 year old, asked to help me make my mother’s special Christmas bread. I showed her how to knead it and braid it. I walked away and she did one all by herself and it looked amazing. When I told her so, she replied, “Grandma Joan must have been working through my hands and helping me to make it perfect!” I immediately wanted to call her because I knew she would be so proud of the job Hanna did on her first try. Hanna and I both decided that my mom must have been right there beside us, watching, helping, and most definitely proud.

I am so proud of the people that my children are becoming. I get complimented on them often. I know that it would be impossible for me to raise great kids if I wasn’t raised by such great parents. I am so grateful for all they did for me, but I am most grateful for the memories that I will always share.  Fifteen years later and it still takes my breath away. Life isn’t always fair, but we need to accept the ways we are blessed and hold those memories and stories close. Thank you, Mom, for helping to make me who I am and, most definitely for giving me my love of Christmas!

Joan F. Fernandes

January 12, 1939-December 23, 2001

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I LOVE YOU!!

You know the tune….

On the first day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

A hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the second day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

2 pairs of underwear on the couch and       a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the third day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the fourth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the eighth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the ninth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

10 loads of laundry each week, 9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

11 episodes of Paw Patrol, 10 loads of laundry each week, 9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

12 Months a year of LOVE! (even though they can be little assholes), 11 episodes of Paw Patrol, 10 loads of laundry each week, 9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch….AND A HUNK OF POOP UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!

Well I suppose when you write a blog, you need to join the masses and put your “Grateful for…” list out there to the world. I’m pretty much the most grateful person I know. I definitely have tons of reasons to say, “Thank you !”. So here are just a few…

*My kids. They are awesome little shits!

My tween 11 year old drives me crazy in so many ways and I don’t put up with much of her attitude. However, she also spends some time every week at the hospital getting poked and prodded and has been nothing less than a champion in my eyes. Tween/teen years are hard for everyone, but under that sass I have one cool young lady.

I have a quirky 9 year old that won’t put up with anyone’s Bullshit. She’s got looks to kill, which I secretly love if she doesn’t use them on me. She always sees the brightside at the end of her tantrums.

I have a 6 year old son that cooks and cleans. He makes his own eggs, among other specialities. This week while I was running on our treadmill, he made chicken soup from scratch all by himself and did one heck of a job. He said he thought it would make a good lunch!

I have a sweet, stubborn, independent 3 year old that climbs in my lap and smiles and makes me forget that he just spilled a gallon of apple juice on the couch.

*Pubby. That’s what my kids call my dad. If he didn’t help drive my kids around, I don’t know what I would do. We would never have a home cooked meal since they have something nearly every night. And they would never have a normal bedtime. Siblings would be dragged everywhere and I know they are starting to hate that too. He does so much more for me and my kids, but driving just pops into my head because I just can’t be in two spots at once!

*Friends. Shit, I’m spoiled. I know it. I am so grateful. I know they don’t want anything in return, but when I win the lottery I am sharing!!

*My Jeep. Sure, it sounds materialistic, but it’s more of a symbol for me of just so much. My friends know. I know they get it. It’s me. It’s a part of who I am and always will be and it represents a link to the past and who I’m becoming as I’m still learning on this crazy ride called life.

*Last, but definitely not least, I am ever so grateful that Thanksgiving is done and I will have less friends that complain when I’m all about spreading my Christmas cheer!! So no more Bah Humbug…let the Holiday season begin!!

It’s dark out. It’s not even 5 effing o’clock and it’s dark out.  Oh it’s also 42 degrees out and dark. Did I mention it’s already DARK?? I’ve already eaten dinner for Pete’s sake and not even to get an early bird special!! It just felt like I should eat because it was getting DARK. Ugh. (This must be why we all get fat in the winter.) So, not sure you remember, but about 8 weeks ago we were still going to the beach. It was sunny there. Actually, it was still sunny there MUCH later than 5 effing o’clock! As the fall has hit and now the colder weather, anyone like me is screwed. I hate winter. I hate being cold. I really, really miss the hot, sweaty sun. My body and brain most definitely miss the vitamin D. By now, whatever amount my body stored is gone. The wonderful vitamin D from the wonderful sun that I spend so much time outside enjoying is now gone. The seasonal depression could set in like it does for so many. Except, it won’t .  It’s not my wonderful, glass full attitude that will ward it off. Its not the counting down until summer returns either. It’s my focus.

Halloween is over. Its November. I don’t care what anyone else decides. For me and my family, the magical, blessed holiday season has begun!! We all need to stop that depression from coming, but how? By celebrating!!  I try to forget that it’s cold and dark and I’m eating too much chocolate. Instead, there’s a new focus….CHRISTMAS!! Or honestly whatever holiday you celebrate!! It’s just a great time to reflect on the many benefits of this season of GIVING!!

Now I hear all of you grinches out there and I know some of you are my bestest friends even!! But stop being grinches!! There’s plenty of times in life you can concentrate on the negative in a situation, but that has never gotten us anywhere,  has it? No! There is nothing wrong with getting really excited about a time of year you love and sharing that excitement with people you love!

So,here are my top 10 favorite things about the holiday season:

1. Presence. No, not presents, presence. There are parties. Lots of parties. Which means people, people we probably haven’t seen since last year. Now I understand we all know people we aren’t psyched to see and have to anyways, but there are so many people in my own life that I just don’t see enough! I love my family and friends. I think about them more often than they know. Life is so busy, but at the holidays we make time to see each other and I love it!!

2. Elf (and all other Christmas movies!). It doesn’t matter what religion you are…how can you not love Will Farrell and his performance in the movie Elf? I could watch this anytime, even July. It will never get old!

3. Good deeds. We should do good deeds all year long, obviously. I do what I can when I can regardless of the season. But, whether it be the media attention or just a feeling in the air, we see more good deeds done during the holiday season than any other time of year. This makes me feel great! I love to see people smiling and the unexpected, wonderful things we can do for one another makes people happy.

4. Gag gifts. Laughing is my favorite. What better way to laugh than to give a loved one a fart in a bag or anal beads in their stocking? Come on, you know it’s funny!

5. “Santa! I know him!” So, I really do…I believe in Santa. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. Most of my friends figured that out years ago. St. Nicholas was a real person a very long time ago. Yes, he has since passed away, but he left a legacy! He left giving to loved ones, strangers, those in need, etc. as a legacy. He left a magic in the air that if you just close your eyes and allow yourself, you’ll feel it too!

6. Christmas lights. Picture Clark’s house in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation when the lights finally work! Yes! I’m with him! You can’t have too many lights! It’s dark and cold out as you pull into your neighborhood, but your house looks so inviting and fun and cozy because it’s all lit up like the 4th of July! Just. Awesome.

7. Food! Omg…we can’t possibly forget the FOOD! I love to cook and bake and entertain! It has always amazed me that a smell or a taste can take you back to a memory. Just close your eyes. My mom handed me down so many wonderful recipes and traditions that I get to share now with my own children and our friends and family. I love when I make something she always made and old friends and family members tell me it’s just like they remember it and it brings them back to our old Christmas parties that my mom used to host. She isn’t here anymore physically, but it’s the best way I know to keep her always in the heart of every Christmas for all of us!

8. Children. If you ever doubt the magic of the holiday season or you need to get a wake up call on its wonder and blessings, just look at a child! Watch them as it gets closer. Yes, they can get off the wall when they get over-stimulated, but they are so stinkin excited! Spend a little time looking at it all through their eyes. It’s contagious!

9. Mail! Who doesn’t love good, old-fashioned snail mail? Seriously, admit it! You run to the mailbox like a kid everyday and can’t wait to see something that’s not a bill! It’s a card that’s tell you to have a great holiday and a wonderful new year! Isn’t that thoughtful? Yes! And the pictures! I love the pictures! I love seeing everyone getting so big and I love seeing the families and the single people with their dogs even! It’s all good! You are on many people’s card sending lists…now send them yourself! Don’t act like it’s a pain, just do it and make other people smile because you gave them fun mail!

10. Christmas Music! There are very few genres of music that can be sung by several generations and everyone knows the words! Unless you’re singing twisted carols, they are appropriate and clean and send fun, playful, and sweet messages. If you are listening to the twisted carols, well sometimes that’s even better! Who doesn’t enjoy a good parody? The past 3 years my children and I have gone caroling in our neighborhood with our friends. It is so much fun! I highly recommend everyone at some point in time get over yourself and just go outside and sing! Who cares what you sound like? Christmas carols are for everyone!

So, there you go! These are great reasons to embrace the holiday season! Of course, you don’t have to get into it yet if you don’t want to, but then you can’t escape my Facebook posts on your newsfeed! Plus, I know you really love me no matter how crazy you think I am.

This post is written from excerpts of an essay I wrote about my brother back when I was in college. It is fitting for me to post this now. He passed away 13 years ago today and it still takes my breath away to think of how much I miss him.

I was not an easy child. Detachment was always a problem. Looking back,  I am surprised that I never drove my mother to drink. I do not remember a specific first day of school. What I do remember are two years of violent temper tantrums. When I was a first grader at Elizabeth Pole Elementary School, my brother, Mike, was in 5th grade. The teachers would pull him out of his classroom to come calm me down when I had one of my fits. It was reassuring to me to have him there.

My teacher was about nine feet tall. She believed in toughening children up right from the start. We were afraid of her ruler and her threat to “shake us up” if we behaved badly. One would think that this fear would subside upon beginning second grade in Ms. O’Brien’s room. After all, she was only 4 feet tall! However, second grade was worse than I could have imagined. My brother was now at a new school. I was on my own! I may have been scared as a child, but I still had guts for a seven year old.  We used to walk to school.  It didn’t take me long to realize that I could just walk back home before I reached the schools front door. I would watch my friends go to their classes. Then, I would turn around and be gone. Oh, to see my mother’s face when I walked back into the door just a few minutes after I had left!

Looking back, the most frightening thing about second grade was being without my brother. By having my brother close by, I was calmed.

I didn’t really overcome my Detachment issues as I aged. When it was time to go away to college, I was excited and a little nervous, as any eighteen years old would be. I chose to go away to the University of Connecticut.  It took me about a month to realize that this being away from home thing was not all it was cracked up to be. Now, twelve years later, I would rely on the comfort of my brother again. Of course the phone bill was tremendous, as cell phone service was quite different in 1994 as it is now and he was going to college in Virginia at the time. As in first grade, I called on him to make my experience easier. I trusted my big brother’should advice.  I called him when I wanted to know what mixed best with vodka. Then, I called him when I wanted to know what to do about my hangover. I also called him when I was homesick and crying and I did not want to worry my mom and dad.

When we are upset, overwhelmed, scared, sad ,etc., we call on those we trust and love to help us through. Mike and I fought alot as kids, but we also loved each other very much and when push came to shove I knew he would always help out his little sister.  Losing him was so difficult in many ways, but I definitely miss what we didn’t get to have together the most. I didn’t get to see him at my wedding. I didn’t get to see him hold my babies. I know he would have been the coolest uncle ever and it really sucks that my kids don’t have him in their lives. Most of all, I miss that positive support I know he would have given me through the tough times. We talk about him all the time, especially the funny stories because there are so many! I also see him reflected in alot of ways in my kids. His quirky personality traits come through here and there and I know he is getting a good laugh over it. I may not have him physically by my side,  but I know he is always with my dad, my kids, and me. And, the odds are, he’s probably farting.

Love you Michael David Fernandes, February 5, 1972- October 10, 2003

 

The term “let it go” might be a little different from person to person, but the concept is the same. When some people let things go, they just remind themselves that it’s life and they need to roll with the punches.  Some people do some partying and try to forget about what they can’t change. Then others,  like myself, let it go by giving the ‘it’ to God. I take a deep breath, let it out and try to imagine God removing the stress and weight from my shoulders and literally taking it away. In any account, in order to let something go, we need to believe that we are not in control of all things whether or not you believe in God or the universe or karma or whatever. Focusing only on changing what we can control and working on controlling our reaction over situations we can’t is key to letting things go.

I really think letting things go has got to be the hardest, yet most rewarding thing we can do next to becoming a parent. When you become a parent you understand that it really is the toughest job you’ll ever love. As we go through life, I’m certain the same can be said for just letting go.

This is also one of those things that is definitely easier said than done! I don’t believe anyone could ever do it 100% of the time and in every situation. I am getting better at it as life goes on, but some times are way harder than others! Let’s take, for example, this week. It has been no less than challenging and my patience for a challenge has worn thin. Oh, and it’s only Wednesday!

So, here’s what I do (after I whine to my best friends, visit pity party land, then return to what I still know is my blessed life).  I take each situation separately because all the shit little things that seem to happen all at once are overwhelming,  but easier to reason one by one. Then I do just that…I reason with myself.

The power went out and when it came back on my computer and four of my lights wouldn’t work. One of the lights was in the kitchen so my children had to make school lunches by my phone light. The next day they all started working again 15 minutes before the electrician showed up! So…did I do anything to cause this situation? Nope. Did we check all the fuses? Yup. Could I control this? Nope. Now, let’s look at the good. Did you see how I said, “MY CHILDREN had to make school lunches by my phone light”? Yes! That’s right! I did NOT need to make their lunches because my girls, grades 4 and 6 are perfectly capable of making their own and they do! I know for a fact some of my friends would pay good money not to make lunches every.single. night.  And the electrician didn’t charge for coming out because he just had to tighten a few wires!

Same night…Hanna says, “What are those little black things jumping on Cocoa’s legs?” The dog has fleas.  Awesome. My fault? Again, nope. Can I fix this at 9pm? Negative.  The next day I call the groomer who takes her for a flea bath. Meanwhile, I start cleaning my house at 7am. Stripping things,  scrubbing things, vacuuming things. Between picking kids up and dinner I finish cleaning duties at 8pm. I’m exhausted and want to roll up in a ball and cry. But….I was able to clean out the playroom and get rid of a huge bin and trash bag worth of crap my kids don’t play with anymore while the 4th grader is at school and can’t protest. My living room is spotless, cleaner than its been in months! Oh, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the help of my amazing 6 year old. Yes, be jealous again…I have a 6 year old boy who cleans and helps his mama! Talk about being blessed! I had been wanting to get to that for a while, so, at the end of the day the dog and the house are clean! (The children…not so much, but baths can wait til morning sometimes!)

So, here’s the toughest one to turn around, but if anyone can do it, I can. This morning I get a phone call from school that my daughter who is transfusion dependent on platelets has a nosebleed. Ugh. I had just stepped out of the shower,  2 year old not dressed and hungry, and my head spinning. I make it out of the house in 17 minutes (which, if you know me, is amazing). I get to the school and I know she is shaken, but my amazing kid is only showing her brave face. I can see the look in her eyes though. I’m her mom. I know her. I smile and rub her back and she tells me she has a blood clot stuck in her throat. We get the bucket and call the hospital to let them know we will be there in 45 minutes for platelets because chances are it won’t stop bleeding until she gets them. She starts throwing up blood clots on the way to Providence and crying about how much her tummy hurts. We get about 25 minutes away and we see the bumper to bumper traffic not.moving.at.all. I pop the address into the GPS to see what’s going on. A rollover and 25 minute delay. Ugh again. The GPS tells me to exit and the map shows me going through a city to get back on the highway at an exit right after the accident. I take the back roads and get to the on ramp for the highway to see it is closed due to the rollover happening where the ramp meets the highway! So I need to drive back around the other way to get back on the highway and then I drive like a complete ass in the breakdown lane and cut people off knowing they’d understand and do it too if it were their own kid. We get through it and finally to the clinic. Platelets are ready. My poor girl has a yucky tummy and her nose is still bleeding. In total it bleeds for 3 1/2 hours. She is scared to even check the tissue to see if it stopped, but finally does and we are able to head home after a 7 hour total trip.  On the way home, 6 year old Brody says, “Mom, don’t you wish we never had to go to Hasbro?” Well, that made me think! This was my answer. I am eternally grateful that science has come so far as to be able to give Joni red blood cells and platelets when she needs them. Without them, she wouldn’t be here. But, she is. And she is thriving. She competes in gymnastics and practices 9 hours a week. She loves gym and is an excellent student. She loves her family and her friends. She has fun and we are so blessed to be able to be a part of it all. Without the staff at the hospital that does everything and anything we need and goes above and beyond for us, we would be in a much worse situation as well. By going there, we have become friends with some of the most wonderful, caring women and men on earth. If we hadn’t gone today, we also wouldn’t have run into some of our best friends. We got to have an impromptu visit with friends we don’t get to see too often. What a surprise blessing!

Ok, so there it is. I reasoned.  Now I can let it go. Like I said,  it’s not always easy, but totally worth it. I couldn’t control any of these situations, but it is now in the past and done. It is what it is and tomorrow is another day. Think about what’s weighing you down.  Can you control it? Can you change it? If the answer is NO, then just LET IT GO!  If I can do this, so can you!