It’s dark out. It’s not even 5 effing o’clock and it’s dark out.  Oh it’s also 42 degrees out and dark. Did I mention it’s already DARK?? I’ve already eaten dinner for Pete’s sake and not even to get an early bird special!! It just felt like I should eat because it was getting DARK. Ugh. (This must be why we all get fat in the winter.) So, not sure you remember, but about 8 weeks ago we were still going to the beach. It was sunny there. Actually, it was still sunny there MUCH later than 5 effing o’clock! As the fall has hit and now the colder weather, anyone like me is screwed. I hate winter. I hate being cold. I really, really miss the hot, sweaty sun. My body and brain most definitely miss the vitamin D. By now, whatever amount my body stored is gone. The wonderful vitamin D from the wonderful sun that I spend so much time outside enjoying is now gone. The seasonal depression could set in like it does for so many. Except, it won’t .  It’s not my wonderful, glass full attitude that will ward it off. Its not the counting down until summer returns either. It’s my focus.

Halloween is over. Its November. I don’t care what anyone else decides. For me and my family, the magical, blessed holiday season has begun!! We all need to stop that depression from coming, but how? By celebrating!!  I try to forget that it’s cold and dark and I’m eating too much chocolate. Instead, there’s a new focus….CHRISTMAS!! Or honestly whatever holiday you celebrate!! It’s just a great time to reflect on the many benefits of this season of GIVING!!

Now I hear all of you grinches out there and I know some of you are my bestest friends even!! But stop being grinches!! There’s plenty of times in life you can concentrate on the negative in a situation, but that has never gotten us anywhere,  has it? No! There is nothing wrong with getting really excited about a time of year you love and sharing that excitement with people you love!

So,here are my top 10 favorite things about the holiday season:

1. Presence. No, not presents, presence. There are parties. Lots of parties. Which means people, people we probably haven’t seen since last year. Now I understand we all know people we aren’t psyched to see and have to anyways, but there are so many people in my own life that I just don’t see enough! I love my family and friends. I think about them more often than they know. Life is so busy, but at the holidays we make time to see each other and I love it!!

2. Elf (and all other Christmas movies!). It doesn’t matter what religion you are…how can you not love Will Farrell and his performance in the movie Elf? I could watch this anytime, even July. It will never get old!

3. Good deeds. We should do good deeds all year long, obviously. I do what I can when I can regardless of the season. But, whether it be the media attention or just a feeling in the air, we see more good deeds done during the holiday season than any other time of year. This makes me feel great! I love to see people smiling and the unexpected, wonderful things we can do for one another makes people happy.

4. Gag gifts. Laughing is my favorite. What better way to laugh than to give a loved one a fart in a bag or anal beads in their stocking? Come on, you know it’s funny!

5. “Santa! I know him!” So, I really do…I believe in Santa. I don’t care if you think I’m crazy. Most of my friends figured that out years ago. St. Nicholas was a real person a very long time ago. Yes, he has since passed away, but he left a legacy! He left giving to loved ones, strangers, those in need, etc. as a legacy. He left a magic in the air that if you just close your eyes and allow yourself, you’ll feel it too!

6. Christmas lights. Picture Clark’s house in National Lampoons Christmas Vacation when the lights finally work! Yes! I’m with him! You can’t have too many lights! It’s dark and cold out as you pull into your neighborhood, but your house looks so inviting and fun and cozy because it’s all lit up like the 4th of July! Just. Awesome.

7. Food! Omg…we can’t possibly forget the FOOD! I love to cook and bake and entertain! It has always amazed me that a smell or a taste can take you back to a memory. Just close your eyes. My mom handed me down so many wonderful recipes and traditions that I get to share now with my own children and our friends and family. I love when I make something she always made and old friends and family members tell me it’s just like they remember it and it brings them back to our old Christmas parties that my mom used to host. She isn’t here anymore physically, but it’s the best way I know to keep her always in the heart of every Christmas for all of us!

8. Children. If you ever doubt the magic of the holiday season or you need to get a wake up call on its wonder and blessings, just look at a child! Watch them as it gets closer. Yes, they can get off the wall when they get over-stimulated, but they are so stinkin excited! Spend a little time looking at it all through their eyes. It’s contagious!

9. Mail! Who doesn’t love good, old-fashioned snail mail? Seriously, admit it! You run to the mailbox like a kid everyday and can’t wait to see something that’s not a bill! It’s a card that’s tell you to have a great holiday and a wonderful new year! Isn’t that thoughtful? Yes! And the pictures! I love the pictures! I love seeing everyone getting so big and I love seeing the families and the single people with their dogs even! It’s all good! You are on many people’s card sending lists…now send them yourself! Don’t act like it’s a pain, just do it and make other people smile because you gave them fun mail!

10. Christmas Music! There are very few genres of music that can be sung by several generations and everyone knows the words! Unless you’re singing twisted carols, they are appropriate and clean and send fun, playful, and sweet messages. If you are listening to the twisted carols, well sometimes that’s even better! Who doesn’t enjoy a good parody? The past 3 years my children and I have gone caroling in our neighborhood with our friends. It is so much fun! I highly recommend everyone at some point in time get over yourself and just go outside and sing! Who cares what you sound like? Christmas carols are for everyone!

So, there you go! These are great reasons to embrace the holiday season! Of course, you don’t have to get into it yet if you don’t want to, but then you can’t escape my Facebook posts on your newsfeed! Plus, I know you really love me no matter how crazy you think I am.

This post is written from excerpts of an essay I wrote about my brother back when I was in college. It is fitting for me to post this now. He passed away 13 years ago today and it still takes my breath away to think of how much I miss him.

I was not an easy child. Detachment was always a problem. Looking back,  I am surprised that I never drove my mother to drink. I do not remember a specific first day of school. What I do remember are two years of violent temper tantrums. When I was a first grader at Elizabeth Pole Elementary School, my brother, Mike, was in 5th grade. The teachers would pull him out of his classroom to come calm me down when I had one of my fits. It was reassuring to me to have him there.

My teacher was about nine feet tall. She believed in toughening children up right from the start. We were afraid of her ruler and her threat to “shake us up” if we behaved badly. One would think that this fear would subside upon beginning second grade in Ms. O’Brien’s room. After all, she was only 4 feet tall! However, second grade was worse than I could have imagined. My brother was now at a new school. I was on my own! I may have been scared as a child, but I still had guts for a seven year old.  We used to walk to school.  It didn’t take me long to realize that I could just walk back home before I reached the schools front door. I would watch my friends go to their classes. Then, I would turn around and be gone. Oh, to see my mother’s face when I walked back into the door just a few minutes after I had left!

Looking back, the most frightening thing about second grade was being without my brother. By having my brother close by, I was calmed.

I didn’t really overcome my Detachment issues as I aged. When it was time to go away to college, I was excited and a little nervous, as any eighteen years old would be. I chose to go away to the University of Connecticut.  It took me about a month to realize that this being away from home thing was not all it was cracked up to be. Now, twelve years later, I would rely on the comfort of my brother again. Of course the phone bill was tremendous, as cell phone service was quite different in 1994 as it is now and he was going to college in Virginia at the time. As in first grade, I called on him to make my experience easier. I trusted my big brother’should advice.  I called him when I wanted to know what mixed best with vodka. Then, I called him when I wanted to know what to do about my hangover. I also called him when I was homesick and crying and I did not want to worry my mom and dad.

When we are upset, overwhelmed, scared, sad ,etc., we call on those we trust and love to help us through. Mike and I fought alot as kids, but we also loved each other very much and when push came to shove I knew he would always help out his little sister.  Losing him was so difficult in many ways, but I definitely miss what we didn’t get to have together the most. I didn’t get to see him at my wedding. I didn’t get to see him hold my babies. I know he would have been the coolest uncle ever and it really sucks that my kids don’t have him in their lives. Most of all, I miss that positive support I know he would have given me through the tough times. We talk about him all the time, especially the funny stories because there are so many! I also see him reflected in alot of ways in my kids. His quirky personality traits come through here and there and I know he is getting a good laugh over it. I may not have him physically by my side,  but I know he is always with my dad, my kids, and me. And, the odds are, he’s probably farting.

Love you Michael David Fernandes, February 5, 1972- October 10, 2003

The term “let it go” might be a little different from person to person, but the concept is the same. When some people let things go, they just remind themselves that it’s life and they need to roll with the punches.  Some people do some partying and try to forget about what they can’t change. Then others,  like myself, let it go by giving the ‘it’ to God. I take a deep breath, let it out and try to imagine God removing the stress and weight from my shoulders and literally taking it away. In any account, in order to let something go, we need to believe that we are not in control of all things whether or not you believe in God or the universe or karma or whatever. Focusing only on changing what we can control and working on controlling our reaction over situations we can’t is key to letting things go.

I really think letting things go has got to be the hardest, yet most rewarding thing we can do next to becoming a parent. When you become a parent you understand that it really is the toughest job you’ll ever love. As we go through life, I’m certain the same can be said for just letting go.

This is also one of those things that is definitely easier said than done! I don’t believe anyone could ever do it 100% of the time and in every situation. I am getting better at it as life goes on, but some times are way harder than others! Let’s take, for example, this week. It has been no less than challenging and my patience for a challenge has worn thin. Oh, and it’s only Wednesday!

So, here’s what I do (after I whine to my best friends, visit pity party land, then return to what I still know is my blessed life).  I take each situation separately because all the shit little things that seem to happen all at once are overwhelming,  but easier to reason one by one. Then I do just that…I reason with myself.

The power went out and when it came back on my computer and four of my lights wouldn’t work. One of the lights was in the kitchen so my children had to make school lunches by my phone light. The next day they all started working again 15 minutes before the electrician showed up! So…did I do anything to cause this situation? Nope. Did we check all the fuses? Yup. Could I control this? Nope. Now, let’s look at the good. Did you see how I said, “MY CHILDREN had to make school lunches by my phone light”? Yes! That’s right! I did NOT need to make their lunches because my girls, grades 4 and 6 are perfectly capable of making their own and they do! I know for a fact some of my friends would pay good money not to make lunches every.single. night.  And the electrician didn’t charge for coming out because he just had to tighten a few wires!

Same night…Hanna says, “What are those little black things jumping on Cocoa’s legs?” The dog has fleas.  Awesome. My fault? Again, nope. Can I fix this at 9pm? Negative.  The next day I call the groomer who takes her for a flea bath. Meanwhile, I start cleaning my house at 7am. Stripping things,  scrubbing things, vacuuming things. Between picking kids up and dinner I finish cleaning duties at 8pm. I’m exhausted and want to roll up in a ball and cry. But….I was able to clean out the playroom and get rid of a huge bin and trash bag worth of crap my kids don’t play with anymore while the 4th grader is at school and can’t protest. My living room is spotless, cleaner than its been in months! Oh, and it wouldn’t have been possible without the help of my amazing 6 year old. Yes, be jealous again…I have a 6 year old boy who cleans and helps his mama! Talk about being blessed! I had been wanting to get to that for a while, so, at the end of the day the dog and the house are clean! (The children…not so much, but baths can wait til morning sometimes!)

So, here’s the toughest one to turn around, but if anyone can do it, I can. This morning I get a phone call from school that my daughter who is transfusion dependent on platelets has a nosebleed. Ugh. I had just stepped out of the shower,  2 year old not dressed and hungry, and my head spinning. I make it out of the house in 17 minutes (which, if you know me, is amazing). I get to the school and I know she is shaken, but my amazing kid is only showing her brave face. I can see the look in her eyes though. I’m her mom. I know her. I smile and rub her back and she tells me she has a blood clot stuck in her throat. We get the bucket and call the hospital to let them know we will be there in 45 minutes for platelets because chances are it won’t stop bleeding until she gets them. She starts throwing up blood clots on the way to Providence and crying about how much her tummy hurts. We get about 25 minutes away and we see the bumper to bumper traffic not.moving.at.all. I pop the address into the GPS to see what’s going on. A rollover and 25 minute delay. Ugh again. The GPS tells me to exit and the map shows me going through a city to get back on the highway at an exit right after the accident. I take the back roads and get to the on ramp for the highway to see it is closed due to the rollover happening where the ramp meets the highway! So I need to drive back around the other way to get back on the highway and then I drive like a complete ass in the breakdown lane and cut people off knowing they’d understand and do it too if it were their own kid. We get through it and finally to the clinic. Platelets are ready. My poor girl has a yucky tummy and her nose is still bleeding. In total it bleeds for 3 1/2 hours. She is scared to even check the tissue to see if it stopped, but finally does and we are able to head home after a 7 hour total trip.  On the way home, 6 year old Brody says, “Mom, don’t you wish we never had to go to Hasbro?” Well, that made me think! This was my answer. I am eternally grateful that science has come so far as to be able to give Joni red blood cells and platelets when she needs them. Without them, she wouldn’t be here. But, she is. And she is thriving. She competes in gymnastics and practices 9 hours a week. She loves gym and is an excellent student. She loves her family and her friends. She has fun and we are so blessed to be able to be a part of it all. Without the staff at the hospital that does everything and anything we need and goes above and beyond for us, we would be in a much worse situation as well. By going there, we have become friends with some of the most wonderful, caring women and men on earth. If we hadn’t gone today, we also wouldn’t have run into some of our best friends. We got to have an impromptu visit with friends we don’t get to see too often. What a surprise blessing!

Ok, so there it is. I reasoned.  Now I can let it go. Like I said,  it’s not always easy, but totally worth it. I couldn’t control any of these situations, but it is now in the past and done. It is what it is and tomorrow is another day. Think about what’s weighing you down.  Can you control it? Can you change it? If the answer is NO, then just LET IT GO!  If I can do this, so can you!

So, after a day like today, where I can’t do anything right for my kids and we are late everywhere (as usual) and I didn’t accomplish even a small portion of what was on my ‘to do’ list (again, as usual), I thought about this Mommin’ job and what makes it work. So, here is a list of mom’s I would NOT relate to at all….

1. Mom’s who don’t drink. How? Don’t your children drive you crazy? I mean, obviously drinking everyday is out of the question and overdoing it is out of the question, but once in a while it just.makes.sense.

2. Mom’s who don’t yell. Again, how? The most common scenario in my house is that I ask nicely about 125 times. Nobody listens. I then scream. Everybody looks horrified and sometimes cry. Then they ask me why I had to yell…. REALLY?!?

3. Mom’s who don’t swear….Because guess what? When the baby craps his pants just as we are leaving the house, it’s not just literally a shitshow, it’s a f**king shitshow.

4. Mom’s with clean houses. Do you live there? Where is all your stuff? You make me feel messy and we can’t be friends…unless you’d like to clean my house. Then we can be best friends.

5. Mom’s who look put together.  Don’t you own yoga pants? Don’t you know how comfy they are?? How did you have a chance to blow dry your hair today AND put on makeup? How have your tween girls not taken and destroyed all of your makeup anyways?!?

6. Mom’s with clean cars. You MUST have other moms pick up your children and bring them places for you. Children are gross little people that leave wrappers and lollipops where ever they go….  Do you seriously have time more than once or twice a year to see what’s under those car seats??

7. Mom’s who are organized. This is a pipe dream people. I suppose there was a time I was organized when I had one baby… bahahaha!! How do you keep track of what every kid needs for school and activities? Isn’t it enough that I feed them?!?

8. Mom’s who cook every.single.night. Don’t get me wrong, I love to cook and bake. I would do much more of it if I could. How do you manage to make dinner every night with kids activities and just being stinkin exhausted? And when you do make dinner, how do you cover ALL the food groups? Can we consider a muffin for lunch healthy? I mean, it’s not a cupcake… even if it is a chocolate muffin….

9. Mom’s who don’t laugh.  These little shits drive me nuts all day long, but they do some seriously messed up stuff. If I didn’t make light of it, I would just bang my head against the wall. They are like little shitty comedians. Really they should have their own show…and make mama some money while they’re at it!

10. Mom’s who don’t hug and cuddle. At the end of the day, when these guys have me losing my voice, replacing every word in my vocabulary with an f bomb, and finishing another bottle of wine, I still know they are the most awesome little brats on the face of the earth. The greatest feeling in the world that melts all that other crap away are those hugs!!

I do alot of reflecting when it comes to most situations and this weekend was no different. In fact, the company made it impossible to not stop, look around, and take it all in. Most people that know me, know that my oldest daughter has an autoimmune disease and her body attacks everything, including her own blood cells. This has made her transfusion dependent since 2012. We are treated by an amazing staff at Hasbro Children’s Hospital’s Tomorrow Fund Clinic for Hematology and Oncology in Providence. We are there once a week. We have also met many other families there at clinic. These people have become another family to us. The children play together there in the waiting/play room. They do arts and crafts, play games, and keep each other distracted as much as possible from why they are there in the first place. The parents become close very quickly as well. We know each other’s stories all too well since we are all living a very similar one. We share a common bond. We worry about our children in a way that others don’t understand. Our expenses and time are taken up in a way others are not, but we don’t care as long it helps our kids. We know medical terminology that we wish we didn’t. We can talk with doctors like it’s nobody’s business. We aren’t out to impress anyone; we just know too much. We listen to our children tell us it’s not fair that they feel crappy or that they have to miss out on something that their friends or siblings get to do because they are in a hospital for a day, a week, a month.

There are many activities that the clinic sponsors or gets us information about that are outside of the clinic. They do an amazing job of giving these kids and their families fun times. This past weekend, however, a bunch of clinic mommas decided to do a beach day and cookout at my house together. I am blessed to live in a beautiful area across the street from an amazing beach. So, Sunday, we got seven mom’s and 20 children together, 7 of them having already kicked their diseases ass or in the middle of kicking it.

Seven Little Amazing Warriors. Seven Strong Warrior Mommas. Thirteen Wonderful Sweet Siblings. Instead of being attached to IV poles, they were attached to boogie boards. Instead of filtered hospital air, they were breathing in the smell of salt and sunscreen. Running down the hallways was replaced with running in the sand. There were smiles and laughter and there was loud, real loud. These kids know how to live it up better than any other kids I know and watching them do it was not taken lightly by any of us. We Moms watched with gratitude that this day, this memory was happening. We all know how quickly life can change. We stare a little longer, smile a little differently, hug a little harder. We love these kids, not only our own, but each of these children. We pray for them all. We do what we can to help each other. We get it. Without saying a word, we all get it. We will always have a bond. We all, without a doubt, would go back to the blissful ignorance we once knew before our kid’s diagnoses, but we also know that we are in the presence of greatness. We have each other. We love each other. We are the strongest group of mommas in the world. We know how blessed we are to have had this weekend. We know how blessed we are to have each other. And we know how blessed we are to have our children. Our warriors will continue to be amazing. Fight on little warriors. Mommas got your back.

So, I wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other. I hope for the best and try not to think of what could go wrong. Some days it’s easy. Some days, not so much.

But, know what makes it easier? People.

Now, my kids and I are very blessed that we get help from friends and family whenever they can. That help is so important. When a friend comes and watches my kids so I can escape, it’s appreciated. When my dad comes and watches them so i am able to grocery shop alone, i am grateful. When someone offers to help me clean, I’m floored. When someone comes over in the middle of the night for me to take one kid to the hospital when she needs to go, instead of all four, that’s so so amazing. When a friends husband and son carry 15-20 bags of pellets in from my shed in the winter so I don’t have to do it again, well, yay!! When someone drops off dinner…I LOVE YOU.

But seriously, NONE of those reasons is the one single thing that keeps my head up and pushes me to keep doing what i’m doing, even when I’m so so tired and so very weary.

I don’t know why, but people keep telling me that I’m an inspiration to them. They tell me seeing my strength is the thing that keeps THEM going.  I used to think they were just being nice and blowing smoke up my ass actually. But, lately, I wonder, “What if they are being honest? What if watching me do what I need to do and push through and smile as much as humanly possible and keep my faith in God….what if me living my life one foot in front of the other really is inspiring another person not to give up?!?!? Well, then I certainly can’t stop!! In fact, I need to be even better every.single.day. so they never give in or give up. Now, obviously, I’m human. We all are and we all have those days. On those days we must reach even deeper to find that thing inside of us, that one small thing that may really, truly be inspiring another individual to keep going. When someone tells me I’m an inspiration or that I’m strong, I must do better. They are inspiring me to make sure I never let them down. They don’t realize how much they are picking me up. Some days I just can’t seem to find that pick me up. Then, suddenly, there they are. There is my fan club who don’t even know they are my fan club.  Thank you to my friends and to strangers, thank you. You certainly do make me feel like a rockstar.

Today I was thinking about how much I LOVE summer. Yes, many of us do, but why? I have also met those winter lovers. I don’t trust them. I mean, who really WANTS to be cold?!?!? I understand the lovers of fall. It’s my second favorite season with its changing leaves, its crispness in the air, and its apple picking. I also can understand the spring lovers, even though the only reason I enjoy the rainy, nasty, still cold spring is because I know summer is coming. Still, spring brings flowers and hope of those nice long, summer days. But then there it is, the love of summer and the big WHY? So here’s my take on it.

1. With the great weather and the longer days, we get outside more and we are more active. Vitamin D from the sun is important in so many ways. Being active is important for obvious reasons. It makes our bodies feel good to move. Therefore, our minds feel good and we are happier!
2. Burgers, dogs, and the grill in general. Honestly, is there anything better than cooking on the grill? No mess in the kitchen and the food will almost always make everyone happy.
3. The smell of sunscreen. I could smell coconut ALL.DAY.LONG. Enough said.
4. We all look cooler in sunglasses.
5. The children can go outside and play. Even better, they can ride their bikes to their friends houses! For the first time all year, my house is quiet!
6. Gardens. Need I say more? As a homeschooler, it’s the easiest lesson to teach because it teaches itself and it’s fun. My kids don’t have a clue that they have learned more science over the summer than they did during most of the year!!  They also retain it and tell you all about it too!
7. Drinks. Fruity, girly, spritzy, pink drinks. Whip one of these out in the middle of January and you have made EVERYBODY smile. Why? Because they are thinking of summer!
8. Music. There are so many great songs that all revolve around the summer and I want to listen to them and dance to them all winter to get me through.
9. The mentality. We go to bed late and don’t care. Our kids stay up late and sleep late and we don’t care. We eat ice cream every night and we don’t care. We don’t eat dinner until 7 or 8 because we were on the beach all day and we still don’t care!
10. Here is my very favorite thing about the summer: I don’t know what day it is almost ever and I DON’T CARE!  Isn’t it the best when you actually forget what day it is? Or when you only know the day because you have special plans that day?

Maybe it’s just me, but although I try to embrace each day all year, I find the summertime makes it even more fun. We’ve got about a month left of this glorious season, but if you love summer as much as I do, then let’s try to hold onto it for as long as we can.  Everyone is invited for margaritas at my house in January!! Let’s grill up some burgers, crank the heat up to 80, lather the fake tanner, put on our sundresses, play a little Fresh Prince’s ‘Summertime’, and maybe even forget the day of the week.

Today the friend I have known the longest is turning 40. I wrote this a while back, but it needs to be posted for her birthday with wishes for the most awesome day so far!!

I never understood why some people complain about having birthdays and getting older. It especially bothers me when parents make comments about why their kids just keep growing up!

Birthdays in and of itself are the greatest gift we can receive! The chance to have lived another year, another day!! I love seeing my kids growing up and celebrating their birthdays!! They are here and alive and kicking!! In fact, I make a HUGE deal out of birthdays, celebrating for weeks that your very own New Year is here!  This is a priveledge denied to too many. I have seen many people lose their lives, and trust me, you want to get older, and hopefully, someday, be old!! You want to watch your kids hit milestones and become adults and be successful and, most importantly, healthy!!

This is the year where an entire group of some of my closest friends will all turn 40.  I turned 40 two months ago. I am honestly so excited to have made it this far and I pray for so many more birthdays. I have been blessed to have been married, have children, have AMAZING friends. All of that happened on top of an upbringing better than anyone could have ever asked for, with loving, giving parents that would do anything for me, my siblings, and all of our friends. I have learned so much from my life, but mostly to be grateful and patient. There is always a silver lining and, whether we know it or not, it will come.

As I turn 40, I look at my blessings and my future with hope, love, and excitement for what it brings. I have plans!! Big plans!! And each year as I am granted yet another birthday and another chance to get even older, I will also be given more time for these accomplishments, goals, helping others, loving others, and, most importantly and God willing, seeing my 4 amazing children get older and grow up too. So, Happy Birthday to all of us…grab your cane, hit your grandkids over the head with it, and be happy that your ship has yet to have sunk!!