So, after a day like today, where I can’t do anything right for my kids and we are late everywhere (as usual) and I didn’t accomplish even a small portion of what was on my ‘to do’ list (again, as usual), I thought about this Mommin’ job and what makes it work. So, here is a list of mom’s I would NOT relate to at all….

1. Mom’s who don’t drink. How? Don’t your children drive you crazy? I mean, obviously drinking everyday is out of the question and overdoing it is out of the question, but once in a while it just.makes.sense.

2. Mom’s who don’t yell. Again, how? The most common scenario in my house is that I ask nicely about 125 times. Nobody listens. I then scream. Everybody looks horrified and sometimes cry. Then they ask me why I had to yell…. REALLY?!?

3. Mom’s who don’t swear….Because guess what? When the baby craps his pants just as we are leaving the house, it’s not just literally a shitshow, it’s a f**king shitshow.

4. Mom’s with clean houses. Do you live there? Where is all your stuff? You make me feel messy and we can’t be friends…unless you’d like to clean my house. Then we can be best friends.

5. Mom’s who look put together.  Don’t you own yoga pants? Don’t you know how comfy they are?? How did you have a chance to blow dry your hair today AND put on makeup? How have your tween girls not taken and destroyed all of your makeup anyways?!?

6. Mom’s with clean cars. You MUST have other moms pick up your children and bring them places for you. Children are gross little people that leave wrappers and lollipops where ever they go….  Do you seriously have time more than once or twice a year to see what’s under those car seats??

7. Mom’s who are organized. This is a pipe dream people. I suppose there was a time I was organized when I had one baby… bahahaha!! How do you keep track of what every kid needs for school and activities? Isn’t it enough that I feed them?!?

8. Mom’s who cook every.single.night. Don’t get me wrong, I love to cook and bake. I would do much more of it if I could. How do you manage to make dinner every night with kids activities and just being stinkin exhausted? And when you do make dinner, how do you cover ALL the food groups? Can we consider a muffin for lunch healthy? I mean, it’s not a cupcake… even if it is a chocolate muffin….

9. Mom’s who don’t laugh.  These little shits drive me nuts all day long, but they do some seriously messed up stuff. If I didn’t make light of it, I would just bang my head against the wall. They are like little shitty comedians. Really they should have their own show…and make mama some money while they’re at it!

10. Mom’s who don’t hug and cuddle. At the end of the day, when these guys have me losing my voice, replacing every word in my vocabulary with an f bomb, and finishing another bottle of wine, I still know they are the most awesome little brats on the face of the earth. The greatest feeling in the world that melts all that other crap away are those hugs!!

I do alot of reflecting when it comes to most situations and this weekend was no different. In fact, the company made it impossible to not stop, look around, and take it all in. Most people that know me, know that my oldest daughter has an autoimmune disease and her body attacks everything, including her own blood cells. This has made her transfusion dependent since 2012. We are treated by an amazing staff at Hasbro Children’s Hospital’s Tomorrow Fund Clinic for Hematology and Oncology in Providence. We are there once a week. We have also met many other families there at clinic. These people have become another family to us. The children play together there in the waiting/play room. They do arts and crafts, play games, and keep each other distracted as much as possible from why they are there in the first place. The parents become close very quickly as well. We know each other’s stories all too well since we are all living a very similar one. We share a common bond. We worry about our children in a way that others don’t understand. Our expenses and time are taken up in a way others are not, but we don’t care as long it helps our kids. We know medical terminology that we wish we didn’t. We can talk with doctors like it’s nobody’s business. We aren’t out to impress anyone; we just know too much. We listen to our children tell us it’s not fair that they feel crappy or that they have to miss out on something that their friends or siblings get to do because they are in a hospital for a day, a week, a month.

There are many activities that the clinic sponsors or gets us information about that are outside of the clinic. They do an amazing job of giving these kids and their families fun times. This past weekend, however, a bunch of clinic mommas decided to do a beach day and cookout at my house together. I am blessed to live in a beautiful area across the street from an amazing beach. So, Sunday, we got seven mom’s and 20 children together, 7 of them having already kicked their diseases ass or in the middle of kicking it.

Seven Little Amazing Warriors. Seven Strong Warrior Mommas. Thirteen Wonderful Sweet Siblings. Instead of being attached to IV poles, they were attached to boogie boards. Instead of filtered hospital air, they were breathing in the smell of salt and sunscreen. Running down the hallways was replaced with running in the sand. There were smiles and laughter and there was loud, real loud. These kids know how to live it up better than any other kids I know and watching them do it was not taken lightly by any of us. We Moms watched with gratitude that this day, this memory was happening. We all know how quickly life can change. We stare a little longer, smile a little differently, hug a little harder. We love these kids, not only our own, but each of these children. We pray for them all. We do what we can to help each other. We get it. Without saying a word, we all get it. We will always have a bond. We all, without a doubt, would go back to the blissful ignorance we once knew before our kid’s diagnoses, but we also know that we are in the presence of greatness. We have each other. We love each other. We are the strongest group of mommas in the world. We know how blessed we are to have had this weekend. We know how blessed we are to have each other. And we know how blessed we are to have our children. Our warriors will continue to be amazing. Fight on little warriors. Mommas got your back.

So, I wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other. I hope for the best and try not to think of what could go wrong. Some days it’s easy. Some days, not so much.

But, know what makes it easier? People.

Now, my kids and I are very blessed that we get help from friends and family whenever they can. That help is so important. When a friend comes and watches my kids so I can escape, it’s appreciated. When my dad comes and watches them so i am able to grocery shop alone, i am grateful. When someone offers to help me clean, I’m floored. When someone comes over in the middle of the night for me to take one kid to the hospital when she needs to go, instead of all four, that’s so so amazing. When a friends husband and son carry 15-20 bags of pellets in from my shed in the winter so I don’t have to do it again, well, yay!! When someone drops off dinner…I LOVE YOU.

But seriously, NONE of those reasons is the one single thing that keeps my head up and pushes me to keep doing what i’m doing, even when I’m so so tired and so very weary.

I don’t know why, but people keep telling me that I’m an inspiration to them. They tell me seeing my strength is the thing that keeps THEM going.  I used to think they were just being nice and blowing smoke up my ass actually. But, lately, I wonder, “What if they are being honest? What if watching me do what I need to do and push through and smile as much as humanly possible and keep my faith in God….what if me living my life one foot in front of the other really is inspiring another person not to give up?!?!? Well, then I certainly can’t stop!! In fact, I need to be even better every.single.day. so they never give in or give up. Now, obviously, I’m human. We all are and we all have those days. On those days we must reach even deeper to find that thing inside of us, that one small thing that may really, truly be inspiring another individual to keep going. When someone tells me I’m an inspiration or that I’m strong, I must do better. They are inspiring me to make sure I never let them down. They don’t realize how much they are picking me up. Some days I just can’t seem to find that pick me up. Then, suddenly, there they are. There is my fan club who don’t even know they are my fan club.  Thank you to my friends and to strangers, thank you. You certainly do make me feel like a rockstar.

Today I was thinking about how much I LOVE summer. Yes, many of us do, but why? I have also met those winter lovers. I don’t trust them. I mean, who really WANTS to be cold?!?!? I understand the lovers of fall. It’s my second favorite season with its changing leaves, its crispness in the air, and its apple picking. I also can understand the spring lovers, even though the only reason I enjoy the rainy, nasty, still cold spring is because I know summer is coming. Still, spring brings flowers and hope of those nice long, summer days. But then there it is, the love of summer and the big WHY? So here’s my take on it.

1. With the great weather and the longer days, we get outside more and we are more active. Vitamin D from the sun is important in so many ways. Being active is important for obvious reasons. It makes our bodies feel good to move. Therefore, our minds feel good and we are happier!
2. Burgers, dogs, and the grill in general. Honestly, is there anything better than cooking on the grill? No mess in the kitchen and the food will almost always make everyone happy.
3. The smell of sunscreen. I could smell coconut ALL.DAY.LONG. Enough said.
4. We all look cooler in sunglasses.
5. The children can go outside and play. Even better, they can ride their bikes to their friends houses! For the first time all year, my house is quiet!
6. Gardens. Need I say more? As a homeschooler, it’s the easiest lesson to teach because it teaches itself and it’s fun. My kids don’t have a clue that they have learned more science over the summer than they did during most of the year!!  They also retain it and tell you all about it too!
7. Drinks. Fruity, girly, spritzy, pink drinks. Whip one of these out in the middle of January and you have made EVERYBODY smile. Why? Because they are thinking of summer!
8. Music. There are so many great songs that all revolve around the summer and I want to listen to them and dance to them all winter to get me through.
9. The mentality. We go to bed late and don’t care. Our kids stay up late and sleep late and we don’t care. We eat ice cream every night and we don’t care. We don’t eat dinner until 7 or 8 because we were on the beach all day and we still don’t care!
10. Here is my very favorite thing about the summer: I don’t know what day it is almost ever and I DON’T CARE!  Isn’t it the best when you actually forget what day it is? Or when you only know the day because you have special plans that day?

Maybe it’s just me, but although I try to embrace each day all year, I find the summertime makes it even more fun. We’ve got about a month left of this glorious season, but if you love summer as much as I do, then let’s try to hold onto it for as long as we can.  Everyone is invited for margaritas at my house in January!! Let’s grill up some burgers, crank the heat up to 80, lather the fake tanner, put on our sundresses, play a little Fresh Prince’s ‘Summertime’, and maybe even forget the day of the week.

Today the friend I have known the longest is turning 40. I wrote this a while back, but it needs to be posted for her birthday with wishes for the most awesome day so far!!

I never understood why some people complain about having birthdays and getting older. It especially bothers me when parents make comments about why their kids just keep growing up!

Birthdays in and of itself are the greatest gift we can receive! The chance to have lived another year, another day!! I love seeing my kids growing up and celebrating their birthdays!! They are here and alive and kicking!! In fact, I make a HUGE deal out of birthdays, celebrating for weeks that your very own New Year is here!  This is a priveledge denied to too many. I have seen many people lose their lives, and trust me, you want to get older, and hopefully, someday, be old!! You want to watch your kids hit milestones and become adults and be successful and, most importantly, healthy!!

This is the year where an entire group of some of my closest friends will all turn 40.  I turned 40 two months ago. I am honestly so excited to have made it this far and I pray for so many more birthdays. I have been blessed to have been married, have children, have AMAZING friends. All of that happened on top of an upbringing better than anyone could have ever asked for, with loving, giving parents that would do anything for me, my siblings, and all of our friends. I have learned so much from my life, but mostly to be grateful and patient. There is always a silver lining and, whether we know it or not, it will come.

As I turn 40, I look at my blessings and my future with hope, love, and excitement for what it brings. I have plans!! Big plans!! And each year as I am granted yet another birthday and another chance to get even older, I will also be given more time for these accomplishments, goals, helping others, loving others, and, most importantly and God willing, seeing my 4 amazing children get older and grow up too. So, Happy Birthday to all of us…grab your cane, hit your grandkids over the head with it, and be happy that your ship has yet to have sunk!!

I felt Greyson kicking away in my tummy while I was eating my dish of mint chocolate chip ice cream. He was just as feisty as his 3 siblings had been in utero and it was great to watch his little feet and elbows (or whatever body part it was) pushing out in response to me poking him like we all do. Like, “Hey, wake up Baby! But remember to sleep in a little bit when I want to sleep!” And shortly after, I did go to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning at 6am, I knew I was in labor. I was just one day shy of 36 weeks so I knew it wasn’t that big of a deal. I had also planned on laboring at home as long as possible, keeping in touch with my midwife who agreed. Nothing abnormal was going on. I had done this 3 times before. When 1pm hit, I was finally at the point I knew I needed to get to the hospital and we went. I was hooked up to the monitor and immediately was confused when they rolled in the ultrasound machine and the doctor came in to see why they couldn’t find his heartbeat. My whole world changed in an instant when he told me we had lost him. No blood flow on the screen, no heartbeat, and no explanation. After never having drugs before I begged them to knock me out and make sure I didn’t feel a thing. It already wasn’t fair, why should I also be in pain?

I still had to labor until 8pm when Greyson James Guay was stillborn, 4 lbs. 13 oz. I held him until my midwife gently let me know he would start to look different and I would want to remember him as he was when he was born and still looked alive.

That night was filled with such horrible heartbreak and anguish. But, it was also filled with angels. My nurses will forever have my gratitude and were put with me for a reason. They were amazing and gentle and kind. Having a friend in the same profession made me look back afterwards and realize how difficult their job must have been that night. I am sure they went into another room and cried and I know a few of them over the next 24 hrs cried with me as well. I tried to make sense of it all. I did every test I was supposed to, I exercised, I ate right, I didn’t smoke or drink. Still, there was no reason, nothing to blame.  Years before, I had lost my mom and my brother. Those experiences had made me angry with God and I lost alot of faith. Over time, however, I saw God stand by me. I saw that even when my faith was gone, His love for me was not. He saw me through using the people in my lives as angels and guiding me to what I needed and where I needed to be. This time, loss was different because of the faith in me that had grown over time stronger than ever in my life. This time, I knew that God had somehow been working in good ways in my life and, that as heartbreaking as it was, God would get us through.

I had an amazing dream that night of my mom and my brother in heaven welcoming Greyson and holding him and thanking me for giving my mom her first grandchild she was able to hold and take care of for me since she had passed before the others had been born.  I took comfort knowing it would be ok. Greyson was very appropriately buried with my mom and brother. But I know that was just his shell. He didn’t need that body for his purpose. To all of you moms who have carried a stillborn, here is the most important thing I have learned and I believe with all my heart and soul…. We were chosen. We were handpicked my God Himself. See, everyone needs to be born, even angels. We were blessed by God to carry an angel. ( Or in some cases 2 or 3 angels!!) We were the lucky ones to feel an angel inside of us and to be able to give an angel such love, the love they would give back to this world 100 times more from the heavens! They were never meant to walk the earth, only to fly and we were chosen to give them their wings. My children and I have an angel named Greyson and he is gorgeous, just like all of your angels. I tell this to you because you need to know. You need to believe. You were not punished or jipped. You were chosen because of the love you have to give and the love you will always give, whether you choose to have more children or not. God will mend your heart. God will show you what you need when you need it. Meanwhile, hold your head high and talk to your angel all the time, knowing everyday that you have been blessed.

Bobby died on May 17th, 2015 after a 7 month battle with stomach cancer. We had been together for 15 years, married for nearly 11. We had been raising 4 beautiful and still very young children together.  Previous to his passing I had experienced losing loved ones too many times. I have learned too much at 40, lost too many people that I love. But, these lessons just keep making me stronger. I don’t know why. I can only say God gave me a foundation in the way I was raised with amazing parents to believe the good in the world and to be the good in the world.  He also gave me a heart to never lose hope. It is my hope that I am passing that on to my own children.

Life is an ocean. We are the captain of our own ships, but we cannot control the weather. The storms will come and at times will be fierce, but they will also subside. We need to refuse to sink. We cannot drown in these waves. We need to ride them with everything we’ve got. We need to come out on top. One thing we can be guaranteed is that the storms will also go away. We will be left in calm waters, sun shining, floating peacefully along. We need to remember that our boat can drop anchor, as can our lives.  An anchor is a symbol of staying grounded, of not being pulled out to sea in these storms. We are our own anchor and hope is always an anchor for our soul!

My blog is titled, “Refuse to Sink” because I am an anchor for my family, keeping us grounded, but I also refuse to let our boat sink in the storms. I have been told to write a blog for a while now and I think it is finally time.  My experiences make me who I am, but we all have experiences, good and bad. I am not unique in that I have had to battle some pretty shitty stuff. We all do! No one person’s problem is better or worse than anothers. They are just different and not to be judged. It is what it is, but how will we sail our ship? How do we view the world? How do we get through these storms?  If the way I live my life and my attitude and my smile after my own storms help even one person to have hope for their own future, then this blog will have served its purpose. I hope I will inspire my readers and also make them laugh. Most of all, I hope that even if one of my blog entries makes you cry, it will also end leaving you with a smile on your face.