You’re graduating! Holy crap! Look at you all, making it, crushing it, getting it done! I am SO FREAKING PROUD. Somehow that pride keeps welling up in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks dammit.  This entire year has been filled with so many emotions, more than I remember from my own senior year.  The stress you have on you, the expectations, I believe are different than we had. Like all older people,  I blame social media, but that isn’t what matters.  The thing that is the same, is that you have hit a milestone.  There are some REALLY important things that I want to tell you.  There are some things I want you to know.  I’m not sure how much I would listen to if someone told me all of this, but believe me, I wish they had. Heck, maybe they did and I didn’t listen, just like a teenager!  So, maybe this will seem like trite jibber jabber to you, maybe you’ve heard it all before, maybe it will sit back in your brain somewhere and someday in your future, you’ll hear it.  Or maybe you’ll read it and it will hit home and you’ll understand.  Maybe it might help you right now or when you walk across that stage at graduation or when you are moving to a new school or starting new classes at a new place in the fall.  Just do me a favor (because I really do love you more than you can imagine) and read this, the whole thing. Please don’t just skim either.  Read it for me. Read it for you.  Some tips…

As emotional as this is for you, as much as it seems like the ending, like closing a book, it is not.  The book is not over. This is just the end of a chapter. You will end one chapter and start another. Just like in a book, the characters don’t just vanish.  Even the ones that leave in one chapter tend to always come back in another.   Think back on your past 17 or 18 years.  There have already been many chapters.  You have changed, learned, grown, and you have survived them all.  You have watched each other grow too.  Many of you have grown together.  Remember this when you get emotional.  Do not mistake the pride you have for yourself and each other as sadness.  Do not mistake your tears for despair.  Things are changing,  yes, but not like you think they are, definitely not. 

The saying goes something like this, “Make new friends, keep the old. One is silver, the other is gold.”  You will All make new friends. That is an absolute certainty.  You will have other close friendships in your life.  You will meet the person who will become your partner.  You will live with people who you confide in.  You will get to know them and they will get to know you.  They will meet your old friends at some point.  They will see where you grew up. They will meet your family too. 

BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS BE SILVER.

When you look around you, whether you think so or not, your group right now,  these friends, THEY WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR GOLD. 

The friends you have now have seen you grow and change in ways that make them the only ones who can ever truly be gold.  Others will come close, but they can’t be gold.  They weren’t in your life early enough for that.  I can tell you this because I have the silver and the gold in my own life.  I have discussed this with others too.  My BEST friends that I have now are comprised of both. I trust them and love them and have fun with them and appreciate them.  I confide in my silver friends just as much as my gold, in fact sometimes my gold friends don’t even know everything, but not because I don’t want them to, just because we may not talk or see each other as often.  You know I have my gold friends, some I met in first grade, others not until high school.  But boy are those high school years something!  There is a safety, a foundation in these gold friends that will make you always be able to come back to them,  always.  You may actually go weeks, months, or (although unlikely) years without actually seeing them or talking to them. Still, these are the ones who will never skip a beat. You will pick up right where you left off, every single time.  You will have a sense of comfort and being yourself that feels like home.  You know each other’s families.  All of the parents love each and every one of you like you are our own.  You know us too and I think you love us all quite a bit, even if we get on your nerves sometimes.  As you go on different paths in a few months, remember that it is up to you to keep characters in this chapter.  Also remember that it’s alot to take in and there might be some who aren’t as good at the juggling of friends.  Forgive them and don’t take it personally because they are still loving you and there for you.  They will come back in another chapter and it will be ok.  I experienced this myself and cannot express the gratitude I had when my own friendship hadn’t skipped a beat.  All was just understood, the love and history we have erasing the stages of life that just made the train derail for a bit. 

Sorry if you’re sick of reading, but there is more…

Visit me.  My daughter lives here. She will be back.  I just want her friends to remember to come visit too. I love you. If you are in the neighborhood or not, stop by.  I have spent the past 4 or more years with you at my house.  You have eaten food here, made me laugh, slept here, left clothes here that I many times ended up washing.  You have laughed here and some of you have cried here.  You have at times confided in me.  I have given advice that you sometimes took and sometimes you were probably just humoring me. I know it annoyed you when I told you to be quiet at night.  I know it’s a pain in the ass. I know there were times when I was a downright bitch.  Some of it, alot of it, was probably the day I had, the exhaustion, wanting to let everyone let loose all the time and not care about the noise, but just being so mentally and physically drained that I snapped, insisting, not nicely, on quiet. Someday, you will definitely understand.   I am looking forward to you all this summer here and leaving towels all over my house. I love you all being here. I will admit, I have loved every single minute, even when I was calling from upstairs asking for the TV and voices to be turned down even more.  Make sure when you visit that you come hungry. If I haven’t grocery shopped, we will always still find something and figure it out.  You have all become part of the family, just like my kid  has become part of yours.  My door will always be open to you.   I will also always be here for you. In any way.  I will help whenever I can. 

I remember what it was like to be 18.  I know that kids do stupid shit sometimes.  I am so grateful for what you guys do tell me.  I am sure you have plenty that you don’t say too.  I know about the kids who got into partying younger than others and I know about the people you avoid.  I know that I am on your ass, obviously mostly my own kid’s ass, but I am SO GRATEFUL for who you are.  I think I can speak for all of the parents here saying that we have AMAZING kids.  You guys are smart, so damn smart, and kind (most of the time!).  You guys have crushed it with sports and working jobs and going to school.  To my own child, you have had extra to deal with growing up and nobody is a bigger fan of you than me. Nobody.  I do appreciate ALL OF THIS.  It’s still my job to give advice, warn you, teach you, and love you.  It always will be.  I will never stop being the biggest cheerleader and fan you ever had.  That’s just what a mom does.  It’s a mom’s heart and it never goes away. 

Even when you think I hate you or I’m trying to ruin your life or my rules are stupid or my advice is dumb, I am loving you and helping to guide you with all my heart.  As I said earlier, I know what it’s like to be 18.  You guys have so much good in you.  You will face rites of passages, however, just like every other human does.  And it’s ok.  I am here to help. I am on your team. Please don’t forget this.  If you ever end up in a situation where you are unsafe or uncomfortable, call me. Text me. There will be no punishment or lecture.  My top priority is for you to be safe.  Don’t be afraid of calling me. Please.  I know you are all amazing people. Parents never want their kid to make a bad choice, but every human has done it and you will too.  It sometimes is how we learn and we all need to learn.  Maybe you’ll watch other people do stupid shit and learn from that too.  I hope it’s mostly that, but if your time comes and you need help, I am always here for you. 

Learn to find your own voice. Some people never do. You are the only one who has to live YOUR life. There will always be times when you need to decide whether you like something or want something or want to try something new or need to make a tough decision. It’s always helpful to ask for advice and to weigh options and think about some decisions more than others, but your friends should not decide for you what you do or like or where you go. Just because it makes them happy, doesn’t mean it will be right for you. That’s perfectly fine too. You are each unique in your own way and that’s what makes you fit together. When you became friends, it was because something attracted you to each other, don’t ever try to change that about each other or anyone. Don’t try to change yourself, EVER, to accommodate someone else’s version of who they want you to be.

That being said, learn to use your voice and speak up and always do it with kindness and respect. It is possible always to speak your truth with kindness. There will be people who don’t want to hear your truth, who disagree with you, who won’t respect you. Those are not your people. If they are people close to you, always give them time to come around and ask nicely why they think or feel how they do. Considering someone’s feelings is different than changing who you are for them. Remember that.

Another thing about the opinions of others… the only time you listen to your friends, is when they see red flags for a potential partner and are trying to help you see them too. Friends and parents want to protect you. It’s different if there isn’t a reason for a friend saying not to go out with someone and they just don’t like the person. They aren’t the one spending time with them and sometimes friends will even get jealous of potential partners. It’s normal and we all see it sometime. Just listen when they point out something that is fact and valid. They are helping to keep you safe and save you from possible heartache as well.

College is hard. So is life. Luckily, not all the time. If you choose one path right now, it doesn’t mean it’s set in stone for the rest of your life. There is a difference between something being difficult, but worth the hard work or something making you feel  absolute dread. Life is meant to be joyful. And, yes, sometimes it will be hard work to get to your goals, but when you know it is your purpose, that’s the good hard. You likely haven’t even lived a quarter of your lives yet. If you realize you actually don’t like the career choice you thought you would or the college you chose, then never be afraid to stop that path and choose something else! If it doesn’t feel right for you and you don’t like it, but you don’t yet know what path to take, that’s ok too. There is no one right way to do life! The people that tell you there is or think there is, are the most miserable people! Life is too short to be miserable. It’s not always easy to find your joy in a world full of expectations and voices and pressures, but please don’t ever let those voices and expectations and pressures make you forget that this is YOUR life and YOUR happiness! I once had someone tell me about a decision that I made, “Oh my, that’s just horrible. Don’t you think you have wasted a wonderful opportunity?” I had told them about a difficult decision I had made to switch gears on my path when I was younger. It ended up being the best thing I could have done for myself at that time. If you ever feel like you have no clue what to do next, get some time, peace, and quiet. Sit in the still and allow time for yourself to figure it out. You’ve got plenty of years, taking one of them or more to figure out the path you need IS part of the path! If you are being a productive member of society, you are kind, you feel joy and are around people you love who love you, that is what matters most. You’ll get there. Have faith in yourself and your own ability to write your story. I have no doubt it will be amazing and perfect and exactly what your unique story should be.

If anyone ever tells you that high school was the best four years of their life, pray for them. High school years are not going to be the best you ever live. You have so much more to see and learn about yourself and the world. You have so many places to go and people to meet. I hope many of those people are nothing like you. I hope they have a different culture and different ideas. I hope that you open your mind and give them a chance. You have so much to learn from them, good or bad, and you also have so much to teach them too! Never forget where you came from. You were so blessed to grow up here. People spend thousands of dollars a week to visit where we get to live. Never take that for granted. There is always a home here for you and a life waiting to be built. Don’t get so stubbornly independent that you think you’ll break out of these small towns and never come back. See the world, but know that settling down here means giving your children the same beauty you were given. It also means you will always have a babysitter and someday that will mean something to you. There is always space for whatever you want to do here. The world needs you and so do we.

I know you haven’t liked the rules. I know you haven’t liked to be told what to do,to have to do chores, to tell us where you’re going and to check in. I know you want to be independent and carefree. So much of that has been supported by us, the parents. When you live in a dorm or you work at a job or even when you go to get groceries or sit in a restaurant, there are rules. Heck, there are some I think are really stupid. Rules are there to keep us and others safe. We taught you that when you were a toddler. Imagine no rules? The world is chaotic enough, appreciate boundaries. By parents giving you boundaries, you will learn how to set your own. That comes in handy. Trust me. Even if you live with a group of college kids or young adults someday, your own place will have rules and you will understand it is to keep it fair, peaceful, safe, and that it makes life easier in so many ways for everyone. Imagine if you were never taught how to share, to be kind, to pick up after yourself, to be somewhere on time, to respect others, or even that we don’t throw things?!? You wouldn’t make a very good roommate or friend or spouse or team mate or employee or business partner someday.

Give us parents some credit. Right now you think you’re pretty awesome. You are correct. How did that happen? Where did that come from? You weren’t raised by wolves. If you were, then you probably wouldn’t be so damn afraid of spiders. You were raised by a person or people that love you more than you will know until you have your own child. Right now, you look at us and, you love us, and that love feels like it fills you so much you could not possibly love anyone more. Then you have a kid. And you realize you never knew love, not like this. You are quite literally a part of us and, for all the attitude and eye rolls and you saying you hate us from time to time, we wouldn’t change you being here for anything in the world. Also, we know even when you say you mean it, that you don’t. We know you love us. We know when life gets hard, you take it out on us sometimes. It doesnt mean we like it or that it’s ok, but we do know you still love us. When I lost my mom at 25, I thought there was nothing in the world that could ever happen as horrible as that. I was right for my life at that time, but then I had kids. To my own kid, I watched you and your siblings lose Dad. You were so young. I lost him too. But the pain that I felt for you kids was always and has always been worse because I saw your hearts breaking. When you see your kid’s heart breaking and you can’t fix it, well, that’s just one of the ways that I can absolutely tell you without a doubt, that your parents will always love you no matter what, and to an extent that you won’t understand right now. That’s ok though. Someday, maybe your paths will take you there. So remember, as we nag you and annoy you and you can’t wait to break free, that the heart of a mom or dad is the biggest one you’ll ever be loved by.

On that note, this has been a crazy year and we parents haven’t seen much of you. We miss you. Alot. Remember in all your social calendar events to keep some time for us. Remember to swap houses when everyone hangs out because we parents aren’t ready to have it quiet around here yet.

I remember when we first brought our children home from the hospital. You were all so tiny and sound asleep in your car carriers. We put you in the middle of the kitchen table and we just stood there, looking at you. Then we looked at each other and said, “What the hell do we do now?” That is not exaggeration. That is exactly the first thing that happened. We had no clue. We just stared at you. We were so afraid to mess something up. I didn’t have my mother to help me, but I had others, thank God.  Since those days, I have tried to make the best decisions, many of them on my own. I have watched you learn and grow. I have not always done or said the right thing or what you wanted at the time, but I am proud of you and I am proud of me. Graduating from high school is big, but it isn’t your first milestone and it certainly won’t be your last either. Still, it’s a milestone for both of us. I am blessed with four amazing children who will each pave their own way and I am excited to see what the future holds for your siblings as well. Now, however, is YOUR time. You are going to walk across that stage and, I am hoping to be able to see it through my tears of joy and pride. The future holds everything you could ever imagine you wanted for yourself and the things you don’t even know you want yet. It can be exciting and scary and it better mostly be fun. I am here for it all. I can’t wait to see what you do next. I love you so much, my baby. Now onto one hell of a summer!

Hi Bobby, I don’t even know where to start this year. I have to say that there are many times you not being here has felt surreal, but this year it feels different. It’s hard to explain. It feels like my life with you was a completely different lifetime, some other world. Eight years doesn’t seem long, but sometimes I just look at all that has happened in those 8 years and at how different our lives are and how much the kids have grown and changed and it really is an entirely different life. The past few weeks has been extra emotional for me. I know some years it hits harder than others. This entire year has been extra emotional. I’m guessing that explains it. Like I said, I don’t know where to start, but I’ll just start. I know you are always with us, seeing all of these things we do, but telling you about them still feels necessary, maybe not for you, but for me.

Joni is graduating high school in a few weeks! That hits me hard. Mostly because I am just so freaking proud of her! She has battled up some tough hills. I look at her and just don’t understand how the time has passed. Little baby Joni isn’t little, well, yes she is still quite petite, but she will be 18 in just about a month! She has been a three sport athlete, gotten amazing grades, and works two jobs as well. She is going to Bridgewater State in the fall. She got into the honors program and will study early childhood education. She is so amazing with kids. They absolutely love her. She is so much like me in so many ways, but also her own unique person. I see me in her, but don’t let her know because I’m not very cool. Maybe I’ll be cool when she is a little older. I think I’m cool, but moms, in general , I guess are not. Senior prom is this weekend. Would have been a nice time to have a dad around! I got this. I know.

Hanna is a sophomore and in the health program. She plays three sports too. She loves lacrosse the most. She turned 16 this past April. Get this, she is taller than both Joni and Brody! Little baby Heehee hit that growth spurt we were waiting for! She has a beautiful heart and is a super smart student. Both of the girls work at Somerset Creamery. You know with my love of ice cream, it’s the best thing ever. She wanted to see Taylor Swift for her birthday and somehow we got tickets online right when they went on sale. I’m so happy she can have this experience. I was thinking this morning about how if you were here, you would have insisted on taking her because I’m pretty sure you loved Taylor Swift more than anyone else. You knew all the words to all her songs! It was the cutest thing when you would sing it with the girls.

Brody is a teenager! He has grown into such a handsome, smart, wonderful young man. He loves baseball and is an umpire for the little kids this year and also playing Babe Ruth. He is a catcher like you were. He will be a freshman in high school next year! That is absolutely insane to me. I still remind him how he told me he would marry me when he was 7. He can be such a great big brother to Maddox. He has taught him so much about baseball. Last summer they were walking back from the beach one day and I heard them talking sports and stats. It was the cutest conversation ever. I am so happy they have each other, even if they do fight sometimes. Every chance Brody gets, he plays baseball or watches baseball or manages his fantasy baseball team or plays mlb the show. He also still loves to cook. He is hoping for a growth spurt over the summer before he gets to high school. I keep assuring him it’s coming.

Maddox went to a new school this year and it has been amazing. He loves his teacher and so do I. Everyone there has been awesome and he has some great friends. He is full of energy with a side of attitude as always. His smile lights up the room though and his snuggles make all the stress go away. He also loves baseball. He catches too and likes to play short stop. Both of the boys have actually taught me a ton about baseball and I love it. He also loves Pokemon and Minecraft and other things I don’t really know anything about so I just smile and nod. (Kinda like when you used to talk to me about your job.) Heehee To say I am proud of all of our kids would be an understatement. They are the BEST humans ever, even if they aren’t the neatest.

That leaves me, I suppose. It has been an extremely difficult year. Trying to navigate having teenagers and walking the line of letting go with enforcing rules isn’t easy on your own. I am so grateful for my friends. They help me to feel a bit sane and alot not alone. After spending years feeling all over the place with teaching and training, I finally started a business. I named it Breakwater Advantage. A breakwater protects the coast from changing tides and storm surges. I thought it appropriate because I feel that my purpose is to help people by teaching them the skills to be their own breakwater and to be able to weather the changing tides and storm surges in their own lives. I am personal training, teaching Pound and Yoga (oh yes! I completed the 200 hour yoga teacher training course this year!), nutrition coaching, holistic wellness coaching, speaking and writing, and teaching a workshop to help people discover their own resiliency inside of themselves. It’s a challenge to develop a business and market and get clients while also running a household with 4 kids and a dog and everyone’s needs. Most of the time something doesn’t get done. That’s life right now. I’m doing the best I can do. I am definitely hustling in it all and also trying to give myself the grace that I tell others to allow for themselves. I am fiercely independent, but sometimes being fiercely independent is exhausting. Someday maybe a partner will come along, but my life is so full. I truly love my life. Anyone that enters it will need to match my energy and know what it is to give and take with equal measure. That’s hard to find, but it doesn’t really matter to me. I truly love life every single day. I love what I do. I love that we are blessed with our beautiful little family and a huge number of friends that love us so much and show it. I miss you so much, more lately as I’ve said. These milestones we all hit are really things we would love to be sharing with you, hearing how proud you are, and being encouraged and rooted for by you. We all miss you. But then doesn’t that just mean we were lucky? I know it does. So help me and help these kids to remember you’re always here rooting us on, loving us, and smiling that gorgeous smile with those sparkling green eyes. I can see it now. I’ll try to see it through my tears of pride at graduation too. This weekend, however, I’ll sing some T Swift for you and tonight I will raise a glass and toast to you, our beautiful family you helped me make, and the legacy you created. I love you babe.

~Kelly

Let me start by saying, “I’m sorry”.  I’m sorry to ALL of the teachers that have my children in school right now.  See, it’s close to the end of the school year. As you know, the kids are really getting ancy and starting to check out.  I know it’s not just my kids, which makes it worse for you.  I am sure you are ready to check out too.  You deserve 100% to check out.  You are a saint.  I know that you are holding on for dear life.  I know that you have your vacation booked.  I wouldn’t blame you if you already have your bags packed, smutty romance novels ready to go, and dog sitter on call.  I know you don’t get paid nearly enough for the kind of vacation you deserve, but I’m hoping you’ve got something good planned to unwind and detox from the elevation of my kids’ energy and attitudes.  Rest assured knowing that they’re giving it to me at home too.  Here is where my apology needs to come in.  See, I’ve got it too.  I’ve got the ants in my pants, but I’ve also got the attitude. I’m an adult,  I know. Still, as I remind my children that they have about a month to go until summer vacation, as I get on them about homework and paying attention,  I’ve kinda given up too.  We won’t tell them that.  It’s our secret, just like the other secrets we keep together sometimes in our messages back and forth.  I’m sorry if the backpack still has yesterday’s papers and flyers still in it today.  I’m sorry that someone may or may not have done his entire week’s homework packet Thursday night last week. I did do the reminding, but not the checking after the reminding.  I’m sorry if sometimes my kids lunch looks like he scraped together whatever was left in the house he would eat.  He probably did.  As you know, spring gets busy.  Sometimes it’s impossible to find time to grocery shop. I promise they get a proper dinner. Chicken nuggets are in the freezer 99% of the time, along with the frozen French fries and anything else we can quickly cook in the air fryer in between school, baseball, lacrosse, work, and school activities.  Once in a while, they even eat a vegetable. 

Knowing these kids will be home alot more actually makes me quite happy. Also, it adds some stress. I too want to spend more time relaxing and enjoying vacation with them. That means working more now, especially since much of my work is from home. I don’t forsee being as successful with that when kids are needing me or fighting or I just want to keep them from getting on the PS4 when it’s nice out.  So it’s a busy month ahead for all of us. Please forgive me.

I was a home school mama for 7 years. I made sure we were always finished with the year’s work by Memorial Day Weekend.  I spoiled us like that.  It was easier to do that with just a few to teach. Then we would fill the time with our “field trips”.  I know that just isn’t how it works now, but it does probably contribute to the difficulty in staying focused here towards the end of May. 

If it’s any consolation, I promise that we are spending time thinking of the best teacher gift.  We do love you.  We do care about your sanity, even if we don’t always show it.  I hope you accept my apology.

I also want to say, “THANK YOU”! See, I think that you are awesome. So does my kid. My 4 kids have some amazing teachers and I feeling blessed and appreciate it, even when they don’t. Thank you for giving them exactly what they need. Thank you for communicating with me and making sure we were on the same page to help my kid succeed. Thank you for reminding them of things if I forgot. Thank you for smiling and having a place for them in your heart. I’m not quite sure how your heart can be so big, but it’s one of the biggest I’ve ever seen. Thank you for ignoring that my son wore his shirt backwards most of the time (he likes it that way and I pick my battles). Thank you for bending and giving extra time and care for allowing assignments to be turned in when life got a bit sketchy. Thank you for being laid back enough for boy antics and girl drama. Thank you for all that you do. If you don’t fly far away the very night school gets out and fly in the night before it starts up again, I owe you a drink on the beach. I mean it. And I can tell my kid they need to stay at home. You’ll have your fill again soon enough.

I am going to tell you the BEST thing you can say to someone who is grieving. I am not a grief counselor, but my life experience screams otherwise.  By the age of 41, I had lost my parents, my brothers, a baby, and my husband.  I had also lost other close family members and watched several friends lose their own loved ones.  Our current knowledge is based on what we have learned about in the past.  Some of that knowledge will come from books and classes, while other parts of it will be based on our experiences, good and bad.  I am often the person that others come to when they need to know what to do or say to support a loved one who has experienced the passing of someone close.  The one statement I hear the most is, “I don’t know what to say”.  

I feel compelled to address this, as we all will be in this situation at one time or another.  You know the feeling, standing in line at the wake, making small talk to those around you, paying your respects to the casket, then being eye to eye with the grieving.  Being on both sides, I can honor the awkwardness that is felt.  I can honor the hurt and the pain and trying to perhaps put on a smile for the crowd.  I can acknowledge the amount of times you hear, “I am sorry for your loss”, “please reach out if you need anything”, or “let me know what I can do”. 

Every person is unique to their personality and so every person will grieve differently.  Therefore, we will all need different things. I will be the first to tell you, if you are grieving, to allow yourself to do what you need to do to be ok.  As long as you are not physically hurting another person or behaving in a dangerous manner, then you have free range.  Others can try and judge, but this is not their path.  As far as what to do and what to say if you know someone who is grieving, I have some advice for you too. 

Before I tell you the BEST thing you can say, I have to tell you this: do NOT say something just to say it! Do NOT offer help that you are unwilling to give.  People will offer to help and say they are here for whatever we need whenever we need it, but that is not always the case.  There are definitely people who mean it and will fulfill that promise. However, I know firsthand that not everyone that offers help will be there when they are then asked to help.  That is ok.  Some people wish they could help, but they have family and work and other commitments that make it difficult or impossible.  I know that my own life leaves me looking sometimes at very creative ways to help others when I just can’t be there in person.  Also, it is ok to be specific with what you can offer.  Maybe say, “If you want to talk, call or text anytime” or “I will be in touch with you to set up a time to drop off dinner”.  If you do offer something up, assume they won’t remember right away or could be overwhelmed.  Reach out to them a few days after services and offer to make good on whatever it is you said you would do.  If you offered to be an ear for them, then shoot them a text and just check-in.  If you don’t hear back, don’t take it personally.  This person knows you’re there.  When and if they want to talk, they will.   A VERY important thing to remember is that you don’t have to offer anything. You can just be there and pay respects.

Another “don’t”, if you will, is DON’T SAY, “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL” unless you actually went through the EXACT same experience. EXACT. It does not offer comfort unless someone sees that you have truly been there, understand, and can offer hope. That being said, even if you have had the same experience, or something similar, you are still two different people and this time is raw for them. Acknowledge this is their time by not comparing or contrasting an experience you had yourself. You can always say, “this is not a club I want people to join, but there are others who can listen and help if you would ever want that”. There is one thing you can say, that offers the most appreciation from those grieving. The best sentence to say to someone grieving, at any point in time, sounds perhaps too simple or like it’s somehow not enough, but I assure you, it is.

“I have no idea what to say, but I can offer a hug if you would like.”

This is genuine. This allows the grieving to have space. It gives them a chance to know that they don’t have to smile or show anything to anyone. This person can be allowed to be themselves, to be real. With that simple statement, you have given them a chance to just be. There isn’t anything you can say or do that changes the loss. There is no space or healing or mood you can put someone in at that point in time or really anytime before they are ready to heal. By just saying that there is nothing you can say, it let’s the person know that you understand this situation sucks. Sometimes we all need to be allowed to say, “this sucks” and leave it at that.

One last piece of advice, grief never leaves. It may change forms, but it is always there. Healing can happen and will in all of us that seek it. We can heal and still have grief. They are not mutually exclusive. On birthdays, anniversaries, or other special times or when a song comes on the radio, grief returns in some way, shape, or form. Those times are also the perfect place to reach out and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking about you and sending strength/hope/love/prayers/hugs/etc”. Perhaps now is a good time to reach out to someone with that message. Feeling supported is one of the best feelings we can have and give. Life happens and death also happens and death does suck. For all the sucky parts of life, there are still so very many wonderful parts. Remember those who are grieving, reach out to them, and remind them, by being a friend, that life is still wonderful and hope is right around the corner.

Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy, personal associations.

I loved my childhood. Perhaps I was one of the lucky ones. I know not everyone has had a great past. I had amazing parents, family, and friends that might have just as well been family. My mother loved cooking and, especially, loved Christmas. Thanksgiving as a kid was filled with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. It meant more food than anyone could fathom, especially with my mother and my aunt at the helm of all the cooking. It meant crescent rolls and my mom’s stuffing. It meant olives nobody liked so they were little rocks to fling at a sibling when they weren’t looking. It meant after dinner watching WWF and Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan. It meant smells and sounds and voices from people that may not have always gotten along, but were still indicative of love. Every family has times they don’t get along, but Thanksgiving was a time to truly be grateful, for all of our blessings, including each other.

As the years have passed, life has changed, as life does. Many of the people around that extra long Thanksgiving Day table have passed on. Many others have been added to the family. Families have branched off into doing their own dinners with their immediate family or in-laws. The immediate family I grew up with no longer exists. My amazing, sweet, light-hearted mother left us in 2001, shortly after Thanksgiving. Two years later, my brother Mike, the true comedian of the crew, passed on. My husband and I got married and started our own family. In 2015, cancer took him from us and, 3 years later, in 2018 COPD took my dad.

Every Thanksgiving, I have been grateful for those around my table. I am so blessed for each and every person and memory they left me. It still doesn’t stop me from being nostalgic. There is a longing that never quite goes away. It gets stronger during the holidays. This is a time for traditions, after all. It is a time when I cook some of the same recipes that my mother made. It is a time when I remember my loved ones even more and missing them more than usual. I have always believed that when you are missing someone who has passed away, it is because they are right there with you, so close you could almost touch them. This brings comfort and I have no doubt that they are here, celebrating another year with my children and me. A few days ago, my youngest asked me to tell him about my brother, Mike. I told him how hilarious he was and how, even though we could fight like cats and dogs, he could always crack me up. I told him how I know he would have been the BEST uncle, just a big kid himself at heart. I am blessed to have people in my life who knew my mom well. This week, I sat down for lunch with a few of them. It did make me a little sad, but in a good way, if that’s possible? They told me how much my mother wanted grandchildren and how she would have been spoiling them rotten. My children have definitely not lacked being spoiled, I assure you. Their grandfather, my dad, got to meet them all, spend an enormous amount of time with them, and spoil them plenty. I knew they were his heart and soul before he passed away. It isn’t easy, parenting alone. I hear him in my head often, the advice I know he would give me. Maybe I just know this advice because I have my parents as a part of me, no matter how long they have been gone. Either way, again I gain comfort. In a conversation with one of my mother’s friends last week, she told me how my mother was always making her laugh, smile and feel better. She described my mom as always so positive and how she would always tell her to “just relax”, “let things go”, and, my favorite, “you have got to be able to laugh!” I have heard from a few of my parent’s friends that I am very much like my mother. I know I am positive and I certainly love to laugh. It heals! It has been my mission, for the past few years especially, to help others see how good life really is, to help others let things go, and to make people smile. If I am like my mother in these ways, I am more blessed than I could have ever asked. See, I remember my mom the same way. And when I get down, I think of what she would say to me, what she would do. Then, I do it. I let that voice inside of me listen to her and to my father, to their advice. The lessons and life outlook I inherited is a gift. I do miss them so very much. I am a sucker for spending time with old friends and being able to chat about memories back when they were alive.

My experiences have taught me two very important lessons that come in handy all year long, not just at the holidays. I have learned that, although memories can make us sad sometimes, they have every right to be a part of our lives. This is how we remember, learn, and grow. This is how we remember where we came from and who we have become. I have never remembered a time when I was not grateful. I think my experiences just highlight the importance of recognizing our blessings. As much as things can get busy and crazy in life, take the time EVERY DAY to see your blessings. Four of my biggest blessings will be sitting around my table tomorrow with me when we celebrate another year of blessings over our Thanksgiving meal. I give thanks for my past. I give thanks for my present, my children, my friends, the roof over our head that my father built, the love in my life. I give thanks for being able to laugh and for surrounding myself with others that make me laugh too. I give thanks for our future because my faith tells me it will be amazing. I give thanks for each and every one of you reading this. I pray that I have somehow been, and will continue to be, a blessing in your lives. I hope that all of you will stop, look at the people around your table, and know that you too are truly blessed. Happy Thanksgiving!

Every holiday season I get so excited to do EVERYTHING. I mean it. I have this idea that there are SO MANY more hours in each day and so many more days in each week. I guess this is how my brain works for much of the rest of my life, to be quite honest. It just intensifies at Christmas because there are certain things, lots of things, that people just do at the holidays that they don’t really do any other time of the year. Some of these things can definitely be done other times of the year, like giving of oneself and volunteering, but those acts also can be specific in exactly how you do them at the holidays.

There are some things that I look forward to because they are tradition and I cannot imagine the Christmas season without them. The holiday party I throw every year is the biggest one of those traditions. Then there’s the food. There are certain foods I make every year at Christmas. Many of them my mom made before me. This makes it important to me and extra special. It gives me a connection to my mom at a time when I need to feel her presence the most. Taking a walk around the LA Salette Shrine is another tradition. It’s a great time to meet up with friends, see a gorgeous light display, and light candles for our loved ones who are no longer with us in body, but now in spirit. Also, sending out Christmas cards is a must for me. I LOVE getting mail and I know other people do too. It’s a personal connection and I believe the world needs more of that.

Some activities we just need to do because they’re fun, simply fun. We watch as many holiday movies as possible. We need to try ALL the peppermint drinks at ALL the places while they still are selling them. (Please Cape Cod Coffee, bring back that Peppermint Mocha Mudslide from last year! OMG YUM!) Then there is cookie decorating, which the kids can’t seem to live without. We’ve got to get the gingerbread houses decorated, not to mention our own houses decorated, inside and out! We can’t forget about the Christmas parade. Then there’s getting together to paint ornaments, write out cards for soldiers, take a family to sponsor for the giving tree at church… Oh and of course shopping and wrapping!!!

That brings us to the next category of things to do at the holidays: the new things. These are the activities that we either just found out about or have said we really want to try, year after year, yet somehow, we have not. I’ve wanted to see the ice castles. I’ve also heard there is a great chocolate tour not too far from us to spend a day doing.

Now it makes sense to you, doesn’t it? Why I need more hours in the day and days in the week? Or maybe just an extra day each weekend? Because I REALLY WANT TO DO ALL OF THIS!!! Is this realistic? With four kids and work and sports? With a dog and a house and cars to take care of? With groceries to buy and dinners to make? With homework to complete? I’m sure it is all possible, somehow, in some parallel universe where time stops or we can do it all over again. Maybe Michael J. Fox or Bill Murray would have some tips. However, every year, for as hard as I try, we cannot do it ALL. Trying to do it all will ruin a great holiday season and we DEFINITELY don’t want that.

One thing I do love to do is to slow down. To sit. To relax. To be present. But I sometimes forget, so this is my reminder. This is when we truly enjoy what is out there for us to experience. I have no idea how many things on our holiday “bucket list” we will actually accomplish this season. What I do know is that I will be PRESENT and MINDFUL with whatever it is that I am doing and to whomever my time is being given. We are blessed to live in a world where there is so much joy! Don’t lose that joy and the true meaning of whatever holiday you celebrate by getting caught up in the rush. Please stop, in the midst of the hustle and bustle, and take it all in, with all of your senses. We only get to live each moment once! Be IN those moments! Make those memories! Whether you love the holidays, hate them, or are somewhere in between, remember January is right around the corner. This season will fly by before you know it. YOU make it what it will be. YOU are the one responsible for creating the BEST memories. YOU are the only one responsible for YOUR JOY! I am sure I will still try to do as many of the holiday “things” that I can, but I am making a pinky promise to Santa himself to slow down and enjoy! HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY FRIENDS!!!❤️🎄🎅⛄️🤶💚

I’m going to cry alot next week. Especially Thursday. See, it’s senior night for volleyball and I have a high school senior. She is a three sport athlete and volleyball is her fall sport. There will still be basketball and lacrosse, but volleyball is her favorite. This is also the first of the “lasts”. In a few weeks, her last season of her high school volleyball career will be over. It’s a reminder of all the high school “lasts” left to come. I’m tearing up, in fact, writing this and just thinking about it! They aren’t bad tears. They’re human tears. This all evokes emotion and emotion has to come out somehow.

She is the oldest of my four children. She is the first to give me these “lasts”. Maybe I’ll get used to it or maybe I won’t. Firsts have always been really difficult for me. It makes me think of my late husband. I know he is always still with us, but not being able to share the pride I have for what these kids accomplish is just so hard. From the first year after he passed, I have been feeling these emotions. I am certain they never go away. I am not being pessimistic by saying so either. This is life. There will always be something that it just would have been nice to have him here for, especially for my children. It sucks to miss your dad. It’s that simple. When the bigger accomplishments happen, it sucks even more. Doing this on my own has not been easy. I make it a point to try to live in each moment and enjoy every possible second I can. I do this while also having this kind of relief as they get through different stages and accomplish different things. It’s like sometimes I’m holding my breath. Every year older they get, every next grade, every sport they move up in, every trip we take, I feel closer to thinking “I’ve done this!”. I am sometimes so scared of screwing up and so tired and burnt out that’s its amazing and relieving to me when they’ve gotten to the next age/level/etc. Like, while enjoying them now, I am trying to also make it to the point where I have raised them all and “made it” to where they are, hopefully, fully functional and responsible adults. It’s alot of pressure!

I am not writing all of this to be a Debbie- Downer either. I joke alot because we have to! Life is supposed to be fun and I know it has and will continue to be fun. I know I will look back and be amazed it went so fast. I already am. There are always hilarious moments when raising children. Right now, it’s just one of those times when the reality hits and the emotion of seeing my baby growing up is a bit overwhelming.

It seems like I was just bringing home from the hospital! She was a peanut, 4 lbs 5 oz! “Though she be little, she is fierce” has always applied! She did not sleep through the night for 2 years. We couldn’t sit her down long enough to feed her. As she ran by the table, we would make her stop and take a bite or two before she was off again. She probably ate like that for 5 years. In alot of ways, she still does. She amazes me with her drive and her energy. Even through health issues and losing loved ones, she never skips a beat. She knows how to have fun, even if it’s difficult to balance with school, work, sports, and community service. But she figures it out. She may never actually know how proud I am of her until she has her own children. I know I didn’t get it until then. I don’t think any of us do.

So here we are. In 12 days she will be playing in her last high school volleyball game. It will be Senior Night. She will be honored along with the other seniors. Our family will be there. I’m taking one of my other kids out of school early so we don’t miss a moment. We will go down on the court to take a picture with her. Don’t mind me. I will be balling my eyes out. It will probably make my kids cry too because that’s what happens in our family. I’m not going to apologize for it, not one bit. Nobody has to feel bad. It isn’t a bad thing. It just means we did it, we did another thing. SHE did it. And I am just SO PROUD.

I grew up a fat kid. My brother and I both did. Well, I mean fat by the standards of the ’80s. That’s very different than now, culturally. I understand that. However, by actual standards of health, we both were not the healthiest we could have been. We would sit together in front of the oven waiting for food to come out. When our mother would come home with the groceries and ask us to help her bring them in, he and I would finish the entire box of deviled dogs before she had the restbif the food put away. As a mom, I now understand how frustrating that really is!!! I will also never forget the time he made me choke on my green beans and I had to blow them out of my nose.

As we got into high school and college, both of us got into loving the gym, eating healthier, losing weight, and enjoying being more active. He was one hell of a strong guy, that’s for sure. I got more into running back then. I’m not sure it ever dawned on me two to three decades ago just how much we had in common, but I guess the list didn’t end in the gym.

I always thought he talked alot. Well, he did. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. He was louder than me. I definitely did get the chatty gene as well though. I remember all the times my parents would take us out to dinner. I was begging for attention and annoyed not to get it, all because he was louder and interrupted whenever I tried to speak up. We used to have these things that the older crowd may recall, the Want Ads. My brother would read off every, single vehicle in the book over dinner. It would drive me nuts! How did my parents just sit there and let him go on and on?? I mean, when I even start to talk to another adult now, my kids shut me down right away! My father would always say that I got that gene from my mother, but apparently so did my brother, Mike.

Mike was also extremely hilarious. He made us laugh constantly. I would like to think I got that gene too. Again, my kids might disagree, but what the heck do they know? Should you really trust someone who calls everyone “bruh”? It’s interesting as I have gotten older and learned more about myself and about what makes me happy, how much I come back to my roots. So much is in our DNA, of course, but it isn’t something we are aware of in our teens and twenties. I knew he and I looked alot alike. I think I assumed our positive personalities were just the way life in general was supposed to be. I was blessed with so many wonderful, funny friends. I never knew people could get down on themselves and stay there, not bouncing right back up.

At one point in his adult life, my brother discovered Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker. He listened to him constantly and emulated the man and his mission. My brother was a great speaker, so positive, and very motivating. He could finally use his gift of gab and sense of humor for good and not evil! Ha! As I have developed my passions that have become my career, I notice more similarities between the two of us. I am of a positive mindset. I have such a passion to spread that everywhere. As this passion has taken me down the road of speaking, I am realizing how much I love that medium. It is amazing to speak to a group of people and know you have made a difference, created some tiny change in someone that can then bloom and grow. It’s rewarding beyond measure. I was so proud of my brother, the way he held himself, the affect he had on others. He always left a room of people feeling better in some way because he had been there. I realize my life is so much more enriched now, not just back then, because Mike was my brother and because he truly was himself and was following his passion for helping others to become better.

None of this is something that I put any stock into as I have navigated my own career path. Yet here it is. I always say how blessed I was to receive my parents positive perspectives. Lately, I realize that Mike and I both did. He showed me how to use it before I even realized it was a thing. I am so grateful that he was a role model for me. I am certain he never thought of himself as one to his little, bratty sister. He was so wrong. I had that positive outlook and a passion to help others, but he showed me how to use it. He showed me how to pull it out of yourself, especially when it takes you out of your comfort zone. This is where the magic happens, after all. He showed me it was possible to spark something in people that leads to change. It’s a beautiful talent and I am blessed to be able to pass positivity out into the world as well.

I have thought about how cool it would have been to do these things together, he and I. Knowing our goofiness, it would probably turn into a farting comedy duo… He might be telling me about an ’82 ‘vette for sale. There would absolutely be an empty box of deviled dogs. I would definitely have green beans coming out of my nose.

On this, the eve of the 19th year since he passed away, I feel compelled to thank him for his inadvertent role in helping me to form who I am today.

What did you have for dinner last night? There is a one in three chance you ate out last night and it was fast food. There is also a 9 out of 10 chance you did not get the adequate amount of fruits and veggies for your body to maintain a healthy status over time. That’s ok though. You may also be in the nearly half of all Americans that are taking some kind of medication to help their high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or type 2 diabetes. So no worries…you’ve got it covered.

If you are one of these people, well, you probably don’t want to read this. You need to though. It’s always the stuff we don’t want to hear, we don’t want to change, that’s really the best for us. I know it sucks when your parents were right or your spouse was right or maybe even your doctor was right. If you want to keep reading, then pay attention, close attention. FOOD IS A DRUG. Food will nourish our bodies and make us far healthier, give us more energy, help us sleep better, taste better, and help us to think better! This is just for starters! Food can also make us unhealthy, obese, give us cardiovascular disease, set us up for being prime candidates for certain types of cancers, make us sleep horribly, make our joints ache, give us brain fog, make us bloated, and a number of other things detrimental to our health.

Since history has known anything about humans, food was used as a drug. Certain foods could fix ailments. This isn’t new age voodoo. There are foods today that offer these effects if we choose to make different choices. Just like anything in your life, it’s up to you. I love my ice cream. I won’t hide it. I also prefer my calories to be from ice cream that was made from the fewest and freshest ingredients. Your taste buds know the difference. Trust me. When I have had really good, fresh ice cream for months in the summer, the half gallons of any flavor at the grocery store are disappointing to my taste buds to say the least! So I am not saying never eat the foods you love. I’m just saying to be aware of what is going into your body and make better choices.

Organic foods, fruits, vegetables and farmer’s markets all seem to be priced higher than what we can buy processed and in a box or can. However, we all pay our health insurance premiums. If you do not pay anything, that’s awesome. I’m happy for you. You are in the minority. When we pay for prescription drugs, we usually have some out of pocket co pay as well. Imagine having to pay for medications each month for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and something to help you sleep better. Perhaps you could take that money and buy some apples and some spinach. Just a thought and yes, I realize I am simplifying. I’m not out to write a book on the subject. At least not today. Who is benefitting from you eating crap? It’s not you. It’s not your family. It’s not even your doctor who prescribed it. Hey, if you are sitting there working for a pharmaceutical company, then congrats! This money IS for you! If you’re the CEO, well then, bravo! You can afford that yummy, healthy food.

Listen there are plenty of necessary medicines that help people every day. I am not saying all medicine is bad. I just want people to realize that there is a way out of being constantly drugged up and feeling like crap for most people. Change is hard. We can all start by making one healthy change at a time. Just one. When it becomes a habit, make another one. My family is CONSTANTLY in a rush. I do not stop all day and into the night as well. I am raising 4 kids by myself for Pete’s sake! I need groceries though. So I try to buy 90% healthier food. I do buy them treats. I also grocery shop a big trip every 2 weeks, normally. When the treat is gone, it’s gone. If it’s not spread out and savored, they wait for more and have no choice, but to make the better choices. That is what is available to them. Cooking isn’t always an option either, but if I can manage it most nights, then you definitely can! There are lots of ways to get around your excuses. If you want to keep making them, then that’s up to you. If you decide to make a change and need support or help, hit me up. I love seeing people take the reins and make their futures better than they ever dreamed. I am all for you reaching your goals. You’ve got this. Maybe you aren’t ready for change. There will be a time when your body tells you loud and clear that change is inevitable. Don’t wait until then. As someone very wise said (and I can’t remember who at this moment in my ramblings) “Do your best until you know better. Then do better.” That might not be the exact quote, but you get my point. One day at a time, make your own life better. Change happens with you first, always with you.

My son had a homework assignment last weekend for his English class.  It was to write a poem based off of George Ella Lyons poem titled “Where I’m From”.  He hates writing, very unlike his mother.  Once he got on a roll, it was really fun to see what he came up with and it got me thinking about this assignment and what my own might look like.  Inspired by 8th grade English homework, is this post…

I am from my mother’s laughter.  I am from my brother making us laugh so hard that my mother couldn’t breathe and would start wheezing while tears were coming out of her eyes because my brother was actually THAT funny.  That would make us all laugh even harder until we were all crying and if we tried to stop and caught each other’s eye, we would just start right back all over again.  I am from E. Pole School, where I met my oldest, longest friends.  I am from Mrs. Cunningham in the 1st grade threatening to “shake us up” and Mrs. O’brien in 2nd grade taking me out for a hot fudge sundae after I didn’t cry all week in school.  I am from her making me love school again.  I am from all the books I have read from The Babysitter’s Club series to the cookbooks in my mother’s kitchen.  I am from my mother’s pumpkin bread and tollhouse cookie squares and chicken and rice and shepherd’s pie.  I am from family game nights and that night we played Balderdash and I laughed so hard that I inhaled a green bean and had to blow it out my nose.  I am from the organizations my parents volunteered with and the bike- a-thon my mom brought me to when I was about 10.  I am from my dad’s involvement in the Taunton Rotary Club and the amazing friends we met through the international exchange programs and the people we hosted in our home.  I am from my grandfather’s garden of enormous tomatoes that I used to eat like apples.  I am from fresh malasadas dripping oil through the paper bag carrying them home from the bakery.  I am from The Christmas City and a very Christmas family.  I am from The Brady Bunch and The Facts of Life, The Wonder Years and General Hospital.  I am from a babysitter that was cooler than cool, letting me stay up on Saturday nights to watch The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.  I am from laying on the beach in the summers listening to Days of Our Lives on the radio with my best friend.  I am from all the fur babies that made each and every day better.  I am from the parties my parents let me have in the basement.  I am from sharing my mom’s chex mix during lunch in high school so we would all have bad breath.  I am from the instruments I have played: the piano, the clarinet, the alto and soprano saxophones.  I am from playing 45 during study hall and never being able to play it with anyone who wasn’t from my hometown.  I am from Reo Soeedwagon and Van Halen.  I am from New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson.  (Nope, not Deborah, Debbie because back then she was still Debbie.)  I am from my garbage pail kids cards, Fayva Shoes, and the smell of my mom’s Jean Naté.  I am from my family’s sarcasm, learning laughter is always the best medicine.  I am from road trips and road trips and road trips.  I am from my brother’s friends sitting on top of me to steal my sandwich.  I am from traveling to England alone to visit friends when I was 18 years old.  I am from trying Guiness and night clubs that stayed open until 4am and coming home with a pierced belly button. 

I am from boarding a plane to travel to Denver for what would be one of the best, but also hardest, most homesick times in my life.  I am from my friends all over the world, the bus rides, the conversations, the hugs.  I am from the love and kindness of friends from so many states, and other countries as well, that traveled to see me and offer support when my husband was sick and after he died.  I am from the years of silliness with Bobby.  I am from the expressions on his face when I was doing something crazy,  but he loved me even more for not caring.  I am from dancing in the kitchen. I am from watching Goonies and Beautiful Girls and The Sound of Music over and over again.  I am from my mom’s Christmas party every year and me continuing the tradition with my own family.  I am from the grief of losing my mom and being lost for 2 years and then losing my brother after that.  I am from the hope and fire in my soul that sought out the healing.  I am from the joy of all my babies, the four here on earth and the one watching us with his daddy in heaven.  I am from heartache and hope, joys and frustrations, rain and sun. I am from every single person I have ever met and every single person I have yet to meet. I am from the lessons they have taught me and the memories we have made. I am from all of these things and people and places. Most of all, I am from the love of the people who have raised me, held me up along the way, and continue to do so each and every day. I am from them allowing me to use what I have inside of me to raise children to be the good in this world.  I am from being able to give what I have inside to offer hope to all those I am blessed enough to touch.