I am going to tell you the BEST thing you can say to someone who is grieving. I am not a grief counselor, but my life experience screams otherwise.  By the age of 41, I had lost my parents, my brothers, a baby, and my husband.  I had also lost other close family members and watched several friends lose their own loved ones.  Our current knowledge is based on what we have learned about in the past.  Some of that knowledge will come from books and classes, while other parts of it will be based on our experiences, good and bad.  I am often the person that others come to when they need to know what to do or say to support a loved one who has experienced the passing of someone close.  The one statement I hear the most is, “I don’t know what to say”.  

I feel compelled to address this, as we all will be in this situation at one time or another.  You know the feeling, standing in line at the wake, making small talk to those around you, paying your respects to the casket, then being eye to eye with the grieving.  Being on both sides, I can honor the awkwardness that is felt.  I can honor the hurt and the pain and trying to perhaps put on a smile for the crowd.  I can acknowledge the amount of times you hear, “I am sorry for your loss”, “please reach out if you need anything”, or “let me know what I can do”. 

Every person is unique to their personality and so every person will grieve differently.  Therefore, we will all need different things. I will be the first to tell you, if you are grieving, to allow yourself to do what you need to do to be ok.  As long as you are not physically hurting another person or behaving in a dangerous manner, then you have free range.  Others can try and judge, but this is not their path.  As far as what to do and what to say if you know someone who is grieving, I have some advice for you too. 

Before I tell you the BEST thing you can say, I have to tell you this: do NOT say something just to say it! Do NOT offer help that you are unwilling to give.  People will offer to help and say they are here for whatever we need whenever we need it, but that is not always the case.  There are definitely people who mean it and will fulfill that promise. However, I know firsthand that not everyone that offers help will be there when they are then asked to help.  That is ok.  Some people wish they could help, but they have family and work and other commitments that make it difficult or impossible.  I know that my own life leaves me looking sometimes at very creative ways to help others when I just can’t be there in person.  Also, it is ok to be specific with what you can offer.  Maybe say, “If you want to talk, call or text anytime” or “I will be in touch with you to set up a time to drop off dinner”.  If you do offer something up, assume they won’t remember right away or could be overwhelmed.  Reach out to them a few days after services and offer to make good on whatever it is you said you would do.  If you offered to be an ear for them, then shoot them a text and just check-in.  If you don’t hear back, don’t take it personally.  This person knows you’re there.  When and if they want to talk, they will.   A VERY important thing to remember is that you don’t have to offer anything. You can just be there and pay respects.

Another “don’t”, if you will, is DON’T SAY, “I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL” unless you actually went through the EXACT same experience. EXACT. It does not offer comfort unless someone sees that you have truly been there, understand, and can offer hope. That being said, even if you have had the same experience, or something similar, you are still two different people and this time is raw for them. Acknowledge this is their time by not comparing or contrasting an experience you had yourself. You can always say, “this is not a club I want people to join, but there are others who can listen and help if you would ever want that”. There is one thing you can say, that offers the most appreciation from those grieving. The best sentence to say to someone grieving, at any point in time, sounds perhaps too simple or like it’s somehow not enough, but I assure you, it is.

“I have no idea what to say, but I can offer a hug if you would like.”

This is genuine. This allows the grieving to have space. It gives them a chance to know that they don’t have to smile or show anything to anyone. This person can be allowed to be themselves, to be real. With that simple statement, you have given them a chance to just be. There isn’t anything you can say or do that changes the loss. There is no space or healing or mood you can put someone in at that point in time or really anytime before they are ready to heal. By just saying that there is nothing you can say, it let’s the person know that you understand this situation sucks. Sometimes we all need to be allowed to say, “this sucks” and leave it at that.

One last piece of advice, grief never leaves. It may change forms, but it is always there. Healing can happen and will in all of us that seek it. We can heal and still have grief. They are not mutually exclusive. On birthdays, anniversaries, or other special times or when a song comes on the radio, grief returns in some way, shape, or form. Those times are also the perfect place to reach out and say, “I don’t know what to say, but I am thinking about you and sending strength/hope/love/prayers/hugs/etc”. Perhaps now is a good time to reach out to someone with that message. Feeling supported is one of the best feelings we can have and give. Life happens and death also happens and death does suck. For all the sucky parts of life, there are still so very many wonderful parts. Remember those who are grieving, reach out to them, and remind them, by being a friend, that life is still wonderful and hope is right around the corner.

Nostalgia: a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy, personal associations.

I loved my childhood. Perhaps I was one of the lucky ones. I know not everyone has had a great past. I had amazing parents, family, and friends that might have just as well been family. My mother loved cooking and, especially, loved Christmas. Thanksgiving as a kid was filled with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. It meant more food than anyone could fathom, especially with my mother and my aunt at the helm of all the cooking. It meant crescent rolls and my mom’s stuffing. It meant olives nobody liked so they were little rocks to fling at a sibling when they weren’t looking. It meant after dinner watching WWF and Macho Man Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan. It meant smells and sounds and voices from people that may not have always gotten along, but were still indicative of love. Every family has times they don’t get along, but Thanksgiving was a time to truly be grateful, for all of our blessings, including each other.

As the years have passed, life has changed, as life does. Many of the people around that extra long Thanksgiving Day table have passed on. Many others have been added to the family. Families have branched off into doing their own dinners with their immediate family or in-laws. The immediate family I grew up with no longer exists. My amazing, sweet, light-hearted mother left us in 2001, shortly after Thanksgiving. Two years later, my brother Mike, the true comedian of the crew, passed on. My husband and I got married and started our own family. In 2015, cancer took him from us and, 3 years later, in 2018 COPD took my dad.

Every Thanksgiving, I have been grateful for those around my table. I am so blessed for each and every person and memory they left me. It still doesn’t stop me from being nostalgic. There is a longing that never quite goes away. It gets stronger during the holidays. This is a time for traditions, after all. It is a time when I cook some of the same recipes that my mother made. It is a time when I remember my loved ones even more and missing them more than usual. I have always believed that when you are missing someone who has passed away, it is because they are right there with you, so close you could almost touch them. This brings comfort and I have no doubt that they are here, celebrating another year with my children and me. A few days ago, my youngest asked me to tell him about my brother, Mike. I told him how hilarious he was and how, even though we could fight like cats and dogs, he could always crack me up. I told him how I know he would have been the BEST uncle, just a big kid himself at heart. I am blessed to have people in my life who knew my mom well. This week, I sat down for lunch with a few of them. It did make me a little sad, but in a good way, if that’s possible? They told me how much my mother wanted grandchildren and how she would have been spoiling them rotten. My children have definitely not lacked being spoiled, I assure you. Their grandfather, my dad, got to meet them all, spend an enormous amount of time with them, and spoil them plenty. I knew they were his heart and soul before he passed away. It isn’t easy, parenting alone. I hear him in my head often, the advice I know he would give me. Maybe I just know this advice because I have my parents as a part of me, no matter how long they have been gone. Either way, again I gain comfort. In a conversation with one of my mother’s friends last week, she told me how my mother was always making her laugh, smile and feel better. She described my mom as always so positive and how she would always tell her to “just relax”, “let things go”, and, my favorite, “you have got to be able to laugh!” I have heard from a few of my parent’s friends that I am very much like my mother. I know I am positive and I certainly love to laugh. It heals! It has been my mission, for the past few years especially, to help others see how good life really is, to help others let things go, and to make people smile. If I am like my mother in these ways, I am more blessed than I could have ever asked. See, I remember my mom the same way. And when I get down, I think of what she would say to me, what she would do. Then, I do it. I let that voice inside of me listen to her and to my father, to their advice. The lessons and life outlook I inherited is a gift. I do miss them so very much. I am a sucker for spending time with old friends and being able to chat about memories back when they were alive.

My experiences have taught me two very important lessons that come in handy all year long, not just at the holidays. I have learned that, although memories can make us sad sometimes, they have every right to be a part of our lives. This is how we remember, learn, and grow. This is how we remember where we came from and who we have become. I have never remembered a time when I was not grateful. I think my experiences just highlight the importance of recognizing our blessings. As much as things can get busy and crazy in life, take the time EVERY DAY to see your blessings. Four of my biggest blessings will be sitting around my table tomorrow with me when we celebrate another year of blessings over our Thanksgiving meal. I give thanks for my past. I give thanks for my present, my children, my friends, the roof over our head that my father built, the love in my life. I give thanks for being able to laugh and for surrounding myself with others that make me laugh too. I give thanks for our future because my faith tells me it will be amazing. I give thanks for each and every one of you reading this. I pray that I have somehow been, and will continue to be, a blessing in your lives. I hope that all of you will stop, look at the people around your table, and know that you too are truly blessed. Happy Thanksgiving!

Every holiday season I get so excited to do EVERYTHING. I mean it. I have this idea that there are SO MANY more hours in each day and so many more days in each week. I guess this is how my brain works for much of the rest of my life, to be quite honest. It just intensifies at Christmas because there are certain things, lots of things, that people just do at the holidays that they don’t really do any other time of the year. Some of these things can definitely be done other times of the year, like giving of oneself and volunteering, but those acts also can be specific in exactly how you do them at the holidays.

There are some things that I look forward to because they are tradition and I cannot imagine the Christmas season without them. The holiday party I throw every year is the biggest one of those traditions. Then there’s the food. There are certain foods I make every year at Christmas. Many of them my mom made before me. This makes it important to me and extra special. It gives me a connection to my mom at a time when I need to feel her presence the most. Taking a walk around the LA Salette Shrine is another tradition. It’s a great time to meet up with friends, see a gorgeous light display, and light candles for our loved ones who are no longer with us in body, but now in spirit. Also, sending out Christmas cards is a must for me. I LOVE getting mail and I know other people do too. It’s a personal connection and I believe the world needs more of that.

Some activities we just need to do because they’re fun, simply fun. We watch as many holiday movies as possible. We need to try ALL the peppermint drinks at ALL the places while they still are selling them. (Please Cape Cod Coffee, bring back that Peppermint Mocha Mudslide from last year! OMG YUM!) Then there is cookie decorating, which the kids can’t seem to live without. We’ve got to get the gingerbread houses decorated, not to mention our own houses decorated, inside and out! We can’t forget about the Christmas parade. Then there’s getting together to paint ornaments, write out cards for soldiers, take a family to sponsor for the giving tree at church… Oh and of course shopping and wrapping!!!

That brings us to the next category of things to do at the holidays: the new things. These are the activities that we either just found out about or have said we really want to try, year after year, yet somehow, we have not. I’ve wanted to see the ice castles. I’ve also heard there is a great chocolate tour not too far from us to spend a day doing.

Now it makes sense to you, doesn’t it? Why I need more hours in the day and days in the week? Or maybe just an extra day each weekend? Because I REALLY WANT TO DO ALL OF THIS!!! Is this realistic? With four kids and work and sports? With a dog and a house and cars to take care of? With groceries to buy and dinners to make? With homework to complete? I’m sure it is all possible, somehow, in some parallel universe where time stops or we can do it all over again. Maybe Michael J. Fox or Bill Murray would have some tips. However, every year, for as hard as I try, we cannot do it ALL. Trying to do it all will ruin a great holiday season and we DEFINITELY don’t want that.

One thing I do love to do is to slow down. To sit. To relax. To be present. But I sometimes forget, so this is my reminder. This is when we truly enjoy what is out there for us to experience. I have no idea how many things on our holiday “bucket list” we will actually accomplish this season. What I do know is that I will be PRESENT and MINDFUL with whatever it is that I am doing and to whomever my time is being given. We are blessed to live in a world where there is so much joy! Don’t lose that joy and the true meaning of whatever holiday you celebrate by getting caught up in the rush. Please stop, in the midst of the hustle and bustle, and take it all in, with all of your senses. We only get to live each moment once! Be IN those moments! Make those memories! Whether you love the holidays, hate them, or are somewhere in between, remember January is right around the corner. This season will fly by before you know it. YOU make it what it will be. YOU are the one responsible for creating the BEST memories. YOU are the only one responsible for YOUR JOY! I am sure I will still try to do as many of the holiday “things” that I can, but I am making a pinky promise to Santa himself to slow down and enjoy! HAPPY HOLIDAYS MY FRIENDS!!!❤️🎄🎅⛄️🤶💚

I’m going to cry alot next week. Especially Thursday. See, it’s senior night for volleyball and I have a high school senior. She is a three sport athlete and volleyball is her fall sport. There will still be basketball and lacrosse, but volleyball is her favorite. This is also the first of the “lasts”. In a few weeks, her last season of her high school volleyball career will be over. It’s a reminder of all the high school “lasts” left to come. I’m tearing up, in fact, writing this and just thinking about it! They aren’t bad tears. They’re human tears. This all evokes emotion and emotion has to come out somehow.

She is the oldest of my four children. She is the first to give me these “lasts”. Maybe I’ll get used to it or maybe I won’t. Firsts have always been really difficult for me. It makes me think of my late husband. I know he is always still with us, but not being able to share the pride I have for what these kids accomplish is just so hard. From the first year after he passed, I have been feeling these emotions. I am certain they never go away. I am not being pessimistic by saying so either. This is life. There will always be something that it just would have been nice to have him here for, especially for my children. It sucks to miss your dad. It’s that simple. When the bigger accomplishments happen, it sucks even more. Doing this on my own has not been easy. I make it a point to try to live in each moment and enjoy every possible second I can. I do this while also having this kind of relief as they get through different stages and accomplish different things. It’s like sometimes I’m holding my breath. Every year older they get, every next grade, every sport they move up in, every trip we take, I feel closer to thinking “I’ve done this!”. I am sometimes so scared of screwing up and so tired and burnt out that’s its amazing and relieving to me when they’ve gotten to the next age/level/etc. Like, while enjoying them now, I am trying to also make it to the point where I have raised them all and “made it” to where they are, hopefully, fully functional and responsible adults. It’s alot of pressure!

I am not writing all of this to be a Debbie- Downer either. I joke alot because we have to! Life is supposed to be fun and I know it has and will continue to be fun. I know I will look back and be amazed it went so fast. I already am. There are always hilarious moments when raising children. Right now, it’s just one of those times when the reality hits and the emotion of seeing my baby growing up is a bit overwhelming.

It seems like I was just bringing home from the hospital! She was a peanut, 4 lbs 5 oz! “Though she be little, she is fierce” has always applied! She did not sleep through the night for 2 years. We couldn’t sit her down long enough to feed her. As she ran by the table, we would make her stop and take a bite or two before she was off again. She probably ate like that for 5 years. In alot of ways, she still does. She amazes me with her drive and her energy. Even through health issues and losing loved ones, she never skips a beat. She knows how to have fun, even if it’s difficult to balance with school, work, sports, and community service. But she figures it out. She may never actually know how proud I am of her until she has her own children. I know I didn’t get it until then. I don’t think any of us do.

So here we are. In 12 days she will be playing in her last high school volleyball game. It will be Senior Night. She will be honored along with the other seniors. Our family will be there. I’m taking one of my other kids out of school early so we don’t miss a moment. We will go down on the court to take a picture with her. Don’t mind me. I will be balling my eyes out. It will probably make my kids cry too because that’s what happens in our family. I’m not going to apologize for it, not one bit. Nobody has to feel bad. It isn’t a bad thing. It just means we did it, we did another thing. SHE did it. And I am just SO PROUD.

I grew up a fat kid. My brother and I both did. Well, I mean fat by the standards of the ’80s. That’s very different than now, culturally. I understand that. However, by actual standards of health, we both were not the healthiest we could have been. We would sit together in front of the oven waiting for food to come out. When our mother would come home with the groceries and ask us to help her bring them in, he and I would finish the entire box of deviled dogs before she had the restbif the food put away. As a mom, I now understand how frustrating that really is!!! I will also never forget the time he made me choke on my green beans and I had to blow them out of my nose.

As we got into high school and college, both of us got into loving the gym, eating healthier, losing weight, and enjoying being more active. He was one hell of a strong guy, that’s for sure. I got more into running back then. I’m not sure it ever dawned on me two to three decades ago just how much we had in common, but I guess the list didn’t end in the gym.

I always thought he talked alot. Well, he did. I couldn’t get a word in edgewise. He was louder than me. I definitely did get the chatty gene as well though. I remember all the times my parents would take us out to dinner. I was begging for attention and annoyed not to get it, all because he was louder and interrupted whenever I tried to speak up. We used to have these things that the older crowd may recall, the Want Ads. My brother would read off every, single vehicle in the book over dinner. It would drive me nuts! How did my parents just sit there and let him go on and on?? I mean, when I even start to talk to another adult now, my kids shut me down right away! My father would always say that I got that gene from my mother, but apparently so did my brother, Mike.

Mike was also extremely hilarious. He made us laugh constantly. I would like to think I got that gene too. Again, my kids might disagree, but what the heck do they know? Should you really trust someone who calls everyone “bruh”? It’s interesting as I have gotten older and learned more about myself and about what makes me happy, how much I come back to my roots. So much is in our DNA, of course, but it isn’t something we are aware of in our teens and twenties. I knew he and I looked alot alike. I think I assumed our positive personalities were just the way life in general was supposed to be. I was blessed with so many wonderful, funny friends. I never knew people could get down on themselves and stay there, not bouncing right back up.

At one point in his adult life, my brother discovered Tony Robbins, the motivational speaker. He listened to him constantly and emulated the man and his mission. My brother was a great speaker, so positive, and very motivating. He could finally use his gift of gab and sense of humor for good and not evil! Ha! As I have developed my passions that have become my career, I notice more similarities between the two of us. I am of a positive mindset. I have such a passion to spread that everywhere. As this passion has taken me down the road of speaking, I am realizing how much I love that medium. It is amazing to speak to a group of people and know you have made a difference, created some tiny change in someone that can then bloom and grow. It’s rewarding beyond measure. I was so proud of my brother, the way he held himself, the affect he had on others. He always left a room of people feeling better in some way because he had been there. I realize my life is so much more enriched now, not just back then, because Mike was my brother and because he truly was himself and was following his passion for helping others to become better.

None of this is something that I put any stock into as I have navigated my own career path. Yet here it is. I always say how blessed I was to receive my parents positive perspectives. Lately, I realize that Mike and I both did. He showed me how to use it before I even realized it was a thing. I am so grateful that he was a role model for me. I am certain he never thought of himself as one to his little, bratty sister. He was so wrong. I had that positive outlook and a passion to help others, but he showed me how to use it. He showed me how to pull it out of yourself, especially when it takes you out of your comfort zone. This is where the magic happens, after all. He showed me it was possible to spark something in people that leads to change. It’s a beautiful talent and I am blessed to be able to pass positivity out into the world as well.

I have thought about how cool it would have been to do these things together, he and I. Knowing our goofiness, it would probably turn into a farting comedy duo… He might be telling me about an ’82 ‘vette for sale. There would absolutely be an empty box of deviled dogs. I would definitely have green beans coming out of my nose.

On this, the eve of the 19th year since he passed away, I feel compelled to thank him for his inadvertent role in helping me to form who I am today.

What did you have for dinner last night? There is a one in three chance you ate out last night and it was fast food. There is also a 9 out of 10 chance you did not get the adequate amount of fruits and veggies for your body to maintain a healthy status over time. That’s ok though. You may also be in the nearly half of all Americans that are taking some kind of medication to help their high cholesterol, high blood pressure, or type 2 diabetes. So no worries…you’ve got it covered.

If you are one of these people, well, you probably don’t want to read this. You need to though. It’s always the stuff we don’t want to hear, we don’t want to change, that’s really the best for us. I know it sucks when your parents were right or your spouse was right or maybe even your doctor was right. If you want to keep reading, then pay attention, close attention. FOOD IS A DRUG. Food will nourish our bodies and make us far healthier, give us more energy, help us sleep better, taste better, and help us to think better! This is just for starters! Food can also make us unhealthy, obese, give us cardiovascular disease, set us up for being prime candidates for certain types of cancers, make us sleep horribly, make our joints ache, give us brain fog, make us bloated, and a number of other things detrimental to our health.

Since history has known anything about humans, food was used as a drug. Certain foods could fix ailments. This isn’t new age voodoo. There are foods today that offer these effects if we choose to make different choices. Just like anything in your life, it’s up to you. I love my ice cream. I won’t hide it. I also prefer my calories to be from ice cream that was made from the fewest and freshest ingredients. Your taste buds know the difference. Trust me. When I have had really good, fresh ice cream for months in the summer, the half gallons of any flavor at the grocery store are disappointing to my taste buds to say the least! So I am not saying never eat the foods you love. I’m just saying to be aware of what is going into your body and make better choices.

Organic foods, fruits, vegetables and farmer’s markets all seem to be priced higher than what we can buy processed and in a box or can. However, we all pay our health insurance premiums. If you do not pay anything, that’s awesome. I’m happy for you. You are in the minority. When we pay for prescription drugs, we usually have some out of pocket co pay as well. Imagine having to pay for medications each month for high cholesterol, high blood pressure, and something to help you sleep better. Perhaps you could take that money and buy some apples and some spinach. Just a thought and yes, I realize I am simplifying. I’m not out to write a book on the subject. At least not today. Who is benefitting from you eating crap? It’s not you. It’s not your family. It’s not even your doctor who prescribed it. Hey, if you are sitting there working for a pharmaceutical company, then congrats! This money IS for you! If you’re the CEO, well then, bravo! You can afford that yummy, healthy food.

Listen there are plenty of necessary medicines that help people every day. I am not saying all medicine is bad. I just want people to realize that there is a way out of being constantly drugged up and feeling like crap for most people. Change is hard. We can all start by making one healthy change at a time. Just one. When it becomes a habit, make another one. My family is CONSTANTLY in a rush. I do not stop all day and into the night as well. I am raising 4 kids by myself for Pete’s sake! I need groceries though. So I try to buy 90% healthier food. I do buy them treats. I also grocery shop a big trip every 2 weeks, normally. When the treat is gone, it’s gone. If it’s not spread out and savored, they wait for more and have no choice, but to make the better choices. That is what is available to them. Cooking isn’t always an option either, but if I can manage it most nights, then you definitely can! There are lots of ways to get around your excuses. If you want to keep making them, then that’s up to you. If you decide to make a change and need support or help, hit me up. I love seeing people take the reins and make their futures better than they ever dreamed. I am all for you reaching your goals. You’ve got this. Maybe you aren’t ready for change. There will be a time when your body tells you loud and clear that change is inevitable. Don’t wait until then. As someone very wise said (and I can’t remember who at this moment in my ramblings) “Do your best until you know better. Then do better.” That might not be the exact quote, but you get my point. One day at a time, make your own life better. Change happens with you first, always with you.

My son had a homework assignment last weekend for his English class.  It was to write a poem based off of George Ella Lyons poem titled “Where I’m From”.  He hates writing, very unlike his mother.  Once he got on a roll, it was really fun to see what he came up with and it got me thinking about this assignment and what my own might look like.  Inspired by 8th grade English homework, is this post…

I am from my mother’s laughter.  I am from my brother making us laugh so hard that my mother couldn’t breathe and would start wheezing while tears were coming out of her eyes because my brother was actually THAT funny.  That would make us all laugh even harder until we were all crying and if we tried to stop and caught each other’s eye, we would just start right back all over again.  I am from E. Pole School, where I met my oldest, longest friends.  I am from Mrs. Cunningham in the 1st grade threatening to “shake us up” and Mrs. O’brien in 2nd grade taking me out for a hot fudge sundae after I didn’t cry all week in school.  I am from her making me love school again.  I am from all the books I have read from The Babysitter’s Club series to the cookbooks in my mother’s kitchen.  I am from my mother’s pumpkin bread and tollhouse cookie squares and chicken and rice and shepherd’s pie.  I am from family game nights and that night we played Balderdash and I laughed so hard that I inhaled a green bean and had to blow it out my nose.  I am from the organizations my parents volunteered with and the bike- a-thon my mom brought me to when I was about 10.  I am from my dad’s involvement in the Taunton Rotary Club and the amazing friends we met through the international exchange programs and the people we hosted in our home.  I am from my grandfather’s garden of enormous tomatoes that I used to eat like apples.  I am from fresh malasadas dripping oil through the paper bag carrying them home from the bakery.  I am from The Christmas City and a very Christmas family.  I am from The Brady Bunch and The Facts of Life, The Wonder Years and General Hospital.  I am from a babysitter that was cooler than cool, letting me stay up on Saturday nights to watch The Love Boat and Fantasy Island.  I am from laying on the beach in the summers listening to Days of Our Lives on the radio with my best friend.  I am from all the fur babies that made each and every day better.  I am from the parties my parents let me have in the basement.  I am from sharing my mom’s chex mix during lunch in high school so we would all have bad breath.  I am from the instruments I have played: the piano, the clarinet, the alto and soprano saxophones.  I am from playing 45 during study hall and never being able to play it with anyone who wasn’t from my hometown.  I am from Reo Soeedwagon and Van Halen.  I am from New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson.  (Nope, not Deborah, Debbie because back then she was still Debbie.)  I am from my garbage pail kids cards, Fayva Shoes, and the smell of my mom’s Jean Naté.  I am from my family’s sarcasm, learning laughter is always the best medicine.  I am from road trips and road trips and road trips.  I am from my brother’s friends sitting on top of me to steal my sandwich.  I am from traveling to England alone to visit friends when I was 18 years old.  I am from trying Guiness and night clubs that stayed open until 4am and coming home with a pierced belly button. 

I am from boarding a plane to travel to Denver for what would be one of the best, but also hardest, most homesick times in my life.  I am from my friends all over the world, the bus rides, the conversations, the hugs.  I am from the love and kindness of friends from so many states, and other countries as well, that traveled to see me and offer support when my husband was sick and after he died.  I am from the years of silliness with Bobby.  I am from the expressions on his face when I was doing something crazy,  but he loved me even more for not caring.  I am from dancing in the kitchen. I am from watching Goonies and Beautiful Girls and The Sound of Music over and over again.  I am from my mom’s Christmas party every year and me continuing the tradition with my own family.  I am from the grief of losing my mom and being lost for 2 years and then losing my brother after that.  I am from the hope and fire in my soul that sought out the healing.  I am from the joy of all my babies, the four here on earth and the one watching us with his daddy in heaven.  I am from heartache and hope, joys and frustrations, rain and sun. I am from every single person I have ever met and every single person I have yet to meet. I am from the lessons they have taught me and the memories we have made. I am from all of these things and people and places. Most of all, I am from the love of the people who have raised me, held me up along the way, and continue to do so each and every day. I am from them allowing me to use what I have inside of me to raise children to be the good in this world.  I am from being able to give what I have inside to offer hope to all those I am blessed enough to touch.

I suffer from seasonal depression. It’s probably not what you think though. It doesn’t happen when there is snow on the ground or when it dips below 40°F or when everyone seems to hibernate. I’m ok then. It doesn’t happen in the winter. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate the freaking winter. Aside from Christmas and maybe seeing one good snowfall, winter can suck it. However, it doesn’t really make me depressed.

Last night, I was driving my Jeep with the top and doors off. It was 59°F out. It was a reminder, a really shitty reminder, that it’s Labor Day Weekend. I hate Labor Day Weekend. As a kid, when we were “summer people” on the Cape, Labor Day meant we had to leave our beach cottage and go back to school. It meant no more sand in my toes and salt on my skin. It meant eventually my tan would fade. I’m Portuguese. I need my tan lines for true happiness. Leaving the Cape meant I wouldn’t see my summer friends again for months. Oh sure, I had my other friends, but they spent the summer visiting me anyways! There wasn’t ever, in my mind, a good, solid reason to leave! I remember the sparkle of the street lights below illuminating the Cape Cod Canal as we drove over the Bourne Bridge towards route 495. At least my mom wouldn’t make us leave until the last possible moment because she loved it just as much as we did. So it was always night time, always dark. I would stare out the station wagon window at the water down below, usually crying until, finally, I fell asleep. When I was in college, I started going to the Jimmy Buffet concert every summer with my brother and friends. He always played the Labor Day Weekend shows at what used to be called Great Woods. All summer we looked forward to another great show. The anticipation and the preparation for that day of tailgating and lawn seats was unprecedented. The hardest part was the next day. It wasn’t just a let down that the best concert of the summer was over. It was twice as bad of a heartbreak because summer was also at its end. Now, decades later, Kenny Chesney plays the end of summer show at Gillette Stadium. Again, it’s an incredible day of tailgating followed by an amazing show. I wouldn’t miss it for the world! It is, however, also a sign that summer is turning to fall. It’s a double edged sword really. We can’t wait for the show, but we also can’t rush summer!

There are so many reasons why summer is the season for me. Summer itself on Cape Cod really is its own vibe. It’s drives to Ptown and seeing a drive-in movie in Wellfleet. It’s not caring what time you have dinner or how late bedtime ends up being. It’s having time to walk the dog every morning because I’m not busy getting kids off to school. It’s cooking on the grill all the time or not cooking at all because it’s ice cream for dinner…again. It’s reading an entire book and having it not take months because of being so busy with kid’s activities. It’s summer sundresses. It’s everyone looks cooler in sunglasses. Summer just is THE BEST. You can disagree. It’s ok. You can’t be right all the time.

Now, I suppose there are some parents who welcome the kids going back to school. That’s not me. Don’t misunderstand me. They are definitely a huge pain in the ass being home all the time. They fight nearly nonstop. They leave dishes EVERYWHERE. They play way too much PS4. They eat and eat and eat some more. There is NEVER a clean towel when I need one. Try using 2 hand towels to dry your body when you get out of the shower. That’s fun. Still I would take summer any day. I do like a little peace and quiet and I’ll enjoy it tomorrow when all 4 are at school for the first time since the end of June, but it will still make me sad. It’s still a letdown. Today, as I walked the dog, I saw people packing up their cars and hugging each other and saying their summer good-byes. Allergies may have been kicking in, but I was probably just crying. I came home and did some laundry. I noticed that there were actually clean towels on the shelf in the bathroom. That’s the first time since June.

The weather is still beautiful. I am blessed to now be a year round Cape Codder, having moved here 20 years ago. The air is a little crisp, but it is still sunny out and hot when the September rain holds off. Sitting on the beach in September is nice. It’s quiet. I can certainly work remotely while sitting with my feet in the sand. I know I’m spoiled that way. Still, there is that sadness. All of my summer friends are back in their “winter” homes now. We will get to see them some weekends in the fall, which is always a bonus. Sitting next to each other in beach chairs and watching the sun glitter off the ocean is far better than a cold walk through the cranberry bogs or having to turn on the pellet stove to get the chill out of the air. I know I sound like a brat. There is still magic in the colors of the leaves and Dunks mint hot chocolate, but I can’t enjoy those in a bikini. As I always do, I will still aim my focus on the fun each season brings. Just don’t blame me when I start X-ing off the days on the calendar until Memorial Day Weekend rolls around again. Until then, I will try to hold onto this tan for as long as I can. At the moment, the house is quiet with the kids at school. It’s time for a shower where nobody barges in to sit on the toilet and chat with me. Oh, look! I even have a clean towel!

“I just wanna be happy!” Oh? Do you? How badly do you want to be happy? Bad enough to make changes in your mindset and your life? Bad enough to take action and be intentional? Do you have patience in the process? This is ALL on you, nobody else. If you’re ready, then read on. It is science, but not rocket science. You got this.

The concept of happiness has been studied dating back to 2,500 years ago. It has been studied over the years by many including Confucius, Aristotle, Socrates, and Buddha. These guys had some pretty simple concepts. I am here to tell you, from my own personal experience, that they were right in their findings. There are three key markers in people who report themselves to be the “happiest”.

1. Grateful people are happy people. When something goes wrong in your day, do you make it your only focus? Do you put as much of a focus on all of the other things that have gone right? Do you intentionally see the good in the world and the good around you every, single, darn day? I open my eyes every morning and intentionally start my day grateful. Before I grab for my phone to check emails or social media notifications, before I pull back my covers even, as soon as I am consciously out of my dreams and aware I am awake, I begin to be grateful. I believe in God, so this is who I thank. You can thank the universe or karma or whatever or whoever is meaningful to you! The point is to focus on your blessings. The way that I do this is to first focus on how grateful I am to have woken up, to be here to live another day with my family and my friends. I thank God for waking my children up as well and for the time that I will get to spend with them today and, especially, for their snuggles. Even when they have me going to bed sometimes feeling like I am failing to be everything they need (like all good moms and dads do from time to time) I still am lucky to have them. I then go through the day ahead and think of the things that I am looking forward to. It probably won’t be that dentist appointment, not gonna lie. However, it will be something as simple as the time I carved out for my morning walk with the dog. I put my focus intentionally out there on the good. I invite you to do the same. The second way I put gratitude into the world, is to simply say “please” and “thank you”! We teach our children this and expect it from them, but many of us as adults have forgotten that being polite and gracious is important. Nobody has to do anything for you. Remember that and be grateful they did. Another intentional way to show gratitude is to be in the moments throughout your day. Take a second or two in the chaos and stop. Look around. Marvel at the world, the beauty of nature, the art in statues you may pass by and never see, or children smiling and playing. Smile at what you notice, knowing that the world is good. Simple things can still remind us of this. The last gratitude practice that I will share here with you is what I do at the end of my day, every day. When I get into my bed at night, before I watch TV or read or play on my phone, I list 10 things that happened that day for which I am grateful. Even on the most challenging of days, these 10 things can be found, I promise you. I am grateful I made it to my bed at the end of the day. Some days are like that. It’s ok. You did. You made it. Some days it comes easy, others not so much, but do your best, make it intentional, and make it a habit.

2. Kind people are happy people. There is a reason why it feels good to be nice to others. It is because this is the way the world is intended to work. In order for a society to not become extinct, they need to work together and help one another. It is born inside us all to be helpers. As we get older, ego comes into play. When we put others before our own egos, we are given that wonderful feeling inside because this is what will grow more good and kindness. These actions, small and large, will assist other people in having better days. Better days lead to better overall health. Better overall health leads to longevity. This gives way for a group to continue to live and thrive. We all want to thrive. It isn’t difficult to be kind. It just takes, once again, an intentional mindset. Kindness can happen all day long and not cost you a penny or very much time at all! Kindness comes in many forms, all of which we teach our children! Hmm…have I talked about what we teach and expect from our children already? Why is it that we are not all practicing what we preach? Be an example through your actions. Go out today and look for all of the ways you can be kind. Do them. Then reflect on them. How did it make you feel? As you become a bearer of kindness, your heart will grow. The Grinch had to learn it, maybe you do too? Kindness cultivates happiness inside each of us that then emanates to those we connect with each day.

3. Find your joy! Happiness is not a tangible thing. It does not come from an outside source either. Happiness is a concept that grows inside of each and every one of us. Finding the things in your life that bring you joy and doing them will create a feeling of happiness inside of you. Joy to each one of us is going to look different. Joy comes from doing activities that we like. Joy comes from doing things that are fun. Joy also comes from spending our time with people who make us smile. We all have been in situations where the crowd wasn’t really our thing. When you leave, you sometimes have a feeling that maybe you wasted that time and could have been with someone else or been doing something else. Compare this to when we spend time with the people who we connect with, who make us laugh and smile, who appreciate us for exactly who we are. I, for one, walk away from that time lighter. I feel as if the smile will last for days and I can’t wait to see these people again. I feel comfortable and the time is seamless and truly enjoyable. There are times when we have no choice but to do things we don’t want to do and be around the people we would not have purposely chosen. However, when we take stock of how we spend our time, what we are doing that we truly enjoy, what we do not enjoy, and who we are giving space to in our lives, it becomes clear where the change should happen. Make a list of the activities that you love. Make a list of the people that make you the happiest to be around. Some of the joy in our lives also comes from things we choose to do alone. Perhaps joy is in reading a book or going for a walk or connecting to nature. Choose to do whatever you need to in your schedule to make the time for the people and things that bring you joy! Prioritize! As you are feeling more joyful, you are becoming a happier person!

As a wellness coach and someone who connects with and listens to those around me, I am always hearing the word “Happy”. We all hear this word from social media, friends, and family. Maybe you have already heard that you should do all of the things I’ve written about here. You either believe it or you don’t. Remember, it is never the job of someone else to change your outlook, mindset, and attitude. That is your job, and only your job. If you choose to try these practices, please remember patience. It may take you a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months to “feel” different inside. Give yourself grace. Not every day will feel great. Maybe some days you just do what you can to survive. Tomorrow will be better. We all have ups and downs. The happiest people know that it is all temporary. The ups will go down and the downs will go up. This is life. When life feels down, people who allow themselves to feel the sadness of the situation, but then believe it will get better are the happier people. The people who intentionally look for healthy ways to help them work through or get through any given situation, are the happiest people overall. The science is certainly out there. The ancient philosophers aren’t wrong. But, if you want to disagree, then at least try the practices of gratitude, kindness, and finding your joy over the next few weeks or months and then get back to me.

I went out three nights last week. Being that there are seven nights in each week, that amounts to almost 50% of my week nights (in case you are bad at math like me). It made me feel guilty. It made me feel like a shitty mom. I remember my parents running a bridge club every Tuesday night out of our finished basement. One Saturday night a month they would also run the bridge tournament. In addition to that, I remember them going out to dinner with friends. I would have a babysitter or, when I was older, I would just have a friend stay over to keep me company. If they felt guilty about doing those things for themselves, it definitely never showed. I also never felt slighted or like they loved me any less somehow because they spent time with their friends.

It’s pretty rare that I go do something three nights in one week with another adult and no children. However, we start back to school in a week and a half. Shortly after that, the fall season of baseball starts up again. The high school volleyball season also begins this week. Let me recall last fall. If my friend was not associated with the girls volleyball or the boys baseball, I did not see them, not at all. I actually went all the way from August until Christmas time before I saw some of my friends. When school is in session it is very unusual for me to have the energy to go out and do dinner with a friend or anything else during the week, even on the odd day that we don’t have a sport. When we finally have one night off from something, I just want to stay home, make dinner, and get the kids to bed early. Sometimes being a mom is exhausting! So, I go from feeling like a bad mom to feeling like a bad friend. It’s not that I don’t want to do it all because trust me I do. I would love to put more hours into the day or more days into the week, but that’s not the case. I’m human and I can’t always see everyone or give anybody 100%. Last week, those three nights that I went out did make me feel really guilty, like I should be doing something with my children. However, when I put it down on paper and take inventory of what my children actually did last week, it really shouldn’t make me feel bad. On Monday, I took them to Water Wizz with friends for the entire day. On the way home, I picked up pizzas and then we ate them in the living room and snuggled up together to watch Grown Ups. On Tuesday, one of my children was able to have a sleep over and I let my little one sleep in my bed with me. Another day, my youngest spent about 12 hours at his friend’s house having a blast. Meanwhile, my daughters saw their friends, worked their summer job, and went to the beach. When I feel like I’m not spending time with them and I have the time free to do so, they are usually already up to something with their friends anyways and don’t really want to do stuff with me. I’m not insulted because they’re teenagers and I get it. I’m so not cool to them at this stage in their lives.

Wednesday night I went to dinner with a friend. Thursday night I went to dinner with another friend. Saturday night I went to dinner with a friend and then went out to see my friends play in their band. I took phone calls from my children several times during all of those dinners and was perfectly fine and happy to hear from them and make sure they were fine at home. There was plenty of food at home. They were safe. During the days when I had gone out for dinner at night I had also spent time with them either at the beach or at home being present in their lives. So what has happened between our parents generation and our generation? When I make plans with friends, I feel guilty. My children say and do things that perpetuate me feeling guilty too! When friends ask me to do things and I say no because of spending time with my children or doing things with my children or the activities they need me to take them to or even just being exhausted, I feel guilty because I feel like a bad friend.

Is it maybe because I’m a single mom? Is it different when you have your spouse there and and you go out together? It’s been 7 years since I’ve had my husband to go out with so to be honest I don’t really remember. I don’t think I felt super guilty when he and I went out because we didn’t get to go out very often from either not having babysitters or just being tired because the kids were so little. So what is it? I know I need to take care of myself to make sure I am a good. I know that burn out is real. I know breaks and friends are important. I also know that my children are the MOST IMPORTANT. Their needs and most wants are being met (well, the reasonable ones)! I know my friends understand I love them too and just can’t always make it to a dinner or an event. So why the guilt then? What do I need to do to feel like an amazing mom? What do I do to be an amazing friend? Well, on paper and on my Google calendar, I am amazing just based on the amount of places I make it to and things I accomplish. I am just trying to keep up and sometimes I fall behind. Last week was really fun. It would have been even better if I cut myself some slack and stopped the guilt shit. I’ve got a few fun things coming up with friends and I am promising myself that I will try again to let go of the guilt and just have fun. I will continue to work on juggling and balancing because that’s just how life is when you have four kids and one mama who is also blessed with some pretty awesome friends too. So keep inviting me to do stuff because I am super social and I do love you, my friends! Just don’t be surprised if I say no. The kids need me and I am trying really hard not to feel like a shitty mom.