I suffer from seasonal depression. It’s probably not what you think though. It doesn’t happen when there is snow on the ground or when it dips below 40°F or when everyone seems to hibernate. I’m ok then. It doesn’t happen in the winter. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I hate the freaking winter. Aside from Christmas and maybe seeing one good snowfall, winter can suck it. However, it doesn’t really make me depressed.

Last night, I was driving my Jeep with the top and doors off. It was 59°F out. It was a reminder, a really shitty reminder, that it’s Labor Day Weekend. I hate Labor Day Weekend. As a kid, when we were “summer people” on the Cape, Labor Day meant we had to leave our beach cottage and go back to school. It meant no more sand in my toes and salt on my skin. It meant eventually my tan would fade. I’m Portuguese. I need my tan lines for true happiness. Leaving the Cape meant I wouldn’t see my summer friends again for months. Oh sure, I had my other friends, but they spent the summer visiting me anyways! There wasn’t ever, in my mind, a good, solid reason to leave! I remember the sparkle of the street lights below illuminating the Cape Cod Canal as we drove over the Bourne Bridge towards route 495. At least my mom wouldn’t make us leave until the last possible moment because she loved it just as much as we did. So it was always night time, always dark. I would stare out the station wagon window at the water down below, usually crying until, finally, I fell asleep. When I was in college, I started going to the Jimmy Buffet concert every summer with my brother and friends. He always played the Labor Day Weekend shows at what used to be called Great Woods. All summer we looked forward to another great show. The anticipation and the preparation for that day of tailgating and lawn seats was unprecedented. The hardest part was the next day. It wasn’t just a let down that the best concert of the summer was over. It was twice as bad of a heartbreak because summer was also at its end. Now, decades later, Kenny Chesney plays the end of summer show at Gillette Stadium. Again, it’s an incredible day of tailgating followed by an amazing show. I wouldn’t miss it for the world! It is, however, also a sign that summer is turning to fall. It’s a double edged sword really. We can’t wait for the show, but we also can’t rush summer!

There are so many reasons why summer is the season for me. Summer itself on Cape Cod really is its own vibe. It’s drives to Ptown and seeing a drive-in movie in Wellfleet. It’s not caring what time you have dinner or how late bedtime ends up being. It’s having time to walk the dog every morning because I’m not busy getting kids off to school. It’s cooking on the grill all the time or not cooking at all because it’s ice cream for dinner…again. It’s reading an entire book and having it not take months because of being so busy with kid’s activities. It’s summer sundresses. It’s everyone looks cooler in sunglasses. Summer just is THE BEST. You can disagree. It’s ok. You can’t be right all the time.

Now, I suppose there are some parents who welcome the kids going back to school. That’s not me. Don’t misunderstand me. They are definitely a huge pain in the ass being home all the time. They fight nearly nonstop. They leave dishes EVERYWHERE. They play way too much PS4. They eat and eat and eat some more. There is NEVER a clean towel when I need one. Try using 2 hand towels to dry your body when you get out of the shower. That’s fun. Still I would take summer any day. I do like a little peace and quiet and I’ll enjoy it tomorrow when all 4 are at school for the first time since the end of June, but it will still make me sad. It’s still a letdown. Today, as I walked the dog, I saw people packing up their cars and hugging each other and saying their summer good-byes. Allergies may have been kicking in, but I was probably just crying. I came home and did some laundry. I noticed that there were actually clean towels on the shelf in the bathroom. That’s the first time since June.

The weather is still beautiful. I am blessed to now be a year round Cape Codder, having moved here 20 years ago. The air is a little crisp, but it is still sunny out and hot when the September rain holds off. Sitting on the beach in September is nice. It’s quiet. I can certainly work remotely while sitting with my feet in the sand. I know I’m spoiled that way. Still, there is that sadness. All of my summer friends are back in their “winter” homes now. We will get to see them some weekends in the fall, which is always a bonus. Sitting next to each other in beach chairs and watching the sun glitter off the ocean is far better than a cold walk through the cranberry bogs or having to turn on the pellet stove to get the chill out of the air. I know I sound like a brat. There is still magic in the colors of the leaves and Dunks mint hot chocolate, but I can’t enjoy those in a bikini. As I always do, I will still aim my focus on the fun each season brings. Just don’t blame me when I start X-ing off the days on the calendar until Memorial Day Weekend rolls around again. Until then, I will try to hold onto this tan for as long as I can. At the moment, the house is quiet with the kids at school. It’s time for a shower where nobody barges in to sit on the toilet and chat with me. Oh, look! I even have a clean towel!

“I just wanna be happy!” Oh? Do you? How badly do you want to be happy? Bad enough to make changes in your mindset and your life? Bad enough to take action and be intentional? Do you have patience in the process? This is ALL on you, nobody else. If you’re ready, then read on. It is science, but not rocket science. You got this.

The concept of happiness has been studied dating back to 2,500 years ago. It has been studied over the years by many including Confucius, Aristotle, Socrates, and Buddha. These guys had some pretty simple concepts. I am here to tell you, from my own personal experience, that they were right in their findings. There are three key markers in people who report themselves to be the “happiest”.

1. Grateful people are happy people. When something goes wrong in your day, do you make it your only focus? Do you put as much of a focus on all of the other things that have gone right? Do you intentionally see the good in the world and the good around you every, single, darn day? I open my eyes every morning and intentionally start my day grateful. Before I grab for my phone to check emails or social media notifications, before I pull back my covers even, as soon as I am consciously out of my dreams and aware I am awake, I begin to be grateful. I believe in God, so this is who I thank. You can thank the universe or karma or whatever or whoever is meaningful to you! The point is to focus on your blessings. The way that I do this is to first focus on how grateful I am to have woken up, to be here to live another day with my family and my friends. I thank God for waking my children up as well and for the time that I will get to spend with them today and, especially, for their snuggles. Even when they have me going to bed sometimes feeling like I am failing to be everything they need (like all good moms and dads do from time to time) I still am lucky to have them. I then go through the day ahead and think of the things that I am looking forward to. It probably won’t be that dentist appointment, not gonna lie. However, it will be something as simple as the time I carved out for my morning walk with the dog. I put my focus intentionally out there on the good. I invite you to do the same. The second way I put gratitude into the world, is to simply say “please” and “thank you”! We teach our children this and expect it from them, but many of us as adults have forgotten that being polite and gracious is important. Nobody has to do anything for you. Remember that and be grateful they did. Another intentional way to show gratitude is to be in the moments throughout your day. Take a second or two in the chaos and stop. Look around. Marvel at the world, the beauty of nature, the art in statues you may pass by and never see, or children smiling and playing. Smile at what you notice, knowing that the world is good. Simple things can still remind us of this. The last gratitude practice that I will share here with you is what I do at the end of my day, every day. When I get into my bed at night, before I watch TV or read or play on my phone, I list 10 things that happened that day for which I am grateful. Even on the most challenging of days, these 10 things can be found, I promise you. I am grateful I made it to my bed at the end of the day. Some days are like that. It’s ok. You did. You made it. Some days it comes easy, others not so much, but do your best, make it intentional, and make it a habit.

2. Kind people are happy people. There is a reason why it feels good to be nice to others. It is because this is the way the world is intended to work. In order for a society to not become extinct, they need to work together and help one another. It is born inside us all to be helpers. As we get older, ego comes into play. When we put others before our own egos, we are given that wonderful feeling inside because this is what will grow more good and kindness. These actions, small and large, will assist other people in having better days. Better days lead to better overall health. Better overall health leads to longevity. This gives way for a group to continue to live and thrive. We all want to thrive. It isn’t difficult to be kind. It just takes, once again, an intentional mindset. Kindness can happen all day long and not cost you a penny or very much time at all! Kindness comes in many forms, all of which we teach our children! Hmm…have I talked about what we teach and expect from our children already? Why is it that we are not all practicing what we preach? Be an example through your actions. Go out today and look for all of the ways you can be kind. Do them. Then reflect on them. How did it make you feel? As you become a bearer of kindness, your heart will grow. The Grinch had to learn it, maybe you do too? Kindness cultivates happiness inside each of us that then emanates to those we connect with each day.

3. Find your joy! Happiness is not a tangible thing. It does not come from an outside source either. Happiness is a concept that grows inside of each and every one of us. Finding the things in your life that bring you joy and doing them will create a feeling of happiness inside of you. Joy to each one of us is going to look different. Joy comes from doing activities that we like. Joy comes from doing things that are fun. Joy also comes from spending our time with people who make us smile. We all have been in situations where the crowd wasn’t really our thing. When you leave, you sometimes have a feeling that maybe you wasted that time and could have been with someone else or been doing something else. Compare this to when we spend time with the people who we connect with, who make us laugh and smile, who appreciate us for exactly who we are. I, for one, walk away from that time lighter. I feel as if the smile will last for days and I can’t wait to see these people again. I feel comfortable and the time is seamless and truly enjoyable. There are times when we have no choice but to do things we don’t want to do and be around the people we would not have purposely chosen. However, when we take stock of how we spend our time, what we are doing that we truly enjoy, what we do not enjoy, and who we are giving space to in our lives, it becomes clear where the change should happen. Make a list of the activities that you love. Make a list of the people that make you the happiest to be around. Some of the joy in our lives also comes from things we choose to do alone. Perhaps joy is in reading a book or going for a walk or connecting to nature. Choose to do whatever you need to in your schedule to make the time for the people and things that bring you joy! Prioritize! As you are feeling more joyful, you are becoming a happier person!

As a wellness coach and someone who connects with and listens to those around me, I am always hearing the word “Happy”. We all hear this word from social media, friends, and family. Maybe you have already heard that you should do all of the things I’ve written about here. You either believe it or you don’t. Remember, it is never the job of someone else to change your outlook, mindset, and attitude. That is your job, and only your job. If you choose to try these practices, please remember patience. It may take you a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months to “feel” different inside. Give yourself grace. Not every day will feel great. Maybe some days you just do what you can to survive. Tomorrow will be better. We all have ups and downs. The happiest people know that it is all temporary. The ups will go down and the downs will go up. This is life. When life feels down, people who allow themselves to feel the sadness of the situation, but then believe it will get better are the happier people. The people who intentionally look for healthy ways to help them work through or get through any given situation, are the happiest people overall. The science is certainly out there. The ancient philosophers aren’t wrong. But, if you want to disagree, then at least try the practices of gratitude, kindness, and finding your joy over the next few weeks or months and then get back to me.

I went out three nights last week. Being that there are seven nights in each week, that amounts to almost 50% of my week nights (in case you are bad at math like me). It made me feel guilty. It made me feel like a shitty mom. I remember my parents running a bridge club every Tuesday night out of our finished basement. One Saturday night a month they would also run the bridge tournament. In addition to that, I remember them going out to dinner with friends. I would have a babysitter or, when I was older, I would just have a friend stay over to keep me company. If they felt guilty about doing those things for themselves, it definitely never showed. I also never felt slighted or like they loved me any less somehow because they spent time with their friends.

It’s pretty rare that I go do something three nights in one week with another adult and no children. However, we start back to school in a week and a half. Shortly after that, the fall season of baseball starts up again. The high school volleyball season also begins this week. Let me recall last fall. If my friend was not associated with the girls volleyball or the boys baseball, I did not see them, not at all. I actually went all the way from August until Christmas time before I saw some of my friends. When school is in session it is very unusual for me to have the energy to go out and do dinner with a friend or anything else during the week, even on the odd day that we don’t have a sport. When we finally have one night off from something, I just want to stay home, make dinner, and get the kids to bed early. Sometimes being a mom is exhausting! So, I go from feeling like a bad mom to feeling like a bad friend. It’s not that I don’t want to do it all because trust me I do. I would love to put more hours into the day or more days into the week, but that’s not the case. I’m human and I can’t always see everyone or give anybody 100%. Last week, those three nights that I went out did make me feel really guilty, like I should be doing something with my children. However, when I put it down on paper and take inventory of what my children actually did last week, it really shouldn’t make me feel bad. On Monday, I took them to Water Wizz with friends for the entire day. On the way home, I picked up pizzas and then we ate them in the living room and snuggled up together to watch Grown Ups. On Tuesday, one of my children was able to have a sleep over and I let my little one sleep in my bed with me. Another day, my youngest spent about 12 hours at his friend’s house having a blast. Meanwhile, my daughters saw their friends, worked their summer job, and went to the beach. When I feel like I’m not spending time with them and I have the time free to do so, they are usually already up to something with their friends anyways and don’t really want to do stuff with me. I’m not insulted because they’re teenagers and I get it. I’m so not cool to them at this stage in their lives.

Wednesday night I went to dinner with a friend. Thursday night I went to dinner with another friend. Saturday night I went to dinner with a friend and then went out to see my friends play in their band. I took phone calls from my children several times during all of those dinners and was perfectly fine and happy to hear from them and make sure they were fine at home. There was plenty of food at home. They were safe. During the days when I had gone out for dinner at night I had also spent time with them either at the beach or at home being present in their lives. So what has happened between our parents generation and our generation? When I make plans with friends, I feel guilty. My children say and do things that perpetuate me feeling guilty too! When friends ask me to do things and I say no because of spending time with my children or doing things with my children or the activities they need me to take them to or even just being exhausted, I feel guilty because I feel like a bad friend.

Is it maybe because I’m a single mom? Is it different when you have your spouse there and and you go out together? It’s been 7 years since I’ve had my husband to go out with so to be honest I don’t really remember. I don’t think I felt super guilty when he and I went out because we didn’t get to go out very often from either not having babysitters or just being tired because the kids were so little. So what is it? I know I need to take care of myself to make sure I am a good. I know that burn out is real. I know breaks and friends are important. I also know that my children are the MOST IMPORTANT. Their needs and most wants are being met (well, the reasonable ones)! I know my friends understand I love them too and just can’t always make it to a dinner or an event. So why the guilt then? What do I need to do to feel like an amazing mom? What do I do to be an amazing friend? Well, on paper and on my Google calendar, I am amazing just based on the amount of places I make it to and things I accomplish. I am just trying to keep up and sometimes I fall behind. Last week was really fun. It would have been even better if I cut myself some slack and stopped the guilt shit. I’ve got a few fun things coming up with friends and I am promising myself that I will try again to let go of the guilt and just have fun. I will continue to work on juggling and balancing because that’s just how life is when you have four kids and one mama who is also blessed with some pretty awesome friends too. So keep inviting me to do stuff because I am super social and I do love you, my friends! Just don’t be surprised if I say no. The kids need me and I am trying really hard not to feel like a shitty mom.

It’s still summer. It’s August. Summer officially ends September 21st. So SHUT UP about your damn pumpkins! The weather outside is gorgeous. We are in the middle of a glorious heatwave. I effing LOVE this! A few nights ago, I was able to drive my Jeep topless in a tank top and I was perfectly fine! That is being blessed! I am tan so my body has plenty of vitamin d. I’ve lost 7 lbs this summer because I enjoy being active and the dog makes sure we walk in the mornings even before my workouts. I also walk to the beach over and over again. Then I walk on the beach once we are there too! My summer clothes are adorable. My feel slide into my flip flops and birks far easier than any other footwear. My toes are a pretty coral color and my highlights get salty and beachy.

There is no better time of the year!

The seasons come and go. Inevitably, fall will be here. You will get your stupid pumpkins and your cheap Halloween costume and your yellow and orange and red leaves. You will get your fattening pumpkin spice lattes and your bee-infested apple picking. You will get to wear your bulky cable knit sweaters and God awful corduroys and, yes, even your Make-PETA-Pissed-Off-Uggs. But, for right now, IT IS STILL SUMMER!

Okay, okay, it’s not like I hate all of that stuff… not really. Well, not totally. The leaves are really pretty, just not as pretty as the sun glitter at the beach around 6:30pm in July. I look cute in those sweaters too, just not as cute as in a summer dress. Also, did you forget the worst part of fall? The kids go back to school! This means that all of their activities start up again. This means that I need to get lunches packed and kids up and dressed. This means that I need to juggle when I will be at volleyball with when I need to be at baseball. This means I need to spend money on school supplies and back to school outfits for 4 kids all at once (not when someone grows and actually needs new clothes). Even worse than school starting up again, Somerset Creamery closes for SIX months! I have to stock up on the ice cream that I know won’t last three days. Then, I need to eat the crap from the grocery store knowing it will never match up to the flavor party going on 2 or 3 times a week in my mouth in the summer! We haven’t even touched on the fact that the sun sets earlier! Ugh! This means winter is around the corner with it’s cold and ice and blah. So yeah, leaves are pretty and I do like making apple pie, but still doesn’t compare to my love for summer!

So please, if you love fall, for right now, please just keep it to yourself! Maybe find some other fall-loving freaks to spill your pumpkin latte on and leave me alone with my own kind, the mermaids and the pirates. The ones who know full well that in New England the seasons change and can be a harsh contrast from one to the next. We need to soak it all up every year before it’s gone. So please, leave us at the beach where we belong drinking frozen coconut margaritas and pina coladas and mudslides. Leave us crashing in the waves and throwing a ball with our kids. Leave us at the baseball games with children hoping to catch foul balls and get autographs. Leave us at the drive-in looking up at the stars on a clear night and breathing in the smells of summer. Leave us in the backyard cooking on the grill because in the summer everything belongs on the grill. Leave us waiting happily in line at Somerset Creamery for coconut almond joy in a waffle dish with chocolate sprinkles. Leave us at Sandy Neck with our tires aired down out on the sand by the campfire roasting marshmallows. Leave us enjoying our outdoor dining over-looking the ocean. Leave us enjoying a glass or two of wine on the deck with friends. Leave us reading books on our hammocks. Leave us to revel in the beauty of the sun glitter! Leave us with our sandy feet and our salty skin and our tangled up hair! We are happy this way! These are our months! It’s not over yet! September 21st, my friends, September 21st.

This morning when my daughter was sleeping and I was being extra quiet, I realized something. Teenagers are exactly like toddlers! Perhaps this is nothing new to other moms or dads. Maybe I’m late to the game, but I am just in the thick of it now. So here are the reasons that teenagers are basically just toddlers that weigh more and are taller.

1. You DO NOT want to wake them when they’re sleeping! When I was tip-toeing around this morning, this dawned on me. I was not trying to be polite and respectful of her needing sleep. Nope. I was really enjoying the peace. Nobody was fighting or asking for money or whining about something not being fair. It was SO nice! Just like when the toddler naps, it is heaven!

2. They make HUGE messes and then don’t clean up after themselves! I remember singing the clean up song and helping my kids to wipe something up or to put back toys. Still, the parents end up doing most of it anyways because they’re little and can’t always do it alone. Then, when they were about 9 or 10, I got a few years in there when they were stellar at picking up and getting chores done and helping out. Now, as teenagers, I cannot believe the true comparison to a hurricane whipping through the house. I could walk around my house wearing an orange vest and holding a stick! Trash goes in the trash! Dishes go in the dishwasher! Laundry gets put away in your drawers, NOT left on the stairs or table or chair or couch or floor or deck!

3. The whining! Oh God help me! The whining! Ask a toddler to clean and they may pout or say “I don’t want to!” Ask a teenager to clean and it’s not much different. They say, “Why do I have to?” or “It’s not fair!” or anything else instead of just doing the task in the first place!

4. They don’t share nicely. We work on teaching toddlers to share their toys. We teach how nice it is when someone else shares with us. We teach them not to fight over a toy, just take turns. I have two teenage girls. I am certain a day has not gone by in the last 6 months that I have not heard a fight about something. One won’t let the other borrow a pair of shorts. One won’t give the other any of the food she made, even though there is plenty. “Mom, she won’t let me borrow her shoes!” Ugh.

5. It’s not fair! I hear this all day long. I’m the mean mom I guess. It’s not fair that they have to do chores. It’s not fair that they can’t stay out late. It’s not fair that I won’t give them money. When they were toddlers, it wasn’t fair that they had to leave a playdate when they were having fun. It wasn’t fair that they couldn’t get something at the checkout counter at the grocery store. I’ve spent 17 years saying, “Hey, sometimes life just isn’t fair!”

6. Wanting things ALL THE TIME. As toddlers, they’re reaching outside the carriage to grab stuff off the shelves then crying when you tell them to put it back or when you take it away. We were told to just be consistent with them when they were younger so they learn they can’t always get something every place we go. When do they finally learn that lesson? My teenagers both have jobs and ask me every freaking day for money for something! What do we hear when we say “No”? That’s right, “It’s not fair!” Ugh

7. They’re selfish. Toddlers have not yet realized there is a world around them. They don’t know what it means to be selfish. They just do their thing and need time to learn to give and share. Teenagers come back around to the selfishness at a whole other level. I sometimes believe that their view of the world is truly with themselves at the center of it and the rest of us here to cater to their every need and let them do whatever they want.

8. They sleep at annoying times. Toddlers go to bed early and wake us at the crack of dawn. Remember when they would finally fall asleep in the car on the 2 hour drive when you were about a minute until arriving home? Teenagers keep me up all night making noise then sleep until noon. Theyre like vampires.

9. They dress themselves and it’s not always pretty. My girls used to mismatch their clothes thinking the top and bottom looked perfect together. They would wear winter boots in summer and insist on a bikini top in the house in winter. Now, my teenage girls are buying themselves clothes that leave me asking where the rest of it is! At least when they were toddlers, their clothing choices were cute.

10. They take things without asking. Has anyone seen my tweezers? Or my nail clippers? Or the nail polish remover? Or my ponytail holders? Or my brush? If you do, please let me know because both girls swear it was NOT either of them!

No matter what age they are, they’ll always need their mama. They scream and yell and throw a tantrum. They take all of their frustrations out on us. Sometimes they even blame us for their frustrations! In the end, however, they always need us, our hugs, and our unconditional love.

I see that other parents have survived raising teenagers, so I know there is hope for us too. Until then, I will continue to take things away if they are not behaving, remind them to clean up after themselves, and do my very best to kiss all the boo boos.

Meanwhile, if you have any good teenage stories that either make the rest of us commiserate or laugh, please share them in the comments! One for all, and all for one!

I had a partner. I had hugs from behind while I was making dinner. I had a sous chef. I had someone to tag team the tantrums with. I had someone who let me have my own tantrums. I had someone to help clean up the messes. I had someone to give me a chance to sit down and breathe. I had someone to see the Red Sox and The Bruins and The Patriots with. I had a rummy opponent. I had a drinking buddy. I had someone sing karaoke to me on a regular basis. I had someone who told me I was beautiful every single damn day, even when we were fighting. I had a training partner for road races and that one triathlon. I had a lifting partner who pushed me when I couldn’t push myself. I had stolen kisses. I had a lap to snuggle on. I had dancing in the kitchen.

We were married on July 24, 2004. We had been together for four years already. I gave him shit about that often because I knew I would marry him after three months. I am honest when I say I love the naivete of young love. You have no idea and that’s just the way it should be. You don’t ever think about the money fights and the work fights and the kid fights and you certainly never think that “in sickness and in health” will truly rock your entire world somewhere down the road.

We met at a restaurant that you already know if you grew up in South Eastern Massachusetts. It was called the Charlie Horse. I knew the friend he was with and he knew the friend I was with that night. They joined our table and we chatted and laughed. We parted ways and I didn’t really think anything of it. Ironically, the very next night, I had a friend singing on stage at another restaurant. I went to support her and there he was with the same friend sitting at the bar. Maybe it was meant to be…ok it was definitely meant to be. My friends and I were going to see Blink 182 out in Worcester at The Centrum the following weekend and we happened to have two extra tickets. They bought the tickets off of us and we opened up our flip phones and exchanged numbers so we could drive out there together. He and I sat next to each other at the show and both sang rather obnoxiously. (I’m sure none of our good friends would ever believe that.)

The following weekend I had another girlfriend over. We were just sitting at the table having dinner when my phone rang. I answered it. The voice on the other end said, “Hey, it’s Bobby.” I looked at my friend and shrugged. I wasn’t really sure which guy this was since I had a friend named Bob from the gym. This Bobby asked if I was around if he came down the Cape to hang out with me the next day and he asked my address. I got off the phone deciding I was rolling the dice on this one. When he showed up the next day, I realized it was the “New Bobby” I had sat next to at the concert. I really didn’t think anything of it. I love making new friends and we had fun when we hung out that previous week. That night we cooked some pizzas on the grill and went out to see a band (Syndicate for the real Cape Codders who know them). After that we watched the best movie ever, Beautiful Girls. Now here is one of the best stories about our early days. I love telling this one. I was SO NAIVE. After the movie, it was getting late. I said I was heading upstairs to bed. He asked for a blanket for the couch. I said he didn’t have to sleep on the couch. I told him he could just sleep in my room. It was weird to me how his eyes lit up! He followed me upstairs where I brought him to my room and showed him the two twin beds. I pointed to the one that was mine and then told him he could just sleep in the other one. I honestly was that naive! This poor schmuck thought he was getting lucky! Hahahahaha! I went to sleep alone in my bed without a second thought. The next day we decided to go golfing. I know that’s when I fell in love with him. I didn’t realize it until a few months later, but when I look back, I just know. We were walking 9 holes carrying our clubs. I can still see him, the way he looked. I can still picture the moment when I just looked at him and smiled, not having a clue what that feeling meant. He asked if he could spend the night again. I said sure. We went out again that night and then went down to the beach afterwards for a walk. At one point I sat down in the sand to look for shooting stars. He sat behind me. It was like a light bulb went off in my naive head. This guy might actually “like me” like me? He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. I turned around and looked him in the eye and said, “Please do not kiss me just for the heck of it. Only do that if you mean it.” Then he kissed me. He definitely meant it.

We were engaged two years later and married two years after that. We had a large wedding with so many awesome friends and family members. We celebrated getting married in the morning and in the afternoon. At night, because my husband was probably the inspiration for Fever Pitch, we celebrated by watching the Red Sox vs Yankees game with a bunch of friends back at our house. I’ve mentioned it in my writing before when talking about my anniversary, but I will say it again. This game was the ONLY reason my husband always remembered our anniversary. It was the night when A-Rod and Veritek brawled and both dugouts cleared out onto the field to join in the fight.

A year after our wedding, we welcomed our first baby. The second came 22 months later. The third, our first boy, was 3 years after the second. In 2011, our 4th child was stillborn. That was a huge hit. We got through it with the love of our community and our love for each other. Two years after that, in 2013, we welcomed our rainbow baby. We had our ups and downs like all relationships do throughout the years. Some of those downs were really shitty too. The worst, however, came when the baby was just about a year old. Bobby was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. Five different chemo drugs didn’t work. Seven months later, his battle ended. I lost my husband and my children lost their father.

It’s been 7 years without Bobby, without my partner. I have dated. I have even had two relationships that I thought might last. In the end, they weren’t the right ones. That’s ok. I know what it’s like to feel lonely. If you get it too, know you’re not alone. I know what it’s like to want to brag about something your kid did, but you know it doesn’t mean as much to anyone else the way it would to you and your spouse. I know what it’s like to not be able to lose your shit because you have to hold it together for your children. I know what it’s like to ugly cry night after night after night when the kids go to sleep. I know what it’s like to cook a meal that goes to waste because he was the one that would have eaten the leftovers. I know what it’s like to need to put your 10 year old in charge of her 3 younger siblings because you don’t have any other choice. I know what it’s like to need social workers and therapists and grief counselors and child life specialists. I know what it’s like to be SO GRATEFUL, like you won the lottery, because someone came over and folded laundry for you. I know what it’s like to fill out paperwork for school or a sport and leave the “father” section blank. I know what it’s like to figure out the new emergency contact. I know what it’s like when your son cries at night because the kid at football told him he should just go home and practice throwing with his dad if he wants to get better. I know what it’s like to learn how to throw that damn football too! I know what it’s like to have a child who has panic attacks when you try to leave the house because what if something happened to you too. I know what it’s like to have a little boy who never knew his father and cries about it not being fair. I know what it’s like to have two little boys begging you to please have a boyfriend so they can have a guy around the house. I know what it’s like wishing there was a boyfriend factory and it were just that easy.

Speaking of dating, I know what it’s like to say your a widow. I know the looks. I know the pity, the sadness, the awkwardness that follows. I know what it’s like when men act jealous and stupid because you talk about your late husband. Look guys, it’s not like I’m comparing your junk! I will tell stories because this was my best friend for 15 years! You will get to know me better by knowing these stories because he will always be a part of who I am. He was with me through my adventures and so many years of my past. I will always have pictures up in my house, not just because he was my best friend, but because this man was the father of my children! They need to hear these stories and see the pictures too! They need me to help them always keep their dad’s memory alive!

I do hate when I feel lonely. I have some amazing friends, but it’s not the same. I have gotten VERY sick of telling my story to random men who really don’t care. I want a partner again. He will need to come with references. He will need to come with solid mental health and a positive attitude. He will need to match my energy. He will probably need to fall from the sky while the pigs are flying next to him. But I do have hope.

With my anniversary nearing, I miss Bobby quite a bit. And that’s ok. It’s normal. I’m lucky to have had something that is worth missing. We were far from a perfect couple. That’s a fact. Still, I will hold those sweet memories close because those are the important ones anyways. It’s hard to find that now, or so it seems, but it is out there. I know it is. It’s worth finding again too. I have a very fulfilled and busy life. I am truly a happy soul. I am missing a partner though. I know I will have it again. I will find my sous chef. I will find my rummy opponent. I will find my hold-hands-walking-on-the-beach-watching-sunsets-partner. I will find my gym rat, my Sundays in the fall are for the Patriots buddy, my your turn to do the dishes tonight honey. I will find the one who listens to my stories and appreciates where I have been and what I have been through without pity, but with gratitude for who I have become, for the woman who is always growing. I will give the same listening ears and open loving heart to someone again and there will be dancing in the kitchen.

Happy Anniversary Bobby! ~July 24, 2004

I can’t be fake if I try. It’s not natural, it’s painful, even. It’s like there is some sort of block in my brain that just won’t let it happen. When I try to entertain a conversation with someone who is fake, it makes me cringe. I smile and usually throw in sarcasm to see if they catch it or think I’m really being that sicky sweet. People that know me, if they witness this display, usually burst out laughing afterwards because they just know. They know I was struggling. It’s not that I am a rude person or that I am trying to be mean. I would like to think that I am quite polite. It’s just that sometimes you have to have conversations with people that really are not genuine. Those are not my people.

This year I began a journey that has turned out to be giving me more than I had expected. I am taking a year long yoga teacher training course. I went into it assuming it would be all about poses and mechanics and breathing. It does teach all of that, but at the heart of it is some pretty cool soul searching. I say pretty cool because that’s my opinion. Others might think it’s been difficult to dig into themselves, but I love it. Here is why: I love studying people. Therefore, to study myself is really extra interesting. See, some people are afraid to challenge who they have always been. I am not. I think it’s exciting to learn and grow and see just what you can become. I love using the term “the best version of yourself”. We have all of these wonderful powers inside of us. Sadly, many people go their entire lives without using these powers and therefore not completely living life to the fullest. I love life! I’ll be damned if I won’t live it to the fullest.

One term we use alot in this class is “speaking our truth”. I have come to absolutely love and embrace this special superpower that we ALL possess! Speaking YOUR truth means that you stay true to who you are and what you want. It doesn’t mean not compromising at all, but it means not compromising when it comes to the things that are meaningful to you. It doesn’t mean not listening to others opinions or changing your own mind as you learn and grow, but it does mean that you speak up for what you believe to be right and for the opinions that you have and are allowed to respectfully share. It means having the confidence to have a conversation and contribute your own ideas without fear of them being made fun of or told somehow they are wrong or less than someone else’s ideas. It also doesn’t mean being rude. You can speak your truth in a way that allows everyone to feel safe and respected and heard. That’s a superpower!

A very interesting thing for me to learn about myself is that there was a time when I wasn’t speaking my truth. As real and blunt as I am, I still didn’t always do it. In fact, I don’t believe I was really even aware of this, to be honest, but it has been life changing. I implore you to try it. In conversations I have always made sure that I listened and didn’t push some opinion unless it was well educated as to not be ignorant. Many times I would say that “I can’t speak to that because I haven’t learned enough yet.” Listening to ignorant people give an opinion when they don’t know what they’re talking about is annoying for everyone, but that is not what speaking your truth is about.

The area of my life where I was not speaking my truth has been in relationships. I was speaking my truth to a pretty good degree when it came to friends because I always felt the ones that will love and accept you certainly won’t turn you away for thinking differently than they do! Why would you want a friend like that anyways? We can be ourselves and still be loved, after all, by the right people! Now move this idea to relationships with possible partners, to dating. This is where I was not speaking my truth. It has taken me 7 years to realize this, maybe more.

When I met Bobby, it was so easy. Everything about us getting together was easy and natural. It was like I had an instant best friend. There was no drama. I was 100% me and that’s what he fell in love with. I remember us having this one conversation very early on about how nice it was to be able to say whatever we wanted and know we were accepted. We also very naively talked about how we would never fight as long as we both always respected one another. We were pretty young then. It’s easy to say you’ll never fight when there really isn’t anything to fight about. It’s easy to get along before making decisions together on kids, finances, and day to day living. As time went on, we always stayed in love and we definitely still did so many fun things together. We also fought. As we fought, I realized that I hated fighting. So I stopped. He didn’t, but I did. So I lost my voice. Eventually that led to not really being in a great situation, not really being who I am meant to be, who I always have been. After he passed away, there was so much to deal with. Grief was at the forefront, but many times pushed aside by the logistics of raising four kids on my own now. It took some time for the dust to settle and to process the grief. Fights don’t matter as much now when you love someone and they’re gone. I know the love was always there. When I remember him now, I remember the way he looked at me with love. I remember him being crazy fun and me being so attracted to that. I remember his smile and the way he called me “Baby” when he was trying to be cute because he had left a mess for me to clean or let one of the kids to do something they shouldn’t have. I remember the way he hugged me, with so much love. These are the important things to remember. The only reason to remember the negative stuff is to learn from it and leave it in the past, just as I have left that version of myself in the past, the one without her true voice.

It has taken me 7 years of being a widow and about 6 years or so of dating and being in a few different relationships to learn to stick to being who I am and to bring back that person inside that was pushed down, that voice that stopped trying to be heard. It took some serious “stop and think time” to learn who I am and to learn how to be true to that woman, to that voice. That voice will never be silent again. It seems most men really hate that! As we speak our truth, we need to be prepared for people to leave our lives. Maybe they’ll come back and maybe they won’t, but the people that are meant to stay, will stay. They will stay because they respect you and your voice. They will stay because they know you are strong and they are not threatened by this, but proud they know you! I realize that, when I entered into a relationship, like many women I would sometimes allow myself to be neglected or ignored at times and then accept stupid excuses. “Bread crumbs” I’ve heard it referred to as this. Someone keeps your attention on them by giving you a bit of attention here and there, instead of their full attention. They do this because you aren’t a priority. They want to know they can have someone when they feel like it, that’s all. If it doesn’t fit into their schedule or they have other things they would rather do, then you get put on the back burner. Nobody should allow themselves to be put on the back burner. EVER. But, we do it. I did it because I was lonely. It’s not easy to be with someone for 15 years and lose them. There is a void. We are human and we want that connection with another human. That is all okay too! It’s just not ok to allow the loneliness we feel to give us an excuse to be treated poorly. If we allow it to happen, we are not being truthful to ourselves. If we pretend to be something we are not, then we aren’t speaking our truth at all. If we enter into a relationship not standing up for who we are and what we want, then we cannot expect to ever get it! We cannot be something we aren’t and then expect to be happy and fulfilled with another person. It isn’t until we truly open ourselves up to being vulnerable, that we chance finding someone that matches our energy, that accepts who we are in all of our beauty and in all of our faults. As I have said, some people won’t like this, but that’s on them! If someone doesn’t accept you changing, it’s probably because they were getting something from you that you are no longer allowing them to take. They may also be unhappy or stuck in some kind of rut. Maybe they aren’t speaking up themselves. None of that is on you! You are becoming more, so much more! You have a responsibility to your true self to keep being more. You should never stop being better, being more, because someone else might feel as if they are less. That’s on them! Let them do their own healing, their own journey. You do you!

As I have said, I love studying people. It allows me to better understand where others are coming from when they say something or do something, good or bad. It helps me to connect with people from all walks of life. It helps me to see how alike we all really are while still being so very different. If you are also analytical, please do not to study people to judge them. Use your powers of observation to seek to understand. Most importantly, however, take the time to look inside and study yourself. You will have an opportunity to get to know someone who is more amazing than you ever could imagine. As you get to know this person, you will understand how your past experiences have shaped who you are now. You will also see how far you have come and where you may need to put in a little work. Not everyone will like this person who speaks their truth, but the people who are supposed to be in your life will find their way to you. Once you know yourself and your talents, you will not only improve your own life, but the lives around you as well. Do not be afraid to embrace the best version of yourself and all of your talents and share them! Speaking your truth, when done right, is not selfish. On the contrary, this is your gift to the world. Stand strong knowing that your voice matters and so does your heart. Share them wisely with those that are open to both.

As a personal trainer and wellness coach, I see people that are not content with one aspect of their lives or another. I get paid to help them to make goals for change and accomplish those goals. I also care very much that they are successful. I truly enjoy seeing people kick ass and take names. Whether it be physically, professionally, or any aspect of life at all, when someone I work with improves, grows, and sees what they are capable of, it makes me giddy. I am proud to be able to play a small role in their health and wellness journey. I say “small role” because I know what goes into long-term change. It is not easy. It is not for quitters. It has to be wanted and owned and worked on over time. Most importantly, the work has to be done by the person who is reaching the goal. It cannot be done by me or their family or their friends. I am here for support and guidance and to make sure they have the correct information along the way. Hopefully, they have a support system that roots for them besides me too. The work, however, must come from the person changing. The people I have worked with know that I will listen to them and offer an ear or advice, but I will not allow excuses to get in the way of anything.

Change is hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. But they don’t. Instead, we have a society of complainers, whiners, blamers. We are surrounded by people that make excuses. They complain about a situation, but then won’t do a thing to change it. When someone says the words “I can’t”, I want to rip my ears off. Let’s get real here for a second, ok? We can’t breathe underwater without special gear. We can’t get out of the driveway if a car is parked behind us without hitting them. We can’t eat an entire half gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream without gaining weight. We can’t be the best at something unless we practice and there is nobody else better competing with us. Those might all be true, but there are other “can’t” statements that are simply false. I can’t possibly get a new job/quit my job/change careers/lose 20 lbs/fit into those jeans/learn to play golf/write a book/ forgive my ex, etc. All of these are things that CAN be done, but they require change and practice. They require a level of commitment. You have to want it. You have to be willing to put in the work.

We like being comfortable. We complain, but don’t put in the work to change because it’s uncomfortable. We are pushed out of our comfort zones. It isn’t our normal routine, our normal way of thinking. Creating new habits that lead to long-term change can be difficult. You can complain that there is no time in your day to get exercise. Maybe, to make the time to workout, you need to wake up at 5am. This means you need to go to bed earlier than you normally would. Changing your schedule and your habits can be hard, but they can be done. Do it for 2 weeks straight. Force yourself. It becomes habit. Practice makes it possible. Another common complaint has to do with work/job/career. If you are not happy at your job, then you have a choice to either quit or stay. Quitting is scary. It takes planning. We need to make sure we have money to live, pay our bills, take care of our kids if we have them, make sure we have health insurance, etc. The work needs to be done to have a plan, put money aside perhaps, line up a new job. It is all scary and time consuming, but it CAN happen if one wants it badly enough.

The way I see it, we are only allowed 2 reasons to complain. The first reason to complain is to come up with a plan. We need to talk it out with someone so we can find a solution to change the situation we do not like and accept. We find ourselves in a problem so we discuss it, create our plan, then move forward. We bounce ideas off of others if we need to and find support in trusted friends or family. If the thing you are complaining about is truly out of your control and unchangeable or if you make the choice not to change the situation, then we come to the other reason to complain: to let it go. Complain as a way to vent, once or maybe twice. Get it off of our chest because we need to talk about it. Then, knowing this situation will not be changing, move past it. Let it out to let it go. This also is not easy. It requires us to have those skills in our arsenal of mental health and wellness weapons. Some of us do and some of us do not, but all of us have the capability to learn.

If you can control your situation and do not like it, then work to make a change. Sometimes those changes are small, one step at a time, little things over time that lead to big things. Sometimes these changes are big and quick. Every situation is different. In my case, change is slow and steady. I am building a career and also raising 4 children. It is unrealistic to put all of my time and energy into one thing. I must juggle to make each day work for everyone that relies on me. However, I can still move forward and continue to change and grow myself and my business. I can still continue my work of helping others, little by little, day by day.

I am here to help you too. Look around. I will make a bet that there are more people around you than you realize that would all support you creating positive change in your life. Nobody has it all figured out. Nobody’s life is perfect, nor is that even possible. The idea of “perfect” is abstract. It changes from one’s perspective versus another. Your life can be the perfect one for you! You have the power to make that happen! There is beauty in that. You have strength inside that you never knew you possessed! Stop complaining and realize where your power lies. Unleash that power and see change is possible! A better you has already been inside waiting to jump out! You have always been ready! It’s time to let the badass inside of you out. It’s time to make the positive changes for a future that will be amazing! I cannot wait to see what you have in store.

A few years ago my father asked me a question. “Do you really think your mother ever gave a s**t if she hurt your feelings when she punished you?” He asked me this when I was upset that I had to punish one of my kids for something. As I stared at him, he answered. “Oh hell no she didn’t. BUT you still loved her and looked up to her and had fun with her.”

She knew her job wasn’t to be my friend. All of my aunts and uncles were the same way. Awesome, no doubt, but they would discipline and that was that. My close friends all had similar parents as well. I loved all my friends’ parents. I never thought they were jerks. Our parents were all just doing their jobs. They were raising us. And, for the most part, they were not raising assholes! We didn’t expect our parents to cater to us or be our friends or let us get away with things that we shouldn’t. My parents had the authority and that was that.

Where has this concept changed? Why has it changed? I ask these questions because, undoubtedly, it has changed. I think I punish when punishing is due. I definitely follow through on my threats of consequences. But I always feel awful about it. I know I shouldn’t. I know I am doing the right thing. Why do I feel so bad? Where did we get soft? My mother, God rest her soul, had a temper. I’m not sure if she ever actually smacked me, but she would get in my face with her open hand and somehow I knew this was a threat she would follow through on if I didn’t shut my mouth and do exactly what she requested. I was the youngest. I had seen what had happened to the ones before me and my mother was taking no shit. That was clear. This woman had broken a record over my sister’s head when she wouldn’t turn her music down. She had hit her over the head with the telephone when she wouldn’t get off of it. She had thrown a stapler at my brother when she couldn’t catch him running from her through my dad’s office. Surely, there was no way anything with her would be taken as an empty threat. Over the years my dad, more laid back than my mom, would get in on it from time to time, but we knew my mom was the one to fear. So now here I am. I inherited my mother’s Irish temper. Just like her, I too am patient and sweet for a good amount of time. It’s like that game we played when we were little, Perfection. You don’t actually know how much time you’ve got before it blows and all hell breaks loose, pieces flying everywhere. I ask for my children to do things. I ask for them not to do things. I break up their fights. I try to harness my inner Mary Poppins. It works temporarily. You would think, by now, my kids would know this. I learned this quickly about my own mother. When the inner timer goes off, not only is it unpredictable, but it’s loud and mad. So here I am, a single mom of 4, including a tween and two teens. I am the boss. There is nobody else for that role. Here I am and I mean business. Why the f%*k isn’t anyone acting afraid of me?!? Is it because they know I won’t hit them? Is it because they are spoiled somehow, even though we aren’t rich and I say no alot? Is it because I haven’t cried yet? Sometimes I don’t think they respond until I have tears, until they push me to the edge.

This weekend I got really mean. As in, I didn’t let one of my daughters borrow my sweatshirt until she did dishes to earn it. I made them help me clean. I expected them to do nice things for me! I didn’t do this because I’m being selfish. I did this because there isn’t another parent to point out that they are being assholes or that their mother is about to lose her shit. I do these things because it is my job (our job as parents!) to raise our children NOT to be selfish assholes, but to be thoughtful and caring and to bring that out into the world.

I have been really frustrated lately with how parenting has changed. Maybe it hasn’t, since my point of view 30 years ago was from a teenagers perspective, but I’m just going on how it feels. Did we have so many of my generation that were bitter that they didn’t get that trophy? In return, they were bound and determined to make sure their own kids would always get one? Now we have this entitled bullshit to deal with? Nobody can argue the internet changed parenting. I don’t think it’s a positive change either. Now we have every kid trying to keep up with everyone else. Remember when everyone who was cool wore BodyGlove? I could handle that MUCH easier than kids repeating the stupid stuff they see online or just feeling like their worth as a human being is connected to the amount of “likes”.

Now I get it. Our generation was different in many ways from our parents. Theirs was different from their parents. The world evolves and changes with time. We need to evolve and change with it in many ways too. Why though are parents not acting like parents? With the changes in the world today, it is our job as parents to keep our children from getting hurt (including hurting themselves by doing stupid stuff), from hurting other people, and to make sure they have morals and values at the heart of who they are and all they do. It is the hardest job. We get paid no money. Teenagers definitely don’t even hug you or act grateful! We have to stop taking this personally!

As they get older and parenting changes, some things stay the same. It’s ok for them to be upset with us sometimes if it means we have done our job! No matter the generation, we all need at some point to be taught discipline to succeed in life. So this is my plea to you as a parent. Please teach your children that even if they lose or go through some kind of crap, which they will, they still need to be kind and follow rules. Please remember that it is up to YOU to enforce those rules. Teachers teach. Coaches coach. Both can be wonderful role models, but, when it comes to making sure YOUR kid is not an asshole, that’s YOUR job. I’ll try not to be soft over here and you do the same. The world thanks us and our kids will someday too!

Dear Bobby,

Every year I write you a letter on the anniversary of the day you died. It has been 7 years now. Some years it seems to hit harder than others. This is one of those years. There is a void. We have learned and grieved and changed and grown, but the void still remains. It is there, in some way, for each of us. I accept that things will change, as time goes on, and as time has already, but I am not convinced the void will ever go away, or even that it should. I thought it would somehow be filled by now I guess.

I feel the void of not having you here most when I want to share something the children have done, good or bad. When the girls have straight A’s all year, I want to share that joy with you! When Brody skips a grade and still gets honor roll every term, I want to share that joy with you! When Maddox’s speech improves so everyone finally understands him, I want to share that joy with you! When I published my first book, I want to share that joy with you! When the girls are fighting and telling me they hate me and rolling their eyes and not doing anything I have asked of them, I want you here to have my back! When Brody is bored and hates school and asks why he has to even go, I want you here to have my back! When Maddox won’t eat anything but mac n cheese then can’t stop having massive diarrhea, I definitely want you here to have my back! When money is tight and I am completely spread as thin as I can be and it never seems to be enough, I want you here to have my back!

I feel your void on Friday nights. This has been a thing from day one. At the end of the busy week, when I finally have a chance to relax, I turn around and you are not there. I feel your void at baseball games and when the boys are outside giving each other batting practice. I feel your void when Brody asks me to pitch to him so he can catch and it’s the end of the day and I’m tired, but I know it makes him happy to practice. I feel your void when I make an amazing new dinner to try and I’m stuck eating it for days because the kids won’t touch it, but my garbage gut of a husband wouldn’t have ever turned food away or let it go bad days later. I feel a void when I want to share professional accomplishments with you.

Joni got her license. She bought her own car 100% by herself. She pays me every month for her own car insurance. She is a three sport athlete: volleyball, basketball, and lacrosse. Joni is back for her third summer working at Somerset Creamery. We are looking at colleges! Wherever there is a milestone, there is a void without you here to see it and share it with us. I do believe you are always with us in spirit, but spirit cannot high five or hug or have a drink together. Spirit cannot help to discipline teenagers. Spirit cannot intimidate boyfriends. Luckily, I have been somewhat successful at that last one myself!

Hanna is rocking high school. She also has straight A’s and is a three sport athlete. Lacrosse is her favorite, but she also enjoys volleyball and basketball. She is in her first season of working at Somerset Creamery. I remember you running out every Sunday night to pick up our ice cream while I put the kids to bed. We would sit together, watch TV, relax, and eat our ice cream. Without fail Hanna would always wake up and come downstairs to see what we were eating! Now she can finally get her own darn ice cream!

Brody is freaking twelve! He is so smart and kind and wonderful MOST OF THE TIME. He is the one kid that was NOT supposed to give me attitude! Here we are! He is definitely not as difficult as the girls. That being said, he will argue just about any point he can probably just for the sake of arguing! I think my husband enjoyed doing the same thing to me at times! He is so smart, but so bored at school. He needs to work with his hands and build things and fix things and figure things out. He can’t wait to join the girls at the tech. That school was perfect for the girls and I know it will be for the boys as well. I know we all miss you, but I can feel the void for the boys in a way that makes me choke. I cannot fill the void of not having a dad, no matter what I do or how hard I try. And trust me, I try really hard. He loves baseball. I can’t sign him up for all the baseball stuff he would love to do because there is only one of me, spread too thin. He misses you so much. He misses the things he doesn’t even know he misses. There are opportunities when he sees his friends get to do stuff with their dads that he misses out on because you’re not here to do them. I know twelve is such a hard age, but it’s made harder when you don’t have your dad to help you navigate. I know he talks to me more than probably many boys talk to their mama’s, but I can only imagine what he keeps to himself because it’s “guy stuff”. I cannot fill that void.

Maddox is getting so big, but still and always my baby. He is so tall compared to the others. He definitely didn’t inherit your height, or lack thereof! He is so active! His energy level makes me tired to watch! I know we all feel the void of not having you here, but I feel like he has the biggest one. He was 18 months. He doesn’t remember and it sucks for him. He has no idea what it’s like to have a father. At least the rest of us got you for enough time to make memories that we will never forget. He doesn’t get that and it’s not fair. It makes me really angry for him. I think of how awesome it would be for someone to play that role someday for him, but just not that easy. He gets really upset when his friends have their dad at school events or when he sees dads at baseball rooting on their kids. Brody is awesome at teaching him how to play ball, but I see the conflict they have sometimes and I know that throwing you out there for the both of them would be awesome. But, there’s that void.

I feel the void when the kids all have stuff going on at the same time and I can’t possibly get to it all. If I can’t, then there isn’t a parent to root them on. That sucks. I know I do alot more for our children than they even realize right now, but it is never enough. I recently read an article someone wrote about single moms. It was telling moms that had any involvement from dads at all to stop saying they are “like a single mom”. Being a widow is different than being married and still having most everything on you or being divorced and having your ex spouse take the kids every other weekend. Now I do know women who have to 100% raise kids on their own who are not widows. They understand much more where I am coming from. All of these situations suck and I’ve never wanted any pity, but I do wish sometimes people thought before they spoke.

I have had a year filled with much introspection. It has been empowering in many ways. I have accomplished things that I have set out to do and also established new goals to reach. Personally, I have grown so much as a human. Part of growing means looking at your past, really looking at it. Maybe that’s why this year seems so much harder, more raw. Maybe it’s why the void feels so big.

I know all of this letter to you seems somewhat depressing, pointing out all the places and times we miss you and all of the things we need and want you here for, but I don’t feel that way. Yes, we get sad at this time of year and we miss you at certain times more than others. However, we are blessed and lucky to have had something, someone, so profound and wonderful in our lives that a void was left behind. You gave us yourself. You gave us love and time and laughter. You gave us so many stories to keep telling Maddox. You gave us so many pictures to keep showing Maddox. Leaving your mark, this void, means that we loved. I would never go back and change a thing. If I was given the chance to do it differently, I wouldn’t. Sure, I hated when we fought, but nobody is perfect. Part of living is taking the good with the bad. I would NEVER give up the good we had. Not even for all the pain to go away. As the years move on and the void remains, it changes as life changes. Parenting demands make me feel that void more. Financial demands make me feel that void more. Friday nights make me feel that void more. But it all means that someone loved us very much, gave us so very much, and we were lucky to have you. Our lives are so full. We are healthy. Our children get to have school and sports and band and hobbies. I get to watch them grow. I have a full life with them and my wonderful friends, my professional accomplishments, my goals. We have food on the table, an amazing house, vacations, each other and every new day is a day to make new memories.

I accept that our lives can still be full with a void. I embrace that happiness and joy can still be the foundation of our lives with a void present. It is not something everyone will understand. Asking them to try would mean asking them to lose their spouse, their partner and to go through pain. I don’t wish that on anyone. I am just proud of us, of myself. It has taken time to get here, to this place of understanding, but the journey has been worth it. We are better people for having you in our lives. I understand that sadness can still allow for happiness and I know that a void means we were blessed enough to have something great.

I would, however, still like help with those teenagers!

Love and miss you Bobby,

Your bff,

Kelly