I am NOT an expert on trauma. I do not have a degree in the field. I am not a doctor of anything. I do, however, have experience, lots of experience. So if you want to read my opinion, keep going. If you are seeking professional help, however, this isn’t it. Just my two cents…

Trauma isn’t black and white. It isn’t one experience worse than the other at a certain time. My own trauma mostly has grief at the root, but there are other situations in my life that have also caused trauma, especially if it has to do with my children. We all process trauma differently and in various time frames, but TRAUMA MUST BE PROCESSED. I saw a quote recently and I am not sure who said it, but it really gets to my point here. “The only way out is through.” The only way to heal from what happens to us and around us is to address it, talk about it, work through it, hopefully with someone you trust, and then pick up the pieces to build your future without that trauma at the root of it. It will always be a piece of your life, but you won’t always see it front and center. I would like to think of trauma as stones in our garden that we have painted our own messages on. They remind us of how far we have come. These stones are just small pieces leftover from what once was the foundation of our house and on which our life was built. When we address that foundation, and the cracks in it, we break it down and the trauma is easier to see and handle as part of a stronger self. We are then able to rebuild the foundation and cast those stones out of the house and into the garden. Then we can find them as a sign of our strength whenever we might feel weak. Look how far you have come!

When trauma is not addressed, things can get really ugly. That foundation, made up of the trauma, will eventually cause the house to crumble. I have seen it firsthand. My daughter did not cry for a year after her father died. She was 9. I worried about where that sadness was hiding. She went into full on taking over, helping with everything, delving into school work and her sports. On the 1 year anniversary of his death, I asked the children to each write a letter to their dad to bring to the cemetery. She went upstairs for 45 minutes, came downstairs crying and holding the letter, and cried almost all the time for the next 2 weeks. It was hard to see, but it was her time and it had to happen. My daughter is just like me, for better or worse. In this case, worse. I too used to stay as busy as possible, partly because 4 kids keep you busy and partly because thinking is sometimes too painful. After my husband died, I did think and I did cry alot for years. It was mostly at night when the house was quiet and I was by myself. As time went on, this happened less and less. It doesn’t mean I miss him any less. It just means that I have healed in a way that allows me to be ok missing him and still live life to the fullest.

When my dad died, I did exactly what my daughter had done when her dad died. It scared the crap out of me. I spoke with my therapist about it. (Everybody should have one by the way!) She asked me why I thought I hadn’t cried. I told her it hurt too much. I was afraid that if I started, I might never stop. This man was the one with me through losing everyone else I had lost. He was what I had left to keep me sane. She assured me that yes it would hurt and also that I would eventually stop. That evening my kids and I talked about my dad and what we missed and we did all cry, alot. And I did stop. I am not sure you can ever really be the same after you lose a parent, but you can still rebuild, using those stones as reminders of your strength.

Trauma is not only grief from death of loved ones. I can’t begin to list examples of trauma. However, we all have it. Adults and children all will at some point suffer trauma. We live in a world where everyone just keeps going, no matter what. When you end a relationship and are waking up the next day, buying your coffee, at the office, at the grocery store, look around. There is nobody that knows how empty you feel and the world is still turning. That is a shitty feeling, yet you are supposed to keep going because that’s what the rest of the world does, right? WRONG. You are supposed to give yourself grace. You are human. You need to process your emotions! It’s not only okay, but necessary. They will come out. We cannot run from it. Sometimes we just need time to think and regroup. Sometimes we need more. Yesterday, my son’s school went on lockdown. The children were in no danger, thank God. There was a domestic issue in the neighborhood. However, these children did not know why their day was suddenly going to be different than planned. They did not know why they had to get on buses and ride to another school to see their mommies and daddies. Parents waited over 3 hours from the first notice of a lockdown until they held their babies tight. That is a long time. It’s a long time to pray and not know and pray some more. It’s a long time to think about your kid being scared and you not being there to comfort them and let them know they are indeed safe. Today my son is home from school. We talked about what happened and decided together that a mental health day off would be a good idea. This is the start of giving him space to process this trauma. We need quiet and someone we trust to do this. Adults need to model this for our children. This will help them to grow up knowing that it’s ok to stop and think and process and move through it to get past it.

Unfortunately, we live in a very All-or-Nothing society. Much of society is either completely on one end or the other of everything. Nothing seems to be in moderation. Everything is taken to the extreme. We are either mentally tough and never cry or we fall apart at every turn. This is simply not true. I need to clarify. Emotions are ALL normal and natural. We all have every emotion and we should feel them. Without feeling sad, we won’t know happy. Without feeling anxious, we wouldn’t feel relaxed. There is not one emotion that we should not feel at one point or another. It’s still ok to feel sad or angry, but it is how we deal with those emotions that is important. If we feel sad and stay there, that becomes a problem. If we are anxious and never face a certain situation because of it, then we are not truly living and this requires help. There is a difference in facing traumatic events and the emotions they stir up in us in a healthy way versus dwelling on it all and letting it take over. We must face it, work through it, come up with a plan, and move forward with our lives. I do not believe that we should allow any event or emotion to become a crutch. There is no excuse for being a jerk or stifling your own growth. In our children, we should also not make excuses for them or their behavior. Let’s build strength in ourselves and in our children. Let’s use mental health strategies to make the world a kinder, more joyful place. Let’s normalize taking a break and regrouping over going non-stop until trauma bites us in the ass. Let’s normalize asking people how they are doing and actually caring. Let’s listen to one another, help each other and be the sunshine someone may need. Help me to show our children that, no matter how they are feeling, it’s ok. Help them feel safe to process it. Let it become the norm. We are here to help them through it and we will help them write their own messages on their stones of life, as we learn to write our own.

When I was 5 years old, my parents hosted Up With People for what would become the first of many times. Many people are familiar with UWP, but I know some are not. In a nutshell, you travel with students from all over the world by bus, do community service, perform a show spreading love and not hate, and you stay with host families. Google it. It’s still a thing today and I encourage you to have your older children consider it for a gap year. I remember the five guys we hosted (we had a big house). They were only with us about 4 days, but I loved every second with them around. I especially fell in love with the show they performed. In particular, one song always stuck with me (besides the theme song we never get out of our heads!). This song is called, “What Color is God’s Skin?”. The man that sang it had an amazing, deep voice that gave chills and the cast performed it in sign language too. I still (think) I remember the movements. After that, my dad sang me this song often and I would catch him humming it around the house here and there as well. I share it with my own kids today and I have shared it from time to time on my Facebook page. The message is beautiful. Who cares what color your skin is? God made us all and loves us all!

I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I didn’t need a song to remind me of something I was already learning every single day from my parents. I don’t believe that they ever had to tell me that skin color didn’t matter or that religion didn’t matter or that sexual orientation didn’t matter. They lived their lives showing me. It never occurred to me to question why my dad’s best friend since middle school had black skin. They were best friends because he was a great guy and so was my dad. They played football together and always had each other’s backs. They were friends based on every reason people are supposed to become friends, not based on skin color. In fact, they were such amazing friends, that I got to hear them say good-bye to each other before my father passed away. My dad lived with me when he took very ill. He was a month shy of 79 years old. His condition was getting worse each day. I asked him what he wanted or needed to do before he passed away. One of the things he said was “I want to call Henry.” I dialed up my father’s best friend and told him that my dad wasn’t doing so great and had wanted to speak with him. I eavesdropped from the other room. The tears fell freely for them and for me. My father told his friend how much he had always meant to him and they spoke of old times and the over six decades of friendship they were blessed to share. I heard my dad tell Henry that he would see him on the other side. It was sad and heart-breaking and beautiful all at the same time.

This is what it is all about. It’s not about the black or the white or the yellow or any color in between. It’s not about the catholic or the jew or the atheist. It’s not about the straight or the gay or the he or the she or the they. It is about the human. It is about the love. It is about a world full of people that don’t look the same, but are all beautiful. It is about a world full of people who don’t think the same, but all hold valid thoughts that should be respected. It is about a world full of people with different jobs and levels of education that are still all brilliant in their own unique ways. It is about a world full of people who just want to be heard, to be understood, to be free to be who they are, and to still be loved and respected. It really is not that complicated. Love and kindness and peace are all simple.

It is about two 11 year old boys on a playground who decided to be friends. They didn’t think about it being 1950. They were just boys who both loved football. They were boys who had each other’s backs from the beginning. Picking a fight with one of them meant picking a fight with both of them and that was that. I have no doubt that when Henry passed away not too long after my dad, they did see each other on the flip side. I am sure that reunion was a great one. I am also sure that the two of them are looking down at this world, shaking their heads and wondering how in the hell it is 2022 and people are still out there being dumbasses using criteria for friendships and acceptance that was never ok, not in 1950 and not today. My dad and Henry did life up right and I am grateful they passed that on to me. Now to those of you who aren’t accepting, who aren’t as loving to all those who cross your path, I have this to say… Get your head out of your butthole, stop being a turd, and love one another as you too want to be loved!

I love looking through old pictures. It’s fun to see myself as a baby and a toddler. I love seeing my brother and I in pictures together too and comparing which of my kids looks like us at different ages and stages. I love seeing pictures of my grandparents and great aunts and uncles, especially the ones old enough to be only black and white. I love seeing the photographs of my parents and aunts and uncles when they were children, teenagers, and early adulthood before I knew them. The pictures of my parents are extra special to me, since they are gone now. The same goes for both of my brothers, my uncle, and my late husband. The last family pictures we had together with my husband were taken the week before he was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. He didn’t feel good and wanted to reschedule and I urged him to just smile for an hour. I am so glad that I insisted on keeping that appointment with the photographer. He got sick pretty fast. Seven months later he passed away. Our baby was only 18 months old. Pictures and stories are all he will ever have to know his dad. I make sure each and every year to have family pictures taken. It’s a tradition that I will not break.

Whenever we are out at a tourist spot or traveling, we see families taking pictures together. It always seems the mom is taking it of her kids or of everyone else. I always offer to take the photo so they can all be in it. Many times the mom will say it doesn’t really matter, she doesn’t think she looks that great anyways. I tell her she looks amazing and insist on them all having this memory captured together. I hear it alot. “I can’t stand the way I look in photos!” “I will be in them again when I lose weight/color my grey/have a nicer outfit on.” Come on moms (and dads)! GET IN THE PHOTO. I cannot stress this enough. GET IN THE PHOTO! ALL OF THEM!

Tragedies happen. Great memories also happen. Sometimes the great memories are times in our lives we didn’t even realize were great until years later. After the tragedies that cause the losses, all we have are the memories and the photographs that can take us back to those memories. We can use photographs to help us heal. After my mother died, it was difficult not to picture her in the ICU with tubes coming in and out of her fragile body. I look at her from the photographs we have and it has helped erase the nightmare of her before she died. I see my mom, vibrant, smiling, in so many different activities, on years of special occasions, enjoying us, her family and her friends. When my son, Greyson, was stillborn a photographer came in and asked if I wanted pictures of him as I held him. I was so afraid to have this be a painful memory forever etched in my mind that I wasn’t sure I should have photographs. I did it anyways. After I had done some healing, I needed those pictures of my son. I wanted to see which of the other children he resembled. I want to always remember his sweet angel face. I cherish the pictures of my brother that I never met because he passed away before I was born as well as the ones of my other brother and I together as children, teenagers, and adults. I love that I have so many pictures with my late husband, so many of him with the kids. I make sure they are out for everyone to see as well. They need to be able to see their dad, the same way I love seeing the ones of my own dad.

If you are living a good life, you are cherishing the people you love and they are loving and cherishing you back. When you are gone, all that is left are the memories and the photographs. As generations pass, all your grandchildren and great grandchildren etc. will have are those wonderful photographs. They will want to see if they have your nose or your height or share your eye color. Get over yourself, your weight, you not being picture perfect in your own mind and give your family and friends your smiling face!

Photographs are not just for generations that follow us, but for us as well. Look around your home. Do you see any pictures of special times with friends, places you have visited, or birthday celebrations for your children? On days when you might not be feeling amazing, walk around and take a look at those pictures. Allow yourself to remember those good times and smile knowing how lucky you are to have had them! Be grateful knowing that, even though something is getting you down right now, you have experienced some pretty awesome stuff! Know that you will someday soon have more joy to photograph and frame to place all around you. What a gift!

We are blessed each and every day, all of us, in some way. It is what we choose to see that matters. It is much easier to see the good when we are surrounded by it through the pictures we have right in front of us. So these photographs we may not want to be in, are all potential gifts! These will someday will be given back to ourselves and passed on to others. We will be taken back to that restaurant where they put the sombrero on our best friend. We will see the look of surprise on our daughter’s face as she saw her birthday cake. We will remember the love our parents had for one another by seeing it in their eyes on their wedding day. We will smell our grandmother’s perfume when we see ourselves at 4 years old on her lap. There are countless memories to capture throughout our lives. Don’t let them pass you by. Take a few minutes today to walk around your home and really look at each picture you have displayed. If there aren’t many out, then make it a plan to go through your phone, get a bunch of those printed, and frame them! I promise you will never regret being in that photograph, but someone, somewhere will miss you if your face isn’t smiling back at them.

If you have ever had a conversation with me, you know that I can talk.  I mean as in longevity.  I can chat for days.  It drives my kids nuts.  We go somewhere to drop something off or just run a quick errand.  They know if there is any chance of me striking up a conversation, it will happen.  I knew my own mother would do the same, as would my aunts, uncles, and cousins.  That side of my family was given the gift of gab.  When I ask my son to go for a walk around the neighborhood with me and the dog, he always asks, “Are you going to stop and talk to people”?  I tell him that, if the opportunity arises, he can be sure I will!  Then he stays home.  I suppose if you refer to me as short and sweet, it is in reference to my height and, possibly, my demeanor, but definitely not my conversations.  

Today I received a phone call from someone that was purely for “business” purposes. What could easily have been a 1 minute call turned into an almost 10 minute call.  After we hung up, it got me thinking.  What was it that made it automatic that we, two complete strangers,  would find a way to have a friendly chat in the middle of the chaos that was our day?  I gave this some careful consideration. Here is what I think leads to these spontaneous conversations.   I enjoy people.  I genuinely enjoy learning about others.  I love hearing their stories.  I love seeing others smile when they have something wonderful to share.  I appreciate my role in being an ear when someone needs to vent as well.  How special that they would be comfortable enough to trust me with sharing a piece of their life and their day!  Everyone has something to say and how often do we really get to say it?  If your day is anything like mine, you are constantly rushing from one thing to the next and trying to figure out how to get organized, how to fit it all in!  It makes a day exhausting!  When did we all get this busy?  Why did we all get this busy?  When my mother chatted with a neighbor much longer than was planned, she had the right idea. 

We have all heard about how we should “stop to smell the roses”. We also need to stop and appreciate the people around us! A day goes by much nicer when you have engaged in conversations with interesting people. Oh, and here is something to think about: we are ALL interesting people! When we have spent the day involved in what can be so mundane, imagine if someone took the time to stop and chat with us and to listen to what we had to say? How would that feel? I know on those days when I engage more with others, I am far more fulfilled. I feel like I have been more productive. I realize I am just part of a whole.

We are all one piece to the entire puzzle. What a wonderful way to piece the puzzle of our lives together! Learn about other pieces that make up your puzzle, your day to day, your life. Grow as you learn. Grow in understanding. You have not walked in everyone else’s shoes. You do not know their story and why they are who they are until you listen. Grow as you help others through giving your time and your ear. Grow as you tell others bits and pieces of your own story. Learn to stop judging and to be kind. Learn that we all have a past, we all have overcome obstacles, and we all have dreams and goals for our futures.

Even when you think a conversation is just small talk, it is still important. That small talk might be the only time the other person (or you) have connected with someone that day. That small talk may have been the break needed to keep going. That small talk may have been a great distraction. That small talk may be the start to a new friendship.

Humans were never meant to walk the earth alone. Our species cannot survive without depending on one another. We need to live and work in packs. We need communication with other humans to thrive. When you are in person, add a smile. When you’re on the phone, make sure the other person can hear your smile. It is definitely possible, I swear!

Just because we have work to do or need to rush right on to the next thing on the days agenda doesn’t mean we need to overlook the power of connecting and conversation. So, next time you have an opportunity to go beyond the quick hello or merely taking care of business, make it a point to do it!

My kids may get annoyed as they sit and wait for me in the car. I may have other things I need to accomplish. There may be others out there that dread seeing me coming because they know I am going to start to chat (I hope not)! No matter. I promise you, I will strive to always stay short and sweet, just not when I open my mouth.

We have all heard the saying for years, “Make sure you get a dog when you have teenagers. This way someone in the house will always be happy to see you.” It goes something like that, and I can tell you from firsthand experience that it is true. I have no idea who came up with it, but it really should be a public service announcement.

I have two. Teenagers, that is. Yes, I also have a dog. Thank God. I remember when my teenage girls were cute. It’s not like they are ugly now or anything. In fact, they are both quite beautiful young women. But, they definitely are not cute. Now, instead of big, sweet, brown eyes staring back at me, they’re rolling them back in their heads. Guess who still has big, sweet, brown eyes that stare at me with love and affection? Yep, Cocoa. She looks at me with those eyes and still makes me melt…sigh. Instead of me being the coolest thing since sliced bread to my girls, I make them cringe just by being near them. Guess who never criticizes my outfits? Yep, Cocoa! In fact, I imagine Cocoa thinks I look amazing every day. Instead of jumping at the chance to go somewhere fun with me, my teenagers need to make sure a friend can come. Not Cocoa! If she gets to go for a ride in the car with me, she certainly would never want another doggie stealing my attention. I love going for walks around our picturesque neighborhood. When I ask who wants to go, I only ever get one taker. I’ll give you a hint. It’s not a teenager.

Teenagers don’t listen. We all already know that fact. When you annouce dinner is ready, they are upstairs in their rooms and don’t hear you. They come down later asking why you never told them there was food. Guess who is always ready to eat dinner? Yep, once again, it’s my Cocoa Bear! Usually, even when teenagers are next to you, their attention is too busy looking at a device, so they barely hear you anyways. Guess who doesn’t have a phone or an ipad? Yep, Cocoa! I mean, Cocoa will watch TV with me, but usually just for the snuggles.

There are plenty more reasons why dogs are better than teenagers. Dogs don’t leave their dishes in the sink. Dogs don’t leave food wrappers on the couch. Dogs don’t forget to flush the toilet. Dogs don’t leave their shoes in front of the doorway when they walk in the house so everybody trips on them. Dogs never tell you they hate what you made for dinner. Dogs never steal your eyelash curler or tweezers or nail clippers. Dogs never lie about stealing your eyelash curler or tweezers or nail clippers. Dogs don’t tell their younger brother he is stupid. Dogs don’t buy things on Amazon under your account. Dogs don’t overfill the trashcan because they don’t want to take out the trash. Dogs don’t take two towels for every shower and then leave them on their bedroom floor.

My girls are currently 16 and almost 15. I know each stage they go through doesn’t last forever. I know we should savor each and every day. This stage, however, will not be one I will be sad to see go. I am just sayin’… I do miss when they were cute. I am happy they are smart, athletic, kind (mostly), funny, and well-rounded. I am just looking forward to a time when maybe they’ll be neat and respectful again. I tell them all the time: they were neater, more respectful, and far more helpful when they were 7 and 9 than they are now. Sad, but true. This does give me hope though. Those sweet, helpful little girls are still in there somewhere, buried under the teenage hormones and angst and struggles for independence. They will come back. I have hope. They will eventually think I’m cool again. I mean, I am very cool. Everybody else knows it, especially my 8 and 11 year old sons. I’m enjoying them while I still can.

Until they do come around, I will be sitting here on the couch, snuggling my Cocoa, watching Scooby-Doo (her favorite), and thinking about the dogs I’ll need to get for my teenagers someday around the time their kids start turning 11 or 12.

This morning, after I dropped my youngest off at school and was on my way back to the junior high to bring my other son his lunch that he forgot, I started thinking about my dad. It has been almost 4 years since my dad passed away. The two of us barely let hours go by without giving each other a phone call and saying hi or telling each other any little thing that had happened, even if it was a quick chat. I imagined that I would have called him right then. I would let him know about the forgotten lunch. He would laugh and then say I should have let him bring it over instead. He would ask me my agenda for the day, tell me I do too much, then insist on picking up the kids later so I could get more work done. That’s always how my dad was, giving and caring and the most help I have ever had.

The holidays are upon us. I love them so much! I also love my family and have a longing for them more at this time of year, just like I am sure anyone who has lost a loved one does. I am a true believer in angels. Our loved ones come to us when we need them the most. When we least expect it, they pop in to say hi. I think that is why sometimes we just don’t really know what made us have that moment or day when we were missing them more than usual, or thinking about them quite a bit. While I was missing my dad, I had Pandora on (yes, Christmas music!). A song came on that I have never heard before. It’s called Evergreen. It was written by Sam DeRosa, Eric Leva, Scott Hoying, Jesse Thomas, and Kevin Olusola. It is sung by Pentatonix. It struck me immediately.

“I want to tell you a story about my mother. How she would give up everything for her daughter’s dreams, yeah, a mother’s love is evergreen. ”

My mother will have been passed twenty years this Christmas. She died December 23, 2001. It is really still unbelievable, to be honest. How does one get married, have babies, have a career without their mother? As we all know, the world keeps turning. It doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the void. I spend as much time as I can spreading hope and studying the best ways to do it, but we are all human. It isn’t about not feeling that void or not getting down. It’s about what we do to pick ourselves back up and that we do indeed pick ourselves back up. My mother was always smiling and always so positive. She was truly amazing. She and my father buried my brother David when he was 8 years old. They lost a child. Yet my mother’s smile never, ever seemed to falter. She would tell me that good things come from bad things if we look hard enough.

“For all the weight she carried, she ain’t tired. I spend my whole life trying to be more like her.”

My mother loved Christmas. Anyone that knew her, found that out pretty quickly. She passed that love down to me. When she died 2 days before Christmas, I knew it was her way of letting us know she would always be there for her favorite time of year, in whatever way she could. As a child, one of my earliest memories is poking my head out from behind her to greet visitors at her annual Christmas open house. I would still be clinging to her leg because I was extremely shy. Yes, I swear I used to be shy, but anyways… My mother gave us the tradition of the party, but also of the tastes and smells it brought with it. If you have ever attended the open house that I now have, know that much of what I cook up was first made by her, in a kitchen so filled with love and laughter. I can only hope that I give this same kitchen, these same traditions, to my children.

“There is a box in the attic. We take it down each year and pass through generations, lights and souvenirs. From the ones who came before us, the reason why we’re here, singing all these carols and spreading all this cheer.”

My mom and I went to Christmas Eve mass together every year. My favorite Christmas song is O, Come All Ye Faithful because she would sing it proudly and never cared if she was a little out of tune. I am at mass with my children every Christmas Eve. I have yet to sit through one and not cry. If I look like a weirdo, I don’t care. I am not looking for pity or judgement. It doesn’t matter to me. Most of all, I am not actually sad. I am remembering my mother and my father, the amazing traditions and memories they gave to me, the amazing life with which I have always been blessed. Those are tears of gratitude that I was given 25 years with my mom and 41 with my dad.

“So on every Christmas Eve, I thank my family tree.”

“Now that I’m a little older, it isn’t lost on me, the magic of tradition, and the memories we keep.”

I know the holidays are a time of joy for many, but also a time of sorrow for others. I recognize the stress some feel. Gift giving costs money or takes time out of an already busy schedule. Missing people we aren’t with at the holidays is a difficult emotion to feel. Feeling or being obligated to spend time with family that you don’t get along with can make this time extra stressful. There are many factors that play a part in whether you face the holidays with dread or joy.

Just remember, that is up to you.

For every stress, there is a different perspective. If you really don’t want to spend time with people, think about what is good about them. Focus on that. Then, think of the lonely who have no one to share with a holiday meal. If gift giving is too expensive, tell everyone that this year you are making their gift. Don’t be embarassed either! I guarantee you will give them the most memorable gifts they have had yet. Teach them a lesson in appreciation. In a world that longs to be kinder, make that this year’s goal. It is a researched fact from multiple sources (search it up, I swear) that by reaching outside of yourself, you connect to a joy in helping others that surpasses selfish tendencies for our own instant gratification. Doing for others allows us to get outside of ourselves and our own “stuff”. Many times, we see that our own problems do not hold as much weight. Also, we give ourselves a break from focusing on the negative as we do something positive for others. I challenge you this year to choose kindness and giving and to make time for both each and every day.

What you want to believe is up to you. You are in charge of your thoughts. I am asked often how I can be so positive. Well, I believe. I believe the world can be a better place. I believe there is magic in each of us. I believe we all have powers to be better and to do better. I believe a smile like my mom’s is in each one of us and that it wants to smile like a crazy person at everyone every, single day. I believe in the magic of the holidays. I believe in Hallmark Christmas movies and the happy ending! I believe in the magic of Santa! I believe that if we all believe, we can create a better home, community, and world! I believe in the kindness of others. I believe in the power of hope! I believe that a bad day isn’t a bad life. I believe that, even in death, my loved ones continue to teach me. They teach me my strengths. They teach me to rely on my village when I feel weak. The teach me that I can be a better parent to my children and a better person to my partner. Through what they gave me, I know I am here to somehow show others that joy is real and pure and yours, no matter who you are and no matter your circumstances.

In honoring my mother twenty years after she physically left our world, I implore you to believe. Believe in the magic. Remember the MOST joyous holiday you have had and feel that joy again. Create that joy NOW! Believe that you hold the key to your own happiness now and always. Believe in the power of a smile.

“So don’t forget, as time goes on, all the joy is never gone.”

Wow, crazy, 6 years.  Six years ago today you passed away.  Six years ago, after a 7 month long battle.  Cancer sucks.  15 years together, 11 years married, 4 kids, total of 4 dogs, and then 7 months of trying to stay here, but God had other plans.  We will always miss you.  That can’t change.  Over time, it helps to see that we are ok though and we can still thrive in this life we have been given.  God is good and when we trust His plan, we can see a bigger picture.  Life can be so scary sometimes, but that trust and faith and hope is huge.  Bobby, you know I have never been able to keep my mouth shut when I believe strongly in something.  Well, I believe strongly in this: the key to any new widows out there, and to anyone that has lost a loved one is to keep faith, to have faith.  They need to know that it really does get easier and that it is not selfish to enjoy life again.  If anything, it’s more selfish not to.  We are here and need to appreciate that by living, truly living, and by loving hard and being kind while we still can, we are honoring those who have passed.  We should be spreading peace and joy and happiness.  Being on this planet is a blessing.  We should always try to honor that and make sure we are making every day the best one yet, in whatever way possible.  Bobby, I know you’re always with us, every step of the way.  I know you see the crazy life we lead and how I barely seem to keep it all working, somehow.  It really is something to reflect each year through these letters that I write to you on our lives. 

Joni will be 16 in a month.  When I watch her now, I am in awe that she was that scrawny little thing with the high pitched voice and the bossy attitude and sweet eyes who used to dance between us in the kitchen.  She lost the high pitched voice, but definitely kept the bossy attitude.  She is taking driver’s ed, working, and playing volleyball.  She has gotten straight A’s the entire school year.  She is a nerd like me.  Like any teenager, she can be extremely helpful or drive me crazy depending on her mood.  She was confirmed yesterday.   It was a very proud moment.  I am sure that feeling of overwhelming emotion was because you and all of our angels were there to celebrate as well.  She is a hard worker and saving up for a car. She wants to be able to get one next winter when she gets her license.  I must be raising her right!  She is a tough cookie.  Her life experiences have made her that way, I’m sure.  She doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve the way I do.  She protects herself by mostly holding it in and avoiding negativity altogether.   Sometimes this is a good thing, but I worry it will bite her in the ass someday as well.  We are all allowed to have our way, however.  I can only guide and make sure she knows I’m always here to listen. 

Hanna is 14.  She is the same Hanna she has always been, stubborn as hell, but also very loving.  She worries so much, especially about me.  I understand why and I know it’s normal, but I still wish I could take her worry away.  She will be in high school next year with Joni.  I am very excited to see what she chooses as a path to follow with a new slate.  The past few years have been difficult.  It will be nice for her to have consistency for school finally.   She is really a beautiful young lady and has such a cute style.  She has been great at encouraging Maddox in his schoolwork lately.  It is so helpful.  She makes such a difference when she helps me.  Post pandemic we have finally gone out a few times shopping again.  She is definitely my kid.  She and I have a blast when we shop together.  The boys and Joni all get bored, but Hanna and I could both just poke around through stores for hours laughing and enjoying just being out and about.  There are so many times lately that she and I are together and it feels nice to connect.  As she gets older and more mature, I am grateful for that connection.  I just let her behind the wheel to drive down the street since she will be driving soon too.  For some reason, it scares me more to think of her behind the wheel.  She is just still so small! The kids just had doctors appointments and she is only 1 inch taller than Brody.

Brody is 11 and has homeschooled with me this year.  I’ve taught him 2 grades and hoping to put him ahead next year.  I’m not trying to push him.  He just learns things quickly and is a very intelligent kid.  He loves baseball and especially playing catcher.  He is in his second year of playing.  He’s got a great coach, which I never take for granted.  It’s so much fun to be outside watching him play.  He loves trying to get Maddox out there and teach him tips on the game.  It makes me happy to have baseball back in our lives after it was gone for a few years.  We all missed it.  Brody loves riding his bike and fishing like most boys do.  He also fights with Maddox and gets annoyed with him like most brothers do as well. I remind him someday they’ll be best friends.  Brody is constantly cooking up new creations and the only one that cleans up after himself most of the time.  He is so sweet and thoughtful and helpful and I would be lost without all he does to make me smile.  He hugs me every chance he gets and always says sweet things to me. 

Maddox is 7 now.  Homeschooling him this year has been challenging,  but also rewarding.   He is reading like a champ and very proud of himself.  He is a spitfire and can’t sit still to save his life.  He is also playing baseball and I’m his team’s coach,  God help me.  We had our first game last weekend and it was super fun.  Thank God I had help. Herding sheep. Honestly.  But still fun.  Maddox never stops moving and talking.  When I can get him to stop and snuggle, I take it all in.  That’s my littlest baby, after all.  He has the MOST bubbly personality and could run for mayor.  I love how he makes friends everywhere he goes. 

Raising them as a single parent is hard.  Well, that’s an understatement, actually.   I constantly feel like I’m failing, but luckily I have good people around me who tell me I’m doing just fine.  Sometimes I even believe them. This past year professionally has been a challenge with the pandemic. I have used it to take a course to help me as the world gets more “normal” again. I have also used the time to write more which has always been important to me. I have busted butt on home improvements and teaching the kids new skills as I learn them myself. Getting them to do chores seems harder now that I have teens and a tween than when they were all under the age of 10! I heard baseball needed some volunteers this past winter so I showed up to a meeting to see what I could do. Somehow I left as the secretary along with volunteering to coach Maddy’s team. I’m happy to have met some great people, so it has become a win in my book. This past year has been a good one, with more positives than just baseball, thanks to our angels.

[ I have also been blessed with a pretty awesome man in my life. It’s been over 7 months and he still puts up with my crazy. In fact, he might even like it I think. He and his son have not only been a blessing for me, but also for the kids. He treats me like I am the most special woman on earth, even if he doesn’t try. We work together very well and it has added to our happiness. It’s a great thing I never settled on what didn’t feel right for whatever reason with someone else. This gave the room for what he and I now get to share. We are pretty sure there are a few angels up there that set this all up. Thank you for that. ]

Thanks for making sure we had so many great memories. As time goes by, it’s nice to be able to share those, laugh at them, and keep you in our lives. Xoxo

I have friends that grew up on and around lakes. They put their boat out in the freshwater, enjoy fishing, and all of the other joys that come from being on the water. When we talk about the water, I talk of the ocean, the salt. Growing up with freshwater tends to make one think salt is somehow ‘gross’. I think that’s blasphemy. Don’t get me wrong. There are perks to freshwater. Most people will be quick to point out the whole shark argument, I know…I know, but the magic of that salt, of the ocean, that feeling that comes over me…there isn’t anything like it. One of my best friends over video chat a few weeks ago was referring to the ocean. “It’s a special place. There is no place quite like it.” She has seen quite a few places across the globe and yet, this is still the place that never leaves her heart. I’ve been to 42 states, to oceans, lakes, ponds, and rivers. I’ve been to the mountains and the plains as well. There is nothing like the ocean. Living on Cape Cod is different. It is a blessing. It has a pull like no other place, no matter where else I have been. I am sure this will stir something in my friends and others who read this and live on Cape as well. As spring is finally here, I have been inspired to make a list of the things about living here that make me especially giddy as summer approaches. I welcome you to share with me your own joys of summer and our beloved Cape Cod.

10. Stuffed Quahogs

9. Telling tourists about the tunnel.

8. CCBL. Cape Cod summer baseball is more than just a game. Drop by a game and you’ll see what I mean.

7. Outdoor showers

6. Mudslides : Chartroom or Sea Crest, you decide. Both are one of the best tastes of summer on the Upper Cape.

5. Anything Ptown. Commercial Street, eclectic shops, the candy store, street performers, theater, whale watches, climbing the tower, hiking around the sand dunes…just to name a few.

4. Ice cream. On the Cape we are ice cream snobs. We have every right to be when we have so many amazing places to choose from. My personal favorite is Somerset Creamery where you can smell the homemade waffle cones as soon as you pull into the parking lot.

3. Sunsets at Old Silver Beach and Sandy Neck.

2. Salt. I remember when my kids were little and the smell of their hair when they got out of the ocean and sat in my lap. That has always been my favorite smell. Mix salt and sunscreen and sea air and it equals heaven. That sun-kissed salty skin is the best feeling too!

1. Home. The Cape is home. It may have a million reasons to be the best place on the planet, but it will always be home and for that, I am beyond grateful.

I know most people have a special spot in their heart for the places in which they live. I understand bias. However, my point is that I am grateful. It isn’t lost on me that people pay thousands of dollars each summer to visit where I live. I get to play tourist and it’s amazing. If you have never been to Cape Cod, give us a visit. If you haven’t been in a while, come back. Lastly, if you live here and don’t like the tourists, remember they bring in the dollars that help support our local businesses and keep our area well-kept. Also, if you know me and you like me, just know that I was once “just a summer kid” here. Look at you, getting to have me all year round!

Yeah, there is a magic to being on the water, but the ocean? The magic of the salt and it’s healing powers go beyond the science and right to the heart. Don’t believe me. Come find out for yourself.

It’s time for a change guys. I am not even bringing politics into this either. It doesn’t matter if you think left, right, or middle. Change needs to happen and it needs to start IN YOUR HOUSE WITH YOU AND YOUR KIDS. We have been fighting a pandemic across the globe for 8 months. We were improving and now we have a surge. This should not surprise any of us. In summer, we have more people out and about and less sickness. As fall continues and winter comes, cases of everything will rise as they always do. However, we all know (because yes people science is real) that this is a big one, people are still dying, life is still being altered, etc. There is a saying, “It isn’t about what happens to you, it’s about how you handle it”. Depression is real, mental health issues are real, anxiety is real. They are also part of life. Our children are suffering from these things more than ever and so are we. Professional help is needed and golden in some cases, but not necessary in all of them. There is something missing that we as a society have neglected to teach our children and have neglected to learn for ourselves. It’s my favorite word: RESILIENCE.

Learning to be resilient is just like learning anything else, it requires practice and finding the right tools for the job. Its requires a commitment over time to change your habits, and even to change how your brain views life and its experiences. ANYONE can benefit from having resiliency. Some people may require more help than this, but having this added in can only help.

I am not an expert on mental health or resiliency. I do not claim to be able to “fix” anyone, nor do I ever believe that is my job. God put me here for a reason. I believe in using my experiences and the skills I have acquired throughout my life to help others and to give hope through my own actions.

So, here we are. In a pandemic. Here is some of what I have been hearing.

• “I am so sick of this.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “I hate wearing a mask. This is stupid.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “I miss seeing all my friends.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “But I wanna play football/hockey/lacrosse!”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “What about the holidays? Nobody is going to tell me I can’t have a party.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “My mom is paranoid I guess, but I can’t go to that party.”
• “It’s just not fair.”

Let me stop right here. In case nobody has ever told you this, and yes I am looking you right in the eye, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. TO ANYONE. AT DIFFERENT TIMES. SOMETIMES TO EVERYONE. IT NEVER WILL BE. AS SOON AS YOU SUCK IT UP AND LET THAT CONCEPT OF “FAIR” GO, YOU WILL BE ON THAT JOURNEY TO RESILIENCE AND INNER HAPPINESS!

We cannot control what happens to us or around us. We cannot control school being in person, remote, or hybrid. We cannot control whether or not sports and sporting events are allowed. We cannot control someone else’s behavior if they aren’t doing what we consider to be the “right” thing.

What we can control is how we choose to react, view, and move forward each day under whatever circumstances we have been given. I WILL BE THE FIRST TO SAY THIS IS NOT ALWAYS EASY!

You have two options. You either wallow and stay there and over time change your brain chemistry to see life as awful and miserable and to teach your children the same OR you go through the emotions of getting upset, getting it out, and letting it go, moving forward with skills that help you to see that life is always changing and we can still enjoy it and in doing so, you teach that joy to your children (and to anyone else watching).

So the holidays are coming up, a time for gatherings. I myself will miss the enormous open house I have every year. Some worry about money more at the holidays, especially now if you can’t work. Some people suffer from seasonal depression and some get lonelier than normal. So, what are we going to do about all of this? What a great holiday season it would be if we bitched about the stuff we can’t do and listened to our kids do the same or hide in their rooms on their devices…. who’s with me? Sounds awesome, right? NOT EVEN A CHANCE!

So what then? Well, first, let’s go back to my favorite word. RESILIENCY. Like I said, I am no expert. Here are just some skills that work for me. I suggest anyone that hasn’t done these things, to start. It can be life changing, no matter how minor you think they are.

• Live with gratitude. Trust me, someone is out there worse off than you right now. Make a list of 10 things every night that you are grateful for. It doesn’t matter how trivial the things on that list seem. Just make it. For example, I ate a hot meal today or I have a bed to sleep in or I have fingers that helped tie my son’s shoes! It doesn’t matter how big or how small. MAKE THE LIST. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
• Wake up and set your tone. Before you grab for your phone or turn on the news or roll out of bed, make a list (in your head if you want, counting on your fingers) of 10 things you’re looking forward to that day. Again, anything! Is the sun out? Look forward to good weather. Is it raining? Look forward to a hot cocoa kind of day. Look forward to getting to snuggle, see, or even talk on the phone with a loved one. Look forward to the unexpected that you tell yourself will happen in a positive way that day!
• Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders when you exhale. Picture letting go of whatever is weighing you down. Imagine it vanishing into the sky and leaving you alone.
• Practice compassion. Imagine someone who may have wronged you and think of the state they must be in to stoop to that level. Send them good thoughts because nobody should be so miserable.
• Give yourself time to grieve or cry or kick something. Let it out. Then wipe your tears and come up with a plan. Tell yourself why it will be ok. Because I promise you, it will be ok.
• Find someone you trust to vent to about what’s bugging you and ask their opinion or perspective of the situation. Make sure to surround yourself with other positive people. Be aware that some people are joy suckers and some are joy givers. Make the givers your tribe.
• Laugh. Do what I do and go on Pinterest and look up funny memes or jokes. Watch a TV show at the end of the day that you know is funny, even the reruns. I could watch Friends over and over again and still always laugh. There is so much great humor out there and laughter being the best medicine is not just a saying.
• When you feel down, encourage someone else. Just like when you teach someone something, you reinforce your own learning of the subject, when you encourage someone else and give them kind, positive words, you hear them yourself and reinforce what you know to be true.
• Find a hobby and take the time to develop it. A distraction from the norm gives your brain a break from thinking of the stressors and creates euphoria from the endorphins that doing things we enjoy will give us.
• Read a book with positive vibes, quotes, inspiration, self help, etc. Then practice what it preaches.
• Use imagery. Imagine you have a force field, a bubble around you. Anything that comes your way negative each day will just bounce right off. It cannot even reach you to affect you and your mood.

My list could go on and on, but these can be major helpers on the road to changing your mind and becoming more resilient.

Now let’s take this into the holiday season. Let’s start by all agreeing that this year the holidays will not be the same as we have always had them. Now, let’s think about the ways in which that might be a good thing.

Do you have trouble enjoying the holiday season because it feels too rushed? Because you always have so many people to visit, so many events to attend? Not this year! SAVOR EVERY MOMENT! You have no choice, but to slow down. So do it! Watch movies, bake cookies, craft home made gifts, play games, make an entire darn gingerbread neighborhood! Enjoy doing whatever it is that will bring you and your family joy this year.

Have you always wanted to start a new tradition that can be passed down from you and your children to their children and for years to come? Now is the time to do it! You have time to think of something you’ve never done before or embellish on something you used to do as a kid or whatever it is that makes you smile.

Can’t rush out every evening to a kids activity or sport? How about using that time at home to read with your children? Even big kids like a good story. Maybe choose a classic or something new, a chapter book to last all season or, with littles, maybe a new book each night that goes along with the holiday you’re celebrating. You and your family could also start an advent calendar to open a door each night with a new activity planned. You could start writing a story together and continue it a little each night, giving everyone a chance to join in. Relatives socially distant or in another town or state? Use a video chat platform and involve everyone. At the end of the season, print the story out, have family members create illustrations, put it all together and keep it to read each year.

Bummed (like me) about not having a big holiday party? How about making it a point each day to reach out in some way to someone you would have had over? Catch up via call, text, or video chat. Missing your cookie swap? Do it anyways! Use video chat while baking and then wrap them up and spend the weekend delivering the goodies to the others involved and picking up your treats in return!

Did you stop sending cards because it was too time consuming? Use this time to send them once again, knowing that getting mail makes everyone feel good and smile!

Do crowded stores always bug you? Turn to small shops for gift cards to help keep them in business. Use time to shop around online for the bigger ticket items your children might be asking for and have it delivered or use the curbside pick up option many stores now offer.

Can’t hold your charity event? Do you always give to a charity or do something special? Consider an online event if you are fundraising. If you normally give and can again this year, then there are plenty of ways to do that. Search online for charities and ideas. Use the time you have to help others in whatever socially distant ways possible. Involve friends or family. Make it fun. Make it meaningful. Even something as simple as baking for local workers, essential employees, teachers, etc. makes a welcome gesture and spreads joy that we all can certainly use!

There are lists among lists on Google, Pinterest, etc. of fun ideas for the holidays. Access them! Keep a journal and suggest the kids do it too. In it, chronicle how this year you made the best of a situation that you couldn’t change. Focus on the new things you did or tried, on the new traditions you have found, on how it felt to savor every moment and to get to spend more time connecting with the people closest to you. As you make positive changes, your children will follow. It isn’t an instant gratification thing, this practice of building resiliency. Be patient. I have four kids. If mine whine any squeakier the palladium window on the front of the house will start to crack. I know how difficult it is to work on yourself. It’s even harder to change them. But, over time as they see your behavior change, they will too. Remember that somewhere in their brain, what they watch you do and hear you say really is sinking in and eventually you will notice. Consistency is key. We all have setbacks. Roll with it. Forgive yourself. We can’t always be 100% positive and cheery, but we can learn to work through those days and tougher times and come out on top.

I am chomping at the bit to get this place cleaned up so we can get to the decorations, baking, crafting, movie watching, and most of all snuggling. I know the kids will complain about something, especially the teenagers. I will smile and just keep the spirit of kindness and joy going throughout the house. I also might pour some wine because…well…teenagers.

Happy Holidays, my friends. Happy RESILIENT Holidays!

Mike passed away 17 years ago today. I think about him so much, all year round. Today got me thinking about some things I learned by having him as a big brother though. So here are some things that come to mind.

~ It doesn’t matter if you yell shotgun, it matters who gets there first.

~ It doesn’t matter if you are watching the TV. He will change it and then punch you if you tell mom.

~ He will always be the one that farted. It will be awful and he will try to make sure you are trapped.

~ His friends will pick on you too.

~ Your friends will all have crushes on his friends, but you’ll know better. Looks mean nothing when someone is sitting on you trying to steal your sandwich.

~ Van Halen is one of the best bands ever.

~ Laughter fixes everything. There is laughter out there that will hurt your belly and make you cry in a good way. Find those people. That’s your tribe.

~ Just take the teasing and then dole that crap right back.

~ Anal beads really are the BEST stocking stuffer.

~ Snakes suck.

~ A positive attitude is all you should ever throw at life. No matter what.

~ Playing any game is hilarious with the right people.

~ Riding out a hurricane and no power for 9 days is also the best with the right people.

~ There are people who can and will eat an entire loaf of pumpkin bread, especially if there is a threat of someone else eating some.

~ A box of devil dogs is really only 2 servings, sometimes 1.

~ When you win, rub it in.

~ Advil is good for a hangover.

~ Don’t walk in wet cement.

~ Losing weight is hard, but worth it.

~ Your dates will be threatened and tortured.

~ Don’t ever shack up with a member of the opposite sex in my mother’s house.

~ Exploring the world is important, but so is coming home.

~~~~~~ And, most importantly, ~~~~~~

~ A bond between a brother and sister can’t be broken by death. There will always be signs if you look for them.❤