1. It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you. Be yourself.

2. We are all bound to get hurt. It’s the comeback that matters. You work hard and you get back in the game.

3. Have fun!

4. Always find a clear path to where you need to be to reach your goal. When a clear path is not available, be willing to trample over any obstacles that block your way.

5. Teamwork makes any endeavor run more smoothly and the win is always better when you’re sharing it with your friends.

6. Use those with more experience as a resource. Don’t be afraid to listen and use direction mixed with what you already know in your heart and your soul.

7. Smile! Smile! Smile!

8. Be kind.

9. There is always time to make a difference in the life of a child, no matter how busy life or your job or anything else gets.

10. Follow your dreams and, when those dreams change, dont be afraid to follow a different path.

#87: Always in our hearts and, God willing, always shirtless…..❤🏈❤

I was trying to figure out what to title this entry. My dad’s anniversary of his death is this week. One year. That’s a tough one, especially when it has, without a doubt, been the most difficult year of my life. Now, more than ever, I need to dig deep. I need to pull out all those weapons in my arsenal. I need to remember all of those lessons my dad taught me, about life, survival, and grace. I also need to remember the strength. When I think of my dad and his life, I think of strength over everything. When I think of my Uncle, his brother, and of their ancestors, I just keep thinking of the strength. I am honoring my dad and his memory this year by remembering what he taught me about life and living, and about strength.

Always look on the positive side. Always. Hope is sometimes all that you have, but it will still get you through.

Laugh. Make a joke of everything and everyone. Laugh at yourself. Laugh especially when you know you’re being really dumb in your thoughts or actions.

Money is definitely not everything. It’s not something to obsess over. It’s not something to cry about. You go out there and do something you love and make some money. Keeping up with the Jones’s is stupid.

You are the only one who can truly make you happy. Make decisions based on that. You get to live your life. Everybody else and their opinions can screw off.

Help someone whenever you can. You might be all that they have.

Play cards. Sit the heck down. Teach the kids how to play rummy, cribbage, and good ole 45!

There is nothing like good music.

There are men who treat women like gold. Find one and take care of them in return.

When you live an honest life and do what you think is right, you don’t ever need to worry about your reputation. The people who won’t like you or come up with something negative about you are either jealous or just assholes. Neither of those are the people who you want as your friends anyways.

Choose your friends wisely and keep them.

Men won’t melt if they do the dishes.

Strength is inherited and I got that gene. It’s a strong one. We Portagees are made of some crazy shit.

After the bad stuff happens, you refocus on the good and make the most out of what you have.

Strong doesn’t mean you won’t have a bad day. It means that after the bad day, you get back up again and try even harder.

I picture my dad and see strength. I remember growing up wondering how he could be so strong after my brother dying, then years later my other brother dying. I watched him lose my mom and still be my rock. I watched him struggle in business and still make it work and succeed. I watched him struggle to breath and still be strong enough to keep going, every single day. I watched him show my kids how to be strong. I watched him constantly taking care of me even when he needed the help. I watched him die of COPD. I witnessed incredible strength when he couldn’t breathe, but just couldn’t let go.

I pray for that strength daily. But, I also know I already have it. It might not be my last name anymore, but I’m a Fernandes for Pete’s sake. Through and through. I’m Portuguese. I’m stubborn, I’m sexy, and, most of all, I’m strong. I am made of some damn good stuff and this year will be my best year yet. Thanks Dad.

Joan was pretty awesome. She always smiled. She was silly. She was quick to take care of all my friends. She was the best cook I have ever known. And, I was blessed to call her Mom. She has been in heaven since 2001, but I still miss her like she just left. I hold on tight to the lessons she taught me. Here are some of them.

Where there is an all-you-can-eat buffet, there is happiness.

There should always be chocolate cake.

Weighing in at Weight Watchers and losing a half a pound is worth measuring out the gross deli turkey.

Tab and Sweet n Low always come in handy in your purse.

If you get drunk Saturday night and pass out in the back of the van, you will wake up in the church parking lot Sunday morning because she will NOT miss mass.

You’re allowed to be upset about something and get a hug, but then life goes on and you move forward too.

Dogs are people too.

Puzzles are one of the best forms of relaxation, but if you want to put the last piece in, you need to steal it when nobody is looking.

Card games are competitive and winning and rubbing it in is an important life skill.

You do not want to say gonorrhea if you mean diarrhea.

Women are badass and strong, but still deserve a man to spoil them.

Putting up with idiots is best done with a smile on your face.

Some of the best traditions come in edible form.

If you’re fighting with your sibling, you’re on your own. Figure it out. Even if he is beating the snot out of you.

Jean Nate is one of the most comforting smells ever.

Drama is stupid. Tell it like it is and take life in stride.

Cousins are better than gold.

Parents having a night on the town, friends, and a social life besides their kids is ok!

There should always be a junk drawer.

Chicken and rice and tollhouse cookie squares will make everyone happy.

All food needs pepper.

Swearing is blasphemous (sorry mom).

Teaching is the most important profession there is, next to being a mom.

There’s always room for a little something sweet.

A mom won’t laugh at you when you break a bone, even when everyone else does.

Do your nails.

Don’t finish an entire box of devil dogs before the rest of the groceries are even put away.

Sing, even if you don’t sing great.

It’s ok to eat an entire bag of Pepperidge Farms cookies.

The more Aquanet the better.

It’s ok to live your life and enjoy it to the fullest after a loss.

Chew your food 26 times before you swallow.

Road trips are awesome when you have the right people.

The door is always open. Someone always needs an ear or a snack. Be there for them.

Christmas is awesome and magical!

Lots of angels celebrating up there this year. We better live it up for them down here! Missing my mom❤

I have been a huge fan of Christmas ever since I can remember. When I say huge fan, I mean I am one of those crazy people that you might (most likely) find listening to Christmas music in September. I start picking presents up in the summer and tucking them away. The wheels turn with me thinking about the fun surprises to plan for the kids and for my friends. As far as I’m concerned there are two seasons: Christmas and summer. I hate being cold, but I love the magic.

The holidays are hard for many people and I get that, especially this year. It’s my first Christmas without my dad. This makes it really difficult and sometimes quite emotional. My mom died on December 23rd 17 years ago and I still cry at mass every Christmas Eve. However, my mom is the biggest reason I love Christmas. She loved it too! We had so many traditions that we looked forward to and shared. I get to keep those and share them with my own children. That’s a blessing! At Christmas especially, I get to make those foods that give me the tastes and smells that bring me back to my childhood, to my family. I miss them so much! This is a way to have them again! This joyous season, when people get depressed and think about what they are missing or what they can’t do or buy, I am praying that you see the good! Believe in the magic! There are so many really hard life events, but there are also amazing ones! We can focus on the stories of horror and sorrow or we can choose the ones that exhibit kindness and joy! You choose!

We all need something to believe in. Our happiness, our attitudes are always up to us, our reactions, and how we choose to view any given situation. Last year, my 12 year old told me that some kids in her class don’t believe in Santa Claus. She asked me if I believed in Santa.

I explained it like this. We believe in God, even though we don’t see him. We can see the good around us. We can see everything that our faith has taught us that God has made. We talk to God daily (at least!) in this house. We believe in Him. St. Nicholas was a real person. He was a bishop and a defender of Jesus Christ. His status of bishop was taken away because of how violently he fought to defend Jesus being the King, the son of God. Later, he was reinstated as a Bishop because of how loved he was by the people. He came from a wealthy family. He found joy in giving and was well known for giving presents to children. This man’s legacy very clearly gives us our modern day right to believe in St. Nicholas or, Santa Claus.

After my explanation, my daughter agreed with me that she too believes.

So, this holiday season, amongst the lonely, the sad, the angry, dig deep to find the good, the hope, the joy. Help those who may have trouble seeing the magic of the season. Know that there is a reason for the season. People come together. We have heard that many times people come together in a tragedy. The holiday season is not a tragedy, yet we see the Giving Trees, the Toys for Tots drives, the volunteers at so very many places around the globe! We have neighbors bring treats. We gather with friends and family. We give gifts of our time, our heart, our joy. We see others do the same for us, our friends, and our families.

In a time of JOY, we all come together!! This is magical!! This is wonderful!! This is what I believe in!! Do you?

I know I still have quite a bit to learn and that we all have varying experiences and different knowledge to share. I am going to share 43 bits of knowledge I have learned through the years I have behind me. I am 42, but I’m a big believer in the “One to grow” thing. So, here is some (possibly useless) knowledge from Kelly, in no particular order.

1. Poop smell does not come off your hands right away no matter how many times you wash them. You are either a liar or practicing witchcraft if you say it does. Change a diaper or wipe your toddler and get some under your fingernails? Good luck! Wash your hands. Wash them three times. An hour later you’re eating some chips, you bring your hand up to your mouth to put one inside, and GUARANTEED you smell shit! Don’t tell me you don’t. Liar.

2. Everything is relative. Some people’s big stuff is not the same as others, but it can still hurt or be joyful depending on the person and the circumstances. Never discount someone’s pain and never be a joykill. We are leading different lives. It’s all important to someone, even if it’s not important to you.

3. Lazy sucks. Don’t be lazy. It gets you no where fast and it’s annoying to others.

4. Playdoh sucks. It gets in the rug. It gets hair in it. It gets dirt in it. It breaks apart and you find it everywhere for months. If you have kids you know what I mean. If you don’t mind it, then you aren’t the one cleaning up after your children. If you like someone at all, do not buy their kid playdoh for a gift. If you don’t like them, then knock yourself out. That’ll teach ’em!

5. It’s ok to sit still and not do stuff. I am working on this one. I envy people that give themselves a chance to sit and relax. Don’t beat yourself up the way I do when I give myself downtime.

6. EVERYTHING in moderation. Food, booze, exercise, a hobby, people….

7. Don’t do something for someone who doesn’t know how to do the task themselves unless you show them how they can do it next time. They may still need some help in the future, but you are arming them with a new skill. This is invaluable!

8. Never stop learning. Seek new skills. Seek new hobbies. You will feel badass. I promise.

9. Volunteer. There is nothing like putting your own shit in perspective by working with someone who needs you and teaches you about what is and is not important in life.

10. We all need help sometime. Help when you can. Ask for help and take the help when you need it.

11. Everyone is insecure about something. Remember this when you feel insecure. Think of how you would see yourself from the outside if you were a stranger. Odds are that nobody is focusing on you or your insecurities the way you think they are.

12. Eat what you want, but then burn it off. Nothing in life is free, including calories! Don’t go nuts eating crap, then you don’t need to go nuts burning it off.

13. On that same note, food is medicine. Good or bad. Value that shit.

14. Olive oil. If you want your kids to eat it (or just want it to be good in general), put olive oil on it. Cook everything with olive oil. Sautee any vegetable you can find in olive oil and add salt and pepper. I swear. Suddenly, they will fight over the brussel sprouts! No joke. Use the whole effing bottle if you need to. Oil and salt fix every.single.food. (Well maybe not cake or ice cream.)

15. If you use enough smelly body lotion, you can get away without a shower. But not for more than 2 days. Don’t do that. Then you’re just gross.

16. If you feel like crap, force yourself to shower. Then dress in something that is cute. Look in the mirror. You will not see someone who looks like shit. This may help you function for the day at least. This is especially true if you’re sad.

17. Don’t pity anyone. Ever. If someone is in unfortunate circumstances, and you are able to help them, then do it. If you can only offer support or words of encouragement and hope, then do it. Pity doesn’t get anyone anywhere.

18. Some people will always look for drama. Life is easier when those are not your people.

19. Bleach wipes. Buy them in bulk. Keep them everywhere.

20. Stay active. Never stop moving, no matter how slow. Move it or lose it is a true story!

21. Say Thank you. Nobody owes you a thing, not even common courtesy, unfortunately. Thank you goes a long way to reinforce doing the right thing.

22. Say Please. Why not? Again, a little goes a long way. Oh, and if you’re in a bad mood or feeling nasty, at least saying please will make you seem a bit sweeter.

23. When a kid asks you to read them a story, you have to say yes. It’s a rule. Or it should be. Everytime a child is read to, they are learning to read. Everytime a child is read to, they are relishing the attention. They are relaxing and so are you. And honestly, what does it take to read most kids books? 5 or 10 minutes, tops! Put your phone down. Stop folding laundry. Make that phone call in 10 minutes instead of now. Read the book.

24. You can’t possibly spoil a baby. Hug them. Love them. Kiss them. They need that shit. So do you.

25. NEVER wake a sleeping baby or toddler. NEVER. I don’t care if it keeps them up later. Waking them when they are asleep is like asking to see Satan. I would much rather have them lay in bed with me watching Disney Jr. while I sleep, if they are still awake at night, than have my entire afternoon or dinnertime and everything I need to do complete crap because the kid was grouchy.

26. Just say NO to slime! Tell them to leave that shit at school or camp or their friend’s houses! Slime is worse than playdoh! You will never think your saline solution will run out in 2 days until you let your kids make slime. You will buy gallon sized glue! The only time you should see gallon sized glue is in a school or daycare for Pete’s sake!! No Slime!

27. Go with your gut. If something doesn’t seem right, then it probably isn’t.

28. Pick your battles. You really don’t need to win them all. Sometimes you’ll just be dealing with an asshole and it’s better to walk away.

29. If you’re an exhausted parent, Wendy’s or McDonalds is a top notch meal for your kids. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

30. Popcorn can count as breakfast if you haven’t grocery shopped yet and the kids need to catch the bus. Hey, they’re fed, aren’t they?

31. Watch the sunset. Often. Watch the sunrise if you’re up that early cause that shits cool too.

32. Learn how to drive stick and write in cursive.

33. Keep your friends. Savor them. Be good to them. Someday they might be the only support you have left.

34. Listen to music, loud and often. Sing It! Turn that radio up! Get lost in a great song. It’s free therapy!

35. It’s perfectly acceptable to laugh at yourself. You’re going to do stupid stuff. We all do. Laugh it off and let it go. Trust me, someone, somewhere, is probably laughing at you right now.

36. Be nice to your mail carrier and sanitation engineer. They are there through all weather making sure we get taken care of, so smile and say “thank you”!

37. Travel. Often. Alot. Travel is by far the BEST way to spend your money (after the necessities of course, since you need to eat as well). I have seen 42 states and 4 countries and I am chomping at the bit to add to that list of places I’ve been. My children have already seen 27 states. It’s not as expensive as one would think. Plan it out or just jump in the car and go! The things that you think will drive you crazy will become some of the best memories you ever make. Like when Brody learned to pee in a bottle in the Jeep on 95 in New Jersey traffic while Hanna screamed about how it was so gross. Then he did it the rest of the trip so the baby wanted to try too. Well, one time he ended up peeing in Hanna’s face in New Orleans traffic. Good times, but I digress. Travel. Just go.

38. Join a team. The support and comraderie you will experience is unparalleled.

39. Get to know people. They will surprise you, for better or worse. People that come off as snobby, many times are just shy. People who seem sweet and nice, aren’t always trustworthy. Before you create an opinion about a person, learn a little first.

40. Get your butt outside! I love summer and could soak up sun and never get bored. Winter comes and I’m too freaking cold. I am still way happier though when I bundle up and get some fresh air. As humans we need nature. We need sun. We need fresh, outdoor air! So throw your long johns on and get some!!

41. Root for the home team. Nobody wants to hang with that annoying person talking crap about every one else’s favorite team. Unless you grew up in another state and bring that pride with you when you moved here, don’t go against the home team. Don’t be that person.

42. Celebrate your birthdays! Do it big! Have a birthday month! Screw the people that think you’re annoying! If you’re here on earth to live and breathe and get another year, LIVE IT UP!! Growing older is not something everyone gets to do. Too many people die too young. They didn’t get to live more years, but you do! Savor each and every one of them! Party like a rockstar! You deserve it baby!

43. Life changes in a heartbeat. Sometimes in good ways and sometimes in bad ones. LIVE!! Don’t ponder too long. Have fun!!!!! Do the things you want to do NOW. Be with the people that make your day brighter NOW!!!!! Savor every second and LOVE the shit out of your life!!!!!

Today I really didn’t do anything on my to do list. I am always going at a constant pace. If it seems like I never stop, it’s because I don’t. Even on the weekends, we don’t always just relax. Last weekend I decided to treat myself. By treating myself, I mean that I decided to clean MY bedroom. The toys scattered around my dresser do not belong to me. The overflowing baskets of laundry are not just my clothing. The 7 water bottles half full on my night stand are not mine. So, yes, this was a real treat for Mom. I don’t eat in my bedroom, yet the vacuum sucked up a moldy ear of corn and what I think was a half eaten donut. (Pictured below.)

So, today, I slacked.

I remember when I used to walk into the house and sit down. I would take a break and watch a little TV. Now, I need to do laundry, get dinner ready, or any number of other tasks. My children do help with chores, but for the most part it’s all on me. I spend quite a bit of time driving my children wherever they want to go as well. I bring them to soccer, football, hip-hop dance class, school activities, friends houses, and every place in between. On any given day if someone asks me what I have planned, there is usually an extremely long list. I rarely get to everything on the list, but I don’t stop until it’s bedtime. I know this isn’t good, but I do it anyway. I hate to procrastinate. I hate to know that there are things that I should be doing.

Over the last several months, life has been pretty upside down. Just when I thought I had a handle on raising four kids on my own after their dad died, we had another rug pulled out from underneath us when my dad died. Life has definitely been an adjustment again! I spent months cleaning out my father’s house. Thank God for the friends who helped me with that! It still took an emotional toll. I finally got rid of his car. I sold furniture of his and threw a lot of things away.

I sold the house a week ago. Perhaps it’s just hitting me that I’ve experienced that closure. Perhaps it’s the nasty rain that this day brought. But I am tired. I am not just physically tired, but emotionally and mentally drained. So, today I did not check things off my to-do list. Today, after I played with the preschoolers at my son’s school and then taught my pound class at the gym, I slacked off. I hate to admit it, but I did. Before I went to the gym, I had plans to run 2 miles and do some extra ab work after my pound class. After all, two weeks ago I committed to losing the 20 pounds I gained over the last 3 years. I’ve already lost five and been really working hard for that accomplishment. When I left the gym I still had plans in my head to go home and run on my treadmill and do that ab work. I decided to stop for a coffee. Next door to the coffee shop is a new, cute, little boutique. It is filled with unique gifts. It’s a place that I wanted to check out for a couple of months. I decided to take a look. I didn’t buy anything, but it was nice to take a breath, stop, and just take my time. Then I grabbed my coffee and headed back home. When I got home, I chatted a little bit with my daughters. They are now back to homeschooling. (So, yeah, that’s been an adjustment as well.) I treated myself to sitting down and eating lunch. Most people do that every day, but it’s really a treat for me. Usually I’m out of the door with a smoothie or grabbing some kind of bar while multi-tasking in the house. After that, I decided that I deserve to shower. (Selfish, right?) I forgot all about that two mile run and that extra ab work. I took a really nice, hot shower. I took my time. I noticed the sun was coming out. Then, I also noticed that it was already time to pick up my boys from school. Once they come home, usually a few more things get done around the house. I usually throw in more laundry or clean up the kitchen or whatever else it is that I could be doing. But today I decided not to. We hadn’t seen each other all day. They had stories to tell me and I had lots of snuggles to give them. I still hadn’t sat on the couch. I’m pretty sure that when you slack off you’re supposed to do that. I already succumbed to slacking off today. I need to make sure I do it right.

I have caught my breath now. I need to feed them, but I think leftovers are in order for tonight. I probably should fold some of that laundry after dinner…

Nope! Checked the movie listings instead. Looks like Friday night movie night for us!! I could really get used to this relaxing stuff…

Yeah, you and I both know that won’t happen!!

Now, seriously….a donut?!?!?!

I was blessed to grow up with my brother. He was about 4 years older than me. He teased me. He punched me to get the remote control or the last devil dog. His friends stole my food too, sitting on me and making me watch them eat the sandwich I had just made. He was loud. When it was the two of us and my parents, I couldn’t get a word in no matter how hard I tried. He would sit and read the magazines with cars for sale and make us all listen. That annoyed the crap out of me. I remember when he shut the door of the Dodge Caravan on my fingers.

It was definitely a joy to have him as my brother. It was a joy because this is the stuff that siblings do to each other! They also teach us. Having Mike as my older brother taught me how to get along with others, no matter how they treated me. It taught me how to stand up for myself. It taught me that, even when you know you did nothing wrong, someone will probably always think you did. It taught me that there was someone looking out for me even when I didn’t know it. It taught me that you can fight with someone and still love them more than anything in the world.

My brother was taken too early. He was only with us for 31 years. In that time, he left his mark. That’s for sure. He was kind, smart, handsome, generous, and above all else funny as heck.

Tonight I heard my girls upstairs making way too much noise considering that their brothers were sleeping. At first, I asked them to quiet down. Then, I let it go. I let it go and listened. I listened to the silly giggles that turned into outright snorting. I thought about how precious it is to have a sibling, right there with you, laughing with you, sharing a joke, a bond. Those girls fight SO MUCH. They also laugh. They get along. They are best friends. I am pretty certain they don’t yet know that they are each other’s best friend, but someday I have hope they will. I cherish every stupid memory I have of my brother.

31 years goes by in flash. The 15 years today that he has been gone seems like a whole different lifetime. I may have gotten cut short on the sibling stuff, but I now get to see my 4 children fight like crazy, but then also know EXACTLY how to make each other laugh. That’s definitely the good stuff. Cherish that my friends, cherish that.

I LOVE beach days. I always have, my entire life. All I’ve ever needed to make me happy was some sun, salt, and sand. I remember it being the most simple pleasures, those days at the beach. As this summer comes to a close, I’m reflecting on my summer days versus those of my children.

We bring alot of crap to the beach. 13 beach chairs, 23 different bags of snacks, 9 inflatables, 15 noodles, 43 towels (that I’m going to be the one to wash), and 652 juice boxes. First of all, the chairs mostly do not get used, but the one day I just bring my own, every kid will scream and fight over sitting in mine and whine incessantly about why I didn’t bring their chairs too. I bring plain potato chips, bbq chips, dill pickle chips, popcorn, cheetos, and tortilla chips. Know what happens? Someone asks why I didn’t bring the pretzels. Every.single.time. I bring water, fruit punch, pink lemonade, and grape juice. Someone wants the apple juice! I remember jumping on my bike and wrapping my towel around my shoulders when I was a kid! That’s all I needed! When I was hungry, I rode my ass home and got myself a fluffernutter and went back down. I wonder if my own children would implode if I tried this with them?

I have implemented the “you want it, you carry it rule”. That has led to none of them wanting anything. So, I pack as much as I can fit on the old stroller (my own ghetto version of a beach buggy) and I roll it down to the beach. I do all the work except for carry their whining little bodies. I grab the football, soccer ball, volleyball, floating ball. When we get to the beach they whine that they have nothing to do!

Ah, yes… there’s another thing! These poor, deprived children that spend nearly every summer day on the beach have nothing to do! Perhaps some kid land locked in Nebraska would want to trade places with these kids?!? Complaining about going to the beach, as far as I’m concerned, is as stupid as complaining that you have too much money or that the portion size at a restaurant is too huge! Come the eff on now! Seriously! Next time I’m over at the cabana bar having a drink, I’m going to complain that the mudslide is just too good. Oh, and the sand is too soft on my feet. The shirtless men are too good looking. My friends are too nice. Yada yada yada…

I’ll start tomorrow, on Labor Day, putting out a large jar on the table for my ungrateful kids and their ungrateful friends. Whenever they complain or whine, they need to put money in the jar.

Next summer, I’ll use it to buy peanut butter, fluff, and bread and spend the rest on my mudslides.

A Letter to Bobby from this side of the clouds.

Dear Bobby,

Thursday, the 17th of May, it will be 3 years since you’ve been gone. That thought has caused this horrible choking feeling in me, as it always does a week or 2 before your anniversary. I’ve been thinking alot these past few months of “our song”. “Bent” by Matchbox Twenty probably seems strange to most people, but it was perfect then and still is now.

“If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off. And if I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk.”

A lot of falling and picking up was done in our marriage over the years, as is the case with marriage. Since you got too tired to make it, I have been your breath here on Earth. I give my life to our four gorgeous children and through them, you still walk. We tell stories and look at pictures and make sure that you are remembered, that you live on.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy. In fact, I’m falling along the way sometimes and I need you to pick me up and dust me off in whatever way you can from heaven. I don’t ever want to become jaded like the song says. I know life is too good and so are people. Our kids need to know how great life and this world are, and I need to be the one to show them.

I remember saying that year two without you was harder than year one. Year one was filled with shock and loads of help and understanding from people. Year two, most people think the worst is over and you must be ok so they aren’t around as much to help. They don’t realize this is when you truly are feeling thrown to the wolves. Trying to adjust still to doing it all and being it all for the kids is a big job. I’m proud of how we are all doing. I’m proud of myself. But it’s still hard. I guess the third year without you had been extra tough because we lost my dad. The kids really relied on him, even more than ever since you’ve been gone. And so did I. But this past year has been filled with some great things and amazing memories too.

Last summer I decided to use some of our memorial fund to create a memory the kids and I could never forget. I packed them up in the Suburban and we took off for a road trip. 4000 miles and 18 states in 18 days, just the kids and me. And why the heck not? We only have this one life and I am damn well certain to make it a great one! Our kids have now seen 25 out of 50 states! I think that’s pretty cool.

Maddy is 4 now. He is a stubborn little bugger, just like a male version of Hanna. He wants to do everything himself. He just learned to ride his bike without training wheels so he can be like the big kids! He only eats chicken fingers and Mac n cheese. He loves to workout with his mama. Oh, and he climbs in bed with me usually right before the sun comes up and snuggles me then falls back asleep. I love that. Reminds me of how blessed we truly are!

Brody still misses the heck out of you on a regular basis. He needs positive male role models in his life. We have been blessed with some amazing men as football coaches for him. I am so grateful for that. We also have made wonderful friends through school that have been nothing less than a Godsend. This summer Brody will get to go fishing finally more than we have been able to. He absolutely loves fishing. He tells me he knows you are there when we fish. He went to school this year and I couldn’t be more proud. He has awesome friends and he is really becoming a responsible young man.

Hanna is still as emotional and feisty as they come. She has a mind of her own as always. She is a force to be reckoned with, our little Hurricane Hanna. She decided she loves to run with me. It makes me so happy. It’s such a challenge to find time to spend alone with each child and they need it. This gives her and I an opportunity to have that time. She did gymnastics this year. She did awesome. I love how flexible she is and how she wants to try so many different things. She is so unique. She is a wonderful artist too! We have really discovered that this year. Very cool to see someone inherit my parents great talent!

Joni is 13 next month. Need I say more? I love that kid more than she will ever know, but boy does she push buttons! She played soccer and basketball this year and loved them both. She loves sports and her friends. She has definitely been blessed; her best friends are a true gift from God. I couldn’t ask for better kids to be hanging around our house. I have a blast when they are all over. She is also becoming more gorgeous than ever and starting to fit into my clothes and shoes. I’m not sure whether or not this is good. I mean, if she fits in mine, I could technically fit in hers? Haha.

I feel overwhelmed and like a hot mess most days. I fly by the seat of my pants. I do the best I can and try to cut myself slack, but those that know me well know I am pretty hard on myself. I started teaching Pound. Best. Thing. Ever. I get to hit and it’s legal! I love bringing it to others. We all need a good stress release.

I know that I am “bent” right now. I’m sure that I always will be in some way. We all are. But unlike the song, I know that my pieces will be put back together again. As my favorite line in the song says, ” when my smile gets old and faded, wait around I’ll smile again.”

We miss you RPG. A whole lot. ❤

Mostly I like to write with humor. I seem to find humor in nearly every situation and I think that’s definitely a good thing. There are some situations where it is harder than others. This entry is not one of the funny ones. It’s just some real life. I am not writing this for pity. Those who know me well know that it is not my style. I am very much someone who tries to always pull myself up and out of lifes bullshit and move on with hope. I am doing that every. single. day. I think I feel the need to write this entry more for understanding. I am not even sure that others will really, truly understand and it doesn’t really matter. I guess maybe it would just get it off of my chest or be “part of the healing process”. I think we all have situations that hit us and, if we are to be successful human beings, we need to heal in whatever form that may take.

I lost my dad 3 months ago. Writing this made me think about how long it has been. It’s shocking to me that its been 3 months. It seems more like 3 weeks maybe. Besides my kids, he was what I had left. Now, I do NOT discount my amazing friends in the least and they know that. I love them and they help me and get me through each day with sometimes venting and sometimes, most times, laughter. But not having immediate family is hard. That’s just a fact. I lost my mom when I was 25. I felt so lost. Your parents are responsible for your identity. You rely on them for so much, at least in my case I did. I know I am lucky for all that I did have with my mom, but greedily, obviously, I wish I had more. She wasn’t there when I got married or had babies. That was hard. But, guess who was there? My dad. And guess who amazingly did all he could to comfort me, help with baby advice, and listen to me, and make me smile? My dad. Two years after my mom died, my brother passed away. He was 4 years older than me and, after growing up with the normal sibling rivalries, we were just starting to become friends. Losing him came so soon after losing my mom, that I’m still not sure I ever grieved properly (as if there is a proper way!). My dad and I had each other. I am sure that for him losing a son was gut wrenching and much harder than losing a sibling, no matter how much it hurt me. He was still my dad and he was still there to pick up the pieces and give me strength and hope.

Almost 3 years ago, I lost my husband to cancer, leaving me to raise 4 youmg children on my own including the youngest at only 18 months old. And guess who was there for me? My dad. In every way, shape, and form that man was there for me. He did more than I could ever have asked for me and my kids. The relationship he had with my children was untouchable, just so damn special. It was almost as special as the relationship he had with me. My dad was my sounding board, my comedian, my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, sometimes my punching bag, and always my best friend. I always felt that all would be ok. He made it so. He gave me hope and brought peace to my crazy, single mom life. He drove my kids to activities so I could cook us all dinner. He brought them to school in the morning so I didn’t have to wake the baby. He called me a million times a day or I called him. It was just normal. Everytime the kids said something cute, I called him. When they pissed me off, I called him. He went around my house and if something were wrong and he couldn’t fix it, he would call someone who could before I could blink. He saw problems before I knew there could be a problem and he would make sure there wasn’t. As his health deteriorated, I watched carefully when he played with the kids, taking pictures in my head, knowing it wouldn’t last forever. It truly is amazing how much this man spoiled me, but I always knew he was a generous, amazing man and I would like to think that I never took that for granted. Through all of my losses, our losses, I had him. We had each other. Even the times I felt lonely after losing my husband, I was never truly alone because I knew I still had my dad. Then he passed away.

I had never felt this feeling before and it bugged me that I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what I have felt. Then, I figured it out.

Have you ever been away from home? I don’t mean on vacation either. I mean college, bootcamp, or moving to another state? In 1996, I went away from home to Colorado for Up With People. That was the longest amount of time I would face away from my family and friends and what I knew as familiar. It was this lost, lonely feeling. It was true homesickness. Being homesick then was hard, but I could call home and I knew I would get visits from my family and that I would return home. I had that longing for them, that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just wanted to hug them and not let go and they were miles and states away. It made my heart break at times, but I would pick up the phone and hear their voices and I would start counting down til their next visit or my days back home. It would be ok. I would hug them again, see them, hear their voices. That empty feeling, that horrible feeling of homesick in the pit of your stomach, thats what I’ve got now. Only now, I can never “go back home”. The only visits are through pictures, stories, dreams, and my medium friends. That homesickness is something I know I need to learn to live with and I know I will. I am too strong not to. I have my mom and dad in me. I have 4 amazing kids. I do truly love life. I know I am blessed. This all gets me through, but it will take time.

I am also now left with truly raising 4 kids as a single mom. My dad never left me feeling that way. Like I said, he spoiled me. I am at a point in my life where 4 kids need my attention, my house needs my attention, the cars need my attention, my fathers estate needs my attention, bills need my attention, cleaning out two houses needs my attention, trying to get back out into the work world to better my family’s financial situation and for my sanity needs my attention, taking online courses needs my attention, carving out time to take a breath needs my attention. I am wearing too many hats for one person and I know it. Not sure others realize this and that doesn’t matter to me, as long as they don’t ask me to do something and wonder why it takes me so long to get to it.

I am spent. I am lonely. My head is spinning. My world is upside down. And, most of all, I miss my dad with all my heart.

So, if I don’t seem like myself lately, please remember this isn’t the usual me. This isn’t who I want to be and I won’t stay here and I am not wallowing. It’s just alot and I need time. I am chipping away, I know that. I will be me again, and soon. I am sure of it. In fact, like every time I have come out of the storm, I have hope that I will be an even better version of myself. If I can help anyone have hope in their own struggles, then mine have been blessings.