I LOVE beach days. I always have, my entire life. All I’ve ever needed to make me happy was some sun, salt, and sand. I remember it being the most simple pleasures, those days at the beach. As this summer comes to a close, I’m reflecting on my summer days versus those of my children.

We bring alot of crap to the beach. 13 beach chairs, 23 different bags of snacks, 9 inflatables, 15 noodles, 43 towels (that I’m going to be the one to wash), and 652 juice boxes. First of all, the chairs mostly do not get used, but the one day I just bring my own, every kid will scream and fight over sitting in mine and whine incessantly about why I didn’t bring their chairs too. I bring plain potato chips, bbq chips, dill pickle chips, popcorn, cheetos, and tortilla chips. Know what happens? Someone asks why I didn’t bring the pretzels. Every.single.time. I bring water, fruit punch, pink lemonade, and grape juice. Someone wants the apple juice! I remember jumping on my bike and wrapping my towel around my shoulders when I was a kid! That’s all I needed! When I was hungry, I rode my ass home and got myself a fluffernutter and went back down. I wonder if my own children would implode if I tried this with them?

I have implemented the “you want it, you carry it rule”. That has led to none of them wanting anything. So, I pack as much as I can fit on the old stroller (my own ghetto version of a beach buggy) and I roll it down to the beach. I do all the work except for carry their whining little bodies. I grab the football, soccer ball, volleyball, floating ball. When we get to the beach they whine that they have nothing to do!

Ah, yes… there’s another thing! These poor, deprived children that spend nearly every summer day on the beach have nothing to do! Perhaps some kid land locked in Nebraska would want to trade places with these kids?!? Complaining about going to the beach, as far as I’m concerned, is as stupid as complaining that you have too much money or that the portion size at a restaurant is too huge! Come the eff on now! Seriously! Next time I’m over at the cabana bar having a drink, I’m going to complain that the mudslide is just too good. Oh, and the sand is too soft on my feet. The shirtless men are too good looking. My friends are too nice. Yada yada yada…

I’ll start tomorrow, on Labor Day, putting out a large jar on the table for my ungrateful kids and their ungrateful friends. Whenever they complain or whine, they need to put money in the jar.

Next summer, I’ll use it to buy peanut butter, fluff, and bread and spend the rest on my mudslides.

A Letter to Bobby from this side of the clouds.

Dear Bobby,

Thursday, the 17th of May, it will be 3 years since you’ve been gone. That thought has caused this horrible choking feeling in me, as it always does a week or 2 before your anniversary. I’ve been thinking alot these past few months of “our song”. “Bent” by Matchbox Twenty probably seems strange to most people, but it was perfect then and still is now.

“If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off. And if I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk.”

A lot of falling and picking up was done in our marriage over the years, as is the case with marriage. Since you got too tired to make it, I have been your breath here on Earth. I give my life to our four gorgeous children and through them, you still walk. We tell stories and look at pictures and make sure that you are remembered, that you live on.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy. In fact, I’m falling along the way sometimes and I need you to pick me up and dust me off in whatever way you can from heaven. I don’t ever want to become jaded like the song says. I know life is too good and so are people. Our kids need to know how great life and this world are, and I need to be the one to show them.

I remember saying that year two without you was harder than year one. Year one was filled with shock and loads of help and understanding from people. Year two, most people think the worst is over and you must be ok so they aren’t around as much to help. They don’t realize this is when you truly are feeling thrown to the wolves. Trying to adjust still to doing it all and being it all for the kids is a big job. I’m proud of how we are all doing. I’m proud of myself. But it’s still hard. I guess the third year without you had been extra tough because we lost my dad. The kids really relied on him, even more than ever since you’ve been gone. And so did I. But this past year has been filled with some great things and amazing memories too.

Last summer I decided to use some of our memorial fund to create a memory the kids and I could never forget. I packed them up in the Suburban and we took off for a road trip. 4000 miles and 18 states in 18 days, just the kids and me. And why the heck not? We only have this one life and I am damn well certain to make it a great one! Our kids have now seen 25 out of 50 states! I think that’s pretty cool.

Maddy is 4 now. He is a stubborn little bugger, just like a male version of Hanna. He wants to do everything himself. He just learned to ride his bike without training wheels so he can be like the big kids! He only eats chicken fingers and Mac n cheese. He loves to workout with his mama. Oh, and he climbs in bed with me usually right before the sun comes up and snuggles me then falls back asleep. I love that. Reminds me of how blessed we truly are!

Brody still misses the heck out of you on a regular basis. He needs positive male role models in his life. We have been blessed with some amazing men as football coaches for him. I am so grateful for that. We also have made wonderful friends through school that have been nothing less than a Godsend. This summer Brody will get to go fishing finally more than we have been able to. He absolutely loves fishing. He tells me he knows you are there when we fish. He went to school this year and I couldn’t be more proud. He has awesome friends and he is really becoming a responsible young man.

Hanna is still as emotional and feisty as they come. She has a mind of her own as always. She is a force to be reckoned with, our little Hurricane Hanna. She decided she loves to run with me. It makes me so happy. It’s such a challenge to find time to spend alone with each child and they need it. This gives her and I an opportunity to have that time. She did gymnastics this year. She did awesome. I love how flexible she is and how she wants to try so many different things. She is so unique. She is a wonderful artist too! We have really discovered that this year. Very cool to see someone inherit my parents great talent!

Joni is 13 next month. Need I say more? I love that kid more than she will ever know, but boy does she push buttons! She played soccer and basketball this year and loved them both. She loves sports and her friends. She has definitely been blessed; her best friends are a true gift from God. I couldn’t ask for better kids to be hanging around our house. I have a blast when they are all over. She is also becoming more gorgeous than ever and starting to fit into my clothes and shoes. I’m not sure whether or not this is good. I mean, if she fits in mine, I could technically fit in hers? Haha.

I feel overwhelmed and like a hot mess most days. I fly by the seat of my pants. I do the best I can and try to cut myself slack, but those that know me well know I am pretty hard on myself. I started teaching Pound. Best. Thing. Ever. I get to hit and it’s legal! I love bringing it to others. We all need a good stress release.

I know that I am “bent” right now. I’m sure that I always will be in some way. We all are. But unlike the song, I know that my pieces will be put back together again. As my favorite line in the song says, ” when my smile gets old and faded, wait around I’ll smile again.”

We miss you RPG. A whole lot. ❤

Mostly I like to write with humor. I seem to find humor in nearly every situation and I think that’s definitely a good thing. There are some situations where it is harder than others. This entry is not one of the funny ones. It’s just some real life. I am not writing this for pity. Those who know me well know that it is not my style. I am very much someone who tries to always pull myself up and out of lifes bullshit and move on with hope. I am doing that every. single. day. I think I feel the need to write this entry more for understanding. I am not even sure that others will really, truly understand and it doesn’t really matter. I guess maybe it would just get it off of my chest or be “part of the healing process”. I think we all have situations that hit us and, if we are to be successful human beings, we need to heal in whatever form that may take.

I lost my dad 3 months ago. Writing this made me think about how long it has been. It’s shocking to me that its been 3 months. It seems more like 3 weeks maybe. Besides my kids, he was what I had left. Now, I do NOT discount my amazing friends in the least and they know that. I love them and they help me and get me through each day with sometimes venting and sometimes, most times, laughter. But not having immediate family is hard. That’s just a fact. I lost my mom when I was 25. I felt so lost. Your parents are responsible for your identity. You rely on them for so much, at least in my case I did. I know I am lucky for all that I did have with my mom, but greedily, obviously, I wish I had more. She wasn’t there when I got married or had babies. That was hard. But, guess who was there? My dad. And guess who amazingly did all he could to comfort me, help with baby advice, and listen to me, and make me smile? My dad. Two years after my mom died, my brother passed away. He was 4 years older than me and, after growing up with the normal sibling rivalries, we were just starting to become friends. Losing him came so soon after losing my mom, that I’m still not sure I ever grieved properly (as if there is a proper way!). My dad and I had each other. I am sure that for him losing a son was gut wrenching and much harder than losing a sibling, no matter how much it hurt me. He was still my dad and he was still there to pick up the pieces and give me strength and hope.

Almost 3 years ago, I lost my husband to cancer, leaving me to raise 4 youmg children on my own including the youngest at only 18 months old. And guess who was there for me? My dad. In every way, shape, and form that man was there for me. He did more than I could ever have asked for me and my kids. The relationship he had with my children was untouchable, just so damn special. It was almost as special as the relationship he had with me. My dad was my sounding board, my comedian, my biggest cheerleader, my confidant, sometimes my punching bag, and always my best friend. I always felt that all would be ok. He made it so. He gave me hope and brought peace to my crazy, single mom life. He drove my kids to activities so I could cook us all dinner. He brought them to school in the morning so I didn’t have to wake the baby. He called me a million times a day or I called him. It was just normal. Everytime the kids said something cute, I called him. When they pissed me off, I called him. He went around my house and if something were wrong and he couldn’t fix it, he would call someone who could before I could blink. He saw problems before I knew there could be a problem and he would make sure there wasn’t. As his health deteriorated, I watched carefully when he played with the kids, taking pictures in my head, knowing it wouldn’t last forever. It truly is amazing how much this man spoiled me, but I always knew he was a generous, amazing man and I would like to think that I never took that for granted. Through all of my losses, our losses, I had him. We had each other. Even the times I felt lonely after losing my husband, I was never truly alone because I knew I still had my dad. Then he passed away.

I had never felt this feeling before and it bugged me that I couldn’t pinpoint exactly what I have felt. Then, I figured it out.

Have you ever been away from home? I don’t mean on vacation either. I mean college, bootcamp, or moving to another state? In 1996, I went away from home to Colorado for Up With People. That was the longest amount of time I would face away from my family and friends and what I knew as familiar. It was this lost, lonely feeling. It was true homesickness. Being homesick then was hard, but I could call home and I knew I would get visits from my family and that I would return home. I had that longing for them, that feeling in the pit of my stomach. I just wanted to hug them and not let go and they were miles and states away. It made my heart break at times, but I would pick up the phone and hear their voices and I would start counting down til their next visit or my days back home. It would be ok. I would hug them again, see them, hear their voices. That empty feeling, that horrible feeling of homesick in the pit of your stomach, thats what I’ve got now. Only now, I can never “go back home”. The only visits are through pictures, stories, dreams, and my medium friends. That homesickness is something I know I need to learn to live with and I know I will. I am too strong not to. I have my mom and dad in me. I have 4 amazing kids. I do truly love life. I know I am blessed. This all gets me through, but it will take time.

I am also now left with truly raising 4 kids as a single mom. My dad never left me feeling that way. Like I said, he spoiled me. I am at a point in my life where 4 kids need my attention, my house needs my attention, the cars need my attention, my fathers estate needs my attention, bills need my attention, cleaning out two houses needs my attention, trying to get back out into the work world to better my family’s financial situation and for my sanity needs my attention, taking online courses needs my attention, carving out time to take a breath needs my attention. I am wearing too many hats for one person and I know it. Not sure others realize this and that doesn’t matter to me, as long as they don’t ask me to do something and wonder why it takes me so long to get to it.

I am spent. I am lonely. My head is spinning. My world is upside down. And, most of all, I miss my dad with all my heart.

So, if I don’t seem like myself lately, please remember this isn’t the usual me. This isn’t who I want to be and I won’t stay here and I am not wallowing. It’s just alot and I need time. I am chipping away, I know that. I will be me again, and soon. I am sure of it. In fact, like every time I have come out of the storm, I have hope that I will be an even better version of myself. If I can help anyone have hope in their own struggles, then mine have been blessings.

My kids are givers. Total givers. Yours are too, right? These sweet little cherubs just do the sweetest things to test Mommy’s limits, to see just how close I can get to crazy. Here is a short list of some of the things they do that I just love…

1. Never flushing the toilet. We have two bathrooms. Every single time I need to pee or shower or I’m just putting some towels away, I get to flush a toilet! I know how much fun it is to push that little handle. My kids are sweet to think of me and let me always be the one who gets a turn! Sometimes I even get to smell it and need to spray the button on the air freshener! I just love buttons! I especially love when they have all gone over and over again and left it for me, like a big fluffy nest of toilet paper. Its nearly like staring at the big, beautiful sky filled with soft clouds, except on a blanket of s*** instead of sky. So sweet.. Oh! And don’t forget, thats when it usually gets clogged too! I LOVE working a plunger and I have become SO good at it. I need to remember to add that to my resume now that I think about it.

2. Food in the sink. We have no garbage disposal. I love how my kids make sure they always leave a little something (or alot) on their plates, especially since it is nearly impossible for me to get to the dishes every day. I believe they are so concerned about the mice and ants and fruit flies, seeing as they were an issue this past year. I apparently have been inhumane in trying to kill them or make them stop coming. Much nicer to feed them and all live in harmony! When I do get to the dishes, my kids know I always enjoy a good challenge. I love the caked on food. That makes scrubbing fun. Oh, and that time I paid a plumber nearly 300 bucks because the tub and the kitchen sink were clogged and it all needed to be snaked and he showed me 16 plastic straws that had somehow gone down the kitchen sink drain…well that was super fun!!!!! Who knew disposable straws cost so much?? What a treat though for the kids and I to learn about recycling in such a nice way. Yes, I love my givers…

3. Laundry. Not sure if your kids are as sweet as mine, but my kids do know how much I love exercise. They make sure to put their dirty clothes right NEXT TO the laundry bins on the floor. This way I always need to bend and reach to pick them up! I have been working on my bikini bod for the summer. So sweet!! Oh, and when I have no towel after a shower, but there are 13 dirty ones on my daughter’s bedroom floor, well thats just perfect! I heard that air drying is much better for the skin anyways. Or if I manage to find and use a face cloth and its nice and wet afterwards, I could just reuse it to wash the baby’s face and really be saving the environment in just so many ways! My children really do care about nature.

4. My girls “borrow” my things. Who doesn’t LOVE running late and looking for their hairbrush, but not finding it ANYWHERE because their 12 year old put it in her backpack and took it to school? Come on now! You know you all raised your hands! The other day it was a total treat when I walked around the house for 10 minutes with no pants on because the same 12 year old was wearing the ones I was looking for and wouldn’t answer when I asked if anyone had seen them. She knows I just love a good mystery!

5. Leaving trash all over the house. If I ever need to wear an orange vest and carry a stick, I will have that s*** mastered! Under the couch is the best. I mean, since you don’t really look there every single day, that stuff can really add up and fester. It can be an entire hour of community service practice! Oh and again, I love when the trash is on the floor right next to the trash can. Mama’s workin’ those abs, baby!

These kids really do care about my health. All this extra exercise will really pay off. I love how they give me all these extra reasons to sweat! Just wait til you see me on the beach this summer! We will be the family with no towels, surrounded by trash, and leaving all the food around for the sweet, beautiful seagulls that we all just love so much!

My dad passed away this week. He was 78 years young. Even though you see someone you love in poor health, and even though you know they will soon not be here, it still hits like a throat punch. Takes my breath away to think about it. I was blessed and need to share what I wrote to honor his memory.

Everyone who knew my dad, knew he was special. Ive gotten messages and phone calls left and right about what an amazing, kind, generous, great man my dad was. Thank you so much for that! Our family has been through a tremendous amount of loss, as you know, some before I was even born. My dad was my backbone and the backbone of our family through it all. He has been my source for laughs and support and hugs and venting for my entire life. He truly was, and always will be, my best friend. Thinking about days without him makes me choke. So I don’t. I know he is another angel and will always be with me and with all of my children. I cannot get too sad. That wasn’t my dad. It wasn’t what he wanted. I want us all to remember him and smile. Here are some best thoughts and memories I personally have and also some from his family and friends that I wanted to share.

I happened to ask 3 people in a row…2 cousins and a friend what sticks out when they think of my dad. All of them said, “The Grand National and how damn fast he drove!” He loved that car! I remember he got it because it was one of the fastest cars in the nation. That fact was so lost on me, but not on my guy friends at THS. Whenever my dad let me take his car, I would be bombarded with pleading from them begging to get a chance to drive it. I am proud to say that I never let them! My dad would have killed me and that car would surely have been done in the hands of a teenage boy!

My dad gave us our first taste of a global education. As president of the Taunton Rotary Club, he brought Up With People to Taunton. We got to meet people from all over the world. This gave us a desire to learn more about other places and people and ways of life. He was in charge of several exchange programs throughout the years as well. Through these exchanges, I still have some wonderful friends. Thanks to him and my mom both, we were taught that we are part of a community larger than ourselves. We were taught to be understanding, non judgemental, and kind. My father truly did treat the janitor the same as the CEO. At the furniture store, I have been told, that when you walked in there and couldn’t afford what you needed, you still took it home with the promise that you would come back each week and pay a little down. Many people have told me that it was the only way they ever would have been able to afford their first new bedroom or dining room sets. That was a special thing, that trust and faith that my father always kept in people.

My dad loved music and all kinds. He took me to my first concert. I was in 7th grade and got to see Bon Jovi and Skid Row! He took my friends and I to see SO MANY CONCERTS. Pretty sure he saw New Kids on The Block at least a dozen times…. not sure it was really his favorite singing group though. Years later, he was the chauffeur for my kids for school and activities. I always felt bad asking him to bring them somewhere or to pick them up, but he would insist. I soon learned that he loved that time together with them and so did they. My dad was way cooler than me, letting them listen to whatever they wanted on the radio. Eventually, their music grew on him and he ended up sometimes telling me I should be listening myself! My kids tell me thats one thing they will remember the most. Those car rides. He would spoil them with Starbucks or Dunkin or whatever else they asked for, and they knew I would have said no. My kids’ friends all knew Pubby well too. He picked them all up at one time or another and he was always likely to be at the house when friends were over. He loved people. He took care of his friends, then my friends, and then was doing the best he could to take care of his grandkids friends too. Thats just the kind of man he was.

He was also patient. He let my friends and I get away with just about anything we wanted. He had plenty of times that he could have told them all to go home, but instead, he was more likely the one pulling out the deck of cards. And sometimes he would let us do things and get away with them as long as we promised not to tell my mother.

Speaking of Joan… A few weeks ago, my dad and I talked about him dying. It did break my heart. But I held his hand and I told him that it will never be okay for him pass away because I want to hold onto him forever, but he had his brother, his 2 boys, and one heck of a gorgeous woman waiting for him. I told him that when the moment came for that reunion, I was sure i’d be seeing fireworks in the sky.

I love hearing all the wonderful things that people are telling me about him. I love that people have told me that they feel lucky and blessed to have known such a man. I am the lucky one though. That’s my dad you are talking about and I got to have him for 41 years! It is too hard to say goodbye, but I know I don’t have to. I know he isn’t gone. I know that he is another angel. I know his helping days are not gone either. He will always be my best friend. Even though I already miss calling him 100 times a day or him calling me, I know he will still make sure that I know he is here. Death cannot stop the love between two people, nor will it make me sad for long. He has left a legacy for certain. And that legacy is truly filled with nothing but joy and kindness to the world around us.

I didn’t grow up in a small town. I grew up in a city, population 56,843. I did summer in a small town though. It’s a beautiful town right on the water where the tourists quadruple the population of about 4,000 every summer. I was blessed enough to move to that small town full time in 2002. When I got here, all my summer friends had gone home for the winter and I pretty much didn’t know anyone. The first thing my husband and I did was to join the local track club. They welcomed us warmly with wide open arms. They were some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. They quickly became friends and made my transition to year-round living in this small coastal town much, much easier. Since then, four children have made life a bit busy and I’m not involved much with the Track Club anymore. I still run, of course, but now it’s when I can fit it in between gymnastics and soccer and swimming class and football and school. The one thing that sticks out in my head is how loving that group really was to me, and still are today. Over the years I have realized that group is a true representation of this small town. This truly is a community with wide open arms.

For my first 26 years, I lived in a wonderful city as well. Now that I’ve spent some time in a good-sized city and a small town, I think I can honestly compare the two.

I never heard any negative comments about where I grew up until probably high school. By then, we were playing sports against other schools and going to multiple district student council functions where we were interacting with other kids from different towns and cities in our state. I started to realize that our city, where I always felt safe, had this reputation for being “tough”. For years, I sort of “went with it” somehow thinking that this chubby band chick with acne was now badass. When I went away to college, my roommate was from another, much smaller town in my state about an hour from where I lived. She looked at me like I was a thug and must have guns and drugs. Again, I got a kick out of it because…well, she was prissy as hell and I really couldn’t stand her!

When I moved year round to my forever place here by the sea, I noticed I was still hearing much of the same negativity about my city of origin. Now, it was coming from adults. These adults were supposed to be well-educated people, yet still they believed the stereotypes and rumors, even having never stepped foot in my “big” city at any point in their lives. It started to make me defensive. I loved and still love that city. My memories of growing up include amazing teachers, hanging out at the girls club after school making arts and crafts, the science fairs, taking pride in having the best softball teams in the state, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, marching in parades, and parents that were involved in the community in whatever ways possible. I was taught to get involved. I had friends from every background, every color, different beliefs and I was actually taught that this was ok. No, it was more than ok. This was GREAT. This was a representation of life! It didn’t matter how much money we had or how much money they had. It didn’t matter what side of the tracks (literally) you were from. I look back and feel that I grew up in a community that cared and still does care today. We helped one another. We stuck together. Somebody always had your back. I still have my roots there and I wouldnt change that for the world. When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and our childhood friends found out, they quickly helped in any way they could. Our awesome friends used their band to have a concert and get the community together for a giant fundraiser. They blew us away with their generosity of time, effort, and raising of money that truly helped my family more than they will ever know. I don’t even live there anymore, but I’m still supported through an amazing network of great people! Today, some of my friends are teachers there, some are police officers and firefighters, and some are running that city. I take pride in seeing how they make a wonderful city even better every day.

It is the same way I feel about where I live. This small town has already had my back on more than one occasion. This is a place where parents, teachers, police officers, firefighters, business owners, municipal workers, coaches, and residents from the North side to the East side all care about this town and the people in it. I see it where ever I go, and I’m proud.

When I had my fourth child stillborn and came home from the hospital feeling lost and overwhelmed, I was taken care of by this community. Two different churches had members going out of their way for my family. Strangers were doing my laundry to help us. Those strangers became friends. I felt supported by more than just my family. I saw a town come together for one of its own and fill a need. While my husband fought for his life, and shortly passed away 7 months later, this community came out full force in a way I never could have imagined. People helped me in every possible avenue. I felt loved and supported and humbled. I mostly felt, and still feel, blessed.

A little over a week ago, NBC aired a special segment on my small town. It was highlighting one of our elementary schools and the way they have responded to help children in our community who have either lost a parent to drug overdose or are struggling with a parent with an addiction. It also showed what they are doing to help keep children away from drugs and give them avenues to talk to trusted adults and relieve their stress in productive ways. When I watched the segment, I was filled with pride. Again, I saw a community seeing a problem here and working above and beyond to fix it. So much so, in fact, that NBC came and spread this story to the rest of the country to use our town as an example of doing good for others and as a model other cities and towns can use for their own communities!

The next day, I was appalled when I scrolled down my Facebook feed. I was pretty sure we had all watched the same segment. However, I read comments that focused on the towns drug problem. Some even going so far as to say they were glad they had gotten out of here when they did and that the town wasn’t like when they were a kid. I was seriously dumbfounded. Im not sure what rock these people have crawled out from under, but let me enlighten you. DRUGS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!! If you think for one second that your town or city is somehow immune from drug addiction, you are so very wrong. You know people addicted to drugs or that have overcome addiction. Trust me, you do. They are your neighbors, your co-workers. Some have made it and some have not. Some are buried in the cemetary next to your grandmother. This is happening everywhere!! To act like our town has more of a problem than every other place in our country is pure ignorance, completely missing the point, and just plain WRONG.

I’m proud of NBC coming out here. I’m proud to open my eyes at the world around me and see the good. This isnt a gift. This is making a choice to be positive in a world where we are bombared by the media with negative. So much so, perhaps, that when a good, positive story comes out, some people can’t even recognize it anymore?!?

I grew up in a place where there were most definitely drugs, crime, and people who just did bad things, but there was also a sense of community. There were good things happening every day. There were teachers walking kids home from school if parents couldn’t. There were sports teams celebrating their wins at Friendly’s, there were people helping at the shelter and food pantry. There were programs and activities everywhere to help the community and the people in it and to come together for our neighbors in need. This is exactly how I see the town I live in as well. In fact, look around you. This is every town and city “from sea to shining sea”. This is our country, our amazing, wonderful country. This is where, yes, bad does happen, but so does good. There are copycat crimes. BUT, there are also copycat solutions, fundraisers, and good deeds! The good can spread, IF we choose to focus on it! Look around where you live. Really look. Think about what you want to spread in your own community. You are a catalyst. Each one of us spreads something, positive or negative, whenever we speak or perform an action. Open your eyes to the world around you. What do YOU choose to see?

I didn’t grow up in a small town. I grew up in a city, population 56,843. I did summer in a small town though. It’s a beautiful town right on the water where the tourists quadruple the population of about 4,000 every summer. I was blessed enough to move to that small town full time in 2002. When I got here, all my summer friends had gone home for the winter and I pretty much didn’t know anyone. The first thing my husband and I did was to join the local track club. They welcomed us warmly with wide open arms. They were some of the most wonderful people I’ve ever met in my life. They quickly became friends and made my transition to year-round living in this small coastal town much, much easier. Since then, four children have made life a bit busy and I’m not involved much with the Track Club anymore. I still run, of course, but now it’s when I can fit it in between gymnastics and soccer and swimming class and football and school. The one thing that sticks out in my head is how loving that group really was to me, and still are today. Over the years I have realized that group is a true representation of this small town. This truly is a community with wide open arms.

For my first 26 years, I lived in a wonderful city as well. Now that I’ve spent some time in a good-sized city and a small town, I think I can honestly compare the two.

I never heard any negative comments about where I grew up until probably high school. By then, we were playing sports against other schools and going to multiple district student council functions where we were interacting with other kids from different towns and cities in our state. I started to realize that our city, where I always felt safe, had this reputation for being “tough”. For years, I sort of “went with it” somehow thinking that this chubby band chick with acne was now badass. When I went away to college, my roommate was from another, much smaller town in my state about an hour from where I lived. She looked at me like I was a thug and must have guns and drugs. Again, I got a kick out of it because…well, she was prissy as hell and I really couldn’t stand her!

When I moved year round to my forever place here by the sea, I noticed I was still hearing much of the same negativity about my city of origin. Now, it was coming from adults. These adults were supposed to be well-educated people, yet still they believed the stereotypes and rumors, even having never stepped foot in my “big” city at any point in their lives. It started to make me defensive. I loved and still love that city. My memories of growing up include amazing teachers, hanging out at the girls club after school making arts and crafts, the science fairs, taking pride in having the best softball teams in the state, playing outside with the neighborhood kids, marching in parades, and parents that were involved in the community in whatever ways possible. I was taught to get involved. I had friends from every background, every color, different beliefs and I was actually taught that this was ok. No, it was more than ok. This was GREAT. This was a representation of life! It didn’t matter how much money we had or how much money they had. It didn’t matter what side of the tracks (literally) you were from. I look back and feel that I grew up in a community that cared and still does care today. We helped one another. We stuck together. Somebody always had your back. I still have my roots there and I wouldnt change that for the world. When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer and our childhood friends found out, they quickly helped in any way they could. Our awesome friends used their band to have a concert and get the community together for a giant fundraiser. They blew us away with their generosity of time, effort, and raising of money that truly helped my family more than they will ever know. I don’t even live there anymore, but I’m still supported through an amazing network of great people! Today, some of my friends are teachers there, some are police officers and firefighters, and some are running that city. I take pride in seeing how they make a wonderful city even better every day.

It is the same way I feel about where I live. This small town has already had my back on more than one occasion. This is a place where parents, teachers, police officers, firefighters, business owners, municipal workers, coaches, and residents from the North side to the East side all care about this town and the people in it. I see it where ever I go, and I’m proud.

When I had my fourth child stillborn and came home from the hospital feeling lost and overwhelmed, I was taken care of by this community. Two different churches had members going out of their way for my family. Strangers were doing my laundry to help us. Those strangers became friends. I felt supported by more than just my family. I saw a town come together for one of its own and fill a need. While my husband fought for his life, and shortly passed away 7 months later, this community came out full force in a way I never could have imagined. People helped me in every possible avenue. I felt loved and supported and humbled. I mostly felt, and still feel, blessed.

A little over a week ago, NBC aired a special segment on my small town. It was highlighting one of our elementary schools and the way they have responded to help children in our community who have either lost a parent to drug overdose or are struggling with a parent with an addiction. It also showed what they are doing to help keep children away from drugs and give them avenues to talk to trusted adults and relieve their stress in productive ways. When I watched the segment, I was filled with pride. Again, I saw a community seeing a problem here and working above and beyond to fix it. So much so, in fact, that NBC came and spread this story to the rest of the country to use our town as an example of doing good for others and as a model other cities and towns can use for their own communities!

The next day, I was appalled when I scrolled down my Facebook feed. I was pretty sure we had all watched the same segment. However, I read comments that focused on the towns drug problem. Some even going so far as to say they were glad they had gotten out of here when they did and that the town wasn’t like when they were a kid. I was seriously dumbfounded. Im not sure what rock these people have crawled out from under, but let me enlighten you. DRUGS ARE EVERYWHERE!!!!! If you think for one second that your town or city is somehow immune from drug addiction, you are so very wrong. You know people addicted to drugs or that have overcome addiction. Trust me, you do. They are your neighbors, your co-workers. Some have made it and some have not. Some are buried in the cemetary next to your grandmother. This is happening everywhere!! To act like our town has more of a problem than every other place in our country is pure ignorance, completely missing the point, and just plain WRONG.

I’m proud of NBC coming out here. I’m proud to open my eyes at the world around me and see the good. This isnt a gift. This is making a choice to be positive in a world where we are bombared by the media with negative. So much so, perhaps, that when a good, positive story comes out, some people can’t even recognize it anymore?!?

I grew up in a place where there were most definitely drugs, crime, and people who just did bad things, but there was also a sense of community. There were good things happening every day. There were teachers walking kids home from school if parents couldn’t. There were sports teams celebrating their wins at Friendly’s, there were people helping at the shelter and food pantry. There were programs and activities everywhere to help the community and the people in it and to come together for our neighbors in need. This is exactly how I see the town I live in as well. In fact, look around you. This is every town and city “from sea to shining sea”. This is our country, our amazing, wonderful country. This is where, yes, bad does happen, but so does good. There are copycat crimes. BUT, there are also copycat solutions, fundraisers, and good deeds! The good can spread, IF we choose to focus on it! Look around where you live. Really look. Think about what you want to spread in your own community. You are a catalyst. Each one of us spreads something, positive or negative, whenever we speak or perform an action. Open your eyes to the world around you. What do YOU choose to see?

I drive too fast. I know I do. I see the speed limit sign says 50 and I do 60, 65 and I do 75. Its become how I roll. I don’t have road rage. I dont cuss at people unless they are a real a-hole. I just have to be SOMEWHERE. ALL THE EFFING TIME. I have 4 kids and each one has their own schedule. I also have things I want or need to do as well. There are 24 hours in a day. There is no time to lose!

Raising a big family on my own requires an enormous amount of organization. Otherwise, it just doesn’t run smoothly. We are NOT an organized family. We are loud. We fight. We can’t find our shoes. Someone stole their sister’s gym shorts. Someone needs to pee. The baby shit his pants on the way out the door. Someone forgot to eat breakfast. Someone has a 24 page notice from school that I NEED to read RIGHT NOW. Someone forgot they need a check for flute lessons. Someone only found one shin gaurd and there’s practice today.

We have school, faith formation classes, gymnastics, soccer, football, music lessons, doctors appointments, swim lessons, homework, dinner, showers, etc. I could say “NO” to any of the “extracurricular” stuff, but I won’t. My kids want to be active. They enjoy sports and trying new things. I do wish we had more downtime and I am always trying to figure out how to juggle and get it, but I still wouldn’t say no. I love seeing them active and happy. I also know that this crazy, hectic schedule won’t last forever.

I do wish my kids would be more cooperative and understanding. After one of them just took 16 minutes to find their right shoe, they will be in the car upset that we aren’t going to be on time for something. They will ask me why I can’t go even faster. They will request an exact amount of minutes late we will be. Sometimes there are even tears. I remind them about 1000 times a week that Im doing the best I can and that everything isn’t always going to work out and be perfect. That’s life. It is what it is. Inevitably, I feel “mom guilt”. I tell myself we will be on time next time. Then, the next time, when we arrive 5 minutes late, I’m cursing and mad that it has happened again.

It seems that even when we leave early and it looks like we will make it somewhere on time, for some reason like a traffic jam or a school bus, we either just make it or are late again. We are teased by some friends because they know we will be late more than not. Many of my friends run late as well, which makes me way less stressed. I love inviting them over for dinner knowing that when the food still has 40 minutes in the oven, I will see their text about being 40 minutes late.

I wonder if there will ever come a time when we are on time for everything. I wonder if I should throw in the towel, but it’s just not my style. I know I’m doing the best I can. I want to do it all and I want my kids to do it all. I cram too much into each day. I know I do, but I have great intentions and a good heart. We are completely unorganized, but I am working little by little to change that too. Rome wasn’t built in a day, right? I have decided to continue to do the best I can at any given time. We all need to remember this in our lives. We are human. We mess up. We need to be easier on each other and ourselves! Remember, there will always be critics. Try not to be one of those. We are all here doing the best we can!

So, if you invite us to your party, please remember reheating food doesn’t bother us in the least and, if we pass you on the highway, just wave and smile. A thumbs up wouldn’t hurt either.

A few weeks ago I began a journey around the country with my four kids. Its has been many things: fun, exciting, educational, hilarious,  frustrating,  rewarding…. Here are some lessons I have learned.

1. After having 5 babies, I pee more than my kids. It is what it is. I cannot pee in a bottle while the car is moving since Im the only driver. So we stop. Often. Ugh.

2.  Do not ask your 7 year old son to help your 3 year old son pee in a bottle when you are sitting in traffic. That will end with pee all over said 3 year old’s pants.

3. Do not ask your 10 year old daughter to help her 3 year old brother pee in a bottle while sitting in traffic. She will try to hold his little wee wee in the bottle to avoid what happened when her 7 year old brother tried this before her. 3 year old will think this is funny and shove her hand out of the way to allow his wee wee to fly around willy nilly. This will result in 3 year old peeing on 10 year olds face and shirt. 10 year old will be very angry. Everybody else will laugh so hard that its hard to breathe.

4. People in the south are way nicer than Massholes. And yes,  we are Massholes. Even when I think Im being nice, compared to the southern people, Im just a jerk.

5. Do not empty a bottle of pee out the window while driving. It will blow back in and hit your children.

6. Children should all be forced to pee and poop on the side of the road. You are not being gross, dirty, or classless. You are preparing them for college.

7. If you dont drink soda and eat much fried food at home, don’t do it on vacation.  You will spend 2 days walking around Disney World with the world’s worst indigestion.

8. Sleeping in a queen sized bed on vacation with 7 and 3 year old boys is just as relaxing as it is at home….

9. When your children ask you some great questions about state facts and US history, you need to google. Its been 25 years since history class. The vague recollection I have of famous historical moments all blend together with decades of movies Ive seen and rumors I may or may not have heard. It all comes back to you when you google, but sadly, in most cases, I am not smarter than a 5th grader.

10.  You will never regret making memories. My trip sounded crazy to some people.  Others claimed I was brave to drive through 18 places in 18 days by myself with my 4 kids. You only live once. Although at times I may be both, brave and crazy have nothing to do with it.  We have ONE life to live and to love. My kids and I will never forget this trip. Here’s to many, many more insane adventures with my amazing (and sometimes crazy) family!

Dear Bobby,

You’ve been gone 2 years today. Sometimes it feels like a dream. Sometimes it’s still just so surreal. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like any time has passed at all and other times it feels like a lifetime has gone by. When I think about it, it really is a completely different lifetime now.

First off, we miss you. The kids miss you. I talk about stories and fun times very often. I want them to always remember the fun. I know it wasn’t all roses, but thats ok. I asked them to tell me what they think of first when they think of you. Joni said how you coached her in everything. Brody said he remembers when you went to so many different Dunkin Donuts because he wanted a strawberry frosted with sprinkles on a Saturday morning on Cape Cod in the summer and everyone was out, but you made sure you found him one! Hanna said she remembers you always wanting slush puppies and getting her them too, even though I would be mad.  We tell the baby stories. I can’t believe he was only 18 months when it happened. It’s not fair. He will only know you through stories. That sucks. So we do what we can to tell lots of stories and make sure there are lots of pictures of you for him to see. I miss you. Like I said, we had our problems, and it meant so much to me that we could talk about them and forgive everything in the end…but, we had so many good times too! You were my best friend.  I miss when you sang me karaoke (I’m guessing the neighbors don’t though). It was always either REO Speedwagon or Boys II Men. I love that I was able to meet someone who could let go and be crazy in the same way that I did. When we did stuff like that, we would roll our eyes at each other, but secretly loved it. Other anal retentive people would never get our way of “crazy”.  I miss seeing you play with the kids, especially Brody. He needs that so badly. I try. I really do. I am just spread so thin. The boys have each other and play together alot, but the baby beats on him and he knows he needs to be nice to his little brother. It gets old for him pretty quickly.

I miss being able to share milestones with you. The girls started school this year. I am so proud of them and how well they are doing. I know you would be too.  When the girls got their first report card I cried. I just wanted to share that with you so badly.  Brody has found this crazy love for football which makes me so happy! He is slow as molasses, but as he gets older we will work on it.  He loves to play center. Maddy is going to play this year too. He is so aggressive. I think he will have fun.  I know you are there watching when they do everything, but it’s not the same. I want to high five you. I want to hug you.  I miss you.

I miss when you could make me laugh to cheer me up. I miss watching Storage Wars with you. I miss going to The Captain Kidd every year on our anniversary in July.  I miss your stupid farmers tan from surveying and how your neck was always red and you would swear you used sunscreen. I miss running with you. I remember that year at The Paul White road race when we decided to compete with each other. I started out fast and was ahead of you until that last big hill before the finish line.  You knew I suck at hills. Behind me I heard the Jaws shark music and I knew you caught me. You didn’t go ahead though, and you could have easily done so. You ran the end with me and then made me go ahead of you into the chute so I would officially have won our little competition that day.

I miss the girls dressing up for the Father Daughter dance every year at the rec. I know they do too. I miss you telling everyone you would never forget our anniversary because it was the day the big fight broke out at the red sox game with A-Rod.  I miss you. I remember the way you looked at me and cried when I was in labor with Hanna and you knew I was in so much pain. I remember you acting like the Red Sox won the world series in the ultrasound room when we found out Brody was a boy.

It has been so hard. The second year has easily been harder than the first too. In the first year your head is spinning. In the first year there is so much help too.  After the first year, you start to settle into the crazy reality and everyone thinks you’re okay now and the help and support starts to fade. But we aren’t ok. I hate to admit it, but I can’t do it all. I’m trying and it seems like there is always something that gets neglected and sometimes someone.  I wear too many hats and it sucks. I really do enjoy being independent.  I enjoy doing things on my own my way.  There just is never enough time in the day or week or month for one person with four kids to get it all done.  I am trying to take time for myself too. I know that’s important. I go out with friends. I date. I thank God for my amazing girlfriends that put up with me. I wonder though if I will ever have a best friend like you again. I hope so. I know you want that for me.

Every season that goes by makes the kids and I miss different things all over again. Thank God I have the kids! They are awesome, even if they can be little shits. Oh and the boys make sure I never miss a body next to me in my bed! They are awesome snugglers.

I know you are not in pain in any way now. I know you are happy. I know that you are watching us and guiding us and helping us. I know that you are with our son, Greyson. Give him lots of hugs and kisses from his mama. Give Gretzky a hug too. He was the best dog ever. Tell my mom that this mommin shit ain’t easy and I am sorry that my room was always a mess and that I left dishes in the sink. Thank her too though for teaching me to cook and, especially her pumpkin bread. Thank her for helping to teach me how to be a good person and how to smile through tears.  Have a brownie Sundae with Mike and tell him I miss his stinky farts. Tell my brother David that someday we will meet and thank you for always being my angel since the day I was born. Have some rootbeer with Uncle John and play some catch. I miss him being next door. Give them all hugs for me, seriously HUGE hugs. And I’m sending the biggest one I can muster up to heaven for you. Please continue to keep us safe and help us stay healthy and make Joni better. Please make year 3 easier than year 2. I know we will always miss you,  but I have hope that everything in our lives will somehow get easier, that things just work out. I know they will. I love you.  Thank you for being our angel.

Love,

Your Best Friend,

Kelly ❤