Online dating sucks. Okay, any dating sucks. Being on the other side of marriage just plain sucks! That dating world is full of liars, assholes, and people that view relationships as disposable.  It’s extremely frustrating to say the very least! However,  it seems to be the only way to meet anyone these days! If you can’t beat ’em, join em! So, I’ve decided that writing about it would definitely give others that “Me Too!” moment. If you’re dating after 30 or 40 even, then im pretty sure you can relate to my experiences. Following is just one of many….

I stood outside the restaurant waiting for the man I had yet to meet who was supposed to be my date for dinner and assuming I was being stood up. Oh, how I wish I had. As a car peels down the street with a man hanging outside the driver’s side window, I prayed. “Please no. Please please please NO.” The car whips into a parking spot, narrowly missing the car next to it. A man, excuse me, a very, very tiny man jumps out the door and yells across the street at me, “Hey, Kels!”. I tried not to make eye contact, like it wasn’t me. My name surely could NOT be Kels? I looked around behind me, crossing fingers and toes that another woman, any other woman in the world was behind me. Nope. He came running up the restaurant stairs to me. This very tiny man said hello again. I politely said hello as I stepped back. It’s amazing how different one can look in an online photograph. Just.Fucking.Amazing.
Now, I would like to think that I am not vain. I have met people who are not as good looking as they seem because they have an awful personality and also men who are just ok and their personality makes them look way better. Either way, I don’t like to be lied to. Bottom line. If your pictures show that you are jacked and have hair and look about 20 and your profile says you’re 5’8″, then you should NOT be looking me in the eye at a mere 5’2″. You also should not have a combover or weigh less than me.  I’m sorry, but this is lying.  If you will lie about how you look, what else will you lie about?
I took a deep breath and tried to pull all the positive thoughts from deep in the abyss of my brain. I’ve already got a babysitter. I’m kid less for a few hours. The weather is nice. I can enjoy a meal out without being interrupted, therefore eating an entire meal while it is still hot. Okay, these were the positives…
Well, I would rather cut up my kids food and go to the bathroom 15 times and pull the boys apart from wrestling in the middle of the floor any.fucking.day. than be here now with this man. Ugh. I’m pretty sure he forgot his meds. He’s all over the place. Hands flailing, talking so fast and loud that I have no clue what he is telling me about. I nod and smile and order a drink. The drink comes and he just won’t shut up. The food comes and I really have no appetite.  If he calls me “Kels” one more time, I’m going to throw my chicken at him. I politely excuse myself to the bathroom. I call my Out right away. She gets it. This online shit is for the birds. You always need an Out, that one friend that will help you bail when you just can’t take it anymore. I have my girl, my Out and she is ready to help.
I sit back down to dinner and try to make small talk, but, honestly, this man doesn’t even know what my voice sounds like. However, the entire place knows he’s there! Ugh. Double.Ugh. My phone rings! Oh HALLE-FUCKING-LUJAH!! What’s that? Oh, no! I’m sorry, but my kid just won’t stop crying. He needs me. Yes, I do understand that my sitter can probably handle him. (Asshole). But he must be sick and my kids always come first (THANK YOU GOD FOR THOSE LITTLE SHITS!) So, I must go. RIGHT.NOW. I’m so sorry. Yes! Of course, I was having a blast too! Yes, very very disappointed.  Oh we will DEFINITELY  (never) do this again! Here’s some cash…Again, so sorry! GOTTA GO! Yup, sure call you tomorrow  (as long as tomorrow is never)! Ok, bye!
….Welcome to the world of dating….

As a gemini, I have been told before that I fit the “multiple personalities” bill. I believe this is a good thing considering all of the hats that I need to wear on any given day to make life happen for my family and me.  However, my son and I had a conversation about me being cloned. Now if that could happen, it would be way easier on my brain and my body! I might be able to think less and sleep more! The monkey banging the cymbals in my head could just finally take an effing break! Here are the clones we decided I need.

1. The Cleaning Clone

This clone would have the sole job of cleaning every room in the house, decluttering, and organizing on a regular basis. Most days, my house looks like a twister went through. Oh wait, it did! In the form of FOUR kids! We all know the drill. We clean one room spotless and feel so good about it and become excited about the time we will now have for other things. Then, we walk out of that room to see that, while we were cleaning there, the kids were pretty much shitting up the rest of the house. Now, I gotta say its great to hear people say, “Oh you just gotta keep on them!” BAHAHAHA!!! To them, I lift a huge middle finger and mentally give them a punch in the throat. You see, anyone that truly knows children, knows that it is a constant battle to get them to pick up! Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I just don’t want to scream anymore! I feel like I spend 90% of my children’s lives reminding them to pick up their shit! Its exhausting! Many times, no matter how clean or disgusting your house is, you need to just go to the playground or snuggle and watch a movie and let it all go to shit! This brings me to clone #2.

2. The Play Clone

OMG uninterrupted time with my children doing fun stuff and not thinking about anything else, but being there right then?!? Now THAT is an amazing feeling! My Play Clone needs to take the kids to the movies, the bike path, kick a ball around outside, read more books on the hammock, and all the other things I really want to spend my whole day doing! They are only young once! I spend too much time feeling like I’m missing out on the fun stuff with them because of all the “other” stuff that needs to be done. This is the single most frustrating thing I would change if i could!

3. The Paperwork Clone

Bills, health insurance paperwork, permission slips…they all keep piling up! Just when I sit down for a couple of hours and make a dent, the mail comes! Lo and behold, there’s more! It never ends! Taking care of the paperwork that goes into raising a family is nothing less than a full-time job in and of itself!

4. The Errand Clone

This chick would be hitting the post office, the bank, the dry cleaners, the grocery store, town hall, Walmart, Home Depot, and all the other places that are on my mile long to-do list of shit that I’ve been meaning to get to! If I get a chance in between home-schooling my son and cleaning to run any errands, the list is never completely finished before we are heading off to after school activities.  I have things in the back of my car that I claimed I would drop off somewhere 7 months ago!

5. The Teacher Clone

I love home schooling. I was blessed to do it with my daughters for 6 years. I am now doing it with my son for 1st grade. The difference between then and now is…..drum roll please…all the fucking hats I wear! And know what? There are people out there that will read this and think, “Gee, everyone is busy. It is what it is. Just deal with it or put him in school.” Trust me, I have met these people. To them, I again shoot the middle finger.  Guess what? If you are reading this and you are a single mom or dad with multiple children and you are making it all work, then I am truly happy for you! However, I’m comimg up on 2 years being widowed and I have NOT gotten my shit together yet. It is not from lack of trying either. I know I will get there. If you think you could be one of my clones, then by all means…. When it comes to my children, I want whats best for them. I believe home schooling is still best for my 1st grader for several reasons that would be another blog entry entirely! So…a teacher clone would be great. Watching our children learn and hit milestones like reading and mastering subtraction are truly exciting parts of my life!

6. The Chauffeur Clone

Luckily, I have a great dad who helps me carpool my kids where they need to be, but it would be awesome to just have a taxi waiting outside for their convenience! Gymnastics, cheerleading, football, ccd, school, school activities, time with friends….enough said.

7. The Writer Clone

I love writing! I need to squeeze time in at weird hours in order to get it done now. I need to do a little here and a little there. The thing about writing though is that, once you start and get on a roll, you don’t want to stop! I am in the process of writing a book. I have a goal to finish it this year. I will make it work with a little time here and a little time there because that’s just how it needs to happen! Oh, but having hours at a time to write? Yes, I need this clone!

8. The Traveling Clone

I love to travel. Whether it be local or not, travel is the best form of education and memories that I have ever experienced.  I’m not just referring to vacationing in tropical places either. I want to see things I have never seen and meet new people from different cultures and learn about them. I want to give my children these experiences as well!

9. The Money Making Clone

Well…duh?!? We can all use more, especially if I need to fund my traveling clone! Haha.

10. The Me-Time Clone

Working out, reading a book, going out for dinner, chatting with a friend over coffee, going to see a movie…these are all on my list of the things I enjoy that keep me semi sane. We all need some down time. I am a better person when I fit it in somewhere in my day or my week.

Each day, I juggle these jobs and more, just like we all do! I know I’m not alone! One of the reasons I write these entries is because I know others can relate. It makes me feel better when I read something and can say, “Yes! I know what you mean! ME TOO!” I hope someone reads this and feels better knowing that life is crazy for all of us. I do believe we just need to do the best we can.  Eventually, it all really does get done.  I also believe that we need to remember what is important and count our blessings. I am guilty of doing something because I think it needs to be done that instant, instead of taking 10 minutes out to read with my kids and just take a break. I am working on this. I need to remind myself that the dishes in the sink don’t matter, and neither do the crumbs on my floor. It matters that my kids laugh and know that I love them. It matters that I do what I know I need to be happy inside and take care of myself.  So, I suppose I would benefit if I had 10 of me, but, seeing as I’m pretty sure the world couldn’t handle it, I will just continue to do the best I can. Multi-task on my friends, multi-task on….

I went away for one night over a weekend last year. It is the only time I have ever been away from my kids for an overnight.  The next afternoon, in the kitchen, my 9 year old said to me, “Mom, why are you being so nice to us today?”

Wow. What a wake up call! And it should NOT have come as a surprise. You take a burnt out, 24/7 single mom of 4 and get her a night off and she comes back refreshed?!? Wow! What a revelation!

When we board a plane, before take-off, they always give us the oxygen mask speech. They always tell us to put our mask on before helping others, including our own children. If we don’t, then we will pass out and not be any good to anyone! TAKING CARE OF OURSELVES IS LIKE PUTTING OUR MASKS ON FIRST!

Unfortunately, society gives out quite mixed messages. We hear how awesome it is that women can “do it all”. They can work, take care of children, take care of a house, etc… Then we are told to make sure we are taking care of ourselves and being good to ourselves and taking some time out to do things we enjoy.  Then there’s the “mom guilt” that comes alomg with every single thing we do or say. Moms(and dads!), especially single ones with their kids all the time CANNOT do it all. WE CANNOT.  Something’s gotta give. It seems that in most situations, it’s us and our sanity and our mental and physical health! Why do we feel selfish when we do something that puts us first? What we are doing is becoming a better parent, friend, and person! We are teaching our children an important lesson in self-care.

I believe we need to put our oxygen masks on first! We are no good to our children if we don’t! We are not being selfish! Think of all we do for our children!  We have them in every activity we can find.  We cart them across towns and states for sports. We make sure they are clothed and fed. We make sure they see their friends. We do this and laundry, dishes, floors, bills, and keeping cars and yards maintained!  This is not all possible for one person to do! I decided something was going to give at my house and it can’t be me. Laundry can wait. I can let my kids entertain themselves.  I can get a babysitter.  I need my time, my outlet. I need to take breaks. Call me selfish. I need to run. I need to workout. I need to go out with my friends and others I care about. My children are not going to break if they are left alone for an hour or two while I run or take an exercise class.  Independent children are a good thing! They will be ok if they do not have me entertaining them.  They will be ok if they are trusted to not kill one another because Mommy needs to get herself a little break. This morning I needed to run. I knew I needed to run. Every kid needed something from me. Every.Single.One.  It took me 3 hours from when I woke up to get my ass out the door and run, but I did it. And it was all ok. I put myself…FIRST (gasp!) for 2 hours out of 24. Nothing bad happened! The only result is that I feel really good and got some stress out!  I love my children, obviously, and I made sure they all had what they needed before I left.  I’m so grateful, especially after losing loved ones, that we have each other.  We are a very close family and that’s a great thing.  I’m still a 24/7 single mom though and that’s a tough thing to be. I have learned to do things for myself and my sanity. At this point I can see the burn out and I’m barely keeping it at bay.  I’m pretty sure I could use at least a week away to refresh my batteries, but ironically I wouldn’t do that because I certainly would miss those little shits too much to enjoy it! I would take one night again though in a heartbeat!  According to my kids, I’ll be a nicer mom for it!

My seven year old cooks the best scrambled eggs I have ever eaten. This is not an exaggeration.  He found a combination of herbs he adds to them to make them quite savory and they just melt in your mouth.  Is he a prodigy? Is he a genius? Well, we are all a bit biased when it comes to our own children, so I think he is perfect. However, the reason he can do this is because of one reason and one reason alone.

I let him try.

It’s that simple. I’ve always encouraged my children to cook with me in any way they were able to at any given age. They all love to cook. I wasn’t afraid of the messes they were going to make. I wasn’t afraid of them messing something up or making it taste funny. I let them try. I let them do what they think is best when it comes to what they are cooking. We have had many messes and some disastrous outcomes that nobody wanted to eat. We have also had quite a few laughs about it and they have learned from their mistakes. Just as in all of life, we all need to make our own mistakes and do it better the next time.  When my son was 3 he learned to crack an egg. By the time he was 5 he was making over easy eggs for himself every morning.  He was taught how to use the stove. He knows safety because I taught him. He knows how to use a knife because I taught him. He tells us which burner he used so we all know which one is still hot. He let’s his 3 year old brother mix things and gets him excited to help as well. His expertise has widened from just eggs. He makes a great chicken soup and some mean guacamole as well as a few other specialties.  He’s not the only one who has these skills. For years now, I’ll smell something yummy when I wake up on a Saturday morning, walk downstairs, and my 11 year old is taking a cake or some other concoction out of the oven. We are still working on the clean up part, but she certainly has become awesome at making things from scratch! My 10 year old loves to decorate cakes and cupcakes. She enjoys making unique treats and made us some amazing whoopee pies not too long ago.

My friends have seen my kids cook and comment on how crazy it is that they do it at such a young age and without my help. Like I said, I let them try.  Too many parents seem to do everything for their kids, as if their kids are going to break or somehow be too fragile to put in the effort themselves. We all need to let them try! And not just in the kitchen!

The world is so concerned with reading, math, science, social studies, technology, etc. I’m on my 7th year home schooling. I’ve taught my children all of those things, but I’ve also paid attention to life skills. My children know how to use the washer and dryer. They unload and load the dishwasher. They take out the trash. They sweep the floor. The older children help feed and dress the baby. I let them take off on their bikes around the neighborhood together. I love that they explore.  They know the rules. They know about safety and emergencies.  We are fortunate to know our neighbors.

Yes, my children have sat down and had to memorize facts and written out worksheets. But they also know how to count money back at a grocery store. They learned science and math and reading from cooking! I was so excited when my 10 year old came home from school and told me that they were doing fractions and it was so easy. She said some other kids were having trouble, but she just remembered what she learned from measuring when we cook! I want my kids to be safe. so I teach them how. I want my kids to learn independence, so I give them some in an age appropriate way. I want my kids to learn to be self sufficient, so they must help out around the house and practice life skills everyday.  It is definitely not always pretty.  Getting kids to do chores can really suck. I just persist. I don’t back down. I don’t give in.  I talk to my kids about the importance of being a team. We all need to work together in order for our household to run smoothly.  It not only helps them to learn and grow into responsible adults, but it helps me too!

Being single, I have met grown men who send their laundry out, who have their mommies clean their houses, who can’t even boil water for pasta, and even men who are extremely book smart, but have no social skills!  Meanwhile, my 2 middle kids are fighting over who gets to have the “magic wand” (aka clorox toilet wand) to clean the toilets! And to their future spouses I say, “YOUR WELCOME”!

 

I notice sometimes people are surprised to know I still have very many friends from my childhood. I also make it a point to keep in touch with my friends and, in the midst of our busy lives, we do try to get together once in a while as well. The same way people are surprised that I’ve kept these friends for, in some cases, 35 years, I’m surprised that they have not. Now, friends in any capacity are great. I’m a true believer in surrounding yourself with good people. I also have made some wonderful friends at each different stage in my life, including the present. I have some amazing people I am blessed to call my friends that I have only known just a few years. I just still do not understand how some people don’t keep in contact with their childhood friends.

In my case, I don’t believe there are any people better equipped to know and understand and accept me than my childhood friends. They have seen me at my worst and at my best. They have seen my awkward stage…or years. They know what I look like with a mullet. They remember when I was fat. They remember me before the contact lenses. They still love me!

We know each other’s entire families for better or worse. We still remember each other’s phone numbers.  We knew each other’s pets. We drove in each others cars. We were taken together on family vacations and crazy road trips. We were there for everyone’s first kiss, first crush, first heartbreak, first school dance, graduations, proms, parties, and also for the first devastating losses.

Our parents were by default parents to each kid that walked into their house. They stuck by us and fed us and put up with all of our drama. Mom and Dad were Mom and Dad no matter who they belonged to. When my mom was diagnosed with leukemia and died 3 months later, my friends showed up at my door with mint chocolate chip ice cream and jimmies from Friendly’s.  This is something I will never forget and always appreciate and love about them. Nothing could be said or done to bring my mom back, but these people did what we had always done to cheer each other up. What seems trite to some spoke volumes to me. We still know ice cream can make you feel even better than booze sometimes. Not alot of people get that, but my best friends do.

As adults we have learned that life changes rather quickly and that it’s not going to stop changing. Some changes are good and some changes not. Old friends knew us before all these changes. They knew us at a time when we could just have fun without many of the stressors that we encounter as adults. Spending time with these friends takes me back to when things seemed so simple.  And they were. I need my friends. I will always need my friends. They make me laugh and wipe my tears and remind me of who I really am under the stress that sometimes can overwhelm us all.  They also remind me of my hopes and dreams and of who I want to be and of what I want to accomplish. They support me and they never judge me or my actions or my decisions.  It’s an unconditional love. It is a love like no other love and I am grateful to have this in my life.

I’m a competitive mom. Yup. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m competitive at heart. It probably stems from my mom and dad and growing up playing rummy, scrabble, cribbage, and anything else that brought on a little friendly competition. Okay, well we called it “friendly”. When we won, we gloated. When we lost, we were teased. But it really all was in fun and it made me really enjoy the winning part, but still have fun either way. I also learned that I wasn’t going to always win and that nobody would just let me either. I needed to practice and learn more to get better at whatever I wanted to win at..(btw..a lesson missed on all these kids today that get a trophy for participating!)

So, now I’m a mom and I still like to win. The thing is, I’m not JUST a mom. I’m a Sports Mom. I’m a Sports Mom that likes to see my kids do well, and yes, win. I have learned that getting better is important and I know full well that in the end we are only competing against ourselves. We should always strive to be better than we were yesterday in sports and in life. I see my kids compete. The boys are still young and looking at the sky or the grass while the ball is flying right at them. My girls, however, are outright, full-fledged, in the throws of competing.  They go to practice and have fun with their friends and once in a while get frustrated, but, for the most part, they don’t care. They do their thing. And that makes me happy for them. Seriously.  I’m truly proud of them no matter the outcome, always. There’s just that piece inside of me… that obnoxious, annoying piece…

They have a crazy mama at those comps that is a mess inside!!!! When one falls off the beam on her cartwheel or misses her second back handspring on her floor routine, I’m screaming inside. When one misses something in the air or is a bit behind on a dance routine, I cringe. Right before the girls are about to compete, I’m sweating. My heart is racing. I might puke. I watch holding my breath. I’m a complete and utter idiot inside and I know it. I remind myself that neither of them is going to the Olympics. This is for fun and to stay active and they are both doing great.  I get it, but my brain resists! It takes me time to unwind after watching a routine, no matter how they do!  Yet, no matter what, they look happy as clams!  I always say, “Great Job!” and high-five or give them a thumbs up from afar. Still, inside I want to scream!! If they do awesome, I want to jump up and down and run up and grab them and celebrate. If they miss something or fall, I want to squeeze them and comfort them assuming they must be crushed! Their nonchalant look drives me crazy! I know it’s what we want. I know it’s humble and good sportsmanship and, if they weren’t like that, I’d probably need to have a talk with them lol.  Still, drives a mom like me crazy!  I can’t be the only one like this….surely I can’t.  I know there are more like me, but you just won’t admit it. Everyone wants to be nice, so damn nice. Well, admit it, like me.  We can both be competitive and obnoxious and I’ll still love you.  Come over and see who wins at air hockey or rummy or scrabble.  I’ll still be your friend if you beat me…just as long as you bring the Xanax to my kids next competition.

Tonight my daughter and I got our “15 minutes of fame”.  She has an autoimmune disorder and her body attacks itself. This means her body creates antibodies against her own blood cells, killing her platelets (clotting cells) and red blood cells (oxygen and energy carriers).  This has made her dependent on platelet transfusions weekly and red blood cells transfusions every 3-4 weeks. She has a port which makes it easier on her veins. We travel the hour each week to clinic in Providence and she gets her transfusions. This has been the norm for us since 2012.

Today, the Rhode Island Blood Center had a special event to recruit new donors, especially for platelets.  Along with the help of Dunkin Donuts incentives like giftcards and Patriots tickets, they are kicking off a goal of 1000 new donors this year. They asked my daughter and I to come and speak about how important it is for her to be able to receive platelets and how she is able to be a pretty normal kid and very active because of these wonderful donors. We also met a donor that is there to give platelets every two weeks and 3 people that were in the lab giving while we were there. This was a very special event to be part of and we were grateful to be included and to be able to thank these wonderful people who donate.  The media was there and so we were on television too! Very cool to see my beautiful tween being her rockstar self. Everyone at the blood bank already knew who she was and was excited to put a face with the name.  They treated her like a real celebrity and it definitely has gone to her head! Ha!

Tons of friends contacted me to say they had seen us and our story.  The people who have known us for a while and know us well, gave their thumbs up in one way or another. The people who haven’t known us very long, seem to have a different reaction. People messaged that they feel bad for us or that our story left them heartbroken.  They are missing the point…

Medicine has come far enough to have a process for giving your own blood to another person who needs it and then them being able to receive it and LIVE!! My daughter is able to be a competitive gymnast because she gets platelets. She is able to cheer for her school because she gets platelets.  She is able to do sports because she gets platelets. She is able to LIVE because she gets blood!!

You need perspective in life. We could look at it like it sucks that we have to go to clinic each week. She misses a few hours of school on Thursdays and once every few weeks we have a really long day of transfusions and it’s exhausting for us all. There is no protocol for her except keeping her stable. There is no definitive end to her treatment.  But none of this is what’s important.  SHE IS ALIVE. She can get what she needs because of wonderful blood donors.  She is able to spend as little time as possible at the clinic because of the amazing staff at Hasbro Children’s Hospital in Providence that treat us, and all their patients, like family.  They know we have better places to be and much more fun things we’d rather be doing. While we are there, they have made it so much fun that the kids sometimes don’t want to leave! We have an amazing new group of friends who happen to be the strongest group of parents and kids you’ll ever meet. We know this isn’t the best situation. I live on faith. I’ve learned to live one day at a time and enjoy the fuck out of it all I possibly can and I’m teaching my kids to do the same. As we sit in clinic one day, and mostly one half day, a week, there are plenty of people that have lost their children or other loved ones and they would do anything to trade places with us. Please don’t ever feel bad for us. We have learned how important life is and how important it is to live each day fully. Don’t pity us.  My kids have a trampoline that makes our hematology team cringe, but YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE!! Don’t be heartbroken in the least. We know how to have fun and live it up and we do!!

I don’t know what the future holds. I do know that God is good. I do have a strong faith that my daughter will someday get better, hopefully in an “easy” way.  I also know that we all need to keep our lives in perspective. While other children have limited life experiences and activities due to their conditions, my daughter is getting so many amazing opportunities to LIVE her life. She is getting to be mostly “normal” and, just like other tweens, drive me nuts.  While other parents, including my own, have had to bury their children, my daughter is here and LIVING! I get to see her every day. I get to fight with her. I get to kiss her and tuck her in at night. I get to play her in air hockey.  I get to watch her talk to boys and embarrass her. I GET TO BE HER MOM!!  So, please, please don’t ever be heartbroken for us or pity us or feel bad for us. I get down sometimes myself, like we all do, but I know how blessed we are to be together as a family to love one another, to fight, to play, to hug, to cuddle, and to LIVE as amazing a life as we do.

My mother passed away December 23, 2001. I remember every detail of that day and the next. I remember being with her right as she passed. I remember the visitors, my friends not saying a word because there was nothing to say, but just bringing me Friendly’s mint chocolate chip ice cream like any best friends would have done.  I remember needing to have a Christmas tree up and decorated, for her. I remember my brother and I and two of our friends going to pick one out. It was more important to me than anyone could understand. I don’t think I even truly understood why it was so important to me, but now, 15 years later, I do.

My mother loved Christmas.  She gave me a love for the holiday that I will always cherish and hand down to my own children.  She shopped early, we listened to Christmas music together in the car by the end of September, and she always had her wonderful Christmas party. Thanksgiving night was more special to me than the entire day because that’s the night we would put out the nativity- our first Christmas decoration up every year.

Christmas eve at church was always my mom and I, usually with my aunt and my cousin.  The men all worked together and had their annual xmas party at the store. I remember her singing “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” just a bit off key. I loved that song and still do. Christmas eve mass was always something special and I have yet to sit through an entire one since the year she died without crying like a baby at some point.

Christmas morning, I woke up before my siblings every year. My brother was always the last one up and, especially when he was in high school and college, my mom had a rule that we couldn’t wake him up until 9 to open presents. We all had to wait to go into the living room until all three of us were up and ready and my dad had this video camera rolling.  Once everyone was up, we opened our stockings and then went to work on the gifts under the tree.  I don’t really remember the stuff, but I do remember the magic that went along with it all. I can even still see the excitement on my parents faces, awaiting our own expressions.

The memories my mother gave me will always be important, but they are especially precious to me at Christmas time. I know everything happens for a reason. I don’t know why she had to be taken from us so soon, but I do know her passing two days before Christmas was her way of making sure I always keep her memory alive at her favorite time of year. I love every second of this season, celebrating, not just Christmas, but honoring my mom. The smells of her recipes, the stories that I tell my children, and the special homemade decorations that I have that she made are all ways to have her extra close to me at a time I miss her the most.

I believe that when you all of a sudden have something you want to tell someone who is in heaven and you actually have a moment where you want to call them, that it just means they are so close you really could talk to them. It means they are there with you. Two nights ago Hanna, my 9 year old, asked to help me make my mother’s special Christmas bread. I showed her how to knead it and braid it. I walked away and she did one all by herself and it looked amazing. When I told her so, she replied, “Grandma Joan must have been working through my hands and helping me to make it perfect!” I immediately wanted to call her because I knew she would be so proud of the job Hanna did on her first try. Hanna and I both decided that my mom must have been right there beside us, watching, helping, and most definitely proud.

I am so proud of the people that my children are becoming. I get complimented on them often. I know that it would be impossible for me to raise great kids if I wasn’t raised by such great parents. I am so grateful for all they did for me, but I am most grateful for the memories that I will always share.  Fifteen years later and it still takes my breath away. Life isn’t always fair, but we need to accept the ways we are blessed and hold those memories and stories close. Thank you, Mom, for helping to make me who I am and, most definitely for giving me my love of Christmas!

Joan F. Fernandes

January 12, 1939-December 23, 2001

MERRY CHRISTMAS!! I LOVE YOU!!

You know the tune….

On the first day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

A hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the second day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

2 pairs of underwear on the couch and       a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the third day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the fourth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the fifth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the seventh day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the eighth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the ninth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the tenth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

10 loads of laundry each week, 9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

11 episodes of Paw Patrol, 10 loads of laundry each week, 9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch, and a hunk of poop under the Christmas tree!

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my children gave to me:

12 Months a year of LOVE! (even though they can be little assholes), 11 episodes of Paw Patrol, 10 loads of laundry each week, 9 socks without a match, 8 rolling eyes, 7 days a week of activities, 6 empty CapriSun wrappers on the floor,

5 hours of sleep!

4 children fighting, 3 cases of strep throat, 2 pairs of underwear on the couch….AND A HUNK OF POOP UNDER THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!

Well I suppose when you write a blog, you need to join the masses and put your “Grateful for…” list out there to the world. I’m pretty much the most grateful person I know. I definitely have tons of reasons to say, “Thank you !”. So here are just a few…

*My kids. They are awesome little shits!

My tween 11 year old drives me crazy in so many ways and I don’t put up with much of her attitude. However, she also spends some time every week at the hospital getting poked and prodded and has been nothing less than a champion in my eyes. Tween/teen years are hard for everyone, but under that sass I have one cool young lady.

I have a quirky 9 year old that won’t put up with anyone’s Bullshit. She’s got looks to kill, which I secretly love if she doesn’t use them on me. She always sees the brightside at the end of her tantrums.

I have a 6 year old son that cooks and cleans. He makes his own eggs, among other specialities. This week while I was running on our treadmill, he made chicken soup from scratch all by himself and did one heck of a job. He said he thought it would make a good lunch!

I have a sweet, stubborn, independent 3 year old that climbs in my lap and smiles and makes me forget that he just spilled a gallon of apple juice on the couch.

*Pubby. That’s what my kids call my dad. If he didn’t help drive my kids around, I don’t know what I would do. We would never have a home cooked meal since they have something nearly every night. And they would never have a normal bedtime. Siblings would be dragged everywhere and I know they are starting to hate that too. He does so much more for me and my kids, but driving just pops into my head because I just can’t be in two spots at once!

*Friends. Shit, I’m spoiled. I know it. I am so grateful. I know they don’t want anything in return, but when I win the lottery I am sharing!!

*My Jeep. Sure, it sounds materialistic, but it’s more of a symbol for me of just so much. My friends know. I know they get it. It’s me. It’s a part of who I am and always will be and it represents a link to the past and who I’m becoming as I’m still learning on this crazy ride called life.

*Last, but definitely not least, I am ever so grateful that Thanksgiving is done and I will have less friends that complain when I’m all about spreading my Christmas cheer!! So no more Bah Humbug…let the Holiday season begin!!