I felt Greyson kicking away in my tummy while I was eating my dish of mint chocolate chip ice cream. He was just as feisty as his 3 siblings had been in utero and it was great to watch his little feet and elbows (or whatever body part it was) pushing out in response to me poking him like we all do. Like, “Hey, wake up Baby! But remember to sleep in a little bit when I want to sleep!” And shortly after, I did go to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning at 6am, I knew I was in labor. I was just one day shy of 36 weeks so I knew it wasn’t that big of a deal. I had also planned on laboring at home as long as possible, keeping in touch with my midwife who agreed. Nothing abnormal was going on. I had done this 3 times before. When 1pm hit, I was finally at the point I knew I needed to get to the hospital and we went. I was hooked up to the monitor and immediately was confused when they rolled in the ultrasound machine and the doctor came in to see why they couldn’t find his heartbeat. My whole world changed in an instant when he told me we had lost him. No blood flow on the screen, no heartbeat, and no explanation. After never having drugs before I begged them to knock me out and make sure I didn’t feel a thing. It already wasn’t fair, why should I also be in pain?

I still had to labor until 8pm when Greyson James Guay was stillborn, 4 lbs. 13 oz. I held him until my midwife gently let me know he would start to look different and I would want to remember him as he was when he was born and still looked alive.

That night was filled with such horrible heartbreak and anguish. But, it was also filled with angels. My nurses will forever have my gratitude and were put with me for a reason. They were amazing and gentle and kind. Having a friend in the same profession made me look back afterwards and realize how difficult their job must have been that night. I am sure they went into another room and cried and I know a few of them over the next 24 hrs cried with me as well. I tried to make sense of it all. I did every test I was supposed to, I exercised, I ate right, I didn’t smoke or drink. Still, there was no reason, nothing to blame.  Years before, I had lost my mom and my brother. Those experiences had made me angry with God and I lost alot of faith. Over time, however, I saw God stand by me. I saw that even when my faith was gone, His love for me was not. He saw me through using the people in my lives as angels and guiding me to what I needed and where I needed to be. This time, loss was different because of the faith in me that had grown over time stronger than ever in my life. This time, I knew that God had somehow been working in good ways in my life and, that as heartbreaking as it was, God would get us through.

I had an amazing dream that night of my mom and my brother in heaven welcoming Greyson and holding him and thanking me for giving my mom her first grandchild she was able to hold and take care of for me since she had passed before the others had been born.  I took comfort knowing it would be ok. Greyson was very appropriately buried with my mom and brother. But I know that was just his shell. He didn’t need that body for his purpose. To all of you moms who have carried a stillborn, here is the most important thing I have learned and I believe with all my heart and soul…. We were chosen. We were handpicked my God Himself. See, everyone needs to be born, even angels. We were blessed by God to carry an angel. ( Or in some cases 2 or 3 angels!!) We were the lucky ones to feel an angel inside of us and to be able to give an angel such love, the love they would give back to this world 100 times more from the heavens! They were never meant to walk the earth, only to fly and we were chosen to give them their wings. My children and I have an angel named Greyson and he is gorgeous, just like all of your angels. I tell this to you because you need to know. You need to believe. You were not punished or jipped. You were chosen because of the love you have to give and the love you will always give, whether you choose to have more children or not. God will mend your heart. God will show you what you need when you need it. Meanwhile, hold your head high and talk to your angel all the time, knowing everyday that you have been blessed.