A Letter to Bobby from this side of the clouds.

Dear Bobby,

Thursday, the 17th of May, it will be 3 years since you’ve been gone. That thought has caused this horrible choking feeling in me, as it always does a week or 2 before your anniversary. I’ve been thinking alot these past few months of “our song”. “Bent” by Matchbox Twenty probably seems strange to most people, but it was perfect then and still is now.

“If I fall along the way, pick me up and dust me off. And if I get too tired to make it, be my breath so I can walk.”

A lot of falling and picking up was done in our marriage over the years, as is the case with marriage. Since you got too tired to make it, I have been your breath here on Earth. I give my life to our four gorgeous children and through them, you still walk. We tell stories and look at pictures and make sure that you are remembered, that you live on.

I’m not going to lie and say it’s been easy. In fact, I’m falling along the way sometimes and I need you to pick me up and dust me off in whatever way you can from heaven. I don’t ever want to become jaded like the song says. I know life is too good and so are people. Our kids need to know how great life and this world are, and I need to be the one to show them.

I remember saying that year two without you was harder than year one. Year one was filled with shock and loads of help and understanding from people. Year two, most people think the worst is over and you must be ok so they aren’t around as much to help. They don’t realize this is when you truly are feeling thrown to the wolves. Trying to adjust still to doing it all and being it all for the kids is a big job. I’m proud of how we are all doing. I’m proud of myself. But it’s still hard. I guess the third year without you had been extra tough because we lost my dad. The kids really relied on him, even more than ever since you’ve been gone. And so did I. But this past year has been filled with some great things and amazing memories too.

Last summer I decided to use some of our memorial fund to create a memory the kids and I could never forget. I packed them up in the Suburban and we took off for a road trip. 4000 miles and 18 states in 18 days, just the kids and me. And why the heck not? We only have this one life and I am damn well certain to make it a great one! Our kids have now seen 25 out of 50 states! I think that’s pretty cool.

Maddy is 4 now. He is a stubborn little bugger, just like a male version of Hanna. He wants to do everything himself. He just learned to ride his bike without training wheels so he can be like the big kids! He only eats chicken fingers and Mac n cheese. He loves to workout with his mama. Oh, and he climbs in bed with me usually right before the sun comes up and snuggles me then falls back asleep. I love that. Reminds me of how blessed we truly are!

Brody still misses the heck out of you on a regular basis. He needs positive male role models in his life. We have been blessed with some amazing men as football coaches for him. I am so grateful for that. We also have made wonderful friends through school that have been nothing less than a Godsend. This summer Brody will get to go fishing finally more than we have been able to. He absolutely loves fishing. He tells me he knows you are there when we fish. He went to school this year and I couldn’t be more proud. He has awesome friends and he is really becoming a responsible young man.

Hanna is still as emotional and feisty as they come. She has a mind of her own as always. She is a force to be reckoned with, our little Hurricane Hanna. She decided she loves to run with me. It makes me so happy. It’s such a challenge to find time to spend alone with each child and they need it. This gives her and I an opportunity to have that time. She did gymnastics this year. She did awesome. I love how flexible she is and how she wants to try so many different things. She is so unique. She is a wonderful artist too! We have really discovered that this year. Very cool to see someone inherit my parents great talent!

Joni is 13 next month. Need I say more? I love that kid more than she will ever know, but boy does she push buttons! She played soccer and basketball this year and loved them both. She loves sports and her friends. She has definitely been blessed; her best friends are a true gift from God. I couldn’t ask for better kids to be hanging around our house. I have a blast when they are all over. She is also becoming more gorgeous than ever and starting to fit into my clothes and shoes. I’m not sure whether or not this is good. I mean, if she fits in mine, I could technically fit in hers? Haha.

I feel overwhelmed and like a hot mess most days. I fly by the seat of my pants. I do the best I can and try to cut myself slack, but those that know me well know I am pretty hard on myself. I started teaching Pound. Best. Thing. Ever. I get to hit and it’s legal! I love bringing it to others. We all need a good stress release.

I know that I am “bent” right now. I’m sure that I always will be in some way. We all are. But unlike the song, I know that my pieces will be put back together again. As my favorite line in the song says, ” when my smile gets old and faded, wait around I’ll smile again.”

We miss you RPG. A whole lot. ❤