It’s time for a change guys. I am not even bringing politics into this either. It doesn’t matter if you think left, right, or middle. Change needs to happen and it needs to start IN YOUR HOUSE WITH YOU AND YOUR KIDS. We have been fighting a pandemic across the globe for 8 months. We were improving and now we have a surge. This should not surprise any of us. In summer, we have more people out and about and less sickness. As fall continues and winter comes, cases of everything will rise as they always do. However, we all know (because yes people science is real) that this is a big one, people are still dying, life is still being altered, etc. There is a saying, “It isn’t about what happens to you, it’s about how you handle it”. Depression is real, mental health issues are real, anxiety is real. They are also part of life. Our children are suffering from these things more than ever and so are we. Professional help is needed and golden in some cases, but not necessary in all of them. There is something missing that we as a society have neglected to teach our children and have neglected to learn for ourselves. It’s my favorite word: RESILIENCE.

Learning to be resilient is just like learning anything else, it requires practice and finding the right tools for the job. Its requires a commitment over time to change your habits, and even to change how your brain views life and its experiences. ANYONE can benefit from having resiliency. Some people may require more help than this, but having this added in can only help.

I am not an expert on mental health or resiliency. I do not claim to be able to “fix” anyone, nor do I ever believe that is my job. God put me here for a reason. I believe in using my experiences and the skills I have acquired throughout my life to help others and to give hope through my own actions.

So, here we are. In a pandemic. Here is some of what I have been hearing.

• “I am so sick of this.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “I hate wearing a mask. This is stupid.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “I miss seeing all my friends.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “But I wanna play football/hockey/lacrosse!”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “What about the holidays? Nobody is going to tell me I can’t have a party.”
• “It’s just not fair.”
• “My mom is paranoid I guess, but I can’t go to that party.”
• “It’s just not fair.”

Let me stop right here. In case nobody has ever told you this, and yes I am looking you right in the eye, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. TO ANYONE. AT DIFFERENT TIMES. SOMETIMES TO EVERYONE. IT NEVER WILL BE. AS SOON AS YOU SUCK IT UP AND LET THAT CONCEPT OF “FAIR” GO, YOU WILL BE ON THAT JOURNEY TO RESILIENCE AND INNER HAPPINESS!

We cannot control what happens to us or around us. We cannot control school being in person, remote, or hybrid. We cannot control whether or not sports and sporting events are allowed. We cannot control someone else’s behavior if they aren’t doing what we consider to be the “right” thing.

What we can control is how we choose to react, view, and move forward each day under whatever circumstances we have been given. I WILL BE THE FIRST TO SAY THIS IS NOT ALWAYS EASY!

You have two options. You either wallow and stay there and over time change your brain chemistry to see life as awful and miserable and to teach your children the same OR you go through the emotions of getting upset, getting it out, and letting it go, moving forward with skills that help you to see that life is always changing and we can still enjoy it and in doing so, you teach that joy to your children (and to anyone else watching).

So the holidays are coming up, a time for gatherings. I myself will miss the enormous open house I have every year. Some worry about money more at the holidays, especially now if you can’t work. Some people suffer from seasonal depression and some get lonelier than normal. So, what are we going to do about all of this? What a great holiday season it would be if we bitched about the stuff we can’t do and listened to our kids do the same or hide in their rooms on their devices…. who’s with me? Sounds awesome, right? NOT EVEN A CHANCE!

So what then? Well, first, let’s go back to my favorite word. RESILIENCY. Like I said, I am no expert. Here are just some skills that work for me. I suggest anyone that hasn’t done these things, to start. It can be life changing, no matter how minor you think they are.

• Live with gratitude. Trust me, someone is out there worse off than you right now. Make a list of 10 things every night that you are grateful for. It doesn’t matter how trivial the things on that list seem. Just make it. For example, I ate a hot meal today or I have a bed to sleep in or I have fingers that helped tie my son’s shoes! It doesn’t matter how big or how small. MAKE THE LIST. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.
• Wake up and set your tone. Before you grab for your phone or turn on the news or roll out of bed, make a list (in your head if you want, counting on your fingers) of 10 things you’re looking forward to that day. Again, anything! Is the sun out? Look forward to good weather. Is it raining? Look forward to a hot cocoa kind of day. Look forward to getting to snuggle, see, or even talk on the phone with a loved one. Look forward to the unexpected that you tell yourself will happen in a positive way that day!
• Take a deep breath. Relax your shoulders when you exhale. Picture letting go of whatever is weighing you down. Imagine it vanishing into the sky and leaving you alone.
• Practice compassion. Imagine someone who may have wronged you and think of the state they must be in to stoop to that level. Send them good thoughts because nobody should be so miserable.
• Give yourself time to grieve or cry or kick something. Let it out. Then wipe your tears and come up with a plan. Tell yourself why it will be ok. Because I promise you, it will be ok.
• Find someone you trust to vent to about what’s bugging you and ask their opinion or perspective of the situation. Make sure to surround yourself with other positive people. Be aware that some people are joy suckers and some are joy givers. Make the givers your tribe.
• Laugh. Do what I do and go on Pinterest and look up funny memes or jokes. Watch a TV show at the end of the day that you know is funny, even the reruns. I could watch Friends over and over again and still always laugh. There is so much great humor out there and laughter being the best medicine is not just a saying.
• When you feel down, encourage someone else. Just like when you teach someone something, you reinforce your own learning of the subject, when you encourage someone else and give them kind, positive words, you hear them yourself and reinforce what you know to be true.
• Find a hobby and take the time to develop it. A distraction from the norm gives your brain a break from thinking of the stressors and creates euphoria from the endorphins that doing things we enjoy will give us.
• Read a book with positive vibes, quotes, inspiration, self help, etc. Then practice what it preaches.
• Use imagery. Imagine you have a force field, a bubble around you. Anything that comes your way negative each day will just bounce right off. It cannot even reach you to affect you and your mood.

My list could go on and on, but these can be major helpers on the road to changing your mind and becoming more resilient.

Now let’s take this into the holiday season. Let’s start by all agreeing that this year the holidays will not be the same as we have always had them. Now, let’s think about the ways in which that might be a good thing.

Do you have trouble enjoying the holiday season because it feels too rushed? Because you always have so many people to visit, so many events to attend? Not this year! SAVOR EVERY MOMENT! You have no choice, but to slow down. So do it! Watch movies, bake cookies, craft home made gifts, play games, make an entire darn gingerbread neighborhood! Enjoy doing whatever it is that will bring you and your family joy this year.

Have you always wanted to start a new tradition that can be passed down from you and your children to their children and for years to come? Now is the time to do it! You have time to think of something you’ve never done before or embellish on something you used to do as a kid or whatever it is that makes you smile.

Can’t rush out every evening to a kids activity or sport? How about using that time at home to read with your children? Even big kids like a good story. Maybe choose a classic or something new, a chapter book to last all season or, with littles, maybe a new book each night that goes along with the holiday you’re celebrating. You and your family could also start an advent calendar to open a door each night with a new activity planned. You could start writing a story together and continue it a little each night, giving everyone a chance to join in. Relatives socially distant or in another town or state? Use a video chat platform and involve everyone. At the end of the season, print the story out, have family members create illustrations, put it all together and keep it to read each year.

Bummed (like me) about not having a big holiday party? How about making it a point each day to reach out in some way to someone you would have had over? Catch up via call, text, or video chat. Missing your cookie swap? Do it anyways! Use video chat while baking and then wrap them up and spend the weekend delivering the goodies to the others involved and picking up your treats in return!

Did you stop sending cards because it was too time consuming? Use this time to send them once again, knowing that getting mail makes everyone feel good and smile!

Do crowded stores always bug you? Turn to small shops for gift cards to help keep them in business. Use time to shop around online for the bigger ticket items your children might be asking for and have it delivered or use the curbside pick up option many stores now offer.

Can’t hold your charity event? Do you always give to a charity or do something special? Consider an online event if you are fundraising. If you normally give and can again this year, then there are plenty of ways to do that. Search online for charities and ideas. Use the time you have to help others in whatever socially distant ways possible. Involve friends or family. Make it fun. Make it meaningful. Even something as simple as baking for local workers, essential employees, teachers, etc. makes a welcome gesture and spreads joy that we all can certainly use!

There are lists among lists on Google, Pinterest, etc. of fun ideas for the holidays. Access them! Keep a journal and suggest the kids do it too. In it, chronicle how this year you made the best of a situation that you couldn’t change. Focus on the new things you did or tried, on the new traditions you have found, on how it felt to savor every moment and to get to spend more time connecting with the people closest to you. As you make positive changes, your children will follow. It isn’t an instant gratification thing, this practice of building resiliency. Be patient. I have four kids. If mine whine any squeakier the palladium window on the front of the house will start to crack. I know how difficult it is to work on yourself. It’s even harder to change them. But, over time as they see your behavior change, they will too. Remember that somewhere in their brain, what they watch you do and hear you say really is sinking in and eventually you will notice. Consistency is key. We all have setbacks. Roll with it. Forgive yourself. We can’t always be 100% positive and cheery, but we can learn to work through those days and tougher times and come out on top.

I am chomping at the bit to get this place cleaned up so we can get to the decorations, baking, crafting, movie watching, and most of all snuggling. I know the kids will complain about something, especially the teenagers. I will smile and just keep the spirit of kindness and joy going throughout the house. I also might pour some wine because…well…teenagers.

Happy Holidays, my friends. Happy RESILIENT Holidays!