Wow, crazy, 6 years.  Six years ago today you passed away.  Six years ago, after a 7 month long battle.  Cancer sucks.  15 years together, 11 years married, 4 kids, total of 4 dogs, and then 7 months of trying to stay here, but God had other plans.  We will always miss you.  That can’t change.  Over time, it helps to see that we are ok though and we can still thrive in this life we have been given.  God is good and when we trust His plan, we can see a bigger picture.  Life can be so scary sometimes, but that trust and faith and hope is huge.  Bobby, you know I have never been able to keep my mouth shut when I believe strongly in something.  Well, I believe strongly in this: the key to any new widows out there, and to anyone that has lost a loved one is to keep faith, to have faith.  They need to know that it really does get easier and that it is not selfish to enjoy life again.  If anything, it’s more selfish not to.  We are here and need to appreciate that by living, truly living, and by loving hard and being kind while we still can, we are honoring those who have passed.  We should be spreading peace and joy and happiness.  Being on this planet is a blessing.  We should always try to honor that and make sure we are making every day the best one yet, in whatever way possible.  Bobby, I know you’re always with us, every step of the way.  I know you see the crazy life we lead and how I barely seem to keep it all working, somehow.  It really is something to reflect each year through these letters that I write to you on our lives. 

Joni will be 16 in a month.  When I watch her now, I am in awe that she was that scrawny little thing with the high pitched voice and the bossy attitude and sweet eyes who used to dance between us in the kitchen.  She lost the high pitched voice, but definitely kept the bossy attitude.  She is taking driver’s ed, working, and playing volleyball.  She has gotten straight A’s the entire school year.  She is a nerd like me.  Like any teenager, she can be extremely helpful or drive me crazy depending on her mood.  She was confirmed yesterday.   It was a very proud moment.  I am sure that feeling of overwhelming emotion was because you and all of our angels were there to celebrate as well.  She is a hard worker and saving up for a car. She wants to be able to get one next winter when she gets her license.  I must be raising her right!  She is a tough cookie.  Her life experiences have made her that way, I’m sure.  She doesn’t wear her heart on her sleeve the way I do.  She protects herself by mostly holding it in and avoiding negativity altogether.   Sometimes this is a good thing, but I worry it will bite her in the ass someday as well.  We are all allowed to have our way, however.  I can only guide and make sure she knows I’m always here to listen. 

Hanna is 14.  She is the same Hanna she has always been, stubborn as hell, but also very loving.  She worries so much, especially about me.  I understand why and I know it’s normal, but I still wish I could take her worry away.  She will be in high school next year with Joni.  I am very excited to see what she chooses as a path to follow with a new slate.  The past few years have been difficult.  It will be nice for her to have consistency for school finally.   She is really a beautiful young lady and has such a cute style.  She has been great at encouraging Maddox in his schoolwork lately.  It is so helpful.  She makes such a difference when she helps me.  Post pandemic we have finally gone out a few times shopping again.  She is definitely my kid.  She and I have a blast when we shop together.  The boys and Joni all get bored, but Hanna and I could both just poke around through stores for hours laughing and enjoying just being out and about.  There are so many times lately that she and I are together and it feels nice to connect.  As she gets older and more mature, I am grateful for that connection.  I just let her behind the wheel to drive down the street since she will be driving soon too.  For some reason, it scares me more to think of her behind the wheel.  She is just still so small! The kids just had doctors appointments and she is only 1 inch taller than Brody.

Brody is 11 and has homeschooled with me this year.  I’ve taught him 2 grades and hoping to put him ahead next year.  I’m not trying to push him.  He just learns things quickly and is a very intelligent kid.  He loves baseball and especially playing catcher.  He is in his second year of playing.  He’s got a great coach, which I never take for granted.  It’s so much fun to be outside watching him play.  He loves trying to get Maddox out there and teach him tips on the game.  It makes me happy to have baseball back in our lives after it was gone for a few years.  We all missed it.  Brody loves riding his bike and fishing like most boys do.  He also fights with Maddox and gets annoyed with him like most brothers do as well. I remind him someday they’ll be best friends.  Brody is constantly cooking up new creations and the only one that cleans up after himself most of the time.  He is so sweet and thoughtful and helpful and I would be lost without all he does to make me smile.  He hugs me every chance he gets and always says sweet things to me. 

Maddox is 7 now.  Homeschooling him this year has been challenging,  but also rewarding.   He is reading like a champ and very proud of himself.  He is a spitfire and can’t sit still to save his life.  He is also playing baseball and I’m his team’s coach,  God help me.  We had our first game last weekend and it was super fun.  Thank God I had help. Herding sheep. Honestly.  But still fun.  Maddox never stops moving and talking.  When I can get him to stop and snuggle, I take it all in.  That’s my littlest baby, after all.  He has the MOST bubbly personality and could run for mayor.  I love how he makes friends everywhere he goes. 

Raising them as a single parent is hard.  Well, that’s an understatement, actually.   I constantly feel like I’m failing, but luckily I have good people around me who tell me I’m doing just fine.  Sometimes I even believe them. This past year professionally has been a challenge with the pandemic. I have used it to take a course to help me as the world gets more “normal” again. I have also used the time to write more which has always been important to me. I have busted butt on home improvements and teaching the kids new skills as I learn them myself. Getting them to do chores seems harder now that I have teens and a tween than when they were all under the age of 10! I heard baseball needed some volunteers this past winter so I showed up to a meeting to see what I could do. Somehow I left as the secretary along with volunteering to coach Maddy’s team. I’m happy to have met some great people, so it has become a win in my book. This past year has been a good one, with more positives than just baseball, thanks to our angels.

[ I have also been blessed with a pretty awesome man in my life. It’s been over 7 months and he still puts up with my crazy. In fact, he might even like it I think. He and his son have not only been a blessing for me, but also for the kids. He treats me like I am the most special woman on earth, even if he doesn’t try. We work together very well and it has added to our happiness. It’s a great thing I never settled on what didn’t feel right for whatever reason with someone else. This gave the room for what he and I now get to share. We are pretty sure there are a few angels up there that set this all up. Thank you for that. ]

Thanks for making sure we had so many great memories. As time goes by, it’s nice to be able to share those, laugh at them, and keep you in our lives. Xoxo