This morning, after I dropped my youngest off at school and was on my way back to the junior high to bring my other son his lunch that he forgot, I started thinking about my dad. It has been almost 4 years since my dad passed away. The two of us barely let hours go by without giving each other a phone call and saying hi or telling each other any little thing that had happened, even if it was a quick chat. I imagined that I would have called him right then. I would let him know about the forgotten lunch. He would laugh and then say I should have let him bring it over instead. He would ask me my agenda for the day, tell me I do too much, then insist on picking up the kids later so I could get more work done. That’s always how my dad was, giving and caring and the most help I have ever had.

The holidays are upon us. I love them so much! I also love my family and have a longing for them more at this time of year, just like I am sure anyone who has lost a loved one does. I am a true believer in angels. Our loved ones come to us when we need them the most. When we least expect it, they pop in to say hi. I think that is why sometimes we just don’t really know what made us have that moment or day when we were missing them more than usual, or thinking about them quite a bit. While I was missing my dad, I had Pandora on (yes, Christmas music!). A song came on that I have never heard before. It’s called Evergreen. It was written by Sam DeRosa, Eric Leva, Scott Hoying, Jesse Thomas, and Kevin Olusola. It is sung by Pentatonix. It struck me immediately.

“I want to tell you a story about my mother. How she would give up everything for her daughter’s dreams, yeah, a mother’s love is evergreen. ”

My mother will have been passed twenty years this Christmas. She died December 23, 2001. It is really still unbelievable, to be honest. How does one get married, have babies, have a career without their mother? As we all know, the world keeps turning. It doesn’t mean that we don’t feel the void. I spend as much time as I can spreading hope and studying the best ways to do it, but we are all human. It isn’t about not feeling that void or not getting down. It’s about what we do to pick ourselves back up and that we do indeed pick ourselves back up. My mother was always smiling and always so positive. She was truly amazing. She and my father buried my brother David when he was 8 years old. They lost a child. Yet my mother’s smile never, ever seemed to falter. She would tell me that good things come from bad things if we look hard enough.

“For all the weight she carried, she ain’t tired. I spend my whole life trying to be more like her.”

My mother loved Christmas. Anyone that knew her, found that out pretty quickly. She passed that love down to me. When she died 2 days before Christmas, I knew it was her way of letting us know she would always be there for her favorite time of year, in whatever way she could. As a child, one of my earliest memories is poking my head out from behind her to greet visitors at her annual Christmas open house. I would still be clinging to her leg because I was extremely shy. Yes, I swear I used to be shy, but anyways… My mother gave us the tradition of the party, but also of the tastes and smells it brought with it. If you have ever attended the open house that I now have, know that much of what I cook up was first made by her, in a kitchen so filled with love and laughter. I can only hope that I give this same kitchen, these same traditions, to my children.

“There is a box in the attic. We take it down each year and pass through generations, lights and souvenirs. From the ones who came before us, the reason why we’re here, singing all these carols and spreading all this cheer.”

My mom and I went to Christmas Eve mass together every year. My favorite Christmas song is O, Come All Ye Faithful because she would sing it proudly and never cared if she was a little out of tune. I am at mass with my children every Christmas Eve. I have yet to sit through one and not cry. If I look like a weirdo, I don’t care. I am not looking for pity or judgement. It doesn’t matter to me. Most of all, I am not actually sad. I am remembering my mother and my father, the amazing traditions and memories they gave to me, the amazing life with which I have always been blessed. Those are tears of gratitude that I was given 25 years with my mom and 41 with my dad.

“So on every Christmas Eve, I thank my family tree.”

“Now that I’m a little older, it isn’t lost on me, the magic of tradition, and the memories we keep.”

I know the holidays are a time of joy for many, but also a time of sorrow for others. I recognize the stress some feel. Gift giving costs money or takes time out of an already busy schedule. Missing people we aren’t with at the holidays is a difficult emotion to feel. Feeling or being obligated to spend time with family that you don’t get along with can make this time extra stressful. There are many factors that play a part in whether you face the holidays with dread or joy.

Just remember, that is up to you.

For every stress, there is a different perspective. If you really don’t want to spend time with people, think about what is good about them. Focus on that. Then, think of the lonely who have no one to share with a holiday meal. If gift giving is too expensive, tell everyone that this year you are making their gift. Don’t be embarassed either! I guarantee you will give them the most memorable gifts they have had yet. Teach them a lesson in appreciation. In a world that longs to be kinder, make that this year’s goal. It is a researched fact from multiple sources (search it up, I swear) that by reaching outside of yourself, you connect to a joy in helping others that surpasses selfish tendencies for our own instant gratification. Doing for others allows us to get outside of ourselves and our own “stuff”. Many times, we see that our own problems do not hold as much weight. Also, we give ourselves a break from focusing on the negative as we do something positive for others. I challenge you this year to choose kindness and giving and to make time for both each and every day.

What you want to believe is up to you. You are in charge of your thoughts. I am asked often how I can be so positive. Well, I believe. I believe the world can be a better place. I believe there is magic in each of us. I believe we all have powers to be better and to do better. I believe a smile like my mom’s is in each one of us and that it wants to smile like a crazy person at everyone every, single day. I believe in the magic of the holidays. I believe in Hallmark Christmas movies and the happy ending! I believe in the magic of Santa! I believe that if we all believe, we can create a better home, community, and world! I believe in the kindness of others. I believe in the power of hope! I believe that a bad day isn’t a bad life. I believe that, even in death, my loved ones continue to teach me. They teach me my strengths. They teach me to rely on my village when I feel weak. The teach me that I can be a better parent to my children and a better person to my partner. Through what they gave me, I know I am here to somehow show others that joy is real and pure and yours, no matter who you are and no matter your circumstances.

In honoring my mother twenty years after she physically left our world, I implore you to believe. Believe in the magic. Remember the MOST joyous holiday you have had and feel that joy again. Create that joy NOW! Believe that you hold the key to your own happiness now and always. Believe in the power of a smile.

“So don’t forget, as time goes on, all the joy is never gone.”