I had a partner. I had hugs from behind while I was making dinner. I had a sous chef. I had someone to tag team the tantrums with. I had someone who let me have my own tantrums. I had someone to help clean up the messes. I had someone to give me a chance to sit down and breathe. I had someone to see the Red Sox and The Bruins and The Patriots with. I had a rummy opponent. I had a drinking buddy. I had someone sing karaoke to me on a regular basis. I had someone who told me I was beautiful every single damn day, even when we were fighting. I had a training partner for road races and that one triathlon. I had a lifting partner who pushed me when I couldn’t push myself. I had stolen kisses. I had a lap to snuggle on. I had dancing in the kitchen.

We were married on July 24, 2004. We had been together for four years already. I gave him shit about that often because I knew I would marry him after three months. I am honest when I say I love the naivete of young love. You have no idea and that’s just the way it should be. You don’t ever think about the money fights and the work fights and the kid fights and you certainly never think that “in sickness and in health” will truly rock your entire world somewhere down the road.

We met at a restaurant that you already know if you grew up in South Eastern Massachusetts. It was called the Charlie Horse. I knew the friend he was with and he knew the friend I was with that night. They joined our table and we chatted and laughed. We parted ways and I didn’t really think anything of it. Ironically, the very next night, I had a friend singing on stage at another restaurant. I went to support her and there he was with the same friend sitting at the bar. Maybe it was meant to be…ok it was definitely meant to be. My friends and I were going to see Blink 182 out in Worcester at The Centrum the following weekend and we happened to have two extra tickets. They bought the tickets off of us and we opened up our flip phones and exchanged numbers so we could drive out there together. He and I sat next to each other at the show and both sang rather obnoxiously. (I’m sure none of our good friends would ever believe that.)

The following weekend I had another girlfriend over. We were just sitting at the table having dinner when my phone rang. I answered it. The voice on the other end said, “Hey, it’s Bobby.” I looked at my friend and shrugged. I wasn’t really sure which guy this was since I had a friend named Bob from the gym. This Bobby asked if I was around if he came down the Cape to hang out with me the next day and he asked my address. I got off the phone deciding I was rolling the dice on this one. When he showed up the next day, I realized it was the “New Bobby” I had sat next to at the concert. I really didn’t think anything of it. I love making new friends and we had fun when we hung out that previous week. That night we cooked some pizzas on the grill and went out to see a band (Syndicate for the real Cape Codders who know them). After that we watched the best movie ever, Beautiful Girls. Now here is one of the best stories about our early days. I love telling this one. I was SO NAIVE. After the movie, it was getting late. I said I was heading upstairs to bed. He asked for a blanket for the couch. I said he didn’t have to sleep on the couch. I told him he could just sleep in my room. It was weird to me how his eyes lit up! He followed me upstairs where I brought him to my room and showed him the two twin beds. I pointed to the one that was mine and then told him he could just sleep in the other one. I honestly was that naive! This poor schmuck thought he was getting lucky! Hahahahaha! I went to sleep alone in my bed without a second thought. The next day we decided to go golfing. I know that’s when I fell in love with him. I didn’t realize it until a few months later, but when I look back, I just know. We were walking 9 holes carrying our clubs. I can still see him, the way he looked. I can still picture the moment when I just looked at him and smiled, not having a clue what that feeling meant. He asked if he could spend the night again. I said sure. We went out again that night and then went down to the beach afterwards for a walk. At one point I sat down in the sand to look for shooting stars. He sat behind me. It was like a light bulb went off in my naive head. This guy might actually “like me” like me? He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my neck. I turned around and looked him in the eye and said, “Please do not kiss me just for the heck of it. Only do that if you mean it.” Then he kissed me. He definitely meant it.

We were engaged two years later and married two years after that. We had a large wedding with so many awesome friends and family members. We celebrated getting married in the morning and in the afternoon. At night, because my husband was probably the inspiration for Fever Pitch, we celebrated by watching the Red Sox vs Yankees game with a bunch of friends back at our house. I’ve mentioned it in my writing before when talking about my anniversary, but I will say it again. This game was the ONLY reason my husband always remembered our anniversary. It was the night when A-Rod and Veritek brawled and both dugouts cleared out onto the field to join in the fight.

A year after our wedding, we welcomed our first baby. The second came 22 months later. The third, our first boy, was 3 years after the second. In 2011, our 4th child was stillborn. That was a huge hit. We got through it with the love of our community and our love for each other. Two years after that, in 2013, we welcomed our rainbow baby. We had our ups and downs like all relationships do throughout the years. Some of those downs were really shitty too. The worst, however, came when the baby was just about a year old. Bobby was diagnosed with stage 4 stomach cancer. Five different chemo drugs didn’t work. Seven months later, his battle ended. I lost my husband and my children lost their father.

It’s been 7 years without Bobby, without my partner. I have dated. I have even had two relationships that I thought might last. In the end, they weren’t the right ones. That’s ok. I know what it’s like to feel lonely. If you get it too, know you’re not alone. I know what it’s like to want to brag about something your kid did, but you know it doesn’t mean as much to anyone else the way it would to you and your spouse. I know what it’s like to not be able to lose your shit because you have to hold it together for your children. I know what it’s like to ugly cry night after night after night when the kids go to sleep. I know what it’s like to cook a meal that goes to waste because he was the one that would have eaten the leftovers. I know what it’s like to need to put your 10 year old in charge of her 3 younger siblings because you don’t have any other choice. I know what it’s like to need social workers and therapists and grief counselors and child life specialists. I know what it’s like to be SO GRATEFUL, like you won the lottery, because someone came over and folded laundry for you. I know what it’s like to fill out paperwork for school or a sport and leave the “father” section blank. I know what it’s like to figure out the new emergency contact. I know what it’s like when your son cries at night because the kid at football told him he should just go home and practice throwing with his dad if he wants to get better. I know what it’s like to learn how to throw that damn football too! I know what it’s like to have a child who has panic attacks when you try to leave the house because what if something happened to you too. I know what it’s like to have a little boy who never knew his father and cries about it not being fair. I know what it’s like to have two little boys begging you to please have a boyfriend so they can have a guy around the house. I know what it’s like wishing there was a boyfriend factory and it were just that easy.

Speaking of dating, I know what it’s like to say your a widow. I know the looks. I know the pity, the sadness, the awkwardness that follows. I know what it’s like when men act jealous and stupid because you talk about your late husband. Look guys, it’s not like I’m comparing your junk! I will tell stories because this was my best friend for 15 years! You will get to know me better by knowing these stories because he will always be a part of who I am. He was with me through my adventures and so many years of my past. I will always have pictures up in my house, not just because he was my best friend, but because this man was the father of my children! They need to hear these stories and see the pictures too! They need me to help them always keep their dad’s memory alive!

I do hate when I feel lonely. I have some amazing friends, but it’s not the same. I have gotten VERY sick of telling my story to random men who really don’t care. I want a partner again. He will need to come with references. He will need to come with solid mental health and a positive attitude. He will need to match my energy. He will probably need to fall from the sky while the pigs are flying next to him. But I do have hope.

With my anniversary nearing, I miss Bobby quite a bit. And that’s ok. It’s normal. I’m lucky to have had something that is worth missing. We were far from a perfect couple. That’s a fact. Still, I will hold those sweet memories close because those are the important ones anyways. It’s hard to find that now, or so it seems, but it is out there. I know it is. It’s worth finding again too. I have a very fulfilled and busy life. I am truly a happy soul. I am missing a partner though. I know I will have it again. I will find my sous chef. I will find my rummy opponent. I will find my hold-hands-walking-on-the-beach-watching-sunsets-partner. I will find my gym rat, my Sundays in the fall are for the Patriots buddy, my your turn to do the dishes tonight honey. I will find the one who listens to my stories and appreciates where I have been and what I have been through without pity, but with gratitude for who I have become, for the woman who is always growing. I will give the same listening ears and open loving heart to someone again and there will be dancing in the kitchen.

Happy Anniversary Bobby! ~July 24, 2004