I went out three nights last week. Being that there are seven nights in each week, that amounts to almost 50% of my week nights (in case you are bad at math like me). It made me feel guilty. It made me feel like a shitty mom. I remember my parents running a bridge club every Tuesday night out of our finished basement. One Saturday night a month they would also run the bridge tournament. In addition to that, I remember them going out to dinner with friends. I would have a babysitter or, when I was older, I would just have a friend stay over to keep me company. If they felt guilty about doing those things for themselves, it definitely never showed. I also never felt slighted or like they loved me any less somehow because they spent time with their friends.

It’s pretty rare that I go do something three nights in one week with another adult and no children. However, we start back to school in a week and a half. Shortly after that, the fall season of baseball starts up again. The high school volleyball season also begins this week. Let me recall last fall. If my friend was not associated with the girls volleyball or the boys baseball, I did not see them, not at all. I actually went all the way from August until Christmas time before I saw some of my friends. When school is in session it is very unusual for me to have the energy to go out and do dinner with a friend or anything else during the week, even on the odd day that we don’t have a sport. When we finally have one night off from something, I just want to stay home, make dinner, and get the kids to bed early. Sometimes being a mom is exhausting! So, I go from feeling like a bad mom to feeling like a bad friend. It’s not that I don’t want to do it all because trust me I do. I would love to put more hours into the day or more days into the week, but that’s not the case. I’m human and I can’t always see everyone or give anybody 100%. Last week, those three nights that I went out did make me feel really guilty, like I should be doing something with my children. However, when I put it down on paper and take inventory of what my children actually did last week, it really shouldn’t make me feel bad. On Monday, I took them to Water Wizz with friends for the entire day. On the way home, I picked up pizzas and then we ate them in the living room and snuggled up together to watch Grown Ups. On Tuesday, one of my children was able to have a sleep over and I let my little one sleep in my bed with me. Another day, my youngest spent about 12 hours at his friend’s house having a blast. Meanwhile, my daughters saw their friends, worked their summer job, and went to the beach. When I feel like I’m not spending time with them and I have the time free to do so, they are usually already up to something with their friends anyways and don’t really want to do stuff with me. I’m not insulted because they’re teenagers and I get it. I’m so not cool to them at this stage in their lives.

Wednesday night I went to dinner with a friend. Thursday night I went to dinner with another friend. Saturday night I went to dinner with a friend and then went out to see my friends play in their band. I took phone calls from my children several times during all of those dinners and was perfectly fine and happy to hear from them and make sure they were fine at home. There was plenty of food at home. They were safe. During the days when I had gone out for dinner at night I had also spent time with them either at the beach or at home being present in their lives. So what has happened between our parents generation and our generation? When I make plans with friends, I feel guilty. My children say and do things that perpetuate me feeling guilty too! When friends ask me to do things and I say no because of spending time with my children or doing things with my children or the activities they need me to take them to or even just being exhausted, I feel guilty because I feel like a bad friend.

Is it maybe because I’m a single mom? Is it different when you have your spouse there and and you go out together? It’s been 7 years since I’ve had my husband to go out with so to be honest I don’t really remember. I don’t think I felt super guilty when he and I went out because we didn’t get to go out very often from either not having babysitters or just being tired because the kids were so little. So what is it? I know I need to take care of myself to make sure I am a good. I know that burn out is real. I know breaks and friends are important. I also know that my children are the MOST IMPORTANT. Their needs and most wants are being met (well, the reasonable ones)! I know my friends understand I love them too and just can’t always make it to a dinner or an event. So why the guilt then? What do I need to do to feel like an amazing mom? What do I do to be an amazing friend? Well, on paper and on my Google calendar, I am amazing just based on the amount of places I make it to and things I accomplish. I am just trying to keep up and sometimes I fall behind. Last week was really fun. It would have been even better if I cut myself some slack and stopped the guilt shit. I’ve got a few fun things coming up with friends and I am promising myself that I will try again to let go of the guilt and just have fun. I will continue to work on juggling and balancing because that’s just how life is when you have four kids and one mama who is also blessed with some pretty awesome friends too. So keep inviting me to do stuff because I am super social and I do love you, my friends! Just don’t be surprised if I say no. The kids need me and I am trying really hard not to feel like a shitty mom.